Does *anybody* find this easy?

[Georgia(SO)]

Hi Jabbela,

What an interesting name. Is it German?

Thanks for your considered reply to the original question. I can't speak to your wife's thoughts, so I will try to tell you mine. Feel free to skip any or all of this that either doesn't seem to apply or that you don't wish to hear.

My guy would also prefer to dress the majority of the time, or at least feel free to do so. There are times I'm really ok with it and don't particularly notice that Tom is in a dress this morning. There are other times that I'm not - I want Tom to *look* like a man ... or more to the actual point, I think -- there are times I want to feel and look like the *only* woman in the relationship. These mixed emotions come and go, merge into one another, as do all other mixed emotions.

I would suggest that you look at this way. Suppose your SO drastically changed her appearance regularly. Suppose you like her with long hair, slender figure, looking very feminine. And then, about 3 or 4 days a week, she cut her hair, blimped out, and stomped around in work boots. And then the next morning, she was back to long hair, feminine etc. It wouldn't make you love her any less, but it would be disconcerting. Sorta like waking up three mornings a week to find that the sun has risen in the west and the steering wheel is on the wrong side of the car. For me, its not earthshattering. It's unnerving. That's it. It's unnerving.

As for finding her material on the Internet, my gut feeling is that she'll find it herself unless she's totally uncomfortable with computers. In my own case, I know that my guy would be mortified if he knew I was on this site, which makes me feel a little like I'm sneaking around, because, well... I am... Still, it took me a while to find what *I* was looking for, and I suspect she will too. OTOH, what *he* thinks I need to read is not necessarily what I *did* need to read. You could tell her that there are sites such as this one that have hidden SO sections and leave it at that.

I think what might have made all of this easier for me, and still would, would be if my guy weren't quite so sensitive to questions I have. Of course they are dumb questions at first. Of course, they are the same old questions that all SOs have - are you going to turn into a woman; are you gay? Ya'll wondered about this yourselves, I think. If it's a new concept to us, we're going to start with the same dumb old questions.

Besides, they are common questions because they are questions we all commonly have. I'd like to be able to ask him what it is he gets out of this - how does it make him feel - why he gets a rush out of this. Sorta like I ask him why he voted the way he did. Sorta like if I was Christian and he was Jewish, I'd want to ask him why he believes what he does. No attack, no judgement, no trying to talk him out of it, but a real desire to understand the thought processes.

I understand why he's reluctant to talk about it. Partially, I think, it's years of being castigated. But also, partially, I think that for *my* guy, this is a place he goes alone. I try to relate it to my writing. I have to go write sometimes. Sometimes its good enough to publish. Sometimes it isn't. But it is *my* place and I don't like having others in that place with me. This may not be an appropriate comparison for you, or for others, but I think it fits *my* guy's feelings. I think... Not really sure, since he would never be rude enough to say "Go away." So, I'm guessing...

At any rate, the reluctance to talk about it and to answer my questions leaves it as this big old mystery that confuses me. And then sometimes, I'm just dense. He's told me, briefly, that he can't explain it to me, since he can't explain it to himself -- and I didn't quite fundamentally *get* that until I poked around on this site a while. Truth be told, I thought he *did* understand it but was reluctant to tell me the real reasons....Listening to the other CDs talk about how they can't explain it to themselves, listening to their fears and frustrations and all has helped me to recognize that my guy is not just holding back from me. He really *can't* explain it. Tacky on my part, but true...

One last thing, and then I'm outta here. I know your lady offered to take you shopping and that's very cool. From my vantage point, I would suggest that you be very observant on this trip and see if she's uncomfortable with it once ya'll get in the store. I was willing to go, but once I got there, it felt.. ok...to be blunt...it felt wierd. Not embarrassing, not earthshattering, but very, very wierd to see him looking at skirts for *him*.

See, the deal is, whether this is politically correct or not, ya'll *are* in our territory. This may not be a very evolved way of thinking, and it blows our minds that we are as hypocritical as the men who resisted us wearing jeans, but it is there. And it strikes at some less-than-charming core of us. Whether we like it or not, whether we accept it intellectually or not, we were all raised in the You Tarzan, Me Jane society. And when you need it to be You Tarzan, You Jane Too, it's a little hard to find a place for *me*.

I think that is what is so hard to grapple with, simply because it is so simplistic. When you present as a woman it is disconcerting, solely because we have all grown up expecting to more or less expect the book to look more or less like its cover. Kind of if you bought a dictionary and it turned out to be a cookbook.

That, I think is the crux of the matter. Presentation of gender *is* one of those fundamental paradigms that underlies our society. And paradigms, folks, are just that. They are the *givens* in our society that make us not have to analyze every damn interaction that we undertake.

And whether CDs think that they agree with that or not, I would argue that you do or you would not need to present as a woman to express your feminine side. You could do it perfectly well in your jeans and boxers. We *do*, rightly or wrongly, all get hung up on this.

Conversely, if you just liked the way silk feels, you could do that with silk boxers. Now why society thinks I'm hot and sexy wearing a man's dress shirt and nothing else and thinks you're a bit different wearing my blouse is an issue that is way bigger than my little brain can come up with.

OK. This is far more than I should have written, but its been on my mind.

-g(so)

[Jeannie]

Being a crossdresser is very easy. About as easy as it would be for George W. to respond to reporters question with an answer that made any sense.
Women will never really understand us. We dona't really understand us. Youncan't find something that cannot be found and I stop looking. If a man is too macho woman get turned off. If we get in touch with our Femme side a bit too much they're turned off.
I think we are the pefect 3rd sex.We can fix the car, protect our family, change a tire but also,cook,do the grocery shopping(I just love to go grocery shopping!) clean the tub after a bath and still be able to climb a ladder in heels to paint the living room ceiling. We are better than a Leatherman. We do it all. Forget Mattell. We are the original transformers!

Big hugs

Love
Jeannie

PS- I almost forgot. How many men will paint your toe nails and let you paint theres? Go ahead! Name two! My only question is "Where are all you bi-sexual women when we need you.".... "Honey! Who do want tonight? Johnnie or Jeannie? ... "Both" ....."Which half?" Life can very interesting if you go with the flow. When in Rome.......

[Nick]

Being a crossdresser is very easy. About as easy as it would be for George W. to respond to reporters question with an answer that made any sense.

Nice... that is classic.

Crossdressing is easy for me, but that's mostly because I grew up with a "So F*cking What?" attitude. Now, as far as me possibly being transexual goes... I'd have to say that its quite a bit different than just being a crossdresser. Crossdressing is no less a challenge by any means, but being trans is more of an emotional thing, I think. With crossdressers, it seems to be mainly about acheiving the female appearance. I don't even really think about being what society says is "feminine" or "masculine", but more on actually wanting to be a woman. I don't even really hang out with very "feminine" women, and the only other transpeople I know are both FtMs (We all watch <u>The L Word</u> together... it's cool). If you want some good info about gender, listen to "Gender Game" by Alix Olson (Beware that it's kinda... untraditional...)