Crossdressers-Haven.com

Ok, totally new and need some advice. My h Nair'd his legs, I knew he was thinking about doing this, and really I thought I was fine with it. He did it this morning, and it was kind of funny because I helped him - he didn't know he needed to slough after - anywho, I'm on my way to work today and can't get it out of my head....... Is it bothering me? Yes and No. It's only Hair, but why do I feel so - uh?
Please help. Anybody out there say they won't be bothered and then when it's reality? I can't express the words...........

I can't say that it won't bother me beforehand, and then I can't get it out of my head! This isn't fair...... For either of us.

Kris, it is ok it bothers you. With some things there is a big difference between talking about it and actually doing or seeing it. You and your husband seem to be in a fairly good state of communication within your relationship. Keep this up and let him know how you are taking it and feeling about it. IMHO, most health relationships can get through most anything with good communication and compromise from both sides.

BTW, leg hair removal for me is off limits per my wife. I did shave my legs once about 10 years ago and my wife said that was enough of that, and has reminded me several times in the last few years it is still not an option. And not sure how much/often I would shave my legs anyway. Hey what can I say, I am a guy with dark, well at least over half dark, thick and fast growing hair. Even after shaving the hairs can be seen in the pores. Just shaving my face is large enough of a pain for me..... then add something else??

Hi Kris,

Not to worry. It will grow back - I guarantee it. By then the two of you could come to some sort of agreement. Both of you will have to compromise, and both may come out disatisfied. But such is the nature of a marriage. If there is love and trust between you, all problems can be solved.

Hugs,

Lydia

This is the first time he's opened up to me and I'm trying to back up my words with my actions, but I didn't expect to feel so strangely. Almost mourning....... So confused........
It's been about 6 months that I found out.
PS Lets just say he didn't tell me.....
So he's trying to be honest and I know that my actions/reactions will dictate his truthfullness, but I now I think I wasn't ready?! Or would I ever be?
I just don't know........ I feel like I'm carrying the burden now, sort of - what if someone sees? What if he likes it and wants to do this in Winter time? What if he wants to dress with me in public? Where will I draw the line and could I for fear that he would think, that I would think he's a misfit for feeling this way? This really sucks because I can't even put it into words.....
Thank you for your insight, it sooooo helps........

Oops...

Kris, it has only been 6 months since you have known. Just think how long he has known about this and taken for him to get to this point. It is also ok for what you can accept and take to vary back and forth, up and down. The communication will still keep the overall progress moving forward allowing you to understand what you can take and want for limits and what he needs or wants. The two of you are not going to come to a happy middle ground maybe for some time. And then once you think you are there it will change. We all have what is our altimate goal is, what is the minimum and what may be doable good middle ground through compromise. Even this being a small step for him and you, may become too huge for you at this time. Talk about it with him and look for other options or things for him to do at this point that may be an easier step for you. You two may go through alot of trial and error, but even some things he does and wants to do, he may change his mind and it may not be as importain as he thought.

Hang in there...

KimberlyS - CD

Hi Kris,

In the context of this issue, 6months is not a long time, and as time goes on you’ll find that there will be issues like this leg shaving issue bob up from time to time which you both have to confront. The operative word here is ‘both’, and as time goes by you’ll find that you may get weary from not having the substantive answers you may expect to be there at the flick of your fingers, but I think most couples confronted with these issues would tell you that each had to find their own way which applied to their personal situation, and mostly that can take years.

If you weren’t told about your hubby’s ‘secret’ before you both committed to spend the rest of your lives together, then I’m not sure that there would ever be a time which was better than another for you to be told. If the situation is that you don’t have anyone else to confide in other than him, then you have to rely on each other. I know the discussions can go round and round in circles and there are times when you just wish it would go away, but believe me, this is one issue which will never go away now, so it’s important that your discussions become a two way street, but if there is true love there, and even if it takes years for you to find your comfort zone, then it’ll all be worth the effort.

There will be more times like now when you feel doubts and your reactions will be saying ‘No’, but given time to think and rest etc, you’ll likely be more receptive. It’s a new learning process for you, it’s something which has been foreign to you, but on the other hand it’s something he’s most likely had to live with all his life, and at a guess he’s been longing for someone to share it with.

It’s important for you to both be open with each other and discuss every issue you feel. I understand that this doesn’t always happen and there will be times when you don’t feel up to discussing issues you may have, but it’s something which you both have to confront if you’re to clear the air and move on to finding your comfort zone. It’s a matter of timing and realizing that neither of you will always get it right.

Getting back to the current issue troubling you, could it be that over the years you’ve always known your hubby to have, and you’ve always seen him with hairy legs, so seeing him with smooth legs is very new to you and it also physically symbolizes issues which you wish weren’t present. Could it be that you’re saying to yourself ‘What Next’ and it’s the fear of the unknown which is haunting you. These things can become very sensitive I know, so it’s important for you to make known your feelings so you can both find common ground. It’s also so important that he be open and above board with you and show you by example that his crossdressing is not a threat to you. As I said before, it’s a two way street, and it won’t ever go away, it’s a part of him which goes to make the whole person, and without it he would be someone other than the person you fell in love with.

I wish you well with a difficult situation, I don’t profess to have all the answers, but with the men and women you have here on this forum to confide in, I hope that between us all you’ll be able to find some answers and get the support you may need from time to time. Just give it more time, and remember, open discussion is worth its weight in gold, because if you don’t tell someone how you exactly feel and what you think, then they’re only guessing, and most times that guess is wrong. It’s so important at this stage to make known what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not. It’s common that once we’re given some freedoms, the need for more freedom gathers pace, and it’s that issue which you may have to rein in from time to time so you can have time to think things through and get used to each step. The fear of the unknown can haunt you, but as I always say, out of fear is born courage, they go hand in hand. Have the courage to draw the line where you think it needs to be at any given time to give yourself time and space to think and to make adjustments if need be, don't be rushed into making hasty decisions.

Kind Regards and keep smiling.

Sally.

Hi Kris,

You're not alone in feeling as you do, even the confused aspect.

My wife shaved my legs 31 years ago, before she even knew this about me.

She liked it for a while, but doesn't anymore.

I reckon it may have something to do with feeling like a lesbian, two pairs of smooth legs rubbing against each other.

Be honest with your husband. Let him know you tried, but couldn't come to grips with it.

Same with going out together. Try it and if it doesn't work for you, let him know. My wife's been out with me several times, but couldn't really get comfortable with it, so now I go out alone. I'd rather she be with me, but not if she can't enjoy herself.

I feel like I'm carrying the burden now, sort of - what if someone sees?

It doesn't mean they will put 2 and 2 together. There are lots of non-trans guys who shave their legs, etc. There are lots of women who prefer they do.

It doesn't usually become a problem unless there are trans issues involved, and they see their husband more as a woman than a man. Had no trans issue been involved, they possibly would have enjoyed the smoothness of thier husband's body. Hard to say though.

What if he likes it and wants to do this in Winter time?

Well, winter is the best time, since shorts aren't usually worn, less likely anyone else will see.

Where will I draw the line and could I for fear that he would think, that I would think he's a misfit for feeling this way?

Be open with him. Don't let him imagine things by keeping them inside. Communication is key.

Kris,

I don't have much time this morning and will write more later. But yes, I do know what you mean about feeling like a hypocrite, like you are in mourning (excellent choice of wording, BTW).

The thing that hit me the absolute hardest was that I, too, did not expect to feel anything negative about it. I'm an open-minded woman, secure in my feminity, its just hair and clothes, blah, blah, blah, etc. So I was really surprised to be hit with these feelings.

You are not alone here. Among the most useful things I did was to talk to the CDers here. I read their threads, listened to them talk about how much they love their wives, how much they *need* to do this, etc.

I'll try to write more tonight or tomorrow morning...

-georgia (so)

Thank you all sooo much for your support and insight..... I showed him my post and it opened a very honest discussion about how I/he felt. I am finding this website a TON more useful than our marraige counsellor. Although I would like to see him sign up here, I'm not sure if he would. I hate it when he uses the terms weird, messed up, etc.

I don't want to make him feel defensive and at first (before I showed him this website) he started to and I felt bad because I don't/didn't want him to feel "oh no, I put it out there and look where it got me" I explained my fears "how far will this go?" Particularly the joke someone posted about their being 4 years between CD'ing and TG (<something like that) reading that was like getting a mallet smashed into the side of my head....

THANK YOU!! It is soooo nice to know, I'm not the only one on earth who's been there!

One other thing, as a side note:

My wife and I were in CA earlier this year, and the driver of a trolley to Disney had on shorts, and his legs were shaved. Seems the only person to notice was my wife. Heck I didn't even notice until she pointed his legs out to me. I didn't hear anyone else comment on them.

Kris your feelings are your feelings. Feelings aren't good or bad, wrong or right. They just are. Of course acting on our feelings can be all of those things.

Talking with your SO and finding what works for you will take time and acceptance but you sound like you are on your way and have a good attitude.

As a matter of perspective, I read how you had trouble with your husband shaving his legs. Well I have a long thread now going in a different part of this forum about how I shaved my own beard yesterday and can't deal with it. No issues of societal norms or autonomy to complicate it and I still am devastated. So how much more should we expect you to be affected by something you did not have autonomy over (nor should you, they are after all his legs) and which flouts societal norms and opens other doors to who knows what. My hats off to you for dealing with this as well as you are.

Absaroka

Hi all,

Kris,

You are not being hypocritical, nor should you feel like a hypocrite. What's in our minds (or in our hearts) and what's there, before us, in reality, are often two very different things. Also, we sometimes say or do things we're not really sure we want to say or do, just because we want to avoid whatever thorn in our friendships and relationships. Yet, once faced with a dreaded (or quasi-dreaded) situation, we have a change of heart (or of mind). That doesn't make us selfish or hypocrites; it simply makes us aware of where our limits truly lie.

I've encountered this kind of situation so many times before that, even as an avowedly self-accepting crossdresser, and to my greatest consternation, I still hesitate to fully express my gender variance when I'm standing before an SO who says she's okay with this or that aspect of my crossdressing. Earlier in our relationship, my current SO had told me that she was pretty sure she could learn to accept the fact that I crossdressed yet, the first time she saw me wearing nylons, she simply couldn't handle it. She just burst out crying. I felt like garbage. I truly did. Still, I couldn't reproach her for her reaction--despite what she'd previously said--because I know that, for an SO, knowing that your man CD's and actually seeing him CD are two very different things. Nobody's at fault, here. It's the way the human heart works.

The only solution, I think, is to talk, talk, talk, and listen, listen, listen. Both you and your DH seem to be going that route. It'll work out, I'm sure. Just, please, don't berate yourself for what you feel. What you feel is what you feel is what you feel. Let him know. And encourage him to let you know, also, how he feels (and this is probably harder than you might think). Good luck to the both of you.

Love,
CJ

Hi Kris,
Sometimes there is a big difference between the expectations of how we will feel about something and the reality of how we feel once it is so. And that is completely normal, not something to feel bad about. For what it's worth, my wife found it very pleasing to her once I started shaving my legs, indeed she much prefers the "clean cut" mostly hairless condition I stay in these days, she absolutely dislikes the very hairy appearence and feeling that is the "norm" for many men. And I am very fond of it also as the slippery lingerie feels much better on smooth legs and other body parts and she agrees wholeheartedly. In the end, you will have to decide what you like and/or dislike, sometimes you have to "try on" an idea to really tell if it appeals to you or not, if you dislike it change it back, if you like it continue with it, nothing is really set in stone!
Denise

Do ya'll know what great people you are??? I've been reading your answers to Kris (SO) and the understanding and empathy you have shown is just phenomenal. Three cheers!

-georgia(so)