A question mostly for our SOs

MiMi (SO) · Post by **MiMi (SO)** » Sun May 09, 2004 5:14 pm

Dear Darlene,

Your are a real doll. It does help to have a place to learn and your question is providing that for me. Thank You!

I'm sorry you've had a hard life. I do hope that all your trials have brought you to a good place now. Wishing You All The Best....MiMi

Dear Josey,

I'm learning so much and I thank you for adding to and/or confirming so of which I've learnt. To me my husband's shyness is not truly shyness at all. It sounds like the same thing you may be describing, a protective barrier from intimacy. The very strange thing is I've never seen it. I do see the wall but a truly sky person never seems to look outside of themselves. Charlie is just the opposite, however he doesn't necessarily express it. Thanks for sharing! Luv Ya...MiMi

As a general note - There are time I believe Charlie is very comfortable in his own skin. The contradiction is the fact that he never told me (I discovered by accident). I can understand the reasons for not telling a SO but if you are truly comfortable with yourself wouldn't finding a way to tell your SO be an extension of that?

A Happy Note - For the first time Charlie & I had a good laugh about his "t_ts". I was very afraid until now. It was a brief moment, a comment Charlie made about himself but it was such a bright ray of hope for me. I'm not certain I'm making any sense here but since I shared my bad times, I thought I'd share some good times too.

Best To All...MiMi

Kay(SO) · Post by **Kay(SO)** » Sun May 09, 2004 7:16 pm

Since I'm a therapist I guess my husband figured he didn't need another one. But, guess what? I dragged him to couples counseling and he is now seeing the guy for individual as well. So now I'm not the ONLY one who knows. There's two of us. Whoo, hoo! There are times when I feel torn between wanting us to get involved with other couples and meetings and the fear of what might happen if we do. I'm afraid he'll run amok and want to dress all the time. Part time I can take, shopping, helping with makeup and even going out occasionally. Except it's just us. Always. I would like the support of being friends with another CD couple. He's too afraid of getting caught to put himself out there. And I truly understand that. I just feel frustrated about it. Thanks for listening to me.

Kay(SO)

Loretta Ann · Post by **Loretta Ann** » Sun May 09, 2004 9:03 pm

To all the SOs who have responded to this thread.

This helps me to understand and appreciate some of the struggles you are going through as a result of living with a CDer, and I hope others will benefit from this as well. This is the Kind of stuff that makes for a more understanding world.

Thank you for sharing your lives with us.

Josey · Post by **Josey** » Sun May 09, 2004 9:18 pm

Hello Kay,

Something you said at the end of your last post really caught my attention. Frist, let me say that I am very happy to hear your husband has agreed to meet with a conselor. That has to be a load off your shoulders. Now for your comment.

You said you wish you could get with another couple. This really hit home to me. At one point, I had a daughter and a wife in my life and both knew Josey. Then, my daughter moved out and started a life of her own. She now lives about 100 miles away. Then, I lost my wife. Now, I find myself alone and would love to meet and be with others. Unfortunately, out here in the sticks of Florida, the nearest support group is about 100 miles away and no one will admit it if they are a cd in red neck territory. If you should happen to figure out how to meet another couple or even another cd, please let me know. Seriously, I do know what you mean and it always seemed it would be better to spread out the knowledge of this a bit. In a large way, this forum does that for me. The folks here are my cd family and I love them all. Maybe, your husband should try that also. Just a suggestion.

Kay(SO) · Post by **Kay(SO)** » Mon May 10, 2004 7:10 am

Josey,

We have a local support group which he won't go anywhere near due to his fears, and I do understand. Then there's one in the next big city but that's two hours away and then we run into the childcare issue again (which always seems to be an issue). I contacted them a long time ago and we are welcome if and when he wants to go.

I also found my own support online and joined a women's only group which I've been on for a year and a half, this group and then another mixed group. I love my groups and the people I've met. My best friend is a lady I've never met, which I find really funny.

Part of it for my husband is that he sought out support in the past and it didn't go well for him. And once he has a bad experience he holds onto that. He could benefit greatly from this group but won't do the online support thing. Instead he'd rather keep to himself and suffer in silence. Me, I'd like to go to group things, have friends we could go to their house or out with, do some of the conventions, etc... It's ironic this man has a spouse who WANTS to do these things and HE doesn't. It's usually the other way around. I'll let you know if I come up with any brain storms of ideas for you. One thing I might suggest is to see if the support group that's 100 miles away has a website. You could do what I did and write to them and see if anyone in the group lives out your way and hook up with them that way.

Hugs,
Kay(SO)

Josey · Post by **Josey** » Mon May 10, 2004 7:54 am

Hi Kay(SO),

You ae so very correct. It is so unusual to have an SO who wants to socialize with others and have the husband not wish to participate. My wife was so supportive but her support only went as far as the front door. That was where she drew the line. I had no problem with that because she did so share with me behind that door. I hope your hubby comes around and agrees to share with others. It will certainly make life easier for you and probably for him, too.

As for me, I do like your idea and will certainly make an attempt at it. I do truly appreciate your input. Thank you so very much. I will let you know if there is any success. Please keep us informed of your progress in meeting others.

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Tue May 11, 2004 3:29 pm

Kay, A thought ran through this blonde's head - not really a far jaunt for a thought and wide open too! anyway, what would happen if you had a "Guess who's Comming to Dinner?" dinner? Do you know a CD'er and their SO that might drop in?
Just a thought, and thanks for being there for us!!
Love,
Deborah