feeling insufficient as a woman...

[Love (SO)]

I was wondering if any of the other SO's have ever felt this way?

I have good days (o.k. with the CDing), and bad days (not o.k. with the CDing), so I guess I'm having a bad day today. Don't get me wrong, I understand and believe that everyone needs to be their own person. I wouldn't want my DH to not CD because of me.(I have never asked him not to CD) I believe we all have but one life to live, this is not a dress rehearsal (no pun intended). I wouldn't want my DH to go through his whole life not being able to be his true self. I think everyone should be who they truly are. That's why I'm here....I'm trying to learn and understand....

I seem to be really stuggling with all the different emotions that I'm having. It seems that just as I work on one issue/emotion another seems to creep in.

Sometimes I feel insuffient as a woman and even my femininety feels threatened in a way. Before I new of my Dh's CDing, I would usualy always (depending on the time we had available) dress very sexy for him when we were going to be intimate. I always enjoyed lingerie, high heels (I'm very short ), wearing make-up, and doing my hair, I love being a woman and feeling very feminine. But Now, since the CDing (we have been intamate while my DH was CDed) I feel why should I bother with all of the primping. I also feel sometimes, that I'm not enough woman for him. I sometimes even think...does he even need me, since he can do both roles himself? I do love my DH no matter what he wears, I'm just having emotional trouble with this, I think maybe because I'm now confussed about my own sexuality now, I know that I'm not a lesbian and I don't want to be, I am attracted to men, but what am I now? CONFUSED that's what!
I also sometimes think that maybe my DH should find another woman that is totally o.k. with the CDing, since I'm having such a difficult time emotionally with it. I believe that there is someone for everyone in the world, and I'm now wondering if I'm still the woman he now needs. I would never want to hold him back from doing/being what he needs to, I love him too much to do that. I've just been thinking lately that maybe I'm not the one for him. I just want us both to be happy.

I've read that alot of other SO's are totally o.k. with thier DH's CDing.... and I wonder if I ever will be?
Any thoughts and/or advise will be greately appreciated

Thanks,
Love

[Dixie Darling]

Love,

You are not the first GG that feels that you're insufficient as a woman and you won't be the last. In similar fashion you're also not the first one to be wrong about it either. I read your reply to MY reply to a post you made in another area of this forum and I think that when you have time to look at the web site I directed you to you'll find a lot of answers to many of the questions you have.

But until you find the time to look the material over keep these points in mind:
- Your husband/BF's crossdressing has nothing to do with your own desirability as the woman you are. I can all but guarantee you that he still views you with just as much desire as he ever did - maybe even MORE since you're accepting of his crossdressing.
- No need to feel that your femininity is being threatened. YOU'RE the woman in his eyes and althought I know it's easy for you to feel threatened, I can assure you that you're not.
- You are NOT a lesbian just because you might elect to bring his CDing into the bedroom. I don't recommend doing such, but just because a woman goes to bed with a guy wearing a frilly nightgown it doesn't change a THING about what's underneath it.

Dixie Darling -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[Ridge]

Love(SO)

I am a man, who is a CDer on a moderate level. But maybe I have a unique perspective. As posted before, I have a brain tumor, combined with less than appropriate treatment, that has feminized me. I'm talking a new butt, hips, soft skin and BOOBs. My emotions are running the spectrum just like yours.

In a marriage there are two people and two sets of interests and needs. I feel it is the responsibility of each partner to meet all of the needs of the other, emotional as well as physical. Sometimes these needs are competing: he needs to dress , you are emotionally upset. Should one take precedence over the other? No. There needs to be a compromise for the marriage to work. Now that compromise may mean one partner abandons his/her needs for the benefit of the other.

It is no secret here that Iam a believer the man often places his interests above his SOs. Thus, I am also a believer the man should want to back off his dressing if it caused emotional pain to his SO. I know the CDing often came first, but your SO should be the most important person in your life and you want to make that person happy.

I also know from posts of SOs here that many are trying to cope as you, and that many have reached a comfortable place for themselves. Only you can decide what is comfortable for you. And you have to tell you husband what that is. After this discussion, I hope he relaizes the hurt he is causing and wants to back off his dressing.

Your feelings seem to be not only logical by natural. You want to look pretty for your husband. You are socialized and hard-wired to feel that way. I personally don't see why you should have to bear the full burden of your husband's dressing.

There are other sites that deal with CDing and fetishes. It seems to be more prevalent in the postings there that the husband's personal interests are secondary to the wife's. Sometimes the wife doesn't know. Or sometimes she just doesn't want it done when she is around. But in most of these postings, the man is placing his relationship with his wife ahead of his personal desires.

So I think a long discussion is required with your husband. He needs to know eactly what you feel and why. Then let him decide what to do. Based on his choice, you will then know what to do yourself.

I hope you can find emotional tranquility.

Ridge

[LeftyRainbow(SO)]

Ridge,

That was a beautiful and very true post especially this line,

"Only you can decide what is comfortable for you."

Thank you for that great post.



Love, (SO)

I am at a very comfortable place with my partner but some times are harder than others.

My best advice for you is try to take one day at a time right now.

Lefty

[CJ]

Hi all,

Love,

I won't be stepping far out of line with the others here by saying this, but:

be yourself--this is who your DH loves;
be patient with yourself--confusion passes;
be aware of what you want and need--negotiate your boundaries accordingly;
you obviously love your DH--get what strength you can from that love;
talk with others in your situation--you're not alone;

Chinese proverb: "The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." True enough. But I sense that you're wondering if this is a journey you actually want to take at all. If not this one, then another. Life itself is a journey--and we're all ill-prepared for it. We do the best we can. And so will you. One day at a time.

Love,
CJ

[Curly(SO)]

Love,

I can totally relate to your post, it really struck a chord with me! I have felt my own femininity threatened too, by my husband's CDing. I've always prided myself, as being very feminine...I always wear heels, won't go out without makeup, and rarely wear androgynous clothes. I'm still having trouble getting my head round the idea, that my husband also wants to feel like that, but still finds me attractive too. It's a really hard feeling to explain.

I think the way I've managed to be OK with my hubby'sCDing, is probably to blank these thoughts out, and concentrate on positive stuff. I still need loads of reassurance from my husband that I am what he needs, and luckily, he has been doing a good job in providing that.

As Lefty said, just take one day at a time, there are good days and there are bad days! I also have been there, where I just get over one negative feeling, only to find it is replaced by another, the next day!

Curly(SO).

[Kay(SO)]

Love,
I echo what Curly wrote about being completely in tune with your words. You are definately not alone. I was recently trying to explain to my therapist and then to my husband, those feelings of "threat, insecurity, confusion and even some jealousy." Also, the first time I was "with" my husband while he was dressed I went off the deep end for a few days, completely confused about what it said about ME that I was with a man dressed as a woman. I found it all terribly confusing and had to do alot of work to dig underneath the padded underwear, pantyhose, wig, makeup, breasts and dress, to find HIM. Once I realized it was still HIM I was with, I realized that it didn't say anything about me at all except that I am an open-minded, loving, compassionate woman who loves her man. It is not easy and I will never allow anyone to try to "simplify" it in my life. For me, it's not something I am comfortable with at all, ever. I do what I do for him. I offer him support the best ways that I can. As for the emotions that you're going through; I don't know about other SO's but I've been on a roller coaster ride for 7 years. Sometimes it's okay, other times it's not. But, I hang in there, use my support systems and communicate honestly with him. He doesn't always "get" what I'm talking about and we've been in therapy for our communications skills. I realize now that there are just some things he will never "get" or understand. So I look for understanding elsewhere, with my SO women's groups. You remind me of me, not wanting to be responsible for impeding him. Just keep feeling some kind of compassion for his plight and talk, talk, talk. And take care of you.

Kay(SO)

[Kay(SO)]

I just needed to make one more comment on this post. I have talked to many, many people about these feelings from an SO's perspective and the only ones who made me feel like they truly understood, were other SO's who share the same feelings. I'm a therapist and have my own therapist and when I tried explaining the feelings of threat and jealousy, she just didn't know what I meant. It's not about what it sounds like, therefore it's so difficult to explain. It's not a threat that our husband's will leave us and it's not the kind of jealousy that "sounds" normal when we try to explain it. It's a weird kind of thing. Anyway, for anyone out there who knows what I'm talking about, you are not alone and you are not crazy. It's just all part of the process. Years later, these feelings still come and go at times but not as often. And not as strong. So there is hope...

Kay(SO)

[CJ]

Hi all,

Kay,

Could you elaborate about the feelings of jealousy and being threatened? I want to understand. You say what they're not (or not like) but I can't get a very good sense of what you mean, or what you're trying to describe. Is it a feeling of being threatened about the way you see yourself as a woman rather than about the status of your relationship? Does the jealousy have to do with what you might consider an "invasion" of the territory of womanhood by a man (no matter how much you may otherwise love him)?

I'm not a GG, nor am I an SO, but I need to know. As a man who's felt a lifelong compulsion to pass (or, at the very least, dress) as a member of the opposite sex, I understand that my behaviour alienates many. I don't really give an owl's hoot what the world at large may think of me (well, not anymore, anyway), but I certainly don't want who I am to cause unnecessary pain to those I've come to know and love and share my life and myself with.

So, if you can, explain this a little more to me. And, Kay, please be honest (of course, I already know you as one who doesn't "carry her tongue in her pocket," as we say in French ). Thanks.

Love,
CJ

[Curly(SO)]

I know what Kay means by those weird feelings of jealousy, but rather unhelpfully, I cannot find the words to express why I feel them, I just do!

I have felt jealous when Ed has been looking for female clothes for himself, but I really do not know why, there is no logical explanation that I can come up with. Ed has always encouraged me to buy whatever clothes I want, so it's not as if I'm missing out. I suppose, deep down, I'm thinking 'but those clothes are for me, not you', which sounds rather selfish on my part, but I can't help having those feelings. Still coming to terms with the fact that my hubby wants to wear female clothes, it's just that I really am not used to men wanting to wear them, and the big question 'why'.

Curly(SO).

[CJ]

Hi Curly,

Thanks for the response. Wow, this does seem hard to put into words. I wish I could do a Vulcan mind meld! I guess that, seeing as we're dealing with feelings and emotions here, logical explanations might have little to do with it.

At the very least, your post will shoulder Kay's assertion that she's not alone in feeling these things. God, how I wish I could get a better grip on this, though!

Thanks, Curly.

Love,
CJ

P.S.
I wish you the best of luck in your job hunting!

[Amber(SO)]

Love,
being new to this arena, I can empathize and sympathize. The feelings of jealousy and a sense of intimidation by your DH is your way of dealing with this alteration in genders. I still feel jealous and intimidated by Kyra when she dresses en femme. I look at her and think...Do I look that good? Am I lacking in some area that she has to fulfill by substituting me by dressing up herself?

I have really thought about it and I realize that this has nothing to do with my sexuality, or sexiness. Ask yourself if he still gets excited when you whisper sweet nothings in his ear or when he sees you dressed up for him. Dressing en femme for them may feel sexual, but you are very neccessary in his life, for several reasons.

You need to go to him and ask him point blank why. Men, in general, are very inept at expressing their emotions. They usually feel like they are being mushy or feel uncomfortable at best. Women have a need for their man to let them know how much they love them, want them, and need them. It is up to you to be direct with him enough to let him know this.
We can't expect our DHs to read our minds. We must let them know how we feel and what we need to make us feel attractive.

Love, don't give up. Finding your soulmate doesn't mean they will be perfect. It means hard work and diligence. In the end it means heaven on earth. Think about why you love him and you'll know what to do.

Best of luck, and a few prayers mixed in.
XOXO, Amber

[Beauty]

I love this forum!

Thank you SO's!!!!

Beauty

[Kay(SO)]

My own feelings of jealousy do not lie in whether or not he looks better than me. They lean more towards the "high" that he gets from dressing and knowing that dressing meets a need for him that I will NEVER be able to meet. Hope this makes sense. I know he loves (worships!) me and is way attracted to me but I still get jealous of what "she" provides him with. And I hate that it makes me feel this way. It's been 7 years and I can't seem to get past that part of it. Then I end up feeling resentful toward him. Still working on it.

Kay(SO)

[Virginia]

Well, here goes??!! As a CD'er who came out to his wife about three months age, simply because I refuse to live in fear of "getting caught". (Guess its a male thing) anyway her response to date is simply that she accepts it but does not want to see me "dressed" and I respect that. She has looked through my wardrobe and says I have expensive taste. I guess my major questions to the SO's is this. Do you see any positive changes in your relationship with your husband?? I can only relate what my wife (of 27 years) has said and that is that she has noticed a "kinder gentler = me/" That I seem to have or am learning to have a better understanding of her and where she "is coming from." Ladies (SO) we ain't ever gonna figure you out and I guess it works both ways, but having a, true to his feelings, CDing husband would or does to me appear to be a very strong positive in the realtionship. WE ( can I speak for a lot of us) are trying our best to understand not only where we are but in the prosess we are discovering (more about you than maybe you want us to know???) Just kidding, but we do learn more about what "makes you girls tick," and if we love you that is the key ingredient in making the relationship work and treating you like the queen (no pun intended) that in our eyes you really are!!!! For myself, this journey is magical and beautiful at the same time, Love you all, "Deborah"