I think I have figured myself out

[Absaroka]

Well maybe. But I was thinking about my CDing the other day and trying to figure out where on the continuum I belong. Sorry to repeat myself here for those of you who have read some of this before.

I don't want to be a woman. Not really, even if it might be an interesting thing to be struck female for a week. I like being a man.

I have lots of non traditional male aspects to my character. I'm emotional, nurturing, and a bunch of other things. I'm comfortable with them and don't feel they have anything to do with my enjoyment of womens clothing.

So I'm a guy in a dress and a bra. But what exactly is that about?

Of course part of it is sexual and that is how it started out. But after all saying something is sexual is a bit like saying going out to dinner is about eating. There's more to it.

What's been confusing is the either/or aspect. If I say I'm going out to dinner with friends in an Jaanese restaurant it's shorthand for a bunch of stuff. It's about eating, it's about socializing, it's maybe about ambience, it's maybe about either going to a new place or a familiar old place, and maybe about not wanting to cook. Maybe it's about pleasant memories of something as comfort food or maybe it's about it being a place where eating raw fish is socially acceptable.

But we get to sex and it's about sex or it's not. I don't think that's the case.

Cding is about fantasy. Sometimes the fantasy is about sex. A fantasy can be about sex and about other things at the same time. So it's about sex, it's about fantasy, it's about fantasies about women and sex. It's about comfort objects. It's about having an invisible friend. It's about holding on to something in myself, of being what I am, which is a crossdresser pure and simple and not pretending to myself that I'm not. Yet at the same time it's about enjoying the power of a secret for me. I am after all the guy who liked to walk around the city at 5 a.m. just to see what was going on (no night life, but you'd be surprised at what happens) and who thought that when I heard the bell in town hall toll the hour while everyone else slept that this meant I knew something that they didn't. This might not be as much fun if everyone knew, might ruin my little joke. Maybe not, maybe that's just an excuse.

I get annoyed sometimes when people talk about expressing their feminine side by dressing up when the really feminine thing to do is to adapt to our partner and wear what they want us to do. That's what women seem to do, at least more than men do. But what I'm coming to understand that getting in touch with our feminine side means getting in touch with expressing some of our ideas about women by cding.

So when I wear a skirt at home, alone, for hours, just enjoying it, not getting aroused but having a bit of a thrill about something, it's expressing something but only expressing it to myself. When I walk through the woods at night in a black dress it's expressing a bunch of things-enjoying the night, enjoying the woods, enjoying the secret that I'm sharing with the night and the forest. I'm a big believer that when we are alone we are still expressing ourselves to God (while He's listening to the tree falling alone in the forest) although I think He cares a lot more about how we express ourselves to other people.

This all made more sense to me when I was thinking about it and now as I write it something is getting lost. But it's late and I'm tired. Maybe I'll come back and edit this tomorrow.

Absaroka

[Anita]

Well, Absaroka, it's certainly thought-provoking as is. I like that analogy about "eating out" not just being about food! Our fantasy lives can be a very rich experience, and it's especially rewarding when they can be woven in and out of the actual life. As people on this forum, we all get to do that to some extent.

I also identify with being out and about at times and places where no one else would think to go, or sometimes even want to go. Since early childhood I've always had this inner image of being a lone soldier on an outpost far out in the wilderness, guarding the fort even after the empire had collapsed. I don't do much noctural wandering any more, but I used to like to do that a lot.

I think you'd be one of those who say, if you really want to be femme, then let's see you at the sink after Thanksgiving dinner, rinsing off dishes and putting away leftovers. it's still more likely to be women who are doing these things. But you also recognize that men can and do run up against a barrier in trying to express feminine qualities while still presenting as a man.

[Virginia]

"It's about comfort objects. Its about having an invisible friend." Hello!!?

Think about that Absaroka! I think your cross dressing may, may just go a bit deeper, subconsciously than you may realize. Sharing your "feminine side" with nature!? A lot of us can not, will not, do not go out and face the world as our "alter-ego!" We are willing to share it with ourselves however ----- and in your case, Nature! Nature, yes, "she" has given us a gift, that is to experience our feminine side, something that most "males" of our species are want to feel! That is very, very special. To realize the basic biological events that must happen for us to come into the world and bring with us this "gift." I mean how special and lucky are we? Then to even carry it forward into adulthood and have the innate ability to recognize that we do have a special gift!? That is just soooo cool!

I do not pretend to speak for anyone other than myself, but like some of my sisters here, I do not need to put on clothes for Virginia to express herself and like you said it is not so much how we accept ourselves as how we share who we are with others and women seem to do it so much better than the male of the species.

Yes, you may be "just a crossdresser" in your own mind, but what you say seems to me to go just a bit deeper!

End of psychoanalysis!

Love you,

Virginia

[CJ]

Hi all,

That was a beautiful piece, Absaroka. Thanks. It even inspired a poll, believe it or not.

Love,
CJ

[LeftyRainbow(SO)]

Thank you for this insightful post.
I have great respect for anyone who can open up and share a piece of themselves.
Self reflection is so important to our understanding of ourselves and what motivates us to think, do and feel all kinds of things.
Keep sharing,
Lefty

[Georgia(SO)]

Absaroka,

Thank you for a beautifully written piece - and an insight that I have't seen in these pages before. This sounds more like my sweetie than other "explanations" than I've read before and it is something I can understand. As I have said before, it is very hard for me, as a single gendered person, to get my head around the emotions of being at all bi-gendered.

This, however, sounds like my honey and I *can* get my head around this.

thanks so much,
-georgia(so)

[Lydia]

Hi Absaroka,

Thanks for a great piece. You sure came close to hitting my personal nail on my personal head (to mix a metaphor). This is a fine analysis of the feelings of a heterosexual crossdresser.

This relates to a recent post by JoAnnDallas, in which she considers a CD as a "part-time TS."

Hugs,

Lydia

[Jennifer M]

Hi Georgia,

I consider myself a bi-gender person,for what it is worth I cannot begin to understand what it is like,or would be like to have only one gender.I like to think it makes me a little more tolerant of those trying to understand me.

Absaroka,I liked they way you wrote that and I dont think it needs to be changed.

[Mary Beth SO]

Thank you, Absaroka! That was beautifully written and helped me understand my situation with my significant other a bit more. I had been trying to understand the "sexual fantasy vs. something more" concept, and I think you explained it very well.

[Amelie-Laveau]

So let me get this straight, if Absaroka falls while walking in the woods, does Absaroka make a noise?

One other thing,, Absaroka, you are probably about my age or maybe a bit more,,, darn,, it took you this long to figure things out….???

OK Seriously, I find much interest in this statement you made:


I get annoyed sometimes when people talk about expressing their feminine side by dressing up when the really feminine thing to do is to adapt to our partner and wear what they want us to do. That's what women seem to do, at least more than men do.


This might be the answer to “Why people think cds are gay” question.

If one was to wear the clothes that are partners want us to wear then when a male cd wear female clothes this might give people the impression why they think we’re all gay. Do yall understand what I’m trying to say? You say women seem to dress for their partners(men). Then men should dress for their partners(women). So when a man crosdresses then he gives the wrong signals to people. Am I making any sense or did I just read Absaroka’s words wrong like I usually do? Of course Absaroka’s words aren’t meant for everyone, but I find it interesting no the less.

Now,, what was the original question, Oh yea, Absaroka falling in the woods,, next time be careful and don’t wear those heels to darn high.

Anyways, I’m glad that you found yourself,, it might take time but we all seem to find ourselves after awhile. I have to go to a shopping mall to find myself, I just look at the directory and it says “You are here”.

You are also right Absaroka, dressing is something that thrills the wearer, even if one likes to show off to the world like I do,, it is my self gratitude that I find feels the best. In other words, I dress for myself, whether all alone or at a crowded disco, the contentment is all mine. It's not always sexual in nature actually quite rarely is it sexual but it's "nirvana",, is that the right word to use? Also being a goth tgirl makes it all the more exciting,, it's like two taboos in one.

I hope that I made sense, I’m kinda tired as well,, rough night last night.

One more question, I am kinda lazy and tired so I don’t want to use google, but is there a meaning to your name Absaroka? It sounds exotic

[Absaroka]

Hi Amelie,

Yes if I fall in the woods I make a noise. A very loud noise. You may hear it in Baltimore.

Yes I think we're about the same age and yes it did take me this long to figure it out. But then most of this went away till a few years ago so I had no need to figure it out.

I've always enjoyed your insights Amelie.

I think maybe you misunderstood one of my points. Traditionally (and I understand that you sometimes follow non traditional traditions) women wear clothes that will please men. Sure women dress up for each other also but women buy nighties to please their husband/boyfriend/miscelaneous men. Men don't buy clothes to please women except sometimes to initially attract them. Therefore the crossdresser who dresses as a woman in spite of his wifes discomfort is exerting "male privilege" and not acting "feminine" The feminine thing to do would be to do what the partner wanted and dress like a man.

Of course after you're married a while sometimes this dynamic changes especially if the woman becomes embittered.

I guess you could say we both show off to our worlds.

As for my name, I like it because it does not have a gender, at least that I know of. The Absaroka Mountains in Wyoming are some of most beautiful, scary, bizarre, wonderful mountains I've ever seen. Not a place for the unprepared to explore to deeply on their own, which reflects some of my feelings about the support that this forum has given me. There's a place there called Crow Heart Butte. Crow was what the white people called the Absaroka Indians. As a vampire you might like it. The name says it all. Why drink blood when you can devour someones entire heart? Of course that sort of thing is illegal now. I also remember climbing another mountain where high above the trees with nothing but scree at the top of the mountain you will find very shallow graves. Not really graves, because this is where the Absaroka young men would go for their vision quest. They would lie in their grave naked for a night or so waiting to see what was revealed to them. The grave or bed provided protection from a very fierce wind and below freezing temperatures. Unlike the Southwestern Indians they did not use hallucinogens. Hypothermia and a near death experience seemed to work just as well. Plus of course it weeded out the weaklings. Personally I'd rather sit on my porch and listen to the crickets and cicadas and wait for a revelation.

The Absaroka accorded women more respect than most of the Indians in that part of the country. Women were allowed to participate in tribal councils and that sort of thing. The Souix in particular felt that this was evidence of the Absaroka's inferiority. But we are more progressive than that now.....

My but I've strayed from the original topic......

Absaroka

[ReineD (GG)]

... when the really feminine thing to do is to adapt to our partner

Beautifully said, Absaroka. It made me cry. I think you understand a woman's true spirit. The selfless spirit that loves and gives of herself.

[Elizabeth]

Hi Absaroka,

Not that I don't appreciate what you are saying, but I do believe you are stereotyping somewhat. Not all women dress to please their man. Not all women are selfless. If the main premise of your post is true, that to conform would be the feminine thing to do, then why are we even having this conversation? Wouldn't women simply conform to their man's crossdressing? Wouldn't that be the selfless thing to do?

But we know from our time here, that many women do not conform to the wishes of their man. Many women are just as exilerated by putting nice looking clothes on as any crossdresser. I believe these are normal feminine feelings. Not that all women feel it. Just as all women do not conform to their husband's expectations.

I'm with you on a lot of this though. There is definitely some connection to our sexuality, but I can't for the life of me figure it out. And I have spent a great deal of time trying to figure it out. For me there is no direct connection. I have never dressed up just for the sake of being sexually turned on. Which is not to say I have never been sexually turned on while dressed or that being dressed never turned me on.

But it's certainly not like what I would call a normal sexual turn on. It's not like the turn on I get when I see my wife smiling at me with that adorable look in her eyes. For me, I wished I was a girl before I ever wore any female clothing. I knew I was transsexual before I learned to masturbate.

Dressing definitely gives me a feeling. It's irrepressible now. I simply don't feel like a man and never have. And even if I don't look like a woman or don't pass, it doesn't change how I feel about it. There is some great power that comes from denying I am a male and crossdressing is a continual disclaimer attached to my male body.

So for me the clothes are needed as part of my denial that I am male. Without them, I would have to continually verbalize to everyone that I am not a male, or everyone will expect me to behave as one. While crossdressed, no one expects me to act male. The clothes tell everyone.

Women use clothes the same way, except it can be much more subtile. We are all familiar with what "conservative" dress style is. Or business like? Or Hot? Or Slutty? Jovial? "Fun"? Women are continually sending messages about their intentions with their clothes. So I see my need to use clothing to tell people about my intentions is a very feminine thing to do.

And there's my two cents worth.

Love always,
Elizabeth

[DeeDee]

Well...I'll never figure myself out. But, whats the problem with that? I've worn nighties to bed for over 30 years now..is that just a garment or how I feel I should? I just accept it, and now with my SO, she expects it...if i don't, she asks if I'm ill. Do I dress to please her....of course, but I always wore them anyway and she knows I'm Dee in any mode. She does prefer me as a lady, so maybe thats beyond most relationships...but I'm in heaven So, I dress to please her, (and me) and the attention I get from guy types just flatters me. It's just part of this whole, wonderful thing. Once you accept it...ummm..you accept it. Its so hard to explain. Yeah, I do lots of guy things..required....and I don't hate that. But give me quality Dee time and I'm as happy as can be So whats the answer? None...just enjoy life 'cause we only have one. And....good luck to everyone..theres a partner out there for you!!!!!
Its not easy figgering this all out, but its what we were dealt
Hugs
DeeDee

[Absaroka]

Elizabeth, yes absolutely they are stereotypes. I'd go so far to say that in our society they are even archetypes, part of our cultural mythology. But stereotypes get to be that way because there is some truth to them. Not complete truth, they don't apply to everyone, and we are all unique individuals who should not be judged by stereotypes. But when we talk about being feminine or masculine we are after all just referring to our personal beliefs or stereotypes about what this means.

Adn Dee I agree with you. The prize, the treasure, is acceptance. Understanding is only usefull as a way of reaching acceptance and it is not the only way, and probably not the best way.

Absaroka