Crossdressers-Haven.com

Question to all SO's out-there- when your man told you about the fact that he's into crossdressing, how was it like? How did you feel? How do you feel now?
Here's my story: we had dated for about nearly one year (and gotten back together for about 3 months, after some *misunderstandings*). I knew he had a *secret* he wouldn't talk about- he came to mention it a while ago- so I persuaded him to tell me (I mean, how bad could it be? I was getting worried)
So, he told me what his *little secret * was- he likes to wear female underwear. I didn't mind at all; not for a second. I mean- I did think it was a bit unusual, but not in a bad way.I was only a little bit upset he had scared me like this... I mean- you don't know what could have been on my mind until he told me.I think I even told him "Don't ever do this again, You scared me to death".
First thought I had- that I remember distinctively: "Hmmm... Indeed, male underwear is just SOOO uninteresting!"
Then, my attitude about his little kink changed; I went from not minding it to actually liking it: I sometimes have fantasies about hthis; we like to look trough lingerie atalogues together; we have matching panties- and can't wait to move in together so we can do more.
I've tried to do more reading on the issue- and I've sometimes been very dissapointed about just how narrow-minded and prejudiced some people may be about this; sometimes I'm even frustrated on how the issue is regarded in (part of) the academic world; so, as a future sociologist, I'd really like to do research about crosdressing and gender identities.
So, that's how it was for me. How was it for you?

you are so awesome and logical. I would have thought every partner should react as you would if they had any sense but unfortunetly society's brainwashing makes that not the case. I mean we invented clothes so its us who put the social stigma on them really clothes cannot have a gender they are objects so its ridiculous.
any just want to say you are a really cool person and there should be more people like you

Thank you so much Well, I guess being a (wannabe) sociologist helps a lot.
You know, I'm kind of amused in a sick way about prejudiced people who go like : "Oh, you know, crossdressing is not natural"; to which I respond: "Oh yeah? If you wanna keep it natural, just go to a nudist camp! :D Good to see the looks on their faces...

Letitia_Jolie_SO,
Like you, my wife fully embraced my crossdressing after a while (I told her several years ago), we shop together, she suggests outfits she thinks would look good on me, etc. I'm free to dress any way I want at home as often as I like, I don't go out fully "en femme" in public very often, but I do "stealth" cross dress every day as I'm always "underdressed" and almost every piece of clothing I own is female or gender neutral. I feel blessed to have an understanding wife that enjoys this with me! The only real problem is having to buy another chest of drawers so I'd have enough room for my panties, bras, slips, stockings and tights, chemises, etc. and I had to build a bigger walk in closet off the master bedroom to make room for my dresses, skirts, blouses, etc., such a wonderful "problem" to have.
DeniseD

Oh indeed.... I'm happy for you
Do you and your wifre have matching outfits? (I especially find that cute)

No matching outfits for most things, since we wear the same size in some things we'll often buy similar but different so we each have a wider choice (same top in two different colors, etc.). Every once in a while we'll buy matching shoes, matching tops etc. We have been wearing the same toe nail polish colors recently. And some things we'll never agree on, I like tights and stockings, she prefers knee highs, we do pretty much agree on colors though.
DeniseD

I know I totally like heels; he dislikes them.
Well, we haven't gone that far since he's basically interested in lingerie but we have matching panties

Heh Letitia you sound like my wife! When I told her about "me" I was trembling so bad that I think I scared the hell out of her too! When I finally got it out, her response was, "That's it???"

What's also funny is that, up until then, I really was only interested in the underwear, too. SHE was the one to buy me some clothing to try on. And now... I'm just as interested, if not moreso, in the clothing than I am the underwear. The underwear is fun, and necessary, but seeing the complete package put together is another level of fun.

Maybe I can get her on here and chatting

Well, he didn't actually tell me... I found out myself on Valentine's Day weekend this year. I just moved in with him in January and when I was putting away laundry I found some of my old clothes in one of his drawers, some underwear and stockings in another drawer, then found some makeup in the bathroom. At first I thought he was cheating on me! After a bit, I put two and two together. I admit, I freaked - but more about the fact he was hiding it from me than anything else. I was afraid he wasn't the person I had come to know and love, and that this meant he was gay or bi, or that he wanted to be a woman permanently and that I was just a "cover" for him.

He was at work at the time, so I had some time to think about it... I had never had any experience with crossdressing, except for dressing up a friend's husband once for fun (which I had a blast doing). I decided to ask him to explain what was going on and try to understand as best as I could. He came home and I showed him the items I had found and asked him what they were. I could see that he was scared, but he said that he had been trying to tell me for a long time, but was afraid of losing me. That really broke the ice, because I was feeling the exact same way! The funny thing is, I had asked him when we first started dating if he would let me put makeup on him and dress him up for fun. Little did I know, he loved the idea but was scared to death to say so!

His reassurances that this is not sexual to him, that he is completely sure of being a straight man, loves me and me only, and does not want to get a sex change, etc. has really helped me a lot. He also gave me this site address and other info to help me get more knowledge of crossdressing as well as talking at length with me about what it is to him personally. He has given me the extra space I have needed over the last two weeks, but has always been there when I was ready to talk. Overall, I was upset mostly because he had lied to me and kept this from me. I was hurt that he didn't trust me to be able to accept his cd and know that I love him UNCONDITIONALLY. I may not always understand, but I will always try my best and I will always accept him as the man I love.

We went and bought some clothes this weekend and my seeing him in them for the first time was not at all what I had expected. I wasn't freaked out or upset - it was just him in different clothes! I think that was a great starting point for me - this will definitely be something we explore together and I feel it has brought us closer together. In fact, we have decided to post a blog together about our exploration into his crossdressing and to get others' comments and thoughts about it and have started a journal for ourselves to share our feelings, questions, fears, or just our thoughts for each other to read and for us to talk about together.

Wow, it's great that you feel this way Just take the time to explore it together- it'll do a lot for your relationship
Best of luck

Hi all,

First, a warm welcome to Jen and Letitia. Two more SOs on the forum. Yay!

I know the question is targeted at SOs but my SO, Roxanne, participates only infrequently here so I'm pretty sure the question will pass right by her. In any case, it would be a moot point as she knew I was a crossdresser long before we ever became a couple. Today, she says to me that she probably underestimated the nature and extent of my CD'ing but that this doesn't change how much she loves me.

And this is why I wanted to respond to this thread. Jen used the word "unconditionally" in her post when referring to her love for her DH. I don't hear that word used much anymore by anyone. People who say they love unconditionally and, even more so, people who do love unconditionally, are a rare breed, it seems to me.

It's a bit of a complicated issue because people are rarely in a relationship for purely selfless reasons; they do expect something from their mate in return for the love they give that mate. This is why it's good not to confuse selfless love with unconditional love. Selfless love is love for another without regard to the needs of one's own self. Personally, I doubt that exists in a pure form anywhere on the planet. Unconditional love, on the other hand, is love that, for whatever reasons (including possibly so-called "selfish" ones), does not seek to impose obstacles or barriers upon its object. I find this kind of love rare. But it does exist. Though I often hear people say, "I love you BUT..." or "I'd love you more IF...", there are some people out there who understand that it's completely to their own advantage to let their partners blossom, grow, discover themselves, and glow. Usually, the love they give in return is increased a hundredfold and is in kind. Everybody wins. Even if everybody wears panties.

The difficulties CDs and their mates may encounter in their relationships often hinge around the concept of love being conditional. But, when you think about it, how satisfying can this be? I mean, to love someone as you'd like them to be and not as who they really are? In the end, just get a mirror if you're looking for a double of yourself (or, more properly, "of your self"). The surest guarantee of being loved for who we are--unconditionally--is to love the Other in the same way. Let that Other be; let that Other grow. Yes, with growth comes the risk of each eventually going their own way, of growing in different directions (and we've all seen this happen, on this very forum) but the rewards are legion. The greatest of these is that you will be loved, as you are, for yourself. This, by the way, and very obviously, works in both directions; from an SO to a CD and from a CD to an SO.

Say this to each other: "This is who I am and this 'I' that I am loves the 'I' that you are, even though I may not fully know what it feels like, from the inside, to be the 'I' that you are." This isn't rocket science.

When I told my first girlfriend, oh so many years ago now, about my CD'ing (and it took all my courage and all my willpower to do so), she was visibly relieved that it turned out to be so small a thing. She said that this being a part of me did not lessen one bit the love she had for me. In fact, quite the opposite, now that she finally saw me vulnerable and truly naked for the first time. Thirty years later, we're still friends and still keep in touch regularly. This is what unconditional love does. It frees you of the misguided sense of entitlement that would have you grant or deny permission to the Other--any Other, close to your heart or not--to be who she or he really is (or is trying to be). Live and let live. Love and let love. Be and let be. Doing this lets you live (and love, and be) in a world full of wonder and majesty, a world where the beauty of individuals is allowed to shine through.

Sorry for sort of hijacking this thread, gals. Just had to get that off my 34C.

Again, a warm welcome to the new SOs.

Love,
CJ

Letitia and Jen,

I think many of us wish we had someone who wanted to be a part of this with us. Someone we can trust and respect.

When I first told my SO, I started slow. I told her I liked to ware panties. She was okay with that. Even liked it a little. Then showed her a few photos of me at parties in dress. Then showed her some of my dresses. But by that time she didn't seem comfortable with it anymore. She doesn't mind as long as she doesn't have to see it. She likes the photos but not seeing me when I'm dressed.

I was really hoping that after she got use to it that one night she would just say "hey, can I do your makeup tonight" or "lets go cloths shopping, you could use a new outfit." But instead she feels better just ignoring it.

I think what you are trying to do; to be a part of you SO's life is wonderful. It will take a while for both you and your SO to learn each other's boundaries but being open, helpful and understanding to each other's needs is a great start, and more then many of us ever get.

For me CDing is part of my life, not all of it. There is so much more I could share with my SO if she was open to that little part of my life.

I have a great respect for those of you who can love the man who at times is needs to be or even just feel a little like a woman and are willing to be a part of that life and to share in it with them. Not to just look past it, but to look at it and say, "it's not just okay, it's something we share."

Thanks so much for your replies
CJ, you are very wise
Lily- your message is very touching for me. I guess we all have our limits (I mean- even I'm not 100% sure how I'd put up with him fully dressed up in public, for instance...). I guess you need to just give her some time and show her all the love you can in the meantime- there were things I felt less than comfortable with at a certain point (for instance- I thought he looked a bit cheesy with a bra), but now I fully embrace.
Best of luck
Jen- did you and your guy start a blog? I'd be very interested in reading it

Lots of battered spouses love their abuser "unconditionally" I'm not sure it's a good idea...........


Zari