Crossdressers-Haven.com

Hi girls.

This seems to be a great forum with great people. I'd like to get some input (advice) about something if that's OK. In the past my wife has always been supportive of my CDing (even going as far as to help put on my makeup). However I haven't dressed for a while. Steffie's things were always kept in our spare room but a month ago my wife had some family come over and stay for a few days in our spare room and she had me move Steffie's things to storage while they stayed. That I could well understand. However after they went back home, when I wanted to move the clothes back, she sort of changes the subject eac h time I ask her. Lately she has been saying she wants to spend time only with me (not Steffie) and that Steffie can come over maybe once a year or so.

Maybe I should be just grateful that she was accepting and helped me with my makeup last year? I don't want to get greedy but deep down I would hope Steffie could come over occasionally. I keep getting afraid that deep down my wife really does not like my CDing but she doesn't want to hurt me by telling me that.

Should I ask her if Steffie can come over more (maybe once a month?) or should I wait a few more months before bring this up again? Then again if I keep all this inside and don't say anything, she may think that I lost interest in being Steffie? However, I don't ever want this to become a problem in our marriage. I love my wife and don't want to hurt her. Not dressing for a while has been tough at times though.

Sorry for the long post but I couldn't think of a way to write it with less words. If you've gotten this far in my thread, thanks for reading, girls.

Steffie

Steffie,

This sounds to me as though the problem here is lack of communication as opposed to pushing it. You have a right to know why she is treating you this way. She needs to be made aware that if she chooses to force you to repress who you are that it will cause problems that will expand into large problems for you and your marriage, if something is not done about this.

Good luck to you,
Darlene.

Steffie, my Sis, Darlene pretty much said it!! Communication. Has your wife read anything about crossdressing? There is certainly a lot of information available on the web, as well as books and she would certainly be welcomed my the SO's here. Most of us who have accepted this "gift" that we have could not go a year without letting our "anima" have some part of our life. You have to begin to ask yourself, just how important is Steffie, in your life??? I am not trying to drive a wedge between you and your wife, but we are all responsible for our own happiness and if Steffie makes you happy, you need to do some real intospection. Marriage is a series of comprimises is it not? Perhaps your wife needs a bit more education on how crossdressing affects you and that (If you truly feel you have the "gift") how much is it worth to you?
Perhaps a night or two a month in a motel where you can allow Steffie to visit?! I do not know if you have ever gone out dressed or if you feel you pass? Late night drives can be a form of release, if you will without seriously disrupting family life. I see it as a chess game - as long as you have a move, the game ain't over!
Good luck and keep us posted,
Virginia

Hi Steffie,
It sounds like your wife has gotten used to not seeing your fem side and likes having her man around all the time. Very understandable.... I am sure she still acepts Steffie but is having a hard time getting back into it again.
The two of you need to sit down and come to some kind of agreement where you can ease back into dressing again. Her asking you to dress once a year is really not fair to you at all and really tells me she does not really understand, even tho she indicates she accepts. Since your clothes were in the spare room before perhaps this weekend just go out and get them out of storage and put them back where they were. If your wife indicates she does not want to see you dressed then use that spare room for dressing also. Make sure your wife understands your need to dress and you need her acceptance in what ever form it comes.

Does your wife belong to any support groups or have anyone she can talk to? If a combined group is not for her, there are lots of wife only groups with lots of very acceptinging SO's. You can PM me if she wants more information.

Honey (SO)

Steffie, I would suggest sitting her down for a frank talk on what your needs are, while letting her know that you understand hers.

And then tell (not ask) her that you're planning on moving Steffie's things back into the spare room. That even though you will try and refrain from dressing for her sake, you will still have the need for your well being and will try and limit it to the spare room or when she is not home.

If she is out, ask her to call home when she's coming back, so you can change if you happen to be dressed.

There are too many problems with trying to keep Steffie's things in storage, in my opinion. Cost, time to go get what you want to wear and drive back home. Time to take the clothes back to storage and drive back home. And worse, the roads are not safe anymore, and mental distractions when driving to get the clothes or put them back could lead to an accident.

Hi all,

Steffie,

I'll side with the "communicators," here. You and your wife need to discuss this issue. It's not so much a matter of "pushing it" as having your needs pushed into the background. Rarely does any good come from this.

Not to rain on your parade, Steffie, but your fear that, deep down, your wife may not like your CD'ing activities is not totally groundless, even though she appears to be fairly tolerant and accepting; there aren't that many SO's who, given the choice, would want this in their mate. I don't know your wife so I can't really say where she stands on this. But my knowing your wife or not isn't the issue here; the issue is you knowing your wife. The best way to do this is to talk with her, to share your feelings with her, and, of course, to invite her to share her feelings with you.

As others here have said, her informing herself on transgender and crossdressing matters may help her understand what this side of you means... to you, to her, and to your marriage. Conversely, your listening to her, in as non-judgmental a way as possible, might help her see that she, not "Steffie," is the focus of your love and your affection.

Communication, consideration, and compromise are key elements in any relationship.

Again, no, I don't think you're "pushing it." Neither is she. It just seems as though the two of you are sitting at opposite ends of the bargaining table, rather than kitty corner.

Good luck, Steffie.

Love,
CJ

Steffie,

I agree whole heartedly with my other sisters her regarding the importance of communication. It is entirely possible that your wife doesn't understand that your crossdressing isn't just something that you WANT to do, but is also something that is a NEED for you to do. If she's never really researched crossdressing my opinion is that you should suggest that she do so (in a nice way of course), and guide her to some places of the net where she can obtain some realistic information about it. Once a year or so is DEFINITELY not enough to satisfy the need that I know you have and if you can convey that to her without it causing a problem it would be a good conversation opener.

There is also the possibility that (as per the title of your post) you have pushed a little to fast or too far for her level of comfort. It is of utmost importance that her MAN is readily available in your marriage. If 'Steffie' is around more than HE is, it can easily cause problems in a big hurry. Since she is (or has been) accepting of your dressing, you should be able to talk about it openly and without it causing a ruckus. If this is true, explain to her what you would like to have in relation to the frequency of Steffie's visits. If your idea and hers are similar then you can probably negotiate on this frequency. If she's gotten 'cold' to the idea of you dressing around her at home, then it might be time to create some boundaries to work with. If this is the case, it helps to consider boundaries NOT as a set of rules or a method by which to control another person, but by being open and honest about what each of you is comfortable with at the present time.

Dixie

Everyone has given you such wonderful words in their posts I want to echo all of the above and add my own thoughts too. Definately be honest with your wife about your fears and what you would like. From an SO perspective, I can say that I do get rather comfy when it's not around for awhile and start living in a little bit of denial that it exists. It's like a breath of fresh air to have it gone for a time and then I have to go through those uncomfortable feelings all over again when it returns, hence the emotional roller coaster some of we SO's go through as a result of our CD'rs CDing.

Anyhoo, perhaps rather than dragging all of Steffie's things back into the picture, ask your wife if it would be alright if you brought some of it. Find out how she is feeling. Tell her that you want and need to talk about it and that you care how she feels about it. Let us know what happens next! Hugs,

Kay(SO)

Hi girls,

Thanks so far for to all of you for all the good sound advice. I do agree that communication is of the utmost importance. I think this weekend I am going to have a heartfelt discussion about some of these issues with my wife and mention some of the things I read in the above e-mails from you girls.

One promising thing though: I did ask her last night if it were OK to bring some of Steffie's stuff back to the spare room and she said yes! This was a great relief to me. I guess progress comes in small spurts. I don't have a whole lot of clothes but they are enough to fill up a small closet. I think I have more shoes than anything else (lots of pretty colors too!).

I don't know about the rest of your girls but for me the desire to crossdress comes and goes in spurts. Maybe I should remind my wife of this on the weekend. I need to remind myself (and her) that dressing is a way of exploring my total self. I guess the goal is to someday become a person with my continuing male attributes but with also a lot of the "tenderness" that I gain when I am Steffie.

Thanks again to all you girls and I'll let you know if there is any more progress.

Steffie

Hi. I wanted to throw in another SO's 2 cents. I agree with those who felt that your wife had gotten used to having her guy around, and wasn't all that wild to see Steffie moving back in. Thought I'd explain something I feel, and that it may be applicable to your wife.

Very few of us actually enjoy our guy's femme side. It's not about approving or supporting ... that implies some sort of moral judgement that is not at issue for most of us. For me, it's just that I don't particularly like *her*. And it is pretty much an emotional whirlwind when I never quite know whether my guy will my guy or when he will be his own girl.

So when she goes away for a while, which she does periodically, I sorta wish she wouldn't come back. Sorry, but its true. And I kind of get used to getting up in the morning to my guy just being my guy. So, when she does reappear, there is always, always, a moment when I just get this deflated feeling inside. Because here it goes again. It always takes me a few days to get used to her being around again.

Does it mean that I disapprove? No. CDs aren't doing anything wrong, so why should I disapprove? Does it mean that I'm not supportive? No. My guy is free to do whatever he wants to and I'll help if he asks. Does it mean that I'll ever, ever, ever *ask* him to stop? Of course not - this is part of who he is, just as much as being whatever I am is part of who I am.

Does it mean that my heart isn't truly in it and I am helping because I love him and he asked? Oh yeah. Is that enough? I guess each guy has to decide for himself. Thankfully, it is enough for my guy and me...

I have to tell you that often it appears that the CDs confuse acceptance with enjoyment. I accept that this is part of who my guy is, that he has the right to do this and I would never, ever try to change it or ask him to change it or any other form of coercion. I also don't think that I'll ever particularly enjoy it. But then again, I don't particularly enjoy fishing and he fishes too....

-g(so)

Hi girls,

Today I finally went to storage and got all of Steffie's things and brought them back to our spare room and my wife was cool with it. More importantly, however, I finally got to dress up! Previous to this (a long time ago! lol), my wife always did my makeup. However, today I was determined to try and put on my makeup myself. I did, and my wife said it looked pretty good. That was nice to hear considering it was my first time. I picked out an outfit to wear: a plaid skirt with some green in it and a green top. I paired this with black pumps and wore beige pantyhose. I also decided to paint my nails a pinkish/red and used an identical color lipstick. Finally I put on some eyeshadow (green) and highlighted this with eyeliner. My wife said everyting matched. While I know I will never be able to pass because of my height/weight, my wife said I still looked pretty. I know most of you gitrls probably can do your own makeup and it is no big deal but this was really the first time I picked my outfit and did my makeup. I'm so happy about this day that I wanted to share this with all you girls!

I'm going to dress tomorrow too I think. I so looked forward to this Steffie-time for so many months. My wife and I talked for a short time and I think we understand each other better. I know some of the things I read in some of your posts rung true and made it easier to talk. Thanks again! Hugs!

Steffie

Steffie

Nice to see it turn out this way for you. Thanks for the update.

Love,
Darlene.

Hi Steffie,

It's excellent what you've done. It takes real love and courage to be honest with your SO.

Please make sure that as much as you take you give. If you dress one day perhaps you should ask your wife what she'd like to do one day. We tend to get in a phase of "me" when our wives accept us, so try not to get snared in that trap if you can.

Again, I think what you've done is amazing and I'm so proud of you for loving and respecting yourself enough you decided to be more open about who you are with your wife.

It sounds like you really color coordinated everything super well.

Beauty

Thank you so much Beauty for the compliment. I agree with you that I need to give as well as take. That's why I surprised my wife this morning by making breakfast and serving her in bed. I dressed again today. It has helped me to relax after a hectic work week. Now I can go back to male mode more content. As I told my wife, once in a while being Steffie helps me to refocus.

Thanks for the compliment on color coordination. I never thought I'd be able to do that (or even do my makeup).! I'm still a neophyte but I'm trying to learn more as I go along.

Thank you for running such a great forum and being so nice. Have a great weekend.

Steffie

Congratulations, young lady! they say marriage is comprimise, but that is such a harsh word, it is communication and I guess we have to be constantly reminded of that! As a side note, Virginia would like to have breakfast in bed!! . Anyway I hope you wife continues to allow Steffie to visit, as you have said it does give us a more relaxing view of things.
Keep us posted, girl!
Love,
Virginia