Dear Sinjoy and Jean-P,
Your love and gentle acceptance of each other is beautiful to watch!
I can't tell you, of course, why Jean-P feels the way he does about shopping. I used to feel similarly, however, and I can share why I felt that way, and how it gradually changed.
First of all, when I was a kid growing up, the least little bit of crossdressing always seemed to be a Big Deal. Cartoons could get huge laughs by having some guy's pants fall down, revealing polka-dot boxer shorts. As I got older, that joke got old too, so now to get the laughs, instead of boxers, he had to be wearing a garter belt and stockings. So I was taught to feel that because I might actually enjoy wearing what everyone else thought wildly funny, I must be pathetically sick.
As I became a teenager, I discovered that even the thought of crossdressing could be wildly stimulating. This is of course quite common for teenaged CDs. And there is no one to talk to about this. Adults won't talk and they won't usually tell kids why they won't talk about it. It's just the Big Taboo, which makes the kids think even more that they are unique freaks. So the kids dare not tell other kids--they are sure to be laughed at.
When I grew up and met the woman who would become my wife, I really believed that finding true love and having sex on a regular basis would "cure" my crossdressing urges. This was a great relief, and it was true. Until we'd been married several months. By then, the ink on the paper was quite dry. And there was nothing to do except admit the urges to her. (If I had tried to hide them from her, I would have felt even more ashamed.) I didn't know what she would say, of course. It was a great surprise to me that, after the initial questions, she was amazingly accepting.
At first, that was hard to deal with. I constantly feared that she would turn on me, that her acceptance was just a ruse to get me to embarrass myself enough that she could laugh at me even more! Fortunately, it didn't take long for me to see that her acceptance was genuine. No, it didn't take long--only about ten years or so!
In the context of all this fear, guilt, and shame, shopping was especially difficult. Until I accepted myself, shopping for me was more like shoplifting, with the added challenge of paying for the merchandise! I would literally plan my shopping raids, taking into account when the store would be least busy. I'd dart around the store like a nervous animal. I'd wait until there was a checkstand with no line.
Most crossdressers I think feel similarly. The advise I give most often on line is that shopping is legal. I am constantly asked where are the "friendly" stores, even in a place like Los Angeles!
Shopping for shoes is especially difficult. The big advantage of shopping in a real store is that you can try stuff on. But if a man puts on a woman's shoe in the store, he's admitting to the entire world that he's a crossdresser. And most shoe stores are full of little kids and their moms. All the old guilt, shame, and fear issues come back to bite us!
You've probably noticed that in size 13, most stores carry nothing. And when you do find something, it's likely to be one of the following:
1. Athletic shoes that look just like men's. (Why would we want to buy these--our "guy" athletic shoes look just as good, and fit fine.)
2. The dullest women's shoes around--black loafer/pumps with 1/2 inch heels and rounded square toes. (zzzzzzzzzzzzzz!)
3. The drag queen nightmares--the hot pink thigh high boots made of shiny plastic and perched on 5" stilettoes. (Yeah, right!)
Jean-P and Sinjoy,please be patient with each other. Keep showing each other that your love is real. Nobody's procrastinating. Gradually it will sink in, Sinjoy, that your acceptance is real, and Jean-P will begin to actually believe that crossdressing isn't the crime of the century.
Shopping will only get easier, for both of you.
