Crossdressers-Haven.com

Today has been kind of gray, yesterday my DH waxed his private parts.
The difference between knowing it and having a daily reminder is huge, I can not explain what i feel, I try to be supportive, I try to talk, but I don't know what I am looking for.

Before in the SO section I posted something my DH sent me, maybe it can help someone, I feel so moody today it will not help me.

There is a long path to understanding, tolerate it or enjoy his CDing. I am up and running to make it work, just today it feels worthless.

In my next post i will copy what he sent me.

I don't know what to say really. Sorry you are having issues with what he did.

Why he did it he needs to explain, and not by using someone elses words, like Yvonne's. http://www.yvonnesplace.net/

Likewise, you need to tell him how it makes you feel and why.

Some women like the smooth look down there. Some find it makes the guy look like a little boy and as such raises several issues.

Some CDs like to be smooth because there is a different feel, sensation, when wearing panties. And if it's a sexual thing, this can lead to a hightened sense of arousal/pleasure.

Maybe he read where other CDs have shaved or waxed down there and is simply experimenting. If he's never done it before, he may find the result in a few days less than desirable, what with rough stubble rubbing him the wrong way or ingrown hairs leading to sores/rash.

I know some of women have this apparent fascination with body hair and a macho look, but some CDs don't want a macho look. Plus body hair can be uncomfortably warm.

I shave under the arms and the upper part of my chest because it looks better when wearing something like a camisole. And no, my wife doesn't like it. I try to explain how a hairy chest showing through a V neck gown is simply hideous looking and draws unwanted attention when out and about.

I had no problem with the hair when I was not going out, but since I now go out, the chest hair just can't go out with me.

Of course, the chest being visable provides a reason for shaving or waxing that is a lot different when compared to waxing down there.

Hi GinGin, once again my hat off to Donna for her good response. You wrote:

GinGin(SO) wrote:Today has been kind of gray, yesterday my DH waxed his private parts.

My first reaction to this is I do hope your DH talked to you about this first. I know many times I have not and had to do the ask forgiveness later, but I am getting better at letting my wife know ahead of time what I would like to do, and then have time to discuss it with her.

But even if this is not the case. Communication, Communication, Communication is always very VERY important in a relationship, IMHO. Talk to your DH and let him know how you feel. Just because he has tried something does not mean he wants to keep doing it. He also may not get enough out of it do justify your discomfort. Or he may find it is a lot to do to keep it up clean and smooth and may only want to do it once in a while or not at all. But only he knows and only the two of you can talk about it and see what works for the both of you.

Interestingly, communicating how we feel and what we want and want we need can be such a win win situation at times. An example might be, that there are 5 things a CD wants to do and 1 he really wants to do. As the CDer goes through the 5 things, some the wife does not like at all, and some she is ok with or ok on a limited basis. With out communication the CDer will not know what his wifes feelings are on these five things and because of the negativity he thinks the 1 think that he really would like to do it way out and does not bring it up or try it. But with communication both ways between the CDer and his wife, they may find out one of the first five is ok with both, 2 are ok but limited, 2 are not acceptable or enjoyed, and the six thing that he thought would never happen they both enjoy.

The communication, while it often may not be easy, is a key to a good relationship both in everyday and current activities, and trying out new things or ways of doing things to spice up the relationship and give it new energy.

Lack of communication in this world sure keeps the Lawyers well feed.

KimberlyS-CD

Hi Gin Gin:
First I really don't know what to tell you, all I can say is how my wife feels about it. First she prefers me to had a clean shaved body, once I did shave down below and she was very unset and told me never to do that again because she wanted hair there. So all I can tell you it is something you will have to talk about with your DH.

Gin Gin

I hate the "well we did talk about it and I thought you were okay about it " bit. what he means that it may have benn discussed in the abstract as in something discussed that either of us had seen on a forum. He did this with tuckin ---- we read it on a thread on one of the forums and sat just chatting about it ---------- his words "sounds painful" mine "well if you want me to help" (especially if he had pi**ed me orf at the time) he then said " I don't think i want to do that" next thing I know he stars this thread to find out how to go about it ------- was I pi**ed yup but not as much as when I discoverd that he had actually startrd doing it, now logically I understand why he wants to do it ,but it isway out of my comfort zone at the moment, and I am having a real hard time accepting this, in fact it is causing us some real problems at the moment. I feel that he will just go ahead and do what he wants regardless of how I feel and at the moment my attitude is do whatever you like cos how I feel dosen't seem to matter ------ not a good attitude to have and while my acceptance has not lessened my enjoyment and my involvement in it has.

Jess

Jess -

It sounds like you and the DH need to have a sit-down, heart-to-heart talk SOON before the situation gets worse. Yes, it does 'seem to matter' because you are obviously unhappy (justifiably so, IMHO) and he needs to take your feelings into consideration, also.

Everyone needs to remember that compromise is a two-way street. Both sides need to give and take. When one person is doing all the giving and the other is doing all the taking, well, that gets old real quick, and as time goes by the hurt and frustration just keep building, until you reach a breaking point and eruption occurs.

Keep the lines of communication open, remember to listen as well as to state your side, but both of you need to reach an agreeable compromise, and the sooner the better.



- SL

Gin Gin,

I have stated it many times before, but I just don't agree that a SO has the right to tell the cder what she should be wearing, what posture to carry, or what to shave. I don't understand this whole idea that anyone has the right to interject themselves to negotiate personal things about another person.

It is an unfair negotiation. The SO stands to lose nothing, it is not thier behavior that is the topic of the negotiation. I beleive that the SO is in a superior position because if they leave, society will be on thier side. It could cause the cder her marriage, her job, her finanacial resources, and access to her kids.

What needs to happen is to get rid of all this baby steps nonsense, get to what the actual desires and behaviors are. Then decide if they can be tolerated or not, and under what conditions. The rest of this is nothing more than a power struggle about who is going to have the upper hand.

The SO may think she has won her way by making demands when she is holding the cards, however many are later surprised and upset to find out that secret behavior had continued with the banned behavior. Or worse resentments build that manifest themselves as depression and anger.

No one has the right to tell another human being how they should act or what is normal. No one can help how they feel. The real decision is can one reach tolerance and still have thier needs met.

Love always,
Elizabeth

Elizabeth,
but you already tell us what we can and can't do in relation to your YOUR desire to dress.Who is it who answeres the door if DH is dressed and nobody else knows, many of us actually shop for our DH bacause they are to scared to do it of themselves.

Strangely enough we stand as much to be ridiculed as you the cdr do if it comes out to others.

The SO stands to lose nothing, it is not thier behavior that is the topic of the negotiation. I beleive that the SO is in a superior position because if they leave, society will be on thier side. It could cause the cder her marriage, her job, her finanacial resources, and access to her kids.

And sorry but we do stand to lose as much as any cdr who is in the closet and is discovered, I will be hit by the same darn sniggers over this as he will, my kid will be laughed at for having a dad who dared to be different, Finacially we could struggle as much as any CDR, as we make decision about our future based on joint incomes and if one suddenly isn't there it affects all around.
The baby steps may be nonsense to you but without them I don't know if I would be here today(or many SOs) ( I probably would but who knows). Do you have any bl**dy idea how helpless I have felt in all of this, how bl*dy confused , How hurt, and afraid

I have never ever made demands on his dressing, I have walked along this road with him in the past 4 months, stumbled once or twice but at least we are doing it together. Like I have said before he is an adult, capable of making adult decisions in an adult like way (which by the way also includes taking your partners feelings into account ) and I have no right to demand that he do this or that with his body, but on the other hand I also have those same rights, if I went out ommorow and had breast reduction surgery without discussing it with him first and hearing how he felt about, I would expect him to be totally pissed off at me and rightly so. This world we share should be based on mutual thats mutual respect love and understanding

When we entered into our relationship the one big thing he ABSOLUTELY KNEW I COULD NOT/WOULD NOT TOLERATE WAS LIES yet he did for over 2 1/2 years and here I still am 4 months later hanging in there through the good and the bad.

The SO may think she has won her way by making demands when she is holding the cards, however many are later surprised and upset to find out that secret behavior had continued with the banned behavior. Or worse resentments build that manifest themselves as depression and anger.

and you don't think we feel depression,and anger as well as confusion and hurt when we first find out. Like I have said before you the CDR have had years to come to some sort of terms with who you are, yes you have struggled and it has been hard I do accept that but at least you have not just been hit by a runaway bulldozer at 100mph and told to stand up and get on with it. Some of hit by this stagger around for a long time trying to get a grip and we don't all just walk away, some of us remember that we care enough for the man and the relationship we had/have to try at least work our way out of this hole we suddenly find ourselves in.

I am sorry if i have come across harsh in this post I honestly do believe that we do have some rights

Jess

Hi Jess,
I certainly can understand what you are going through right now, it sounds like the two of you need to sit down and have an open and honest discussion about this part of your relationship. I did not tell my wife immediately before or after we got married a few years ago due to reactions and ridicule I had experienced over the years in other relationships. Once I revealed my crossdressing to her we were able to discuss it in quite a bit of detail and she set limits of what was and was not acceptable to her, as time has gone on her limits have relaxed quite a bit to the point that she now makes suggestions about what I wear in public that sometimes push the limits of what most of society is willing to accept and tolerate today. She now really likes the lack of body hair as she finds the "hairy ape" look to not suit her taste. The key to our sucess in dealing with my crossdressing has been our honest and open communication and the result has been a relationship that is way beyond any hopes and expectations that I had. When she is out shopping without me (which is rare these days) she often finds outfits that she thinks will look good or cute for me. I feel blessed to have found her and to be able to have such a loving, honest marriage. I hope things will turn around for you soon as you work these these areas of contention.
Denise

Denise

We have had a month of "what the heck" and the strange thing is it really came and side swiped us out of nowhere really ------- yup the tuckin was the start of it and it just snow balled from there without either of us realising ----- now crazy as this may sound, I really do mean it when I say, I believe that I have no right to dictate what he does with his body but I do balance that view with my need to know on what he plans to do, for my mental comfort.

We have had a better week this week than we have had for a month, and a lot of it has to do with a TG I was chatting to last Sunday over in Aussieland, as we were discussung things she asked how things were with us as obviously she knew we were not right good.I asked her (and have asked the same question on forums before)
Q
"how do you look for us to respond to you when you are dressed?"
A
"just as you"
response from me was "but I do", then realised that in actual fact I hadn't been, and it shook me. I had been so concentrating on ensuring Claire was made welcome that in actual fact Iwas not being me ----- now by that I don't mean I am not normally a welcoming person, but rather I felt that when DH was presenting as Claire that I had to be there to keep her company just in case he took it that I didn't want her there (and I didn't realise it but i was feeling strangled by the need to just sit and watch tv as it is something I rarely do), so this week when we talked I said when Claire is here I don't want to feel I have to sit and entertain her, that I can go about my normal activities e.g go for a bath, early night, go pop out to my mates knowing that you will not take it the wrong way and lo and behold he is fine with that.

Last night when Claire came she cooked (and she does it as well as her male counter part ), while I played golf on the internet (and she is as grumpy as he is in the kitchen if you get in her way) I think that she needs the normality of doing things rather than just being there but as this is not normal for us at the moment (but we are now working on the normality bit thanks to Cathii)--- as we are both new to this knowing and being bit (I have only known 4 months--- and he has only had anybody know for 4 months (even though he has been cding for over 20 years))


Sometimes we fear communicating because we don't want to hurt each other and in the end we just make a pigs ear of it all.

The response from others may very well have said the same thing in a slighly different way when I asked the question before - or they may even have said the same thing, but maybe this time I was listening for the Answer or it may be that this time I really heard it, whatever the reason it has got us moving forward once more..

Jess

Hi Jess,
It sounds like things are moving in a positive direction for you! Just as any relationship has it's ups and downs, so too there will be ups and downs in a CD relationship. My wife and I find that the sooner we discuss any issue that pops up the easier it is to resolve and the less chance of anyone's feelings being hurt. And just as my wife makes accomodations and acceptance for some things for my benefit, I do likewise for her benefit, it is a two way street and both partners have to contribute to making the relationship work. If I had applied these principals in my first marriage and several subsequent relationships, I may have found a good, workable relationship much earlier in life, but then I would not have met my current wife and would not have had the opportunity to experience the most fufilling, loving relationship of my life which is my current marriage. I hope that you are able to continue moving in a positive direction and that you will continue to be you when Claire is around.
Denise

communication is not always easy so we suffer the effects of that

Jess

Wow!!
One week ago i posted. Today i see the topic has had an interesting development, my relationship has changed as well.

I have to say after reading Jess post, that when there is a SO in the relationship all decisions involve two persons.

As I told you I was upset with my DH because of his waxing, I felt very bad and as I told him I don't know why. We have been trying to have a baby and that same day my period started. I had many emotions inside and looking at him waxed made it worse.

I have to say he is the most wonderful person, he hold my hand and helped me through. Even though we enjoy our naked days, he has been using shorts not to upset me until his hair grows. In the other hand I have been trying to get over it! and to enjoy him like that.

Yesterday when I came home i saw the drawer where he keeps his girl outfits was empty. I know he did that for us, the funny thing is that instead of being happy i feel bad. I know CDing does not go away and maybe his decision is too much.
Even though a part of me is happy i have decided to tell him that maybe he went to far and that even though i don't enjoy his cding he has always had my support and that i don't expect such a big change.


Gin Gin

GinGin Wow!! is the correct word to use. Both of you have the compromise part of a relationship down. And it is so wonderful that you are there to support your husband with his CDing. Keep talking about this and all things in your relationship and I believe the two of you will have a wonderful relationship.

Keep us up to date if you would. The good stories and happy things are even better and give the rest of us hope in what we are going through.

KimberlyS - CD