Difficult Way Of Life

[Oregon (SO)]

kay thanks for starting this great thread. I have read all the posts and everyone seems to sort of agree or has added more to the 'it's a harder life'.

But I wanna jsut play devils advocate with this okay?

Glass half empty or glass half full?

I know for alot of women who got married and had no clue I am sure more than a few have probably wondered why on earth would any woman (liek me) choose to actually date and marry in this turbulent community.

And trust me I certainly had my fears just like everyone else about what I really was getting myself into.

And even now that we have a daughter I have pleny of my friends tell me that we really should not do this around Cleo , that we are bringing on more difficult issues and making life more hard for her than we should, ect, ect.

And to answer all this I say how is this any harder than a person who has dealt with something just as challening in life?

it is hard to find anything at all to use as an anology to tg stuff. But forgive me for trying...

If a pesron has to be in a wheelchair the rest of their life due to illness or accident, you can be depressed about it and moan about how crumby life is, or decide to check out all those sports designged for those who want to explore all the new things that lie ahead. There are so many programs and activites for people in wheelchairs it is mind blowing!

If you have a child and one day find out this child is gay, are you going to be embarrassed by this, or will you think of all the events and causes that you can now support and take part in to show your love for you kid?

I know those are sort of extreme comparrisions, but really life throws all sorts of curveballs our way and we can look at them as these miserable difficult hurdles or as a challenge against our status quo...

I think if you handle things honestly, openly, and with courage and a head on approach it does not seem like such a tough life.

For me when I look at my life compared to other peoples lives I think of how fortunate I am to know exactly what my husbands 'thing' (or kink) is. Because ladies most women have no clue what their guy 'really' likes or is into or gets turned on by or will never share. I mean all of us on this list don't have to worry our guy is looking for a street hooker becuse that turns him on,, or going to a gay bathhouse because he is homosexual and cannot tell anyone, or calling some sex chat line because he likes to talk dirty.

We all know, the cards are on the table and that is pretty damn cool if you think about it for a sec. You don't even have to 'like' or understand this, but you KNOW. And that is awesome because I would easily say about 85% or more of teh female population has no clue what their man really wants. And lets' jsut say most of the time you are not going to learn it be reading the Ladies Home Journal.

Anyway, i don't go on, but there are ways you can look at this and make it a hard life or ways you can look at it as a not that hard of a life.
Hugs
kathy in canada

[Kay(SO)]

Kathy,

I understand where you are coming from and what you're saying. And I really appreciate the positive spin you put on things. At the same time, I won't minimize for myself that no matter what my attitude might be, there are times when it's difficult for me. There are times when it's painful and confusing. And yes, I may not have to worry about what turns my husband on but what if I don't like that it's not me but himself in a dress? It's hard for me to look at that in a positive light. In all the years I've been with him, I've tried to find a positive way to deal with CDing. The best thing I could come up with has been to find a compassion for what it's been like for him. I've done this to get out of myself and my own negative feelings. Beyond that, I find nothing positive in the experience for me. Other's mention his softer, gentler side, etc... well that doesn't apply to my guy. There are still times when I think about leaving him to find a more manly man and to escape from the femininity that he exudes and I've been with him for seven years. There are still times when I question why I'm here and living with it. Those are the times I refer to as difficult times because it takes so much out of me to come full circle so to speak and realize that if he wasn't a CD'r I may not have fallen in love with him in the first place. Remove CDing and he probably wouldn't be HIM. Does that make sense? And you weren't playing devils advocate. Just looking at things from a different perspective and that's part of what's cool about being here. We all get the opportunity to learn and grow from hearing other people's takes on things. Thanks for posting!

Kay(SO)

[Paige]

Kay,

Respectfully, I for one find it hard to believe what you believe:

And yes, I may not have to worry about what turns my husband on but what if I don't like that it's not me but himself in a dress?

It is my wife that turns me on not my dressing. I enjoy expressing my feminine side by dressing in female clothes but it is the sight, smell and sound of my wife that turns me on. Unless your husband is different than most of the CDs on this forum I suspect it is you and you alone that gets the fire going for him.

Just my two cents Kay. I enjoy your posts and appreciate all of your input to this great forum.

Hugs,

Paige

[Kay(SO)]

Not attempting to be blunt or offensive but, my husband and many other CR'rs I am aware of are sexually aroused by dressing. It is hurtful at times if my own self esteem is low at the time this happens. That's what I was referring to. And to be aware of how excited he gets is at times bothersome to me. It's MY issue not his but it does affect me in a negative way. thanks for sharing too. I appreciate everyone's imput.

Kay(SO)

[DonnaT]

Kay, sometimes my wife will say something similar, but I always tell her that it is in her head, since it only appears that way. If it was the dressing, then I would be aroused all the time, but we made love many more times when I wasn't dressed. In fact, she's the only person that has aroused me in that way. The later dressing, whenever incorporated, merely heightened the experience for me.

But there are quite a few CDs that can only get aroused by dressing, and I can understand the frustration of an SO feeling undesirable in such a case.

I imagine it would be similar to the feeling some CDs get when dressed, and their SO finds them undesirable.

[Beauty]

Hi Kay,

I'm really glad you did read that link. From the looks of it not a lot of people did. It's a really powerful story of what life is like for an SO. Maybe from my comments it looked like it was going to be an "all-supportive" commentary from an SO who's married to a TG'd person, but it was far from that. It was just a day in the life of. Basically it was reality.

I asked my wife to read that web page (she hates reading things on the web) and it even shook her a little. I could see it in her eyes. Still, I asked her after reading how hard that one woman has it if she'd support me if that were my decision and she said yes.

I'm not sure I'll find out if she's telling the truth, but who knows, ya' know?

I agree with you this is really a good thread. Thanks for starting it!!!

Beauty

[Beauty]

Hi Kathy,

I think you're post was right on the money. I think honesty is very important and so is understanding adversity in a relationship isn't always only related to an SO's CD'ing.

I don't think comparing CD'ing to a tragic event like a debilitating accident isn't a bad analogy. Finding out your spouse is TG'd can be traumatic enough that someone may only be able to take so much. People can realize, "I can't do this" and separate. It's also a good analogy because those who are fully supportive at first of their husband/boyfriend's TG'd way of life experience things that care givers experience "burn out" and they become incapable of supporting them anymore, become bitter, and often end up leaving the marriage.

I think the honesty you talked about knowing someone's kink is also true too. Many men get in their cars and say they are going to the grocery store to buy a six pack and though they come home with the six pack they've also stopped at a girlfriend's house, stopped on a street corner to talk to prostitutes, or stopped at the famed rest stops for a George Michael encounter (though George Michael was actually entrapped by a undercover agent, you get my point) I think you're right, at least you know what can turn your husband on.

I agree with Kay, you weren't being a devil's advocate too.

Beauty

[DonnaT]

I'm really glad you did read that link. From the looks of it not a lot of people did.

I asked my wife to read that web page (she hates reading things on the web) and it even shook her a little. I could see it in her eyes. Still, I asked her after reading how hard that one woman has it if she'd support me if that were my decision and she said yes.

I'm not sure I'll find out if she's telling the truth, but who knows, ya' know?

Wow Beauty, you took a big chance having your wife read the link, IMHO.

I know if my wife read it, upon my request, her first thought would be, "Why did he want me to read this? Is he planning ongoing further than promised?"

I hope the look in your wifes' eyes weren't because of similar thoughts, and that you made it a point to let her know exactly why you asked her to read it, and that you you had no plans on taking your transition further.

As for the story, maybe a discussion in a new thread?

[Kay(SO)]

Donna,

Okay, so I was probably exaggerating a little. I DO know that I am a source of arousal and passion for him.

And no, he isn't one of those that needs CDing to get excited. However, without getting graphic, what I'm trying to explain is that I have been present when "incidents" have occured that surprised him and myself. And no, we weren't being intimate at the time. Once we were walking into a casino from the elevator of our hotel room at the MGM and he had to run back upstairs. That's what I meant. How am I supposed to feel about that? And it's not the only time it's happened.

My husband goes away from our home to dress (sometimes I'm able to go with him and sometimes I'm not) and each time, I go through this range of emotions that I don't understand or have to process and come full circle with. It can be exhausting, depressing, deflating, and when my esteem is low I think to myself, hell what does he need me for? Of course, I don't mean that literally. I'm just sharing some of what goes through my head at different times in our situation.

When these "accidents" or incidents of arousal due to CDing occur, personally I find myself feeling disturbed at some level and sometimes possibly threatened by it. And I know I'm not the only SO who has gone through this sort of thing or these feelings. I'm just one of the ones willing to talk openly about my feelings and what I've gone through. Anyhoo, sometimes this stuff is hard for even me to talk about but I always want for other's to understand a different perspective so that we can continue to have compassion for one another.

Kay(SO)

[Virginia]

Please ladies, indulge me as I tell yu what I am dealing with and "the female perspective." You know I have a TG friend, Brandi. We leave in September to go to Florida for eleven days for her transistion surgery. Maybe some day I will tell you about that too! Anyway, for the record:"I HAVE NO DESIGNS ON HER - NO ATTRACTION BEYOND OUR FRIENDSHIP."
We get together sometimes three or four times a week. She will come over here or I go to her home and we have dinner, talk about everything and enjoy each other's company. I posted a pictire on our site which was taken at her home, and a couple of you commented (thanks) humerously, I will add about how you liked (for you Beauty , MY polka dotted blouse, but they you felt my skirt was too long!) Well first I had no intention in going our in public like that as I try to be a good ambassador and would not want to embarrass any of you. Anyway. I was dressed rather provocatively - yes and yes I did enjoy my ride across town in rush hour. I mentioned the comments I had gotten, to Brandi and she said, "Well you did look like a hooker!" It hurt my feelings and I told her so and she tried to apologize and we talked about it - I was getting over it when here came the proverbial 2x4 and hit me right between the eyes - Yes I am a bit dense sometimes, most of you have already picked up on what I am going to say - Brandi, Brandi is for all intentional purposes, a woman! I had been looking at her as just my friend and a person, but she is a "she" and as has been posted above - GG's just have a problem getting their minds around us -Dumb me!!!!! but now I know better!!!
I am going to begin restricting (sorry, Beauty) but restricting Virginia from Brandi, not me (en drab) but Virginia as it does seem to put a bit of stress on Brandi although she came through this part of her own "Magical Mystery Tour." She has found herself and that makes me soooo happy!
Finally, girls, I am going to need your help after September and you can figure out why!!!! I will be losing a good friend as she hopefully will spread her wings and fly away! It is only right, but I will miss her!
Love you all,
Virginia

[DonnaT]

he isn't one of those that needs CDing to get excited. However, without getting graphic, what I'm trying to explain is that I have been present when "incidents" have occured that surprised him and myself. And no, we weren't being intimate at the time. Once we were walking into a casino from the elevator of our hotel room at the MGM and he had to run back upstairs. That's what I meant. How am I supposed to feel about that? And it's not the only time it's happened.

When these "accidents" or incidents of arousal due to CDing occur, personally I find myself feeling disturbed at some level and sometimes possibly threatened by it.

I think I can understand your concerns, Kay, and I don't want to make it appear that they aren't warranted, but the way I see it, I don't see why it should make you or any other SO feel less desirable. But hey, that's only my opinion, for what's worth

Now, if he were like some guys who have premature "accidents" by, for example, simply looking at certain attributes of other women, then I would definitely say there should be cause for concern. Or if he needed other stimulation, such a porn, watching strippers, etc., then I would definitely say there should be cause for concern.

But if it's simply because something he had on got him overstimulated or he was overexcited about being in public, that appears to me to be more about his self control than any reflection what so ever on you.

Somewhat disconcerting I grant you, especially if he couldn't perform later on in the evening. But not so bad, really, compared to others as mentioned above, IMHO.

[Kay(SO)]

Donna,

I agree with you completely there. And I realize that on an emotional and mental level, it really is my problem. I continue to work on figuring out why it disturbs or makes me feel weird. I'm not sure at this point but have come up with many reasons, none of them rational, of course. But then to me as an SO, so many things related to CDing don't seem rational to me. But, that's just me. Thanks for the input and it's actually been nice to be able to discuss this sensitive topic with another CD'r. You seem to understand what I'm feeling and also offered me some things to think about that I hadn't. Hugs to you,

Kay(SO)

[DonnaT]

Virginia, I do think you are overthinking this.

(1) You already know/knew what such a short skirt implies, as proved by your comment on being an Ambassador. And, knowing you knew this, I chose not to make a comment on the skirt. Heck I like wearing short skirts myself. Makes me feel younger, not naughty or provocative.

(2) I think if you could distance yourself further from Virginia, you might make the same or a similar comment as Brandi did. Heck, take my picture in the Gallery where I'm wearing a Maid's uniform. Certainly not something I'd do in public. And it's clearly indicative of what some may think of 'stereotypical crossdressers." But hey, I enjoy it, and am not ashamed of what I enjoy. If you, or I, enjoy short skirts, that's our right.

I'm not going to let someone's comment on my attire ruin my enjoyment. In fact I'd prefer a honest comment if I asked for one. That shows they care. OK, so it hurt. Truth does hurt sometimes. However, in all honesty, I think you should apologise to her for being upset in response to her honesty.

(3) If your dressing as Virginia is truthfully stressfull on Brandi, then by all means don't visit her as Virginia.

But I wonder, in what way she has indicated that being around Virginia is stressfull?

As it is now, it appears that you are thinking more in terms of how CDing is stressfull on real women, such as SOs.

Personally, not having met Brandi, yet, I think she likes you as a friend in any mode you choose to express, based on your other posts.

Finally, girls, I am going to need your help after September and you can figure out why!!!! I will be losing a good friend as she hopefully will spread her wings and fly away! It is only right, but I will miss her!

I doubt you'll lose her friendhip, even if she does "fly away." And if she does fly, then we'll be here, or there, for you.

[Elizabeth]

Hi girls,

Charles Swindle wrote:

"The Longer I live, the more I realize the impact of Attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company--a church--a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past-- we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way, we cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it, and so it is with you--we are in charge of our attitudes."

Love always,
Elizabeth

[Kyra]

Hi all,
Kay, I wish I had some wonderful colloquial saying to emphasize what I feel in my heart. But, alas... I do not. Life has a funny way of doing that to us, no? I feel compelled to say something, yet my mind cannot form the words. So I sit here typing useless babble. I can tell that you love your husband dearly, else this wouldn't be such a problem for you. Sorry I can't help.
I only hope in my heart of hearts that you find a solution.

I must add a thankyou, too. You situation gives me food for thought. And as I am always trying to make my love happy, this thread gives me understanding in what ALL SO's must go through at some point in time.

Thanks go to all of you.
To Kay, for sharing some very personal issues.
To Donna, Sally, CJ, Kathy, and everyone else who've shown insight and compassion in this discussion.


K