What happened? My summer is simply plain and boring. I spend my days in my dad office study SAT (I have to) and play games when I can. I hate it at first, but soon I force myself to like it since I believed that getting good SAT grade = good university = good job = money = freedom. I asked my parent to get me a diary to write. It helped me a lot. I wrote down what I think in my mind, my emotion, feeling and other things, too. There isn’t much to tell until I go camping.
I didn’t want to go camping, really. I just simply don’t want to go out there because I don’t want to swim; I can’t talk to other in English well. However, I decided to give it a try since this is the first time I am able to go camping in the US. Things went well in the first 2 days at the camp: When other go swimming at the beach, I sat in the camp and studied, when other eat, I eat, else I sit in one spot. I wished to go home after one day, but finally I enjoyed and hated (at the same time) the camp on the third day.
The third day, the last day, started out boring just like other day. But after breakfast, my cousin (our family go with a group of about 15-20 or more people, the include my cousin family and her friend’s family) played with her friend inside my tent. And when I come in the tent, I yelled at them to get out because I just wanted to be alone. But then her friends attacked me with a pillow. And of course, I got a pillow and hit them back. There were only 2 of my cousin friends at the camp, one was Jane, and the other was Laura. They was both… pretty evil-ish. Together, they jumped on me and fought me with their “pillow-sword” and then covered me with a blanket. Then I screamed like a girl because I can’t breath (and I take that as my accomplishment, too) and then they were all like: “wow… you screamed like a girl”. And I said “because I’m not one” and Laura said that “Yes you are” and I said “No, I’m not a boy, but a tomboy”. But they didn’t take it serious, of course, they said “alright then” and keep hitting me. Time for revenge! I tackled them back, and this time Jane and Laura got in the fight with each other. Then when we stopped for a break, we laughed and then talk. Here Laura asked me some question that I really wished that she didn’t ask like “Do you grow breast?”. Jane and Vivi (my cousin) said that why did she even asked those question? It’s personal! My cousin treated me like a girl, and I really appreciate that.
After arguing with Laura, we got in the fight again. And this time I screamed like a girl again, for like 10 second. And I’m really proud of that! Then finally, we kicked Laura out of the girl party and take a break inside the tent. But then Jane said that: “If you really want to be a girl, you have earn respect from us”. And I was like: “Why? I hanged out with the girl in my class and I never need to earn their respect.” And she was like “But to play with me, you have to earn my respect.” And then I said fine. TO earn her respect, I need to sit in one spot, no moving, and can’t block her attack while she hit me with a pillow. Well, she is devil. Can’t argue with that. But then we get a long and play. Jane asked me why I think I am a girl. I just simply told her what is inside my heart: Because I’m simply a girl. I enjoy dressing like one, I like boy, and an answer that you (girl on this website would never say to other people) would never tell other: “I like Justin Bieber, too, he’s cute”
. We laughed and talked. Then after that we decided to give Laura another chance and let her come in. After that we played card until we got bored.When we got bored, the girls decided to go to the beach. Of course I didn’t go. And I told them because I don’t want to come there and look at them swimming in swimsuit while I wish to be a girl and I can’t. They understood it and go, left me alone. Here come the first climax of the story: Everyone were not in their camp, and I was all alone. Most adult was visiting the Bonita Garden in Oxnard or in Santa Barbara or somewhere near there, I don’t know and the one who stayed to take care the kids was at the beach with other girls. Sitting alone in the tent, I cried. I really wanted to be a girl. But I can’t. I don’t know how long had I cried, but I felt like I had cried for at least an hour. After I felt better, I got up, and now a crazy thought occurred in my head: “Ah… Let borrow other girls’ cloth and dress while they are away.”
I felt nervous. After told myself that: “I will just borrow it” for a while and have enough courage, I went over Jane’s tent and took a short-short jean, a training bra, a camisole and a brown top. I got back into my tent, and dress up, feeling really nervous and exciting. After dress up for awhile, I dressed back into my normal cloth and pack up the cloth (to put it back). But just when I got outside, I saw Jane’s mom walking back, and I was like: “Oh no… How will I ever return it?” and got back into the tent. The evil keep telling me: “Well then, because you can’t return it, don’t even bother to try, just keep it”. And when I throw it in my backpack and walked outside, I felt really bad. “I am a girl, a real girl, I do not do bad thing” I thought. And then I spied on Jane’s mother. I waited just after she go away (to take a bath because she was in a wet swimming suit), I took the cloth and returned it back to it original spot. No one noticed me.
I felt way better now – at least I didn’t steal. I did feel something missing in my heart, but at least I did not do a really bad thing. I know I took the cloths away without asking, but I returned it back. I’m glad that I didn’t steal and I sworn that I will never steal. But it was not the end of the story.
The girls got back. After I got my lunch, I went and play with the new group just arrived (I don’t know if you understand what I’m saying, but I mean like the new group is a part of my current group, but they come late) from San Jose. Right here, I met a girl that gave me a small hope in the future: a third grade girl that dress just like a boy, short hair like a boy, sound like both boy and girl, and play with boy. I thought that she was a boy as first, I just realize that she was a girl when I saw her in a one piece swimsuit when she was going to the beach. I talked to her and her cousins, nephews and other. We played the imagination game where I was a bad guy and they pretended to be characters from games and movies like transformer, pokemon, dragon ball, megaman,… Then the girls came. I don’t know what gotten into their mind, but me and Laura got into a big argument. Laura said that I’m not a girl and I argued back that I am. Then she said one thing that really hurt my feeling:
“Fine, you said you are a girl, right? Come with me to my tent and I will loan you a dress” Laura said
I knew it was a trick question
“I will dress like a girl infront of you, but not outside to everyone” I said
“See? You are not a girl, you don’t even want to tell other that you are one. You just simply not a girl, and you will never able to be one.”
I was shocked
“I am a girl! But I’m just not ready to show the world that I am one!” I said
“Nah, you are not” and she walked to Jane and Vivi
I went over there, too.
Then Laura asked:
“Do you think he is a girl?”
My cousin, who often support me, shocked me:
“Well, he can be, but he still technically a boy” she said
But that is not the worth, here come the worth
“Nah, I don’t think he is a girl, he is not good enough to be a girl, and he can’t be a boy, neither since he embarrassed them, he doesn’t have a gender” said Jane
I was totally shocked. My feeling really hurt, and I couldn’t say a thing
“You are right” said Laura “Girls will never accept him”
I walked away. Then they followed me
“Where are you going? Weirdo?” Jane asked me
“Some where away from you guy” I said
“Don’t take the things we said offensively, we are just simply touched by the devil” said Jane
And I was like
“You guy are so weird”
And then Jane sang a random song that she made up, saying
“I’m a little devil! I’m a little devil,…”
I walked away.
The whole afternoon was miserable. I tried to avoid those girls. There are simply everywhere. I went to the beach and sit down, after a while I saw them and I walked back to the tent. Then when my parent got back, we prepare to go home.
…
A weird feeling occurred. I wanted to go home, but I also wanted to stay here. I like the camp, but I hated it. In the morning, it was so much fun: I thought I got someone who finally understand me and accepted me, we played card together, we talked, we had a cat fight, but then… What happened in the afternoon? They definitely didn’t know that I borrowed their cloth, but why did they talking so harsh to me. I was silent on the rest of the trip.
Got home. It wasn’t much better. I wrote in my diary about how bad I felt, and about what happened. The weird feeling haunted me for more than 4 days.
The fifth day, which I think is one week ago, was a little better. I thought I got over the feeling, but I didn’t. The next day I got into depression and wanted to be a girl so much that I sit in a small room with no light and cut myself with a plastic knife. This is the first time that I have enough courage to cut myself. It hurt. But I enjoyed it. At least I know that I am still living in the reality. I tried to give my dad a clue that I need to go to a therapy by telling him that I’m really depressed. But then he laughed and make fun of me, saying that I’m too young to be depressed and then said that I was depressed because he forced me to study and won’t let me play game. My heart broke, why does he always blame playing game for everything? I wasn’t depress because of I wasn’t allow to play game, it was because I need to go a therapy so that I can talk to him about gender issues. I gave up on telling my dad to go a therapy or counselor.
The next day was better. I cut myself 2 more time in the morning because me and my parent keep saying that game is the reason that spoiled me. I don’t think so. But anyway, I felt better in the afternoon.
Finally, I felt better.
I got home after a long day in the office. I told myself: “If I am a girl, then I will show the world that I am one.” I took a shower, shaved my whole body, apply moisture bath cream, and lotion. Then I took one of my mom’s unused sleeping cloth and wear it on top of a bra and a camisole. I also washed my face with the thing that help me clean the acne (which is what I don’t do every day) and took a sleep. I really enjoyed my life and felt sorry that I cut myself.
The second day, I was a happy girl. I got up and took a bath, brush my teeth and do other… Now I pushed myself into a training: “If they don’t think I am a girl, then I will train myself to be one”. I tried to always sit when I go to the bathroom (which I sometime do, sometime I forgot), sit crosslegged (well, I do that most of the time), try to train my voice to feminize it using the mickey mouse technique (I failed terribly) and other thing. When I go to sleep, instead of wearing “all I can find”, I just simply wear panties and girl pajama, that is it. I wanted to live like a girl: be comfortable like them – wear bra when we go outside and just take them off when I go to sleep. I don’t even bother to clip my hair since I think girl don’t do that when they go to sleep. I felt way better.
The next day I go to my nephew’s house. Well, I got another chance to steal here, but of course, I just borrowed it. There are 5 female that live there, and that mean there are lots of girls cloth in there. I didn’t need to sneak in their wardrobe and take cloths out, all I need to do is go to the bathroom and wear the worn already cloth ( I mean like the cloth that they worn already, they putted it here to give it a laundry later). I did wear their cloth in the bathroom. Wee! There are a lot of cloths here, first I wear a bra, top and a really really girl skinny jean so that I will know what does it feel to wear a skinny jean. Then I changed into another girl top, a short-short jean, a leather white belt, a camisole, and a bra (I already wearing a panties). I wished I had a camera there, but I didn’t. Well… Maybe next time, now I will bring a camera with me everyday. It was fun to dress in there, after 5 minutes just looking at myself and enjoyed how I look, I changed and go outside.
That is pretty much the story of my summer. 3 more weeks and I will go back to school. I hope I will have a great year. I still want to be accept in the society as a girl, but I won’t take it hard like I was before. I just love myself. I love every single part of my body except for one part. I shave myself everyday, take a bath everyday, clean myself,… do everything that a girl do. I love how smooth my leg feel when it is shaved and applied with lotion. I loved how I look as a girl even when I don’t look good with short hair. I just simply love myself, and I love being feminine. The world may not see it now, but one day they will.
Anyway, thank for reading and sorry for my bad grammar
). And sometime I watch movies. What else can I do?