Hurting the one you love

[Jassmine(SO)]

Hi Jessica_Karen ,

Welcome back

Only this time we really talked...didn't just blast away at each other. Amazing how much better that works, isn't it? It's like we've discovered there are rules for discussing things...like listen to the other person, ask for clarification, consider the other person's feelings. These are tough issues (at least for us), but somehow we managed to stay connected, and we both (it seemed to me) felt the other person really cared about what we were going through. I think that is hopeful.

That is fantastic! Definitely a step in the right direction.

I think she is finally beginning to believe me when I tell her that it won't go away. That's progress, I suppose, but her bottom line is still, "No."

Yep, it is progress. She is starting to come to the realization that this isn't going away and that she cannot change you. Which is good.

Is she willing to make any kind of compromise on the CDing issue at all? Has she told you why your CDing is troubling her? She has her own reasons for feeling this way and knowing the "why" of her feelings will help both of you gain a better understanding of this issue.

Kay's comment, that if you tell someone what you need, and your needs still go unmet, then chances are your needs will never be met by that individual.

I have to agree with Kay. She is right on the mark.


I am glad that there are some good things happening in your life and that she is working with you on resolving the other issues. But, if your wife will not or cannot compromise on the issue of your CDing, you need to do what it takes for you to be happy in life.



*Hugs & Love*

[Jessica_Karen]

Message(s) received Marda and Jassmine. We had a tough go with the counsellor yesterday. He kept pressing her on why she didn't want to know more about how others had dealt with similar situations...why she didn't want to have that information. She kept saying she needed more time. He kept asking the questions that I've been afraid to ask, for fear of "pressuring" her. "Time to do what?" he asked. "Usually people who ask for more time are dealing with some sort of fear. Are you feeling afraid of something? Why don't you want to know more about how others have dealt with this situation? Might it not be helpful?"

She said, our situation was unique. The information might not be reliable. She didn't like the internet. Support groups, if any exist locally (they don't), were too public. If she had any questions she would ask me. But right now she didn't have any questions. When he pressed her further, she finally blurted out that maybe she didn't want to know. That knowledge could cut two ways. She quickly covered this over, but I heard, and so did he. And I think we all know the significance of this. She's afraid that she can't find a place in our relationship for my CDing, and it means facing the consequences of that reality.

She left the session angry and upset. She told me later that she felt she had been "beaten up on." That he hadn't focussed on the positive things we'd been working on over the past two weeks. She wanted "baby steps."

Well, I'm happy with baby steps, too...but I need to know that we are, indeed, taking some...not just standing in one spot.

*sigh* Well, clearly this ain't over yet, is it? We've been given an assignment: to set aside time for a discussion between the two of us, before the next session, dealing with these issues. The task that I've set for myself today for today is simply to ask her to let me know when she's going to be ready. (I know what her answer will be: "I don't know when.") But I'll ask, anyway. I told her I would see the [counselling] process through. That means we're going to have to talk.

[Marda]

HI Jessica Karen
***
"The Six Basic Fears"

"There are six basic fears, with some combination of which every human suffers at one time or another. Most people are fortunate if they do not suffer from the entire six. Named in order of their most common appearance, they are: -

The fear of poverty
The fear of criticism
The fear of ill health

The fear of the loss of love of someone
The fear of old age
The fear of death

All other fears are of minor importance; they can be grouped under these six headings ...

Careful analysis has shown that women are more susceptible to this fear ... (The fear of the loss of love of someone) ... than men. This fact is easily explained. Women have learned, from experience, that men are polygamous by nature, that they are not to be trusted in the hands of rivals."

"Think & Grow Rich"
Napolean Hill
***

Translation ??? It seems almost *too* obvious !!!

If your wife *Denies* "Jessica Karen", she *Eliminates* her *Rival*, and thus resolves her "... fear of the loss of love of someone ... " (the man she "believe(d)s she married).

Of course, underlying her *Primary Fear* there are so many personal and social pressures ... in my Dear Mother's case, she seemed to be terribly afraid of "opening her mind" to the "new and strange territories" of my Father's Intellectual pursuits ... advancing her "education" and "knowledge" was a strange and unnerving concept for her ... she "believed" girls grew up to be women, took a short term career in "woman's work" (secretarial), married a man, had children, tended the home, "and lived happily ever after". My Father *Started* his University education at 36 yrs in preparation for a major Career Change at 42 years ... my Mother "resented" (Feared??) "being left behind".
***
All IMHO

Love / Marda

[Jassmine(SO)]

Hi Jessica Karen ,


Marda makes some very valid points. Is your wife open to seeing a seperate therapist to help her with some of her issues? After reading your latest post, I could almost feel your wifes fear. What do you know about her past? Has she been through any serious traumas that you are aware of? Learning about her past may offer some valuable insight into what she is going through now. She, of course, will have to open up about this at her own pace. If she is uncomfortable discussing this with your current therapist, I think she may need find one she does feel ok with.

That knowledge could cut two ways. She quickly covered this over, but I heard, and so did he. And I think we all know the significance of this. She's afraid that she can't find a place in our relationship for my CDing, and it means facing the consequences of that reality.

I concur. But I also get a strong sense that she is also trying to deal with something else, as well. As I stated above, I feel that she needs to find a therapist she feels very comfortable with, to help her figure out why she is having such a difficult time with this issue. Hopefully by exploring and resolving some of her past issues, it may help her explore and resolve this current one. In hopes that she may just be able to find a place for your CDing in your lives.

I told her I would see the [counselling] process through. That means we're going to have to talk.

Indeed it does. I know you don't want to push her, and I agree. Opening up the lines of communication will take a lot of patience on your part. Be gentle in the way you ask her if she's ready to talk. Maybe something along the lines of, " Sweetie, I know this is very difficult subject for you to talk about, but if we are going to try to work through this we will have to talk about it. I love you and I'm listening" Just a thought.

Best of luck and brightest blessings to you both

*Hugs & Love*

[Jessica_Karen]

Hi, Marda, Jassmine,

As always, you give me a lot to think about. Jassmine, you wrote:

I also get a strong sense that she is also trying to deal with something else, as well. As I stated above, I feel that she needs to find a therapist she feels very comfortable with, to help her figure out why she is having such a difficult time with this issue.

It hadn't occurred to me that there may be something else going on here that I'm unaware of. I have no idea what it may be, but I'm not dismissing the possibility out of hand, either. You may well be right. And she is not completely at ease with our counsellor. He's male, for one thing. This seems to make a difference to her. I've asked if she wants to change counsellors, but she says, "No."

A separate counsellor, for her to see on her own may be a good idea...and it's one that we have considered, but I haven't pushed it, and neither has she. Something we should consider more seriously, perhaps.

Oh, and I will be gentle, Jassmine...in my own fumbling way. At least I'll try. Thanks for your good thoughts.

Love to both of you,
Karen

PS: and thanks to Honey for your private message yesterday. Much appreciated.

Bye for now.