Okay, so how to tell new GF(or SO?)

Tea Cake · Post by **Tea Cake** » Thu Apr 22, 2004 1:12 am

I really am hoping to benefit from the depth of experience here-------in the past you wouldn't beleive the round about ways I told GF's about my cross-dressing...I never really explained it right, even tried to make it seem like it was only because of a chain of events that happened when I was very young. I see now that I keep chosing to make it a part of my life, and happily so. I'm good with that part.It's just that trying to explain something that's changed with me my whole life is ummmmmmm?

So how did you tell an SO or GF? --------------------------maybe a better way to ask:

How would you tell if you had to do it all over again?

I Wonder about SO perspective too, How do you wish you were told?

--------

Tea-cake

Loretta Ann · Post by **Loretta Ann** » Thu Apr 22, 2004 2:03 am

Tea Cake.

I think it would have to be different for each one of us, we are all different to some degree. So I don't think there is any set way that would work for everyone. I suspect you know that.

For me after doing some testing to find out her reaction to the subject, and becoming reasonably confident that she would be open minded. I would simply be as honest as I possibly could with her.

It has to come from your heart.

Good luck.

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Thu Apr 22, 2004 7:01 am

Hi Tea-cake,

Here are a few threads dealing with this topic here.

I hope they can help some? I'm not trying not to comment on this. I know I have comments in most of these threads

http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... .php?t=359

http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... .php?t=487

http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... .php?t=224

http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... .php?t=479

http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... .php?t=107

Some of these links talk about telling a wife, but I think it's kind of the same. There is one link in there from SharonRose that deals with telling a GF, specifically.

Thanks for starting this thread!!!

Beauty

Loretta Ann · Post by **Loretta Ann** » Thu Apr 22, 2004 12:59 pm

Beauty.

What a great idea to put all the links together like this. Very helpfull, very wise.

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Thu Apr 22, 2004 6:38 pm

Tea Cake · Post by **Tea Cake** » Thu Apr 22, 2004 7:24 pm

What Style!!!------------------------------------Wise-Be!!!I love it!the links are really good, still going through-------------------------------- them..---it feels smart to try define MY CDing to myself a little more-----------------------------------------------( still a slippery notion I find) ...and then project a little on how this ----------------------------------------might be percieved by someone that never came accross CDing ever---that's the part I don't have a feel for---I feel great support here to really be myself with this---just seems like so many other things:
there's more clever ways to express being/gender issues than I EVER came up with in my own little vacum-world
------I like knowing I'm sharing this path with people that seem Genuinely- Wise and good-hearted------------
think I'm going to watch this thread for more ideas(espec. SO's "Wish I was told like this....")-----------------bye for now

----Tea-cake

Love (SO) · Post by **Love (SO)** » Fri Apr 23, 2004 10:16 am

Hi Tea-cake,

First I'll start with what matters most to "me" in a relationship...... ......What I wanted from the begining most in our relationship was HONESTY, truth and honesty from the begining (which I "thought" that we were "both" being honest from the start, I know that "I" was), to me that is a solid foundation to build a healthy relationship. I feel as though, when you have both of these, that "trust" is developed, but once trust has been shattered, it is very hard to gain trust once again, if it "ever" can be gained back again (that is what my husband and I are working on now).

Well, when my husband first told me of his CDing, our relationship was at a breaking point, I was at the point that I had enough of the lies

and deceit over the years. We went away for the weekend (to see a music concert) that we had planned for months in advance (no children, just us). It was then, once we got to the hotel, we unpacked our bags, we were watching television and we each had a glass of champane, then we began talking to each other about our relationship a bit, my husband told me that there was something that he has been wanting to tell me, he began to shake, he almost backed out of telling me, but I kept telling him, "I'm your wife, and I love you, you can tell me anything, I love you unconditionally. So, then he did, he said, that he like to wear the same clothes that I do, that he really like how the feel and stuff

I wasn't really sure what this all really meant, I never knew much about CDing, All I ever really knew was what I saw on television (Jerry Springer), and that scared the he** out of me, my first question to him was, "Are you gay"?, which he answered, "No". My second question was, do you want to "be" a woman", he said "No, I'm a guy, I just like to wear the clothes once in a while, men's clothes are boring". We talked for many hours that night, had a great time at the concert and then went back home.

I began to think that he would eventually want to leave us (his family) to have some other life (I thought that was the reason he told me this), because he "wanted" to lead a new life without us (the kids and I).

My husband did answer what questions I had, that he could, but I needed more information, I wanted to know everything there was to know about CDing, so I could decide if this is something that we could work out. I felt since I wasn't given any choice to decide before we were married, that it would be "my" choice now, I didn't want to wait for years to go by to discover new things and learn as time went by (I'm not getting any younger....lol), so I went to the internet, most of the sites that I found were very scary (for a wife/gf of a CD). I found a CD chat room, I began chatting with many CDs, some were very helpful, while others scared me, some told me things that made me doubt my husband even more. I asked my husband questions about the different things that I learned about (remember, this was all new to me) but since he has lied so many times before, it was hard to believe that he was "now" telling the truth to me. But as time goes by, it gets a little better (I think

)

One thing that I would recommend is, before you tell your girl friend, try to have the answers ready for the questions she may have, "you" do the research, it shouldn't be too difficult, because I think that most wives/gf's, ask pretty much the same questions. I wish that my husband did that for me, instead of me looking myself and finding some very scary things, once those scary things get in your head, it's very hard to get those thoughts out. All my husband supplied me with was, a page he printed out from the internet, "the benifits of having a husband for a CD", ( that was not really the information that "I" wanted/needed at the time.

When you do tell your girfriend, be prepared to be up talking for hours (women can talk about things forever, at least I can

)

I hope this has helped you a little

Good luck,

Love (SO)

Lorna · Post by **Lorna** » Fri Apr 23, 2004 11:18 am

Hi Tea Cake,

As for me personally, most women I have dated knew right up front as they would meet me en femme before seeing me en drab. But there was an exception recently.... a woman who knew me for almost a year before I told her I was a CD.

Miss Spataro - 7th Grade Music teacher by day, band performer by night...

she's an angel...

Anyway, I told her last week that I was a CD and had a ready pic to show her. I also explained why I like to dress. I told her that it's a fun and creative way to express certain aspects of my personality. Now this is a woman who I know has been traditinally interested in macho guys... but now she's dying to come to my comedy show, plus she gave me her #

The best way to tell a woman is with the utmost confidence... tell her in such a way that this is something that you are proud of. She will respond much more positively than if (for example) you were to mutter it under your breath while keeping your head low...

You're selling your femme side in a sense. Be very proud & confident in the product you are selling - yourself!

Good luck to you hon.

*hugs*

~ Lorna

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Fri Apr 23, 2004 5:35 pm

OMG Love!!

That was soooo beautiful!!!

Women rock!

You really did a great job of saying everything an SO can go through. It was great to read it coming from your fingertips and not a CD'r who describes what his wife or girl friend told him. (I love this site!)

You sooo deserve the name Love too because you went and sought info on your hubby and didn't make decisions based on ignorance. Bravo!!!

I agree with you about have things prepared for someone you care about or are getting to know. It's very important because when you leave that person after telling them the first time, they are naturally going to wonder if you're gay. lol Giving them information on hetero-CD'rs is very important. You're also right. Be VERY ready to have a long discussion or multiple long discussions.

SharonRose documented her relationship the best I've seen (online). She took us through her meeting her new gal, getting to know her new gal, and then introducing her new gal to this side of her.

Anyway, Love you're the best!!!!

Thank you so much for being a member of this board!! We all love you Love!!!

Beauty

Tea Cake · Post by **Tea Cake** » Fri Apr 23, 2004 8:59 pm

So, freshly motivated by all of these posts just a half-hour ago, I actually told the gal I'm JUST getting to know that I've been CDing since I was very young..phone-call where it just kind of came up---something about tom-boys and growing up with sisters, clothes etc
..it.kind of came up when I just acted interested in something I REALLY was interested in--you know? didn't just keep it to myself------------------------------.anyway details not important...sure didn't sum it all up in just a sentance and my heart started to beat fast and a little stumbling--but I think I did ok...suprised me though because she almost didn't react to it -------our conversation got immediately more candid and interesting and I won't bore you with all that-----but this is the earliest I've ever brought this up--it feels scary and exciting to try and REALLY let her know who I am--------so she asked me to call her back tonight(we both had to go)--------------and Lorna my chin is UP!---that's all for now--------------------------

Tea-cake

Amber(SO) · Post by **Amber(SO)** » Fri Apr 23, 2004 11:03 pm

Tea Cake,
I hope all went well with your GF. I don't know if the phone was the best way to tell her, but at least she knows now. Love was right about many things. Honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. You may have to ride a roller coaster to ride for a while, but I truly believe that if she is the "right" girl for you, things will all work out in the end.

I have one more suggestion for you...Give her lots of emotional support. As hard as it is for you to tell her, it's a big pill to swallow for someone who has no experience with CDing. You've had your whole life to come to grips with it, so go slow, be honest, and let her know you are willing to compromise with her to where you can both be comfortable with each other. This will help in any relationship, but it definately applies here.

Good luck to you both,
XOXO, Amber

Tea Cake · Post by **Tea Cake** » Sat Apr 24, 2004 4:52 am

A phone call only because of the distance involved(things can get spread out up north!haha)---truly, the second time we talked tonight,she was espec.warm and I felt more relaxed answering some questions she had about my CDing---and just like this thread has suggested the first questions were about sexuality --- then got lighter, bordering on funny------------somehow all this gives me faith in trying to be real...I really am going to wait for real love---even if this isn't it! Thanks for your kind words and pure thoughts-------------------

Tea-cake

Virginia · Post by **Virginia** » Sat Apr 24, 2004 7:36 am

TeaCake,
We all hope this works out for you and Love, thanks for your input, I agree with Beauty so I won't reemphasize it - just THANKS for being there for us.
Love,
Deborah

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Sat Apr 24, 2004 8:47 am

I know I haven't said it today so I'll say it now.

I LOVE THIS BOARD!!

The support for each other is just off the globe.

Amber your advice was positive, informative, caring, wise, and smart. I can't tell you enough how hearing this from our SOs on the board helps us. It's different. In a way that I can't explain. I can only feel it.

Tea-cake your honesty with your GF and her acceptance, even over the phone (I'm with Amber), was great! I'm so glad you kept us updated.

I hope you continue to. You're a very special person. Your love of animals would warm any GG's heart. Add honesty to that and you're a roaring hunk (who also dresses as a hunk-ette)

Thanks to everyone here and not on just this thread, but for all of the support we give each other!!!!

Beauty

Loretta Ann · Post by **Loretta Ann** » Sat Apr 24, 2004 3:23 pm

Tea Cake wrote;

I really am going to wait for real love---even if this isn't it!

What a real mature attitude!!!!!!

Keep that up hon. and you might just get to eat your cake as well.

Crossdressers-Haven.com

Okay, so how to tell new GF(or SO?)

Okay, so how to tell new GF(or SO?)

wise-Be

so I told her

later that night...