Dressing with femme articles while endrab...Answer To Laura.

Curly(SO) · Post by **Curly(SO)** » Wed Jan 28, 2004 9:45 am

Hi,

I've just been reading this thread, and Laura asks an interesting question in reply to something CJ wrote. I'm really sorry, but have got to leave for work now, I'm just letting you know that I will think about this question and get back to you tomorrow!

Curly(SO)

Curly(SO) · Post by **Curly(SO)** » Mon Feb 02, 2004 8:12 am

'You mention that many SO’s have an issue with crossdressers trying to “pass.” I wonder how common that is among SO’s. I wonder whether more androgynous dressing would help keep marriages and other important relationships from disintegrating. Does anyone have experiences to report?'

I would find it uncomfortable if my husband wanted to go out and pass. So far I have not seen him totally enfemme, as he doesn't have a wig yet. I like it that he still looks male when in female clothes. I like the contradiction. I know I would find seeing him totally enfemme a lot harder to deal with, but I would get used to it in time. It certainly wouldn't have any effect on our marriage, it's just something that we'll deal with when we need to.

Curly(SO)

CJ · Post by CJ » Mon Feb 02, 2004 8:59 am

Hi Curly,

I've been in that kind of spot before; my partner at the time wasn't ready to see me fully en femme. And I was okay with that. But then, one night, she used the opportunity of our being invited to a Halloween party to see me fully dressed--she even helped in the transformation. She was stunned (and, yes, a little bit disquieted) by the result.

We had a blast that night, and the fun followed us back home, so to speak. I think the fact that my coming out to her "in all my glory" was done in what, to her, was a "safe" context helped her be more at ease with my new look than would otherwise have been the case. After that, she felt much more comfortable when I dressed fully en femme. (In fact, she would sort of "push" the transformation herself--something, oddly enough, that I eventually became a little bit uncomfortable with.) Go figure.

Do you think this (more complete metamorphosis) is something Ed actually wants, Curly? Maybe he's comfortable as is, just wearing the clothes, without necessarily wanting to pass as female. Has he talked about it? Anyway, I wish you both fun and patience in this "adventure."

Love,
CJ

Kay(SO) · Post by **Kay(SO)** » Mon Feb 02, 2004 12:14 pm

Curly,
I've only seen my husband in the full get up. No half measures here. And I don't know that I'll ever really get used to it. But, I keep doing it anyway. Also, going out into the real world changed things for us dramatically. There are alot more dynamics involved in my opinion, once you leave the safety net and privacy of your own home. It has been both scary and exciting all at once. Definately emotionally and mentally exhausting. But, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.

Sharon

Curly(SO) · Post by **Curly(SO)** » Mon Feb 02, 2004 12:29 pm

Ed has said he doesn't wish to 'pass', but up till now, has never been in a position to try. His crossdressing has always been in secret, and has always been living with someone, so has not had the opportunity to go any further than just wear clothes. He's not done a full makeup, until I did it for him recently. He has shown interest in buying a wig and stillettos so obviously that says to me that he will be totally enfemme...something that I haven't seen yet...I suppose I'm a little worried over how I will feel seeing him like that. It will probably freak me out, like Amber(SO).
I have never seen Ed with ANY hair, so it will be weird seeing him with long flowing tresses! (he loves really long hair, mine is quite long, and I know he wants a wig longer than mine). I will probably feel a little jealous of that too. I also will be disquieted , because I know he will look good, Ed has very fine bone structure, and would pass easily!
I know it won't cause any real problems, just got to deal with my own feelings and try to see the positive side...the most important one, being Ed is a wonderful, caring husband, and he deserves my understanding.
I'm getting there I think!

Curly(SO)

Laura · Post by **Laura** » Tue Feb 03, 2004 1:20 am

Hi all,

I find your answers very interesting. I would like to hear more, because certainly not all SOs are as accepting as Curly and Sharon. But, I would like to add one more factor to the equation. I was just reading a long piece on the internet by Lin Fraser, a Jungian psychologist who treats crossdressers and transsexuals. She said something interesting in the course of his discussion on crossdressers:

"Once the female starts taking over, it's very difficult to stop it, because that's where the psyche wants to go. What do you do to stop it? You need to work on the masculine side. This is very hard to get people interested in. I have so many of these people coming in looking like such slobs as men. And then they get their courage up to come to see me crossdressed, and I have this elegant thing coming in with the nails they spent four hours on. They need to spend time on the masculine. "What a nice sweater you've got on today," and that kind of thing, to reinforce the masculine image. You need to seek other ways for bliss, for the risk taking and spontaneity that's associated with the feminine. Being in the moment - how else can you get that, besides dressing? Find out what your triggers are for crossdressing. Often it's stress control. Take a look at other ways you can deal with stress."

The point, as I take it, is not that crossdressing is wrong, but that there is a possibility for using the feminine alter ego as a means of healing a certain poverty of the soul experienced by men. To take one example: I've been considering buying some of the new makeup for men kits on the market and integrating it into my masculine existence. It's an instance of Laura encouraging her man by example. It could also be a way of men livening up their relationships with their SOs. Maybe the bottom line in relationships between crossdressers and SOs is this: that the crossdresser's relationship with his feminine alter ego should never exceed in importance his relationship with his flesh and blood SO.

Love,

Laura (and her man)

Kay(SO) · Post by **Kay(SO)** » Tue Feb 03, 2004 10:05 am

Laura,

I love this: Maybe the bottom line in relationships between crossdressers and SOs is this: that the crossdresser's relationship with his feminine alter ego should never exceed in importance his relationship with his flesh and blood SO.

Thank you so much for posting these words. My husband is so loving and considerate, I never feel that he loves "her" more. But, I couldn't agree more with what you wrote above.

Kay(SO)

Curly(SO) · Post by **Curly(SO)** » Fri Feb 06, 2004 9:27 am

Yes Laura...

I agree with Kay, that last sentence sums it up, really. I was worried that my husband's CDing might be more important than me (after all, it's been there for a far greater part of his life than me)! But as it has become apparent that I was worrying needlessly, it has become much easier for me to accept the CDing, and not see it as a threat to our relationship.

Curly(SO).

Laura · Post by **Laura** » Fri Feb 06, 2004 6:36 pm

Hi Curly and Kay, Thanks for your responses. They help confirm what I think is the case. My wife is still at an early pre-acceptance stage (I hope she makes progress soon). Maybe showing her that I care a lot for her will allay her fears. And maybe changing my male style of dressing to include more feminine-tending things will make the transition easier. At least that is something we can do together. I'm hoping against hope this will help.

Love,

Laura

Curly(SO) · Post by **Curly(SO)** » Sat Feb 07, 2004 3:40 am

Good luck, Laura,

I hope it all works out for you.

Curly(SO)