God!!! Who am I???!!!!

[Tiana]

Yesterday, I reminded my parent that i want to go to a counselor, and it was a long conversation. It took about 1 and a half hour. But this conversation is not just about crossdressing, it also told me about how much i value and how much my parent love me. I have totally forgot all of these for a long time...

So, I will just simplify the conversation a little:
"Dad, can I go to a counselor tomorrow" I said
Dad: I will have to talk to the doctor first, but I think I will let you check your hormone
Me: But... I dont think it is about hormone tissues...
Dad: Son... I dont think go to a counselor nesscessary
Me:... But I want to
Dad: No, I dont think it nesscessary
Me:.... Why?
Dad: Because it just wrong. Crossdressing are wrong
Me: WHy crossdressing is wrong?
Dad: Because it against moral physic, against the world, boy should be boy, and girl must be girl, I dont accept half human half evil in this family
Me: Whatever, I will have a surgery once I get out of this family
Dad: But son, can't you see it wrong??? Why you want to have a surgery?
Me: Because through surgery, the law will accept me as a girl.
Dad: And what are you going to do after that?
(This is a hard question)
Me: (Silent for a while) I don’t know… Give me a day and I will answer it.
Dad: But son, why do you want to be a girl so much???
Me: I … I don’t know… It just feel right…
Dad: Well son,… It just your mind, you only a child, a 13 years old child, you will change as you grow up.
Me: No dad, I can’t change, you never meet any other person like me, right?
Dad: Yeah, you are the only one.
Me: That, I know lots of people who never change on the internet!
Dad: I don’t care about them; they are only a small portion, crazy and mental people.
Me:…. Whatever, I will just wait until I get out of this house.
Dad: As long as you are in this house, you have to obey me.
Me: Fine…
(silent for a while)
Dad: I know that you was shocked…
Me: About what?
Dad: When you was 2, you was sick and I took you to the hospital, and you was sleeping. Then when I see that you was getting better, I went to pay for the service. But as the same time you woke up and you didn’t see me so you was scare and cried a lot, saying “Dad left me”. Then you was obsessed about me left you after that. And when I did left you t go to America, your friend keep bully you and said “You don’t have a dad”. And when I come back to Vietnam, when I go to your uncle house and you was at home with mom, you told her “Mom, dad left us”. Your childhood was filled with memory of missing your parent.
Me: I really don’t remember that…
Dad: It because of the condition of our life, I have to go because of the condition… Mom moved since you was 6, leave you to the care of your uncle…
Me: …
Dad: (go on) And now, when you get to America (he smiled), you was shocked because Elissa (the girl I like in my class) kick you.
Me: … Dad, she doesn’t have anything to do with this.
Dad: No son, really,… she made you shock, didn’t she, I read some of your facebook post about how shock you was….
Me: Dad!!! I'm not even your friend on facebook…
Dad: Well… I know all thing about you
Me: Well… whatever
(mom go in)
Mom: The principal told me that you said many thing conflict each other on facebook. You said that you was a gangster in Vietnam, but you and your gang sit at home and play Lego. And you like girl but end up want to be a girl. (and lots of thing more). We are your parent, we know that you just come to America, you can’t use word as good as an American. And when you are mad, you can’t control yourself.
Me:… ha,… ( I didn’t know what to say)
Dad: You are not bad as study, you just a little lazy
Me: dad… I think you changed the topic…
Dad (smile): Well, about the old topic, I just have to tell you one thing; please consider what you are going to do, for our family is not a low class family. Your mom grandpa and grandma was famous teacher that everyone in the state (In Vietnam, there are state system, too. A state equal a City, I think) knew about them. Her family was known for have many famous people. I was lucky to marry her. And my family… even when we were just farmer, not a high class family likes your mom, we are good student. Look, we were poor, but later, all 9 of us (my grandpa have 7 son and 2 daughter, lots of kid right?), we all become doctor, nurse, dentist, pharmacy. You see? And that is not it, my oldest brother was the best student in literature in our state, and was 4th when he go to the national contest. Your mom younger brother and my older brother was contestants for the national math contest and was planned to go to Poland and Russia for math contest. Our family is well educated. I myself is good as math, graduate college in one year. Why? Because we took study as a matter of living and dead!
Me: Fine…
Dad: But son, you really want to be a girl that much?
Me: Yes,… why?
Dad: Son,… honestly, you are a boy, and we are happy to have you as our son. You think we don’t proud about you? No! We know you failed in your important 5th grade test, but it only because you didn’t care about the test. Your 5th grade teacher told your uncle that you was the greatest student in the class. But you end up failed the test… (he laughed). But I’m ok with that, not important anymore, now you have to focus on SAT. Son, I want you to know that we are proud of you… We were happy and proud when you go to piano festival, that why I tell your cousin about it; we were proud when we know you was the best chess player in the city (in Vietnam, not in America, and yes, I am good as chess). We are proud about lots of thing about you, and yes, we really proud to have you as our son.
Me:… You cared that much?
Son: Yeah! Why wouldn’t I?
Me: … ( I didn’t know what to say)
Dad: Son, don’t let Elissa take you down. In fact, I was really happy to know that she kicked you.
Me: why??? (my face was like this o.O)
Dad: Because she isn’t beautiful and she look really tomboyish.
Me:… Dad, I think we changed the topic again…
Dad: Yeah, I think you have enough about the old topic so let move to the new one
Me: But dad, you said she wasn’t beautiful, but I'm not handsome neither…
Mom: YOU AREN’T HANDSOME???? NO SON!!! I THINK YOU ARE THE MOST HANDSOME BOY IN YOUR CLASS!!!!
Me: You sure about that???
Dad: Yeah son!!! Dude, did you know that Mr. Hien (a friend of my dad), Mr. Doan (another friend), Mrs. Tuyen (a friend of my mom), and many other people asked me about let their daughter marry you when you grow up??? Especially Mr. Hien!!! He asked every me to have a deal (not really a deal, I'm not good as English so I used the word deal, you know, it is like Asian family, your dad decide who you going to marry, and they often deal with other parent)that you will marry his daughter. Many girl in Vietnam liked you son!
Me:… You serious???
Dad: Yes!!! Mom, be honest, do our son look handsome?
Mom: Yes
Dad: see? Not just mom, grandparent, but many many of my friend told me that, even my patient
Me: I think they are just being polite
Dad: Who told you that you are not handsome?
Me: Lots, my nephew told me that I'm ugly, as well as my cousin, and a stupid guy as the temple (my family is Buddhism)
Dad: Wow,… they are stupid!
Me: Dad, maybe I'm handsome to Vietnamese people, but no American
Dad: I don’t care about American people, I want you have Vietnamese wife…
Me:… But really… many people want to have their daughter to marry me that much???
Dad: Son, you live with me long enough to know that I only say what I think is true, right? I would never say anything wrong unless I don’t know it is wrong. Lots of people asked me to let their daughter marry you.
Me: I thought I was worthless… no one care about me…
Dad: Son, we are proud to have you as our son, so just forget about crossdressing or become a girl, that will just bring shame to our family….
…
And we have a long conversation after that, about girl, about marriage, about getting into college and university….
….
So what is the point of this topic??? Through the conversation, I changed my view a little, and I will summary about it.
What I learned:
I worth something, at least
I have talent (like playing piano, play chess)
I can become a doctor easily if I really focus on study (dad told me that I'm smart)
My family is not a low class family
Dad cared for me

My view point:
I still think that I suppose to be a girl
I want to have a surgery, but now I’m afraid my dad will be sad ( I wasn’t before)
I feel like there is a hole in my heart.
I want to be a girl, but as the same time I afraid that will bring shame to my family…
I really need to think about this….

[Carolynn]

So what is the point of this topic??? Through the conversation, I changed my view a little, and I will summary about it.
What I learned:
I worth something, at least
I have talent (like playing piano, play chess)
I can become a doctor easily if I really focus on study (dad told me that I'm smart)
My family is not a low class family
Dad cared for me

My view point:
I still think that I suppose to be a girl
I want to have a surgery, but now I’m afraid my dad will be sad ( I wasn’t before)
I feel like there is a hole in my heart.
I want to be a girl, but as the same time I afraid that will bring shame to my family…
I really need to think about this….

Yes Tiana, you do. And though your father thinks he has a handle on the problem, you still need to talk to a counselor if he will let you. If nothing else, as a uninterested party, the couselor can help you work through all your feelings, help you to define who you are, and help you deal with learning to be yourself (male or female) in a nearly alien culture. It is not an easy process to change cultures, and the counselor can help with adjustments.

Your father sounds much like mine when I was growing up, and yes he does indeed seem to value his son and wants the best for you and his family.

You certainly have a lot to consider.

Carolynn

[Anita]

I agree with Carolynn. You do need to talk to a third party about this.

I respect your dad from this conversation. I think he's really doing the best he can under the circumstances.

Your feelings about being a girl will not go away, so it's important to talk to someone who is not going to change the subject.

[Tiana]

this thing feel like a long story that going on forever, it never end... it just like a fantasy, a real life fantasy, where you encounter problem and try to fix it. Your mission is to free the girl from the boy body and be happy, but beware of the temptation you meet on the way... for it will stop you from saving the girl.

Geez... This thing took take about 50% of my mind, making online game take about 35% of my mind, study took the rest.
My head hurt

[Leeza]

I agree with Carolynn and Anita. Your father wants what he feels is best for you although you might not agree.

Leeza

[Carolynn]

this thing feel like a long story that going on forever, it never end... it just like a fantasy, a real life fantasy, where you encounter problem and try to fix it. Your mission is to free the girl from the boy body and be happy, but beware of the temptation you meet on the way... for it will stop you from saving the girl.

Geez... This thing took take about 50% of my mind, making online game take about 35% of my mind, study took the rest.
My head hurt

Yeah, I am familiar with that feeling, like an obsession isn't it, an itch you just can't get scratched? It is typical of people with gender dysphoria (the persistent feeling that your mind and body are not matched), Tiana, and can give the behavioral aspects of AD&D (Attention Deficit Disorder). It isn't really, its just that so much of your attention is taken by the dysphoria that other things, other aspects of life and even study, can suffer, when you are actually fixed on the conflict caused by the dysphoria to the near exclusion of other things. Younger people who find this in their early teens are especially affected by it, since there are lots of demands on their time and energy from just growing up and dealing with the hormones of puberty.

Please recognize that this is so, and find sympathetic and knowledgable ears to help you deal with the gender dysphoria. Not to constantly come back to this, but a counselor trained to help young people with gender dysphoria and other problems can help.

Keep your communication going with your Dad and Mom. If they can see your struggle then maybe they can become your best allies and supporters, but they do need to understand what you are going through. They do not yet have that understanding, but rather see it as a problem of will and intelligence to overcome it rather than to fix it. My father, like yours, had a lot to overcome from his early life and did pretty well, so he couldn't imagine that there could be something that couldn't be OVERCOME by hard work and focus rather than needing help to do so.

It will seem like a never ending struggle, especially at some times more than others, and you can get so tired of it. But there is a better life ahead, just maybe not tomorrow, but more like in years ahead, so hang in there and don't get impatient and dispirited by the feeling it is dragging on forever. Others have been through it before you, and survived.

Carolynn

[Tiana]

my dad think that going to counselor is not necessary, now what?

[Gardenia_SO]

Hi Tiana,

I'm jumping in a little late, but could you ask your dad to take you to your regular MD or primary care physician? Maybe he/she can help you convince your dad to get you some support, be it through a counselor or support group.

-Gardenia

[Carolynn]

my dad think that going to counselor is not necessary, now what?

You are not listening. It will likely take time. It will not happen in a day, or two or a week. He won't change his mind in a day or other short time. Keep communicating with him, and let him know that the conflict is making you miserable, if it is, and hope he will change his mind.

As I said, he comes across as a proud asian man who believes in the power of the mind and hard work to make a life. As such he holds family and appearance to those outside the family in a traditional way to be important. And he doesn't really believe that you really think you should be a girl. He is thinking about how that might shame the family if it is true, and that is not unusual either. Unforturately, if he denies getting you help to deal with your questions, then you are the one who will pay the price.

You may have to resign yourself to doing your best and waiting until you can take care of it yourself. That would be about 5 years away, a drop in the bucket in terms of a human life span, but an eternity for a teenager that wants to see everything happen for them at once.

Just keep letting him know that the conflict is not gone, and do your best to deal with classes as well as you can, and with life. He has already told you he is proud of his son, just keep doing well and help him be proud of his Child regardless of gender.

Carolynn

[Absaroka]

Tiana Carolynn has made excellent suggestions which I hope you will remember.

Perhaps you can enlist further aid from your school. The principal sounded pretty understanding. Maybe go see a counselor for "other reasons"

[Kimberly Kael]

I'm sorry I haven't weighed in earlier. It has been a fairly hectic week.

Tiana, I'm glad you're able to discuss everything with your parents. That's really important, even if they don't understand or agree with you at this point. Keep talking to them. I would advise against trying to convince them of anything in particular, though. Tell them what you feel when you feel it, not something made up just because you think will change their minds. The best possible outcome is that they understand you and you feel comfortable talking to them.

I'd also suggest that you not focus on surgery as a magic solution for what you're feeling. It isn't an option for you today, so what is? Worrying about things you can't do will only be frustrating. Figure out what you can do that makes you feel better about yourself. Some of that might be an exploration of what it would be like to live as a girl, sure, and that's something you need to know if you think it's where your life is headed - but even then I'd suggest looking out past that goal. Whether you're a boy or a girl your gender is only one small aspect of who you are. What about the rest of life? Are you creative? Kind? Smart? Helpful? Funny? Focus on the kinds of things that will make people want to be around you and enjoy having you as a friend. Work on skills and habits that will be valuable no matter what clothes you wear.

... and as others have said look for ways to get in touch with a counsellor who can talk to you about your gender identity. Your parents will have to agree to it, so keep talking to them but also to adults at school who have shown they want to help you. The one thing you shouldn't do is let anyone tell you what your future has to look like. Nobody can predict how you'll feel in another few years, not for certain. Anyone here who tries to tell you what you'll feel later in life is just guessing, and they might be wrong.

In the meantime, please post whenever you feel like it. We all want you to have a wonderful, fulfilling life no matter what path you go down.

[Absaroka]

Tiana I don't know how much you have read of other peoples threads and so on. I thought I should mention that both Kimberly and Carolynn have either transitioned or are en route to transition-I lose track of some stuff. In any event their advice to continue on with all the other aspects of life, even though the gender ones may seem overwhelming, is very sound. A good education and good personal development will make dealing with the difficulties of surgery much easier, should you someday choose that route.

[Ralitsa]

Tiana,
I will observe here that you seems to be so focused on going to a counsellor that you are overlooking the value that your discussions with your parents can provide. From what I read, it seems that both your parents are willing to discuss the situation and you seem to be comfortable talking to them about it. Now it's true that your dad is trying to convince you of his opinion and a counsellor would be more objective. But also keep in mind that your parents care more about you, and know more about you, and have spent more time and effort on this situation than any counsellor ever will. Your dad seems to have brought up some points about girls, marriage, and college that are of concern to you, and that is very important. Gender identity doesn't exist in a vacuum, it very much determines how you will relate to the world for the rest of your life. So while a counsellor could be very helpful, do not let your preoccupation with that allow you to discount your parents. Right now they are the best resource that you have, and they seem very willing to help. So use them as your counsellors, tell them everything you are feeling and thinking. They may not agree with you, and they may tell you things you do not want to hear, but as your father said "he will never say something he doesn't believe to be true" and that is worth a lot.
You actually are very lucky to have parents like you do. There are some parents who would tell their child they were worthless, and beat them for even discussing it. Asking tough questions that you can't answer and pointing out all the problems with your proposed idea is the job of parents, they wouldn't be protecting you well if they allowed you to run right off and do something without seriously considering every aspect. Whatever your ultimate decision is, you are much better off having their support, so I suggest you make that your priority.

[Absaroka]

Tiana rereading this I noticed something important. You dad has said repeatedly that he is proud of you as a son. This may be upsetting to you as you want him to be able to accept you as a daughter someday. But the bottom line is that he is in fact proud of you. It would be far worse if he was scornful of you as both a son and a daughter.

I agree with the other posts. It sounds like your dad loves you and is doing his best. This is a traumatic thing for not only the person who is trans but for everyone else around them.

Stay strong, be the best person that you can, and be patient. I know that sounds like very difficult yet pollyannish advice. But I'm afraid you are stuck with that.

Zari