Feeling weird after last night -- comments welcome

[Barbara]

I don't know if I can be my usual coherent self, but something happened to me last night, and I kinda need help sorting it out. Please don't laugh.

I was en femme at my local bar. It was GLBT Pride Day, and there were a few lesbian couples there, people I'd never seen at this bar before (probably just here for the day).
A very attractive woman much younger than I (whom I am merely assuming was half of one of these couples -- I could be wrong) was about to leave with her girlfriend. On her way out, she came over to me.

(This is starting to sound like one of those letters in "Penthouse Forum", isn't it? I know. Please bear with me.)

She said "hello, . . . I think you're very beautiful, . . . I love those earrings" among other things (somewhere along the way she mentioned it was her birthday), then she put her arms around me and kissed me on the lips. Then she and her companion left. That was it.

I don't know why this episode bothers me like it does. Maybe it's the idea of being suddenly kissed by a total stranger, albeit a lovely one. Maybe it's the fact that, if I had been in "guy mode," she probably wouldn't have ever looked my way--things like this never happen to my male self. Maybe I'm just thinking about it too much. But for some reason that I can't begin to understand, I cried myself to sleep.

Can someone help me figure out what the heck is going on in my mind? Thanks.

[Beauty]

Hi Barbara,

That doesn't sound like anything out of Penthouse Forum.

Someone who had some drinks saw an attractive person and kissed you. That's pretty cool, I think.

I know you'll get other responses here that might take up your time, but if you get time I'd like to ask. What is it that weirds you out? Was it the kiss of a stranger? Was it that someone just came up and kissed you? Was it that she did it while you looked like an attractive female? Was it because you weren't expecting any interaction? Did it cause feelings that you'd like to happen again? Did it open up a locked door in your mind?

Ok.. other than those teeeeeny tiny questions. I don't have anything really to say.

Thanks for posting that and thanks for being so totally rated G!

Beauty

[CJ]

Hi Barbara (pleased to meet you),

I think you cried yourself to sleep because of the intense pleasure and validation you received in being accepted A) as a beautiful woman, B) as yourself, C) by a total stranger. It's enough to make your soul soar to new heights.

Sounds like you had a grand evening, girl! Excellent!

Love,
CJ

[Stef]

Hi Barbara,

I agree with everything CJ said. I too have had it happen to me many times and it's quite enjoyable. I also know that something like that would never happen to me in boy mode either. I wouldn't put too much thought into at all other than considering it a validation of who you are. I have many many lesbian friends and if they don't consider the way you present yourself flattery to women then they won't give you time of day. I would say she paid you a high compliment last night.

Hugs and congrats,
Stef

[Barbara]

Beauty, I'd like to answer your questions the best I can right now.

"What is it that weirds you out? Was it the kiss of a stranger? Was it that someone just came up and kissed you? Was it that she did it while you looked like an attractive female? Was it because you weren't expecting any interaction?"

I guess it's a little of all of this, but the more I think about it, it's mostly the third one. This just doesn't (and won't) happen to me unless I'm in heels and a bra.

"Did it cause feelings that you'd like to happen again?" Yes, but as I just implied, preferably when I'm not being Barbara.

"Did it open up a locked door in your mind?" I'm not sure exactly what you mean, but maybe. You may have seen a post of mine from May 24, about my wife -- she's the only woman who ever saw anything worthy in me. And I am just so scared that that door's lock might be rusted shut.


Stef, you said this has happened to you and you always enjoyed it. Maybe I'd enjoy it more if my "admirer" was someone with whom I might actually have a chance for a "meaningful relationship", but to just be kissed from out of nowhere by someone I'm likely to never see again just doesn't sit right with me. I need more than that.


CJ, I might agree with your assessment if I didn't see (A) and (B) as contradictory. And if I get acceptance from a total stranger, I wouldn't want that person to stay a stranger.


Thanks for your input, my friends.

[Loretta Ann]

Hi Barbara,

You stated; CJ, I might agree with your assessment if I didn't see (A) and (B) as contradictory. And if I get acceptance from a total stranger, I wouldn't want that person to stay a stranger.

I don't see it as having received total acceptance from a stranger, That person dose not know you. I think it was her way of showing you that she acknowledged that your efforts produced every thing that you would hope for. and was probably the highest way that she could show you respect for what you have accomplished, and I don't think it should be seen as anything other than a compliment.

It appears to me that Beauty hit on something, if you would expect or wish for more than this, then perhaps there is room for further investigation behind that now unlocked door. You may be subconsously pushing other people away from you who would other wise become your friends.

[Virginia]

Cj and my sis, Darlene, hit what I would say, I guess you could analyze this for a long time, but to me the bottom line is you got quite a compliment. I would take it as such and if you want to carry it over into other aspects of your relationships then Beauty says - open the door, smile with your head up and walk in!!
Girl Power!
Love,
Deborah

[Elizabeth]

Hi Barbara,

I have had this happen to me in boy mode. It was great then, and it would be great en femme. Playing in a rock band when i was younger, I had a lot of girls kiss me for no reason. They were not going to have sex with me at least not most of them, or even a date. One time a girl I never met before out of the blue came up to me and asked me to walk her to her car. Once there she threw her arms around me and gave me some serious sugar. Then she thanked me and left. It is just a way some girls have of showing they don't fear you, and they think you are ok.

I agree that she was accepting you. She was letting you know that you were safe there, and accepted. She probably sensed your insecurity and was trying to make you feel better, and also, she may have just thought you were beautiful and wanted to kiss you. A kiss is not sex to girls, the same way it is to boys. I think anyway.
Love Always,
Elizabeth

[Sally]

Hello Barbara,

I see nothing weird in it or anything for concern whatsoever. Over the years I have made good friends with many lesbians, ( I hate that word actually), and these days I know many girls, half my age, whose sexual preference is towards other females and every time we meet we hug and give each other a kiss on the cheek. It's just a normal greeting which shows we are friends, we accept each other for who we are and are comfortable in each others company.

I've had many discussions over the years with these girls and they are fully aware of who and what I am and they tell me they are very comfortable in my company with the knowledge that they are safe and me being who I am presents no sexual or physical threat to them. I have had some of the most wonderful enjoyable nights out in the company of groups which included lesbians and find them wonderful, caring delightful people to know, notwithstanding of course that there are exceptions to the rule in every group.

I believe it's all part of the fact that we are 'birds of a feather' in that we all belong to minority ostracised groups, and we become good friends because we don't have to each spend a long time explaining ourselves to each other, we just accept each other for who we are without fearing each other.

I would also wholeheartedly agree on the lines of Stefs thinking in that if we don't present ourself in a light which demeanours women then we are more likely to be accepted and complimented.

I wouldn't try to figure it out too deeply, just savour the moment, enjoy the experience and accept that there are a lot of wonderful people in the world who don't see us as any threat.

My Kind Regards.

Sally.

[Barbara]

Thanks, ladies. I guess you're right -- I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. I guess I was just startled by the kiss, and sort of upset that (as I said) this never happens to my male self. If only.....

[Beauty]

Hi Barbara,

I don't think we were saying you were making to big of a deal out of it. It is a big deal.

I think we were just wondering what got to you.

So again, it was a big thing. It meant something very important. Maybe it just won't be figured out so soon.

As usual this forum amazes me about how we come together to form a tight bond around those we've grown to love here.



Beauty

[Anita]

Hi Barbara--
I'm more with your feelings on this one given that it was a one-time thing, and it opened up more pain than pleasure. Being reminded that your male self would NOT get this kind of treatment is no fun.

It was cute and spontaneous. It was also patronizing, too. Like Elizabeth, I have gotten enough of these gestures as a drag performer that one single incident doesn't mean much to me one way or another. But I can see why having this happen when you AREN'T a performer can just feel like someone toying with you. Like you were a someone's pet, or a cute baby.

If my reaction seems extreme, it's because I remember years when it seemed like no woman wanted to go near me. During those times, if someone hugged me, it made me angry. I'd rather they didn't touch me at all, then give me a small token hug.

I'm thankful those years are gone, but that's some of the feeling that I get from your post. The spontaneity was nice, yeah, but it left a dark feeling behind.
A

[Barbara]

Thank you, Anita -- I think you nailed it. The problem is, I was just thinking about it too much. When it happened, I was more startled than anything else (as I wrote earlier), and just a little sorry than I got a nice kiss from someone that I was probably never going to see again. It wasn't until I got home that it occurred to me that this wouldn't happen to my male self, and that's when I started crying. But I am 100% sure the woman meant no harm.

[Beauty]