Question from an SO

[Mandy (SO)]

Hello, I have questions about the "going out" aspect. So far, my husband has no desire to go out, he says the thought terrifies him. I think a large part of this is he is currently in the Army (6 more years til retirement) and that he could literally lose his career if he were caught. Anyway, the fact that he says it terrifies him, rather than him saying he has no interest in it, makes me think that the more he comes to terms with this side of himself, the more he will want to go out.

I guess my question is this. Through reading books on the topic, and through reading discussions here, I've gotten the impression that it's every CDer's goal to someday go out. As a matter of fact, one of the books I read almost implied that until you get comfortable enough to go out, you aren't 100% acceptive of yourself. I don't think this should have to be the case, I don't see why one can't be accepting, without it having to include being in public.

Before I come off as something I don't want to...if my husband did eventually decide he wanted to go out, I would be accepting of it and deal with it. That being said, if I could choose for him to never do so, honestly I would pick that, just because it would make our lives easier, and also because part of me enjoys the fact that it is something just him and I share knowledge of together. Both of our families would be the polar opposite of understanding, so there is no question to either of us about him coming out to them, which both of us are fine with. It's just that I read that some people think a CDer isn't totally accepting of himself unless he's out and about and tells everyone he knows.

I guess, what I'm taking a long time to say is, are there cder's who are perfectly comfortable just leaving it at home? I posted this here because I really want the imput from actual cder's and I read somewhere that they aren't allowed to post in the SO sections. I hope that's ok.

[Gelinda]

Mandy, as a CDer that has just admitted it to myself, I can relate to your husband. I was in the army myself a long time ago and would not have even thought of coming out then. I am in a professional setting now that is the same, I have to hide. Your husband has a blessing in that he has told you. My greatist fear is telling my wife. If I ever go out then it will be in a town a long way away from here. I can't afford to have to find another job. I am not sure I truly want to either, Some times I think about it but the fear of getting caught by the wrong person is too great. But as I stated before I am working up to telling my wife of almost 24 years. Just being there for him is one of the greatest things he could ever have.

[Honey(SO)]

Mandy,
My husband has no desire to go out dressed. He does wear underthings when we go out but nothing that someone else would notice.
We live in the midwest where CD would not be looked upon very well.
We are going on a trip next month for our 30th anniversary, just the 2 of us and I have offered that he can go out then if he wants and I will hold his hand the whole way...He said NO, well see.
He said the furthest away from home he wants to go out dressed is our back yard deck.
I feel that he does accept himself, now that he has told me he is much happier. We do shop for 'her' but that is as public as he wants it.
Honey

[Virginia]

Mandy, I do not think that some CD'ers have a goal of presenting themselves in public, I think a lot of them are quite happy to be "closet"CD's. I also think a lot depends on their spouse's acceptence or even knowledge of their dressing. I would assume that there are those CD'ers whose spouse do not know and they still go out and there are those (like my wife) who knows, but does not want to "meet" Deborah. I told her I pass when I go out, but when I told her I waved at a couple of the neighbors, I thought she was going to go into coronary arrest! One of the neighbors asked me the other day who the pretty blonde was in my truck and I said, Oh?! Deborah!, she's just a friend." And that was that.
Read about Stef and Cami and Cami's wife, Tara. She loves the fact that Cami is around she said it doubles her opportunity to shop! Some GG treat their husbands as the sister they never had and love helping them dress and go out with them just like two girl friends.
I started going out because of my competitive nature, I love a challenge and I saw trying to pass as a competition. That evolved to just enjoying dressing up, the feelings, the feminine smells, the nice clothes, heels, make-up - it is just a feeling of being free. That has evolved now to just enjoying the feminine personna and dealing with Deborah as an emotional being. Like most women, she is empathic, caring, loving, concerned, feelings that I must have had but had supressed most of my life.
There are many ays that we (CD'ers) express our feminine side and I think if you will help your husband nuture this new found emotional side of him you will both reap the rewards of this gift he has found and hopefully want to share with you. AS for the going out, that is up to you and since you are aware of his CD'ing actually you would be the best judge of whether or not he could pass and/or if you want to be seen with "her" in public.
Let us know how it goes, GG's input is "solid gold" here!
Good luck, Love ya,
Deborah

[Kandy]

That will never happen in my case.

[Josey]

Hi Mandy,

I am no expert in this field but I have been dressing for 50 years. I guess that gives me a certain amount of seniority! I am still primarily in the closet and not really anxious about going out. I have at Halloween and to a couple of costume parties my daughter had at her house but that is all.

Having been in the Army myself, I would recommend that he not do it while still in the service. I feel it would not be well accepted. Going to a Halloween party or other such party where dress up is expected could be one method that he could use if he ever wants to. You could go with him in some sort of supporting costume ( like the Bobsy twins). This gives him contact with others without a great deal of danger. The other thing that may come in the future (spelled AFTER ARMY) is becoming members of a support group wherever you decide to settle. I am told these are safe and a good way to get with others who understand and share the same feeling (cd's and SO's). Unfortunately there are no support groups near me so all I can do is rely on the reports of others.

Mandy, I can understand your concern here. By the sound of it, you are a wonderful supportive wife so I do hope this apprehension can be settled. I hope in my own little way I have helped.

[Kay(SO)]

Mandy,

You wrote: one of the books I read almost implied that until you get comfortable enough to go out, you aren't 100% acceptive of yourself.

First off, not everything you read will apply to your situation, or other's for that matter. Everyone is different. Some CD'rs are completely happy, satisfied and accepting of themselves while staying at home and not even dressing all the way. Some are content without the need or desire to go out.

For my husband, it is a part of what he wants. He told me in the beginning that his own personal goal is the "blend." That doesn't mean that every time he dresses he goes out. And he never goes out alone, it's always with me by his side for support. And with me having helped with his makeup so that he feels confident enough to face the public.

Also, we only go out when we are traveling and no where near our home, usually out of state.

Anyway, my point was to say that there is contentment and acceptance in those who prefer to stay at home.

Kay(SO)

[Gaven McLaren]

I can only post my point of view. I have no desire to make my self up to look female though I do want to wear more fem items. The reasons I do not currently is first a lack of money, second is a lack of courage. I have worn a bodysuit out with my denim shorts and I am sure not to many people noticed. Though it did look like a muscle tee being worn by a person with a beer belly.

[Cindy Barnes]

Hi Mandy ,
I know we are all different, but for me, I kept my CD side at home for 20 years. Now the reason I get "out" is to see friends in low stress enviroments, like T friendly clubs or resturaunts, where its not about "passing" but enjoying the company of others like myself.

I do want to get "out " for a shopping trip soon , but that may be just to prove to myself I can do it.

I also feel lucky that my SO has joined me a couple times now for some fun with the girls, and I can say for sure ,, she had a great time too !!!

This is no universal answer but its my reason for getting "out"


Hugs
Cindy

[Cami]

OK I'll pipe in since Cindy did . I have had......well 2 outings I guess but they were sequential (2 nights back to back) so I'm still very fresh to this. I, myself, hit a wall I guess were dressing at home wasn't really fun anymore. I was missing the "Friends" aspect. Being around like minded people was a big deal for me. That actually seemed like a bigger deal for me then the outting itself. I felt alone for most of my life in dressing. To be with friends really helped me on a level that I can't seem to explain. There were certain aspects that I just couldn't explain or descibe to my Wife and for some reason it seemed that these friends just understood, I didn't need to explain anything to them. Not that I didn't want too share this with my Wife but I just didn't know how or maybe she just didn't "Get It". I guess the best way that I can descibe it is that it was like a "Guy Thing" but not. More like a CD/TG thing lol. I felt more comfortable around Cindy and Stef then I have around anyone (save my Wife) really in all my life, mostly because I could truley be myself. Now keep in mind that we have simular intrests besides dressing. Just because you like to dress doesn't mean that you will get along with others who like to dress (good advice from a great friend). I'm not quite sure were I was going with all this, once again I seem to be ranting. But just let your Hubby go at his own speed, direct him to this forum or others that are filled with people that have and are going through what he is. And just Love and support him for who he is. I went from a closet case to my first outting in a very short time, we all move at our own pace it seems. I must also add a few more things, I know I sound like a broken record but Thank You so much Cindy & Stef. What you both did for me will never be forgotten, I owe you both so much. To Quote the Beatles (Which I never do) "We get bye with a little help from our friends". And as always a special Thank You to my Wife, what can I say other then I Love You. Mandy your Love and support is one of the greastest gifts you can give to your special Hubby. Best of Luck to the both of you.

[Mandy (SO)]

Thanks everyone for their replies....

I find it interesting that some gave advice as to help my husband "get used to" the idea of going out...seems to kind of imply that some DO think it's every CD'ers eventual goal

Anyway, I'd like to say I'm really enjoying this forum, I appreciate every single response, and I think I'm slowly reading every post ever made...it's a way to release I think...knowing I have no one in my real life that I can at this point (and maybe ever) talk to about this. I have always been one to talk to my mom, my sisters, my friends, about every problem, situation, etc...just to get varying perspectives to help me cope, with all kinds of things in my life. Thank goodness I found this place so that you all can act as that perspective for me

[GalicianGirl(SO)]

Hi Mandy,

Sorry but somehow I missed this one.

I know that Shannon has no desire to go out in public. First of all he doesn't even like going out when he's in guy mode. He's more of a home body. Secondly, I've know about his CDing for over 4 years and he still feels uncomfortable around me.

But if someday he ever wanted to I really would not have a problem with it. My main concern would be his safety and the fear of people making fun of him. I would definitely not let him go without me... Me being the tomboy that I am would have to be there to protect him...

Sharon(SO)

[Cindy Barnes]

Hi again Mandy,
If this helps, I never had the idea that I would ever get "out" for like 20 years,, it was not a goal or something I thought I had to do. In fact I laughed at myself thinking I could ever do it . I was totaly happy dressing at home, with my closet of Cindy things open for my wife to see,,,, no secerets there! And that was way better than many just like myself.
But after finding local friends online that were so close , and members of the Southern Bells, that gave me the courage to make those first steps out .
It was the fact that others like me got out for safe girls times in planned events the gave me the courage to get "out"
So if I were in a city or small town that didnt have the group like I have here in the South I would still be just as happy with my Girl time at home with an accepting wife like I am so lucky to have. Maybe what Im saying is that the getting out at least for me was the fact that I am in an area that happens to have such great girls for support but I would be almost as happy just being a home girl if needed, and still feal extra lucky !
Cindy

[Cindy Barnes]

Oh yea,, and Cami,,,, I feel lucky that I was a small part of your getting out, and hope You wern't dissapointed by seeing my ugly brother LOL, remember Im still new to this too so every time out is very special for me too !!
HUGS !
Cindy

[Gelinda]

what is the southern belles, if I may ask.