It had been like forever since the last time I make a post here. My life had changed much, and as well as other people life that I know. Just a while ago, I was still an emo, who always try to hurt myself because I wasn’t happy which how I was made to now, a whole different person, turning into a different person. And guess what, I myself even find it interesting.
Please let me take this literately (this is not house I talk normally lol). The life as you know it is not really what the world is. There will always be hope, fear, success and even failure. As for me, it is like a board game, if it is your turn, you move. You can’t take your move back, nor your friends who are playing against you. Once the move is made, it is made, no undo, no, nothing.
So… What is this? I don’t know, there are something inside of me that give me the strength and the compassion to write. I’m no writer; I’m just some random person who likes to write novel fantasy. I did try to write book, and I did write up to more than 150 page novel. But this time, it is different. I’m up to something that is way different, far more complex and hard to explain. No, I’m not writing a novel anymore, but rather a book, a big book, much bigger than a fantasy one, a book about my life, a book that contain happy and sadness, my feeling, and everything about me.
This book will be a different one than most of the novel I have tried to write. This book is not simply a book that talks about what I did and what I feel, but also how the other react. And best of all, this is a fairy tale, a modern age fairy tale, where there already flying machine and big building, factory all over the place. I’m not going to write the book out on a page, but keep it in my heart, where I can always see, always remember the memory, the joy and the burden that was given to me.
“Once upon a time, long long time ago, there was a little girl who trapped in a boy body.” That phrase needs a little change to it so let rewrite it. “Once upon a time, not too long ago, when the internet and online game had developed, there was a teenager girl who trapped in a teenager boy body”. Now that made more sense, doesn’t it. LOL. Let me review what I post in previous post that I made in the forum for you to remind you what I did. “She hated herself so much that she tried to kill herself, but she always failed and end up hurting herself and stop. One day, after other people noticed someone is wrong with the boy body, she decided to tell everyone that she is trapped, she ended up making a whole mess with her life. The school principal summoned her and her parent for a talk; her friends won’t talk to her anymore; her parent get really mad and she is all alone.” Yeah… That was the past, let move on to the next page and she what happen.
“But now… After weeks of thinking, praying and wishing, she realized that hurting herself or wearing girl cloth is not going to help her”.
This is the turning point of the story.
“Why am I hurting myself?” She thought “Why did God make this happen to me?”
Lots of time, she find herself crying when she go to bed. It’s her turn, and she moved. Now she can’t take it back. Every time she go to and talk to a boy in the class, they always go away; every time she try to talk to a girl, they call her sexist.
“I can do this! I know I can” She told herself and her little stuffed Charmander after thinking for a while.
The next day, she stopped dressing up and try to act like a girl and talk to friends. She tried to develop back her friendship with other and tell them that she really sorry. And for trying really hard, her parent bought her a pair of skinny jean for her to wear to school. And she was really happy with it. The girls in her class had started to talk back to her. One of them even told her that she saw her as a really girlist girl. Finally, the girl realized a great lesson for herself
“A girl is not simply some kind of cloth style, nor how they look, but it is the emotion, high and cheery spirit, love that make a girl”.
After that turning point, there is nothing much to tell. Here is the last part of the story.
She putted the lesson deep inside her heart. Now she begun to love her life, love her body even those it a boy’s one. She began to become active, she like to go out and play with other, like to go shopping and do other girly stuff. And not just girly stuff, she also do some boy stuff like play shooting game and enjoy it. She smile more often now, and she told herself:
“That is right, you call me a boy because I like to do boy thing, but in fact, I’m not. I’m just a girl with a tomboy style”.
SO… Let get back to real life, forget about the literature thing lol. I just feel like writing when I wrote that xD. So now… I feel way different now. I am not longer view cloth as something I have to wear to be a girl, nor have to act girly, use make up and pin my hair with a hair pin to be a girl. Why? Because I’m a girl already, I don’t have to wear any of those to be a girl. I said it, and declared it: “I’m a girl”
And not just feel way different, I found myself having different emotion that I had have before. I wonder is this just my hormone because I’m starting my puberty or is it because I’m a girl? Lol. I started to get jealous when a cute boy that I care about likes a girl. I scream, yes xD, I do scream, and it not Icecream lol. I scream, yes I do, I scream every single time an insect near me or touch me, or when a bee is around lol. I take a bath and shave my leg daily, put on lotions everytime I go outside, put on a bobby hair pin when nobody is around or when I go to sleep. I don’t care if I wear girl cloth right now because I’m awesome like that
. I really enjoy myself now… lol… I really do. I just download some game 2 days like metal slug, megaman x4 and began to kill monster and robot in there xD lol. I beat the game in like 30 minutes and it was fun, but that is not what I want to tell you. What I want to tell you is I smiled the whole time when I play. I felt special.Heck no, I don’t have to be any other girl, I’m a girl already, and I am special that way, God made me unique and that is all I need to know. I don’t have to be like other girl. And I love my new feeling. All I have to do now is wait until I grow up, go out and get a house, work really hard and save them for a big surgery to free myself. That is it.
I repeat it:
“That is right, you call me a boy because I like to do boy thing, but in fact, I’m not. I’m just a girl with a tomboy style”.
Side note:
- Congratulation on your surgery Denise, I hope you will enjoy your new body
- Leeza, I hope you will get well soon, I really do. Good luck
