We need to talk

Paula G · Post by **Paula G** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 7:15 am

I have made a major mistake, miss read my domestic situation and maybe placed what is most precious to me at risk. It appears that what I had taken for tacit acceptance from my wife was in fact silent disapproval. Rather than talk about it we had both been avoiding the subject, me because I thought she would rather my cross dressing was kept in the shadows, she because it was too painful for her. We need to talk, I have tried to stop dressing before and now know that this will not work, but I don’t want to hurt her in any way. Add into the equation that she has to go into hospital this weekend for an investigative procedure prior to more serious surgery, I really don’t want to add to her anxiety.

For her the situation had got so bad that rather than talk to me she sent an e-mail, I know this is bad I need to get us communicating again, we were never good at this but now it’s bad. In the hope of placating her, and showing my love I have agreed not to dress, and put all my garments etc. out of sight and reach for the period of Lent. I have already agreed and announced that I will be giving up booze add in the financial difficulties we have been going through over the last few months and this could be a very challenging few weeks.

As I have said elsewhere we are active in our local Church, and my wife has a simple but strongly held faith, she is of the opinion that what we do is not only a vice, but demonic, now this doesn’t fit in with my theology, but I know it will be hard for me to convince her. To be honest I have just come off the incredible high of my weekend away to be hit with this, it feels as though my world is crumbling, and apart from carrying on with life I just don’t know how we are going to move forward. Somehow having to make an appointment to talk to my wife seems strange, but I think I will have to arrange to take her out to lunch or something of that sort, any help, or advice would be welcome.

Post by **DonnaT** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 8:09 am

Sorry to hear that, Paula.

Advice!

I've told my wife how much I love her, and would, if there was a magic pill, take it to make this go away.

I remind her of the number of times I've tried to stop for her sake, but it always returns.

I then told her that there is no magic pill, and since being trans is a part of who I am, it will never ever go away. And who I am is the person she fell in love with, and whatever it was that she saw in me to fall in love and marry me, my being trans may have aided that.

Gillian · Post by **Gillian** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 10:24 am

Please deal with her health issues first. She will need someone to be strong at her side. Other issues can wait until these health stressful issues are dealt with.

Carol Ann · Post by **Carol Ann** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 10:25 am

Paula,
I too am sorry to hear of your problems, advice I really can't give as everyone knows my wife knew before getting married.

Now I have at times back down for a period of time but as you well know it will never go away. Going out had to come to a stop and that is a bullet I had to eat as it broke my heart but there has to be give and take on both sides but from your letter there is only one side her side.

In the mean time I believe your wife's operation has to come first then work on another problem.
Hugs

Leeza · Post by **Leeza** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 1:08 pm

Paula, I found out yesterday that what I thought was acceptance by my wife was silent diaspproval.

I told her I was planning a short trip if I could get thins lined up so she would be taken care of. The brown stuff hit the fan so to speak.

Before my wife and I go t married I told her I needed a rudder, not an anchor. For the first few years our communication was open enough that she did a good job of stering. Later she stopped talking and wouldn't put any input into decisions that affected all of us.

Now if it is not her way there is hell to pay. Discussion of anything important is a thing of the past. And anything that she can take as a critism is taken as a person confrontation.

I hope you can get things worked out and like others have said take care of the health issues first, although the mental issues can work on the health issues too.

Leeza

Joan · Post by **Joan** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 4:00 pm

Sorry about your difficulties Paula, and i sure hope your wife gets well soon. Hopefully she will appreciate your softer and caring nature shown during your support of her whilt she undegoes medical procedures and treatment and her recovery phase.

My wife is partially accepting, but there is an element of silent dissaproval. I think she does realise that there are minor benefits for her like I help with the housework and ironing whilst I CD. No groans when that happens!

Joan

Post by **KimberlyS** » Thu Mar 10, 2011 7:29 pm

Paula, us husbands in general seem to struggle with communication. And miss reading something that a wife means seems to also be a common thing. I have been there, done that, got lots of tee shirts. My experience is to not wait to talk about it. Well you may want to wait till after her test. But IMHO waiting often just makes the situation worse as fear of the unknown just makes the mind wander and imagine things that may not be real to the situation on both sides.

I wish you both the best of luck working through things.

Kimberly - cd
joe in a skirt

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Fri Mar 11, 2011 8:08 am

I'd definitely wait till she got done with her tests.

My therapist said the best way to present stuff like this to my wife was in other areas. Be more attentive to her, do more around the house and so on. In other words, to quote Helen Boyd, get in touch with my feminine side by doing the dishes.

Davita · Post by **Davita** » Fri Mar 11, 2011 6:35 pm

Paula, Sorry for your better half's problems and sorry for your misreading her (dis)approval. I'm inclined to agree with Absaroka about being more helpful etc. -- make Paula someone worth having about. I'm not sure if it will actually help get Paula any acceptance, but certainly shouldn't make things worse.

Again, good luck.

Erica S · Post by **Erica S** » Sat Mar 12, 2011 8:30 am

Paula, My situation is quite similar to yours. My wife and I are both religious and go to church each week. I am still learning and trying to be a good Christian. I have over the last three years gotten into cross dressing more than I ever have in my life. I have found a part of me that has been hiding and I enjoy it so much. My wife on the other hand is so against me doing so. She does not know the extent of my involvement. I feel if she found out it would be over for this marriage. So I can understand how difficult it is for both of you. I hope you can start to communicate and be able to come to an understanding that is not harmful to her and she will let you continue. I hope some day to tell my wife that I cross-dress in fact I would rather dress feminine and she will come to understand I am not hurting anyone or myself ( ex: drugs alcohol smoking ect...) and accept to some degree so I can dress more often when appropriate. I sometimes feel very alone and have no one to talk to so for me it has been very difficult to handle. I have these desires and needs/wants and have no one to talk to about it ( in person ). Best of luck to you, I am sure all will turn out well for you.

Hugs,

Erica

Paula G · Post by **Paula G** » Thu Mar 17, 2011 7:06 pm

Thank you ladies for all your very helpfull comments and advice, the good news so far is that my wife has had the results of the investigative proceedure, and all is well, now we are just waiting for the next appointment with the surgeon's team.

Although some of the sudden chill in our relationship has eased, I cannot say that all is rosy yet, we have not had a heart to heart yet, and I get the impression that unless I force the issue we won't, I have to admit that in many ways I woudl be quite happy to duck the whole issue, but I knwo that in the long run I will find I need to let Paula out again, if there is no fore warning then this could well, and indeed should be taken as a lack of trust, and honestly. As Jack Sparrow says I just need to await the orpertune moment. Can any SO give me any help on how best to broach this?

As a aside I can't beieve that we are only one week into Lent, having put all my girl things aside, not being able to have a drink is realy tuff. Fro once I'm not sure that I will manage to make it to Easter without a drop, ahhh another problem, or an indication of an adictive nature

alll too much for me just now so I'm off to bed!

Paula G · Post by **Paula G** » Thu Apr 07, 2011 4:28 am

Hi, since you have all been so helpfull and concerned I thought it was time to give a bit of an update. Well I have managed to stick to my no dressing agreement and to stay off the booze at the same time, to many this may not sound like much of an imposition but for me it is a hard combination. My wife is deffinitly much more friendly again, and I have been trying to be a lot more usefull around the home, this also may be helping. However this has co-incided with a very busy and stressfull time for me, both with the day job and my music, so I have still been out (of the house) a lot, I'm looking forward to Easter and a chance to spend some lazy time with the family.

With all my family and music commitments it looks like I shall be missing at least three support group meetings, at a time when I could do with some support as well. Now for the poor performance report, although I have not dressed, I have to say that I have been thinking about it and know that I will have to dress again at some point, I have been through the rejection, purge, regret, restock wardrobe cycle before and see no reason why it would ever be different so this time I am not purgeing! Worse I did succombe to temptation at one point and make a couple of fem purchases, so I know that I am now CD for keeps, what ever my wife wants. The realy sad bit is that we have still not managed to have any sort of meaningfull talk about it. I knwo I must pluck up the courage and force the issue since for her it will never be the right time, I tell myself it's just that I am following Captain Jack Sparrow's advice and am awaiting "the orpertune moment"

Anthony Simon · Post by **Anthony Simon** » Thu Apr 07, 2011 8:53 am

Forcing the issue - that is making her talk about something (The dressing) she doesn't want to talk about - doesn't look like a solution. It may be that you need to think outside the box - l get this sense that you need someone in the relationship other than you and your wife (like you'll never solve it just between the two of you).

Absaroka · Post by **Absaroka** » Thu Apr 07, 2011 9:56 am

You quite possibly will have the thoughts for the rest of your life, albeit in an on and off fashion. Many of us do Of course the folks who don't do not post here.....But don't beat yourself up about your thoughts. It is very true that what I think is no one elses business, and what they think is none of my business. Everyone is entitled to the privacy of their own thoughts.

But that's not really the question.

A bigger question might be does your wife need to know what you are wearing at all times, especially times when she isn't around? A corrolary can be found here with sex. Although for most of us a wedding vow implies a committement to not having sex with any one else, it does not imply a committment to tell our spouse every time we masturbate, and I suspect very few married couples share all that information.

Post by **DonnaT** » Thu Apr 07, 2011 12:14 pm

Best wishes, Paula. If you have to give in to one of your two temptations, let it be the CDing, not the drinking. It's likely CDing is beneficial to your well being, where drinking too much is not.

Yes, family comes first, and when you can't enjoy being with family due to the need to dress, then's the time to find a way to do so.

If discussing that need with your wife gets you no where and makes being with family less enjoyable, then finding a way to dress secretly is likely the only way to go, IMHO.

Crossdressers-Haven.com

We need to talk

We need to talk

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