Crossdressers-Haven.com

I know technically Ed did join but he only posted twice!

When I first joined, we both joined together and I thought that Ed would participate also. I don't know why he doesn't and it makes me sad that he doesn't

One of the reasons that I post so infrequently now is the fact that Ed is not a part of it. I kind of feel disloyal and hold back from talking about him. A factor here is the fact this is a male dominated forum and I feel disloyal getting to know members of the forum. I wouldn't like it if Ed was getting very familair with females online, even in an innocent way like it is on this forum. I do have issues here, obviously...both our previous marriages broke up due to having affairs (not with each other). This is something I'm deeply ashamed of and makes me feel guilty just talking to other men innocently.

I would feel a whole lot more comfortable posting on this forum if we were participating as a couple. I wouldn't feel like I was strikng up friendships with men Ed doesn't know and I wouldn't feel like I was talking about him behind his back.

The other reason I wish Ed would join in is that I feel there is a whole lot more going on with his CDing that he isn't willing to explore. Actually, I don't just feel this, I know this as Ed has said so himself. He said something a few months ago...something like 'I won't go down alleys where I don't know where they are going to lead to me'. This was in a chat about his CDing.

Every now and again Ed drops something into the conversation that leads me to believe there is a whole lot going on his head that he is shutting away and not exploring properly. I really wish he would. Until he does, I don't feel like I know him properly and I really want to. He knows I love him unconditionally and would never put boundaries on his CDing. I've told him enough times! I've even told him it doesn't scare me if things go further than CDing, but that tends to make him defensive...he's says he's won't then I feel bad like I'm implying he's TG'ed, when I'm not. I'm just saying if he were, then I would support that also!

Well, that's a bit of a ramble, I hope you can make sense of it!

Even now, I feel guilty writing this while Ed is up in bed

I have asked him many times over the last few weeks to join in with the forum and he's brushed it off or said 'maybe I will'. I have a look every morning to see if there is a post from him but I'm always disappointed.

There are some great people here who I consider my friends but I hold back because you are not Ed's friends also

Well, I hope this posts helps you to understand and know me better.

Love,
Curly

Hi Curly,

You are really, really an awesome wife and a great friend of mine here. It stinks for me that you don't feel right about getting to know people here because you feel like you would betray Ed, but I totally can understand why you feel that way. What a double edged sword.

The good thing about you coming here even if Ed hasn't yet is it's good that you not go back into the vacuum of a life where you have to live with this stuff alone. That would be a fate worse than purgatory. You have a place to come and talk to ladies who are married to CD'rs. You get to vent, you get to understand your husband more. Give him time to accept things about himself more.

I know when I was in the closet I kind of didn't want to let me wife in. I was so used to it being my secret that I unknowingly associated comfort with the secrecy. Also in there was the fact I wasn't comfy with my wife or anyone seeing me dressed. He'll come around and stuff. What you're doing is really good though and you shouldn't stop, ok? I'm proud as a sunny day is bright of you!!!

I would miss you terribly if you weren't here.

Thank you for posting what was on your mind. That was really cool to read and understand.

Gracie

Thanks Gracie Your post has put a big grin on face!

I shall of course, bully Ed into submission and post here I think one day Ed will open up a bit more. Ed may be more comfortable with it all when my daughter is older and lives away from home. I know Ed gets frustrated at not being able to dress more often, that is something he does mention.

I do try to put myself in his shoes and imagine how hard it must be to talk about. We have come a long way really, from the days when he first told me he had a simple clothing fetish to now, when he dresses, has me put makeup on him and wears a wig in front of me. I just feel it's time to talk about it a bit more.

I really love this place and the support I get from it. I know Ed would too if he gave it a chance. He may surprise us all and post one day!

Thanks for sharing about you and your wife, it really helps

Have a great weekend,

Love,
Curly

Hi Curly,

Question: Do you and Ed ever sit at the computer together? Amber and I used to do this from time to time. (back when she was on the forum)She'd sit and read/type on the forum and I would look over her shoulder. She'd post a reply to something and I would interject my thoughts on the subject. After a few minutes of this, she would say to me "Would you post your own thoughts and not try to change mine!" Of course I would be eager to do so, and often jumped on the other PC.
My point is, that if Ed sees what you are doing, he might gain a little more interest. It's just a thought.

You've expressed your feelings very well on this subject with us, but have you shared this with him? If not, I think you should. If you have, sometimes it doesn't hurt to reemphasize a point.

If all else fails, Duct tape is available at your local hardware store.

Hugs,
Kyra

Yeah, I think I have expressed my feelings to Ed about this but to no avail I'm gonna have to be more forceful....Kyra...I'm off out for the duct tape right now

Ed sees me on the forum all the time. I think because he knows I've been coming on here for so long, he may be feeling an outsider...like I know everyone and he doesn't? That's a possibility.

He's getting dressed right now into something pretty, maybe a good time to bring up the forum again...or get the duct tape out

love,
Curly

Hi all,

No, scratch that. Not all. What I meant was, Hi Curly. No, scratch that, too, dammit! What I really meant was,

Hi Ed!


Okay, Ed, now that I've got your attention. I want you to know a few things--strictly from my own perpsective, but still.

Numero one-o:

Curly is a fine, fine human being; she's a precious, precious treasure. (Why am I repeating, repeating myself? I dunno. Maybe so that I can make sure that you know that we know how lucky you are to have this woman share in your life.) She's shared some of what she's going through, as an SO, with us, right here, on the forum. Although I know she likes us, I also know she loves you. She so much wants to share her stuff with you and part of that stuff is popping in here once in a while to "share a pint" with her friends. Who knows? Maybe you could make friends here, too. As I said to someone here recently, we nibble but we don't bite. Which brings me to

Numero two-o:

Regardless of where you are on the beautiful TG rainbow, you have little idea of how good it feels to find that rather elusive sense of, well, validation, until you've started connecting with people who have some inkling of what you may be going (or may have gone) through. Sharing a little of your self with us is a win-win-win situation. You get a better sense of who you are by verbalizing it, by exploring uncharted terrain in your own soul, through the interactions you have with like-minded (or, rather, with "like-souled") folks; Curly gets to see you more clearly and love you the more for it; finally, we get a "good communicator" as a new member. Bonus!

Numero three-o:

You would never be "beholden" to us; you post as little or as much as you feel comfortable with. There are no rules that say "once a member, you must post every single day." It's entirely up to you. I know Curly would enjoy it if you did post. Hell, she'd be thrilled. And so would we! ("Wood" we! Get it, Ed? Oh, never mind. )

Numero four-o:

Not to put too much pressure here but I know Curly at least well enough to know that she's a warm, witty, and caring person (oh shush, Curly! I'm not talking to you) and that she's very obviously got great taste in friends. But the friend (and you can write that with a capital "F" if you want to) that has always mattered most to her is you, Ed. She wants to share the treasure that you are with us. How cool is that? I say: it's very cool.

Numero five-o:

We've heard (through a party who shall remain nameless but who has funny-looking toes) that things are happening on the homefront that speak of a growing openness and ease about your crossdressing. It would be absolutely fabulous if we could share in your little triumphs. We're good at that, we are.

Numero six-o:

And this one should be obvious... my Italian sucks. Big time.

Seriously, Ed, I hope that we'll some day soon have the privilege of seeing your words, your thoughts, your self, grace the pages of this forum. If you need to "introduce" yourself in a somewhat more low-key approach, please feel absolutely free to send me an e-mail or a PM. I'm good at holding hands and I enjoy it, too (my palms don't even get sweaty ).

Until then, I wish both you and Curly a great measure of wellness.

Love,
CJ

Hi all,

Thanks for all the kind words!

Curly - bless ya! I need say no more other than this: You have my unconditional support within the vessel that is our marriage and our life. and that, for me at least, is for life! This means that you are loved, respected and above all, trusted, unconditionally, as you have me with my CD'ing.
This carries over to the forum, too. I see you on here a lot, Curly, if only to read and not post. That is fine and I am happy with this.
I am happy to post to that extent, if only to reassure you that I am indeed not at all bothered with you coming on here to voice, or vent, or just want to get an opinion or advice on an issue. It's all good baby!!!


To all: What I wrote next was off the cuff, and I dunno really if I'm normally that defensive but that's how this reads to me. I must first post this little disclaimer and say that although quite deep about this, I am normally quite a bit more light hearted about everything. I've just read it back and feel that I have to make this comment before posting! I'm really easy going, honest! Oh, and i WILL post more often, perhaps Curly is right and I'm not quite as solid about it as I like to believe! Anyways, here's my initial reply, un-edited.....

To be honest folks, I do not know what to say, as I am happy with my current lot, or at least up until being asked to post here - which always means i have to don my analytical cap, to understand why I need to- or should, even. Maybe I over analyse.
My point being that I have long known who I am, I just don't like to keeping rehashing the same old reply, cos really, and be honest here everyone, there are no REAL answers and I knew that a L O N G time ago! We all did, didn't we?

Please do not over-analyse this - I just simply mean that I do not see how posting is going to help me. I spent over 30 years being introverted with my cd'ing and I'm not now going to fawn over it, like it's a crossdressers version of an AA meeting!

"Hi, I'm Ed, and I am a crossdresser, a Tranny" - Do I feel better for that? Nah- as I said, I'm happy enough although it may not sound that way, but human nature is human nature and curiously enough, everyone else likes everyone elses business, and public forums are great for that!

My point? is there one? Will the inevitable forthcoming replies and perhaps, analysis too, here, on this forum, lead me to believe that there must or should have been one, to post an answer to my wife's post in the first place? My answer, curtly, is no. I am protecting Curly's wellbeing firstly and foremostly. I love her, it's that simple. I'm posting to assure her that it's ok, that I want her to, that it's no problem when really, my CD'ing has meant that she's here in the first place! *Reality check for me there, huh?*


If I were to tell all here ( and what 'all', I dunno where to start?) would I not be as likely to feel like Curly does now? I mean - disloyal. Surely I would better serve my 'plight' if there is one, by coming out totally and by that, I mean to my familly and friends, first! (I know, you're all friends here too!)
Believe me, the only thing stopping me telling them is the problems I could see arising from doing just that! I have no desire to swan off down the road in public wearing something far more pretty than the drab male garb I am wearing now (should I dress to post, to assume my 'femme' identity? God knows, I may come across better, or sound less 'put-out', LOL) I have no desire to be called anything other than my name and I want only to get 'Girly with Curly', behind closed doors!

If I had to I'd rather spout on about the end-game, with questions that I don't have the answers to, like: Where do all roads lead?(in the CD'ing)
Only when someone (far more eloquent, and believable than I) has found out what it is all about and the CD'ing doctrines are written, and expounded on by the philosophers and soothe-sayers and then accepted by the non CD'ing public at large, will we know, or will we? We all know that'll never happen. If it did, I wouldn't be in a bit of a dilemma now! We would be accepted and CD'ing normalised by those who currently see differently to us, and I honestly don't know if I want that anyway! I like being different! I love sharing it with Curly! I just love being a crossdresser, full stop!

I am not seeking understanding. I know and am only too aware of the prejuditial society we live in (being a builder helps reinforce that feeling). I alone will never change that, and I will never be a crusader for the cause, because simply, why should I? I can't make other people understand, can I? The majority never will and that's their loss, Imho.

I'm just saying that I'm not sure I'm ready to share this before telling those close to me in the friends and family department, because I really want to, it's just what reaction Curly, our daughter and THEN me, will get - do you see? I just want to protect them.....

........SNIP.... Jeez!

Will post again, just need to go and get changed, lol

Ed.

Ed did try log in on his own name but it posted under mine...presumably Ed couldn't post here? I don't know...maybe Ed may be too argumentative for this part of the forum! I did tell you he could talk

Love,
Curly.

Hi Ed,
Glad you decided to join us. ...and so glad you've responded in an honest and heartfelt way. I understand what you're saying, and quite frankly I feel similarly about many issues.
This forum is for support. But it's also about relationships. I've built a few here and those who post here really are my friends. It doesn't matter if I've never met them in person.
You've got a gem there, as I'm sure you're very aware. Take good care of her. Curly and I have never met, nor have I seen any pictures of her, but I can tell you this: She's a sweetheart with emphasis on the HEART part. It's her inner beauty that shines here. (The part of a person that matters most, in my book.)
You know, they say it takes a minute to find a special person.
An hour to appreciate them.
A day to love them.
But then an entire life to forget them.

Hugs to you both. Hope to hear more from you.
Kyra

Well! Curly was right, Ed; you definitely are a good communicator.

If you think your post came across as heavy, think again. Your "unbearable lightness of being" shines through, no doubt about that! And I will agree with every single thing you said, by the way.

People over-analyze this to death.

There are no simple answers.

We are who we are.

We love who we love.

The reasons we do the things we do are lost to deepest time.

Last but certainly not least, every single one of us here is unique and that uniqueness is its own treasure and its own reward.

You know, Ed, if you were to never post again, I'd still be just as happy to know that, because of how you feel and what you've written above, Curly need not feel she's being disloyal in coming here. Maybe she knew that already (I assume you two talk) but now she knows that we know it as well. Wait a minute... did that even make sense? Oh well, I guess you know what I mean.

You're right, of course, about the importance of bringing those people closest to us "in our loop," so to speak. And kudos to you for being open to that possibility. But I suspect that Curly finds some measure of community in some of her friendships here that only adds to her understanding of crossdressing without taking anything away from you. Hmmm... did I just over-analyze that? Maybe.

Anyway, Ed. Curly never talks about you except in glowing terms. Now, I can see a little bit better why that is. I hope to read more from you at some point. And that "some point" can be in a future lifetime--it's all good.

Love,
CJ