It turns out it is about happiness
Posted: Sun Jun 27, 2004 4:55 am
Hi girls,
Many of you have watched as I have struggled accepting the end of my marriage and myself as a crossdresser. I have looked at it every way possible I think. I was a good husband, always faithful and loyal, strong and caring. Always worked and was a good provider. I also have been a good dad. Very much involved in my childrens lives. I don't really drink except the occassional social drink. I smoke reefer, but only when my kids are asleep, an only in the privacy of my own home. My kids have never seen me high or intoxicated.
So I just could not understand how my wife could think she would end up with a better deal, and someone to love her more than me. I figured if no one is better than me, as far as she is concerned, I must really be a bad person. It was another blow to my already fragile selfesteem. Being here in Wyoming with my friend, I have finally got it figured out. For what ever reason, which I have since realized are unimportant, I am just not going to be able to make her happy. And for whatever reason, she has also realized this. She don't know what she is going to do, but she knows that whatever she does, it won't be with me. She still loves me, in some way. but the truth is, she has not been happy in a very long time. She has hung in there and thought it would get better, but for her, it has not.
So she is at a crossroads where she has decided that she must do something other than this, or she is never going to be happy. She has decided after 46 years that she is going to be selfish. And I can't really say that I blame her. I am in exactly the same situation. Except now I am going to be selfish too. I am going to make Elizabeth happy. For the first time ever. I already feel on top of the world just knowing I am really going to do it, without being put down or made to feel bad about myself.
She told me "We don't love each other, hell, we don't even like each other" I denied this because I know I love her very much. But the truth is, I don't love her. I love the person she used to be. The person she is now, I really can't stand. Just getting away from her made me realize how much she brings me down. Don't get me wrong, I mean I still love her, but not the way I used to and I really don't think I ever will. I think I was just so afraid that I would end up without love, that I was holding on to a love that I lost years ago. There really is nothing between us and has not been in quite some time. She is not the person I thought she was, and perhaps never was. So the reasons it is over are unimportant.
I have not felt this optomistic in a long time. I really am going to become the person I always wanted to be. And I must say, it is quite exilerating.
Love to all,
Elizabeth
Many of you have watched as I have struggled accepting the end of my marriage and myself as a crossdresser. I have looked at it every way possible I think. I was a good husband, always faithful and loyal, strong and caring. Always worked and was a good provider. I also have been a good dad. Very much involved in my childrens lives. I don't really drink except the occassional social drink. I smoke reefer, but only when my kids are asleep, an only in the privacy of my own home. My kids have never seen me high or intoxicated.
So I just could not understand how my wife could think she would end up with a better deal, and someone to love her more than me. I figured if no one is better than me, as far as she is concerned, I must really be a bad person. It was another blow to my already fragile selfesteem. Being here in Wyoming with my friend, I have finally got it figured out. For what ever reason, which I have since realized are unimportant, I am just not going to be able to make her happy. And for whatever reason, she has also realized this. She don't know what she is going to do, but she knows that whatever she does, it won't be with me. She still loves me, in some way. but the truth is, she has not been happy in a very long time. She has hung in there and thought it would get better, but for her, it has not.
So she is at a crossroads where she has decided that she must do something other than this, or she is never going to be happy. She has decided after 46 years that she is going to be selfish. And I can't really say that I blame her. I am in exactly the same situation. Except now I am going to be selfish too. I am going to make Elizabeth happy. For the first time ever. I already feel on top of the world just knowing I am really going to do it, without being put down or made to feel bad about myself.
She told me "We don't love each other, hell, we don't even like each other" I denied this because I know I love her very much. But the truth is, I don't love her. I love the person she used to be. The person she is now, I really can't stand. Just getting away from her made me realize how much she brings me down. Don't get me wrong, I mean I still love her, but not the way I used to and I really don't think I ever will. I think I was just so afraid that I would end up without love, that I was holding on to a love that I lost years ago. There really is nothing between us and has not been in quite some time. She is not the person I thought she was, and perhaps never was. So the reasons it is over are unimportant.
I have not felt this optomistic in a long time. I really am going to become the person I always wanted to be. And I must say, it is quite exilerating.
Love to all,
Elizabeth
The road ahead is full of possibilities; take the time to stop and smell the flowers and to look up at the clouds.
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