Crossdressers-Haven.com

I just wanted to say something about all that has been going on. First of all, I’m not one to argue or get in the middle of one so I usually back off. That’s why you haven’t heard any response from me after the last incident with Shannon.

I re-read what I had written and yes, I will admit I was a little harsh and I felt really bad about how I worded things. I am guilty like a lot of others of writing first then thinking later which in turn can end up hurting people which is not my intention.

Yes, there are things I don’t like about Shannon’s crossdressing and I should have the right to express how I feel but I don’t have the right to be mean which I felt that I was in that one post I made so I did go back and reword it. It still gets the point across but not in a mean way…

I agree with what you said Kathy about "most women are not getting pleaure from this". The CDer is definately having all the "fun". They can spend hours fixing themselves up which makes them happy. I have nothing against that but I feel it's his thing not mine.

Since the only time Shannon dresses is to have sex, I would rather be left out of it so at times I can get defensive about it...

Don't get me wrong, I do like to see Shannon dressed, I love buying things for him, picking out things for him to wear, helping with makeup and hair and then cuddling up to watch a movie when he's dressed but when it turns sexual is what I don't really like.

Sharon(SO)

So Shannon I do apologize to you!!! I will try to think things out before I write them down but I do need my freedom to express my feelings as do you. I also apologize to everyone else that may have gotten upset about the whole incident and left!!! I think that is a good lesson for all to follow. It will lessen any hurt feelings in the long run. Like Elizabeth said….”Be Nice”.

I guess that is all I have to say…

Sharon(SO)

The love, warmth, forgiveness and acceptance in this place is freaking me out and I love it!

Beauty

The truth is that we are all in this CDing thing together and love shall conquer all. So happy that you are back posting Sharon. We missed you.

United we stand!

Sharon, could I in all sincerity ask if you missed crossdressers-forum. You helped give birth to this wonderful entity and so I believe you will always be part of it as it will probably be part of you.

Hi all,

I've been hanging out in Beauty's "living room" for the last couple of days, trying to nurse myself back to some semblance of my usual weirdness. So far, I'm back on at least one foot. It's a start.

There's just no leaving this place, dammit! (okay, Beauty, you win... I owe you a million dollars ).

Sharon,

I admire what you just did. I admire you. Same goes for Beauty, Shannon, and the rest of you here who seem to be able to walk over the occasional bed of coals and still come out smiling (albeit with clenched teeth) on the other end. I, on the other hand, haven't been able to do that lately.

I had a nice long talk with Beauty last Sunday morning. It changed a lot of things for me (and, no, it had little or nothing to do with her beautiful voice). She told me she's been waiting to hear from the "real" me. Well, now she has. And I owe it to you all to let you see me as well in all my mundane glory. Sunday's conversation with Beauty and this post from Sharon have touched me very much and made me realize how much my desire to just get away from the forum is, to a large extent, just a desire to get away from myself. This is something that's not possible. Nor do I now wish it were possible. Still, it's not that easy accepting yourself and loving yourself when you don't really know who you are. I thought I knew who I was. Mayhaps I don't. Not really, anyway.

This past month has been plain hellish for me. Oh, it started before that, but the crunch happened only in the last four weeks or so. At first, I thought work was burning me out. Turns out it isn't. I'm busy, but not burn-out busy. Then, I thought it was the forum. The fact that SO's are deserting pained me. But then I realized that, like CD's, SO's come and go. Even the fact that some members were (and are) also going through a hellish time wasn't at the root of my own depression. Ten days ago, I was an inch away from purging, for the first time in years. I also weighed the different ways in which I could take my own life. I'm just so tired, you know? No, something else has to be going on. Something deeper. To me, something far scarier. Scarier because I now feel this incredible push to dig much deeper within myself than I've ever done before. I'll be doing this in the coming months (and, likely, years).

Beauty, you've now seen (and heard) me be both angry and sad. Keep in mind that I also have much joy within me; whenever I manage to turn my inward gaze in the right direction I can see and feel it. You say you've sometimes (or maybe often) wondered what I'm feeling, as opposed to what I'm thinking. This is the strongest, most resistant wall CJ built: I live in my head so as to avoid what lurks in my heart. I've come to accept that I intellectualize and rationalize a lot of my own behaviour. Believe it or not, I'm okay with that. It's who I am. But it's certainly not all of who I am. Like the proverbial "next person," I don't relish parading my own emotional vulnerabilities for all to see. Especially not on a public forum where those who hold me in low esteem will try to lever their way into whatever friable chink they can find. But I'm stronger than that. And I know it, too. I just needed to be reminded of that fact, lately.

In the end, though we are all gender-variant, we all have our own quirks and particularities, our own personalities. Alexandra is a political animal, through and through. Elizabeth is a mesmerizing yet sane whirlwind of emotions. Beauty is the big sister with wisdom to spare (of course, like Socrates, she'll deny she has this wisdom). All of you here, all of you that I've come to know and love, are distinctly recognizable by what you give of yourselves that makes you most who you are. Me, I swim in my own brain. So sue me. I understand that what others see here of who and what we are is not all of who and what we are. We are all so much more. Surely, we can make allowances for that. I look at Sharon's post above (and Shannon's post elsewhere) and I think we can. So there it is. My confession.

I won't necessarily be posting more often. I'm still nursing myself, trying to ease myself back into Life. Yes, I'm still afraid and not a little worried because now, for the first time ever in my life, I'm not entirely sure where my gender variance is wanting to go. But, true to myself, I'll keep an open mind. Now, all I need to do is to try to keep an open heart.

Shannon, Sharon, Beauty... thanks. To the rest of you: ditto.

If I may, I want to single out two people who held my hand while I walked along the edge of the abyss; they let me lean out far enough that I could understand and feel what I needed to while yanking me back once in a while when all I could see was the darkness: Terri, Kyra... my undying thanks to you both.

Love,
CJ

Hi CJ,

First you need to know that I don't hold you in low esteem.

What it has taken for you to come back and write this confession was not an easy task for you. In fact it was probably far from easy.

I admire you for doing it.

It is my hope that you will find the support you need here, that will make it easier for you, as you undertake the task you have set yourself to.

Peace to you, and best wishes for your success.

Love Darlene.

Hi CJ,

I'll take my cool million dollars in pennies please.

What a truly wonderful post. You so rock. What I just read is a person who has no walls, who is not a false representation of herself, is a child of life, who is humble, who is loving, who is growing, who is honest with herself, and who is my friend.

I'm totally slayed by your post. It was one of the most open and honest posts I think I've ever read here. It was inspiring, it was wonderful it was everything you are. You, in my opinion have arrived. I'm so proud of you. You're my hero. I want to be like you.

You are so wonderful CJ. Anyone who doesn't get to know you is totally missing one of the rare treats in life. You're a fantastic spirit and loving soul. I can't imagine you more betta' than you are now, but look out world CJ's here.

I love you!!! You're the best and I want to thank you for not getting upset at me and giving me the benefit of the doubt when I'd say things that you'd instinctually punch me in the arm for. You've opened a door of light in my life and the fresh air and luminous essence of your kind and gentle soul has helped me be even more complete. I'm so happy I met you and I'm so happy you're back! The forum will be better off for it.


Beauty

Sharon, Shannon and CJ and

CJ, My brain isn't functioning too good at the moment as I am poorly with Flu, and I'm not good with expressing myself at the best of times so I just wanted to say 'I hear you' and hope you can feel good vibes coming from over here

Love,
Curly(SO)

CJ,
Thanks for the heartfelt post, I think we better understand where you are coming from. As I said before, when I first started visiting here you were one of my heroines and still are. There are a lot of things I could ask you but at this time I am just content to see what you and my sisters have to say about their own lives and ever once in a while I am able to pick out a real gem that helps me and Virginia deal with the tumult in our lives. I am gald you will be back even if it is on somewhat of a limited basis!
Love,
Virginia
PS: You will have to tell us if anything ever came of your fleeting "romanace" with the lady you saw in the restaurant that time.

CJ,

Hi CJ,

Welcome home! Missy and I were worried about you and are happy that you have "returned to the fold".

Your friends are here, ready to help you in any way we can.

Hugs to you,

Mrs. Missy(SO)

Hi all,

What else can I say? Thank you.

Love,
CJ

CJ and Sharon,

I adore you both. Enough said.

Kay(SO)

Hi CJ,

I'm amazed and humbled that given what you must have been going through just recently, you selflessly still found the strength to reply to my little rant in this section that I posted, but a short time ago. I love and thank you for that.

You have a wise head on your shoulders and I for one have benifited from your wisdom and support.

Charlotte xx