Crossdressers-Haven.com

Although I am a strong supporter for the need for honesty at the beginning of a relationship, I do have some further questions. Due to the nature of the circumstances associated with married CDs this question will be mostly directed at our SOs; but all should feel welcome to reply.

Honesty at the beginning of a relationship is what we would have in a perfect world. That being impossible to achieve, is there any one here who has benifited from the extreme stuggles this has forced you to go through? In other words can any of you tell me that you feel that you are a better person today because of what you have been through?

Hi Darlene,
I feel that CDers who have chosen not to tell their partners may not appreciate my answer but you did ask!

Each situation is different and unique so i can only share my own experience and share what i have learnt from that.
My husband kept his dressing secret for many, many years and only shared it with me when the stress of keeping it private became too much for him to deal with any longer. During the quiet years he was so scared of letting slip his 'not to be divulged' feelings, that he locked ALL of his feelings away deep inside himself.
That was incredibly hard for me to deal with. Inevitably i blamed myself and saw myself as lacking in some way. All around me, couples explored and communicated their love for one another with honesty and empathy and it tore me apart. I KNEW something was wrong. Intuitively i guessed it was something serious but everything i suggested to him was denied outright.
I can only imagine how much happier we could have been if only he had felt able to confide in me at the beginning. It sometimes feels like we've lived someones elses lives; it was mostly a lie, on his part anyway.
There were so many times during those lonely years where i seriously considered leaving and rebuilding my life alone. It all seemed so barren. I dont think ive learned anything through the suffering.
The only thing we have now learned, with the exposure of his feelings, is that those years were, on an emotional level, wasted years. Sad, but true.
Have those years made me a better person?
In my case, no. I have low self-esteem due to the way i chose to react to my husbands actions back then. I sort of put life on pause and its a tempting self-destructive option to leave it like that. My goal is to break free of those doubts and fears and get on with what is happening NOW.

However, i have found reserves of strength and dedication in amounts i didnt know existed during the latest period of our lives since the CDing became out in the open.
I am looking forward to spending time with the man he felt he dare not expose for all those years.


(Sorry i am such a waffler; did i even answer the Q?! )

RedJellyBaby(SO) wrote:
I have low self-esteem due to the way i chose to react to my husbands actions back then. I sort of put life on pause and its a tempting self-destructive option to leave it like that. My goal is to break free of those doubts and fears and get on with what is happening NOW.

Hi Red.

I don't see you as a waffler, and yes you did answer the question. About your self-esteem. I hope you can reach the point where you can see that you did the best you could given the circumstances you were in. That is something that has been passed on to you that you do not deserve, and until you can break free of those doubts and fears you will remain in a sort of prison to which only you have the key.

Thank you for your response, and the best is wished for you in your journey.

Well Darlene I cannot say I have benifited upon learning my husband was a cross dresser. At first I was hurt, confused and pretty appalled by the whole thing. It took alot of learning what it all ment for my husband and where it would fit into our marriage.
I would say now that our marriage has benifited because he told me only in that it has forced us to greatly improve our communication with each other. This improved communication has touched every part of our marriage and we both are very happy about that. Now this communication cold have improved without the CD part also, it was just the straw that broke the camels back and forced the issue.
I do fully accept CD in our marriage and admit to enjoying it from time to time.
Honey

Honey(SO) wrote: it was just the straw that broke the camels back and forced the issue.

Honey(SO)

That is what I was looking for here, My rough times have often been the straw that broke the camels back forcing the issue, serving to put me in a place where I had to look at things I might not have searched for if they had not have happened. The end results in me becoming a better person because of it.

Thank for responding.

Hello Darlene,

I just couldn't resist responding to your question. My answer to "is there any one here who has benefited from the extreme struggles this has forced you to go through?" I don't know about everyone but for me - No.

I'm so glad that I know now, I'm sad I didn't know sooner. Having said that - I understand why people are not honest about CDing. It is very, very difficult to anticipate your SO's reaction and the risk of straining a relationship is great.

One of the problems with hiding CDing is the toll it takes on the CDer. Yes I said the CDer, not only the SO. From my very narrow experience I can see where my husband's personality was no doubt altered from all the secrecy. Yes, long before we met but after we met also.

What I would like to convey is that for me, knowing my husband has this CDing side answers so many questions. When two people spend time together, sharing their lives, inevitably situations arise. In order to have a complete, fulfilling life together, you must learn to understand when your spouse is comfortable, content or just the opposite. I'm not referring to situations involving CDing directly. I mean things like one partner being more gregarious than another, one person needing more physical closeness than another, things of that nature.

An example - My spouse proclaimed to be shy, his relatives told me he was shy. From the very moment I met him - I did not find him to be shy. This had remained a quandary for over 20 years. Now that I know about the CDing I believe he remained distant for fear of discovery. He is not shy but that is the persona he chooses to portray.

Over the years some of his behaviors has given me reason for pause, such as why he is reluctant to make new friends. Never wanting to get close to other couples or co-workers. In spite of attempting to be a loner, people just love him. We socialize but I sense the limits and never understood them. He's so clever, personable, considerate, great sense of humor and extremely intelligent - you know the kind of person you just hate to play Trivia with.

It's conjecture on my part & as you know I'm still going down that road of discovery but I have come to believe this secrecy has shaped Charlie's personality in ways neither of us fully comprehend.

One question I can not answer is what my reaction would have been if I hadn't been invested in our relationship when I found out. Enough of this rambling, thanks for "listening".

If I may ask - is this an issue you're dealing with? Elaborate only if you wish.

Best Wishes...MiMi

MiMi SO wrote: If I may ask - is this an issue you're dealing with? Elaborate only if you wish.

Hi MiMi,

No it is not. I have had a rough life, and I am attempting to give something to others from what I have went through. I realized before I posted this that there would probably be a lot of SOs here that are in the beginning stages of working through these very tough issues, and therefore it would be unlikely that many would be able to see that there could be a reward and/or benefit in the future for them from all this. I am just attempting to open a window for you all that hopefully will give you some encouragement.

It is eighteen years since I was forced to look at my issues. I have had a better life since then,(it wasn't easy) but has continued to get better as time passes. And I hope that becomes your experience too.

Nuf love for now.

Hi Mimi (SO),

First, let me appologize to Darlene for going slightly off topic on this thread. Then again, maybe I'm not off.

Mimi, you say your husband was always shy. For the first forty five years of my life, I also was very shy. I actually was scared. I had trouble dealing with people because I was afraid my "problem" would show. I had no idea of what was wrong with me but I had been taught that it was wrong. Not being shy requies that you put some trust and faith in those around you and I had no trust nor faith.

When my second wife and I married, I didn't tell her. I didn't need to. I loved her so much, I was sure my "problem" would go away, being totally overshadowed by this new found love. After one month, I told her. The "problem" wasn't going away. She trusted me. This started my turn around. Then, about a year later, one night my teenage daughter caught me in a nighty. I was devastated. She came up to me and told me it was ok. She knew several people who were crossdresssers and she felt there was nothing wrong with it. It was not a "problem". The three of us talked for hours and I started to lose some of my fear and worry. She then showed me some areas relating to crossdressing on the web. I read them and some books by Peggy Rudd, The next thing I knew, I was no longer shy or worried about socializing with others. My wife commented about the new me. Telling her had a radical affect on both of us, a very positive one.

Mimi, I addressed this to you because you stated your husband was shy. I felt this related to your comments. It also does document someone, actually an entire family, who benefitted by the disclosure of a CDing habit. While I am sure the degrees vary some, I feel that most people who have admitted their role as a CDer and realized some type of acceptance by those most imprtant to them have received some benefits. I guess I still am hiding from the world since I am still concerned about social rejection but I am no longer hiding from myself. That has made a tremendous difference. If this has not totally dawned on your husband, perhaps it will in the future. I hope it does for both your sakes.

Darlene, I hope this adds to your study.

Hi Josey.

There is never any reason to apologize to me for going off topic as long as you are not criticizing some ones post, it can lead to some interesting discussions. Please feel free to do that with any threads that I initiate.

It is not a big deal, I can always bring it back on topic if it is important to me.

Darlene,

Thank you. You are very sweet.

I may take this a bit off thread as well but wanted to say a thing or two. I was told prior to getting involved in a serious relationship with my husband and I had to think long and hard about whether or not I wanted to travel this path in my life, anticipating how difficult it would be.

And my expectation was right on. It has been extremely difficult. There are still times when I question myself and wonder what I must have been thinking, when I committed to this relationship. Of course, I'm able to process it all and realize why I made the decision I did. It doesn't make it any easier however. Would I wish it away? Yes but then it would change who he is and I run the risk of not liking him. Have I grown from the struggles? Probably, but I could have done without this kind of growth and pain. Has it made me a better person? I'm not sure because I don't know what kind of person I would have been without it. I never got the opportunity to find out because of this choice I made. There are times when I wish I was a partner in a different relationship. There are times I wonder if I would be happier on my own. Yet I can't see myself being without him. Would I seek out another relationship with a CD'r if my husband passed on? No way. I am the only one in his world who knows the secret and it has been a difficult burden to bear. He refuses outside support of any kind. My shoulders are broad but not that broad and they are collapsing under the weight. Anyway, thanks for allowing me to waffle on.

Kay(SO)

I have been threw alot in my life, some has made me strong and some has made me second guess my self. When I meet my husband (Rae) I was truthful with him about me and every aspect of my life. From my troubles growing up to being BI. He was very understanding and supportive and still is.
BUT: He was not so honest, CDing has is a part of who he is and I feel that we would have not had as many ''bumps'' in the road of our relationship if he could have opened up to me sooner. Keeping that part of him ''locked up'', kept him from opening up he feelings all together.

I too thought that 'our' problems were ''me'' and tried very hard to fix me to make things (even though I really didn't know what was wrong or how to fix it) better. I would ask him what was wrong, and he always said it was not me but with nothing else to go on, as most women do thing ( I believe), it had to be me.

I would not trade the years we have had together but I do wish he could have shared sooner.

The only other question that this brings up for me was: Did he not trust me or love me enough to know I would be supportive and understanding?

I have found threw reading the post from other SO's and CD's, it is just as hard from them to tell us, no matter how understanding we are(are they hope we will be) as it is for us to hear them explain this part of them self to us.


Marie(SO)
[/quote]

I have thought long and hard about putting my self into this and I come to this with only my views and input from some other posts that I have read.
SO' are as different in their aceptance/rejection of CD'ing as there are CD'ers, that is evident. I have read posts (like Elizabeth's) whose SO absolutely will NOT accept CD'ing and evidently will terminate the relationship over it- most unfortunate! I have read posts where SO's love it, they treat it like a sister that they possibly never had. They get totally involved, helping dress, make-up; shopping; endless chatting and this affects the CD'ers either good or bad. Some CD'ers have stated too much SO involvement scares them! - imagine that? My SO initially was accepting to the point that one, as long as it did not take time from family, two, she did not have to meet Deborah, three, Deborah did not take over our relationship. Well, I won't go into the gory details, but some of you know, she "outed" me to the entire family after my requesting that she not do that until I better understood what "was happening to me." Anyway we are in family counseling, that after individual counseling and my counselor telling me, "I don't see a problem if you respect her wishes." Our current counselor has told us basically the same thing. I realize that the meer fact that I CD influnces her even thought she has never seen Deborah.
I must again relate to Carl Jung ( the father of modern psychology) - You need to read this - I think it will give you a lot more insight into what is going on. Not all CD'er will progress this way of achieve the ultimate stage of being able to merge there "anima." but reading the information should give you a starting point to discuss where you both are in, as I call it, "Our Magical Myster Tour."
http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepage ... /anima.htm
AND - THANKS FOR BEING THERE FOR US!!!!!
Love,
Deborah

"Kay(SO)" wrote; He refuses outside support of any kind. My shoulders are broad but not that broad and they are collapsing under the weight.

Kay that is a burden that you should not have to carry, and I don't think it is good for your health. That is certainly not the kind of love that is good for a relationship. It must be very hard on you. I hope your husband can come to realize the damage it is doing to you.

And I am also glad you are able to talk about it here.

"Marie(SO) wrote" I would not trade the years we have had together.

That is the kind of stuff I was hoping to find here, thank you Marie.