Hi all,
Hey there, Georgia, I beg to differ but there
are some men who describe things as being "cute." I'm one of them.
That's a very good "essay" question you ask, there. My (short) answer is that, yes, you
do know how we feel. Every time you're treated differently from someone else merely because of who (and what) you are, you know how we feel. Every time you've come face to face with an inexpressible characteristic or facet of your personality that has had to remain unexpressed in a social context, you know how we feel. Every time you've thought to yourself, "If only I were a (insert desired state here), I could do this or do that," you know how we feel. Every time someone has, in your opinion, judged you wrongly or mistakenly, just because they based that judgment merely on your appearance, you know how we feel.
I know this wasn't what you meant in your question, but I point it out because I believe that you--along with many of the other GG's, here on the forum--know somewhat better than others how we feel because you regularly witness our (sometimes justified) anguish in a way that we cannot witness yours.
To answer your question (as best I can):
In my case, I don't especially like my male parts. But I certainly don't dislike them either. And just this fact already sets me apart from a true transsexual. I dress (and seek to pass) as a woman because I feel there are things I cannot express as a man that I can as a woman (however factitious that woman be). Notice, by the way, that it's not as a biological female that these things can be expressed but, rather, as a human being who's adopted some of the gender roles and expectations traditionally foisted, in our own culture, upon biological females. The "emotional" and "spiritual" part of me is usually "locked up" when I'm being a boy. However much my women friends want to believe that this is my own decision, it isn't. We
still live in a world where being a man (that is, being both a biological male as well as being a person "associated by sex" to masculine gender roles and expectations) often means to be somehow "disconnected" from what brings life (rather than death) into this world. My own spirituality is, in fact, a "feminine" one and has always been such... dark, moist, hidden, receptive, flexible, and caring. Throughout my entire life, I've never seen anyone--neither friends nor family nor schoolmates nor lovers--urge the fostering of these qualities in biological males. But I have these qualities; I feel that this is who I am, and expressing this "through the feminine" seems to me the least complicated (though admittedly not the easiest) way of doing so.
I once chatted with Terri(SO) and she asked me, point-blank, why it is that some men (such as ourselves) feel they need to dress or pass as women in order to express this beautiful side of who they are. After all (she said), women don't need to dress as men to express characteristics we think of as masculine. But, see, that's just not true. If it hadn't been for the pants-wearing Amelia Bloomers or the crossdressing Colettes and Marlene Dietrichs of recent history, I'm not so sure women would feel as comfortable as they do expressing "crossgender" behaviours (regardless of how they're dressed). Another objection to Terri's assertion is that, at this time, in this culture, there's a greater ontic value (that is, a greater worth of being) placed on manhood than there is on womanhood and it's therefore seen as less of a transgression that women would aspire to be "men-like" than that men would aspire to be "women-like." (I'm not making this up, by the way; these are cultural assumptions that inhere in any society rooted in patriarchy.)
Perhaps the increased "popularity" of MtF crossdressing and transgenderism in the last generation or so is a sign that men, in their own quest to be true to what's emotional and spiritual inside them, are finally embarking on their own journey of liberation. Just like women--who weren't seeking liberation from men, as many men think, but liberation from the shackles of gender roles and expectations)--men are on the way to becoming simply human
in reality, not just in their heads; that "kinder, gentler nation" crap that only serves to misdirect attention from destructive and aggressive behaviours is becoming more difficult to make people swallow if and when the actions don't carry the words.
In a sense we TG'd men are, as Virginia often says, on the vanguard of this liberation (it's no coincidence that an increase in "women-like" men goes hand-in-hand with the "Iron John" brand of self-questioning regarding masculinity; they're two facets of the same gem). Unlike Virginia, though, I don't think that it's crossdressing that lets us "embrace the woman within"; in fact, quite the opposite... in my case, I've long ago "embraced the woman within": "she" is the one who makes me crossdress. "She" does this so that others around "her" can also "embrace her" (even though, in reality, this seldom happens... just part of my pain).
I don't know, Georgia, if this makes a whole lot of sense, but I'm not entirely sure how to explain it any better. Therapists can psychoanalyze all they want and talk of imprints and regressive states and fixations; I will never lose sight of the fact that they're just as much a product of this culture as I am and are therefore prone to all its subtle (and not so subtle) conditionings.
In the end, for me, it's pretty simple. Does my being able to express gender differently make me happier than being "locked up" in one mode only? Yes? Then I do so.
Good question, Georgia. Thanks.
Love,
CJ
Were there any times when you were surprised how you were treated as a woman?