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There are bunch of questions that keep looping in my head,… I feel like I'm lying to myself, but I don’t know. Some night, when I was dressed and in bed, I often look at the ceiling, asking myself: “Am I really a girl?”
This question, the main question, stuck in my head and I often got headache because of it. Because of this question, I started to ask myself other question, too. Now, I asked myself:
“If I was a girl, then why do I masturbate my thing and enjoy it?”
“If I was a girl, then why do I feel attractive to girl?”
“Is this what God want me? Is this God’s plan? Have I sinned?”
“Why do I feel so girly when I'm a boy?”
“Why do I enjoy dressing as a girl?
‘Why?”
“Is it just my feeling, or am I really a girl stuck in the boy body?”
“Why is all these thing keep looping in my head when I go to sleep?”
And all other question, too. I just don’t know… I have a long way to go and to think about it. But now, I have another big question, a biggest question ever:
“Am I lying to myself?”
I don’t know, and I do not want to know. But yet,… I think I have found the answer.
…
That night, like 1-2 weeks ago, when I was in bed, dressed nicely, I read a book and that book have a section about crossdressing. Curiously, I read that part and found out that that person, used to be a boy, is now a girl. She did many great thing in her life and everything remain a secret. And suddenly, I feel bad, I don’t know why, I just wish I was her, having everyone accept me as a girl, and love me, too. So I get out of bed, take my pencil and I started drawing, I ended up drawing a boy looking anime but dress in girl cloth and I am happy with it. So the next day I put the picture in my binder and bring it to school. When all my friend look at it, they said it awesome but then they ask me: “Who is this?” and I said “Some random person?” But one of the girl ask me (privately) “Is this you? Because this is a boy in the picture, not a girl” and I just smile and said “You have to find it yourself”
From that day, I started to feel more and more girly and I got my first answer: “yes, I'm a girl”
And now every time I go to school, I wear a training bra (I'm not sure if it call training bra, I wonder if it call camisole because it long, does have a cup size but it have a line and the top part to hold the breast) and I wear a shirt under my uniform polo. I enjoyed it. It feel like I'm a girl out in public, just that no one know about it. I have lots of great time, and I hang out with other girl, too, just talk with them, about anything. But I often walk away because they were talking about Justin Bieber, which is what I don’t like to talk about (when girl talk about Justin Bieber, they yelling and singing his song a lot). I no longer care about having a girl friend, but to have someone who I can hang out, a girl.
And I got the answer to my second question: “I'm a girl, I'm not attractive to girl”
…
I talked to Davita a lot about the masturbate subject. I wonder if girl masturbate as much as boy (I was just curious) and I also wonder if girl as this age even masturbate (age of 13). Most of the girl in my class, when it is about any sex-related subject, they were like ewww! Or that gross. I used to enjoy masturbate a lot. But now, when I realize that I'm a girl, and after 1 hour searching on google about masturbate in girl, I stopped masturbate. I'm trying to keep myself clean (because if I girl was a girl and I keep masturbate, I could have lost my virginity, and now even if I'm a boy, I will try to keep it safe). I think like this “I would rather masturbate when I become a girl (when I become a transgender) and feel nothing than masturbate right now with the boy thing and feel good (I mean like I would rather become a girl and give up everything than keeping being a boy).
So, I answered another question: “No, I'm a girl, I'm not going to masturbate anymore because I want to keep my virginity and being a good girl”

Next, this is one of the hard question to answer. It is God’s view. I know it weird but my dad believe in Buddha but I believe in God. So, according to most of the religion, homosexuality is wrong. But I wonder if crossdressing is wrong, too, according to the Bible. I read some yahoo answer post about this, some of them said it is not a sin, but some said it is. I still struggle with this question, but I'm not really care about it anymore cuz I'm losing my faith in God now (I have lost my faith since I asked a girl if she would be my girlfriend and she rejected me). So this question is not answered yet
The next 2 questions, why do I enjoy it? But since I answered the big question, now I can answer the smaller question: “Yes, I'm a girl, I will do whatever I can to achieve it”
Why?
Why?
…
…
I don’t know, I just know that I am a girl, I cant prove it to you because I'm in the wrong body, but I know that I'm a girl. Maybe it is because I feel good when I'm dressed and I love girly thing? I don’t know, I really don’t know.
Last night, I asked myself some question again,… but then I fell at sleep like 5 mins after that. Why do all these question keep looping around? I just cant get rid of it, it is a boy, girl, transgender, parent, school, religion involving question. I have to be careful, make sure that I make right choice. Who know… It is my choice, and I have to make it. And I'm not sure which step to make next.

…
And now, this is the biggest question ever, it can change all of my mind, all of question, turn from yes to no and no to yes, “am I lying to myself?”. I'm not sure if I'm lying to myself, it is depend of my mood, how I feel and how much stress I am. Normally, I feel good when I'm in a girl cloth. And when I’m proud of something or when I'm involving into some boy stuff thing like asking girl out, I don’t even want to dress. When I'm really stressful, dressing is the best thing to make me feel better and it is all depend. So is it a yes or no? I don’t know, and I cant just say yes or no. But I know one thing for sure:
“I am a girl”

Tiana, I don't think you are lying to yourself because you are facing up to the questions. The fact that you are willing to ask them tells me that you have the self awareness and strength of character to eventually figure this out. I would like to give you some advice that would instantly fix things, but that's just not going to happen. The only thing I can tell you is, if you think you have to be a boy or a girl, you are selling yourself short. You are making it harder on yourself than it has to be. Some of these pressures will drop away as you move beyond puberty into your young adult years. Some of them won't.

But we are all individuals,and life will unfold differently for each of us. The things you will need to be sure of will be things like Do I have the courage to speak the truth when I need to.? Can I be loyal to my friends? Can I be counted on when life becomes difficult? If you can say yes to these questions then you can begin to understand that you are a worthy person, and can hold your head up, regardless of whether you male or female, masculine or feminine.

Tiana wrote:There are bunch of questions that keep looping in my head,… I feel like I'm lying to myself, but I don’t know. Some night, when I was dressed and in bed, I often look at the ceiling, asking myself: “Am I really a girl?”

<snip>

“Is it just my feeling, or am I really a girl stuck in the boy body?”
“Why is all these thing keep looping in my head when I go to sleep?”
And all other question, too. I just don’t know… I have a long way to go and to think about it. But now, I have another big question, a biggest question ever:
“Am I lying to myself?”
I don’t know, and I do not want to know. But yet,… I think I have found the answer.
…
That night, like 1-2 weeks ago, when I was in bed, dressed nicely, I read a book and that book have a section about crossdressing. Curiously, I read that part and found out that that person, used to be a boy, is now a girl. She did many great thing in her life and everything remain a secret. And suddenly, I feel bad, I don’t know why, I just wish I was her, having everyone accept me as a girl, and love me, too. So I get out of bed, take my pencil and I started drawing, I ended up drawing a boy looking anime but dress in girl cloth and I am happy with it. So the next day I put the picture in my binder and bring it to school. When all my friend look at it, they said it awesome but then they ask me: “Who is this?” and I said “Some random person?” But one of the girl ask me (privately) “Is this you? Because this is a boy in the picture, not a girl” and I just smile and said “You have to find it yourself”
From that day, I started to feel more and more girly and I got my first answer: “yes, I'm a girl”

<snip>

But I know one thing for sure:
“I am a girl”

I think the key thing you say here is that you want "everyone to accept me as a girl, and love me too". Probably the bit that matters is the "love me " bit. After all that's what everyone wants. And that's why, in my opinion, you keep going round and round in your head - because you want to find the answer to how to get love.

For that the question "am I lying to myself?" is necessary, because if you don't love yourself, then nobody else can - and loving yourself means being you're true to yourself.

So then comes the hard part. Which bit of you are you lying to yourself about (as you evidently do feel you're lying to yourself about something - or why all the questioning)? I know when I'm dressed up and look in the mirror, or in bed, I can feel "I'm a woman" and there's temptation to go into that even further and kind of "be a woman". But I feel that's kind of disappearing the part of me that is a man and which I've done good things out of and am quite proud of. But I'm 57 and that's easy to say, because I've had (a lot of) a life.

You're young and starting out and can't say that to yourself. But I worry, with all the pressure you've been put under - and all the rejections you've had - that you're going to go too fast along the transsexual road and not give any boy part of you the chance. After all, all the rejections you've had have been of you as a boy.

But that can just be life that does that to you, gives you rejections. It doesn't have to have anything to do with you. Some of the rejections (Or abandonments) of course are to do with you (Like the one you got from your attempt with your class-mate). But, for the rest, it can just be.

Tiana my memories of discovering who I am, how do I relate to people, liking girls, sex, and wanting to be loved are all those of great confusion. And that's without the added issue of what gender am I.

Many people find this all very difficult to sort out. Being a girl, or young woman, as opposed to a boy/ young man, is about a lot more than either sex or sexual attraction.

I'd suggest a couple of things. One is reading. There are a lot of good books out there now by folks who have transitioned from one gender to another or have engaged in similar adventures into discovering who they are. Read them, you may find something that resonates with you. Don't just read the stories of M2F transition, read the lives of those who transitioned for female to male. Examining what we are not can be every bit as useful as examining what we are.

Another step is to find some sort of transgender support group where you can talk with other people who are on a similar voyage.

Lastly don't worry too much about the masturbation issue. It doesn't mean a whole lot. Personally I can find myself becoming aroused by looking at a river or a waterfall. It doesn't mean I'm a fish.

Tiana,

Far be it for me to give you advice. what I would like to say is this... I understand you are a young person? Give yourself time to examine all that is out there for you. I do not think you should abandon your dressing desires. I feel over the next few years you can see what there is for being a man, woman or whatever you feel you see your future wants. Use this time of growth for you to figure out what is right for you. Please do not make any rush decisions, you have a lifetime. Above all be safe and enjoy your life. Remember one thing, kids, especially teen agers can be mean, so don't get hurt. I am always hearing about someone hurting someone else for something stupid ( yes adults do that too). That is my two cents worth.

Hugs,

Erica

Plato once asked, "…why should we not calmly and patiently review our own thoughts, and thoroughly examine and see what these appearances in us really are?

A number of great thinkers often used self reflection, or introspection, to find their way. Nothing wrong with that. Just don't become obsessed with it to the point of not learning about things around you and things you'll need to make for a fruitful life.

But instead, heed Plato, keep calm and be patient. The answers will come given time.

Tiana, these folks are providing wonderful support, but I still think you need to be with others around your age and going through your same difficulties. I still think you need to find another support group especially for kids that can relate better to you because they are where you are in life.

I'm not saying you shouldn't be hanging out and taking advantage of our experiences, but we grew up in different times and different circumstances. I think you need to associate with persons more in tune with your young environment; share with others who know what school is like now and what kids do now, etc.

Tiana I read your post again and was struck by how often you asked are you lying to yourself.

At one time I found I had to go through a very difficult time of self examination. People kept telling me I needed to be honest with myself. Eventually I wound up asking how can I be honest when I have no idea what the truth is? And that was my honesty, that was the truth. Because sometimes the honest answer, the truth, is "I don't know" Perhaps that is the current truth for you. In that case the patience counselled here is what is appropriate. The answer will come in time. Probably not in the time frame you want of course. But it will come.

Tiana, if you haven't yet, check out the Under 21 Club forum on this site. It is new, and for younger people who haven't been through the life experiences most of us have. And it is private, so that only the under 21s it is aimed at can access it. You might find others asking similar questions, or that even have other links that might help as well. In the meantime, I will see if some of the old links to sites for younger people I found are still active and let you know if I find any. "Mermaids" out of England is one of them, but I don't have the link at hand right now.

Carolynn

Tiana and Carolynn,

Mermaids is still active. I have the link in my website. Just Google it, it's faster. There are other groups out there for parents of trans kids as well.