I broke up with him

[JenniferMu.(GG)]

I just wanted to let the people know who gave me advice about my b/f and what you called emotional blackmail being used by him that I gave it heaps of thinking, and I had a long chat with him about it all and tried to make him see that his jealousy was driving us apart because violence of any kind just makes me go to pieces, even what I call emotional violence, and I was getting sick of his jealous bursts where if another guy looked at me let alone dared to have a conversation with me then my b/f used to seethe underneath and we’d end up having a row and I can’t live like that.

So before Xmas I decided to break with him and probably the worst thing I ever did was tell him in my place because I couldn’t get him out afterwards, and he kept going from crying to losing his temper and he even put his foot through my glass cabinet where I keep all the old crockery Gran gave me which she had collected all her life. Luckily he only broke the glass cabinet and no crockery because it could never be replaced. Anyhow he begged me not to end it and he kept going from pleading then crying and threatening to kill himself and then he’d go round the flat hitting and kicking things and I kept asking him to just please leave and it wasn’t until my neighbours knocked on the door to see what all the noise and yelling was about that he left and I’ve never been so glad to see anybody in my life when they knocked on the door. He’s been back a few times in the street late at night doing burn outs in his car and racing up and down the street but hopefully he’ll get tired of his antics and leave me alone.

I suppose I should have been more thoughtful and at least let it go till after Xmas, but he had asked me to have Xmas dinner with him and his family but I just couldn’t sit there having a good time with them knowing I was going to break their son’s heart shortly. I know I’ve broken his heart and it broke mine too because we had a lot of good times together and he had lots of good things going for him, but he was really getting more possessive each week and trying to run my life and we were only in a relationship and nothing permanent as far as I was concerned, so I thought he had no right to run my life how it suited him, but he kept making me feel guilty so I always gave in and went his way and later I felt bad inside myself for doing it. It was turning me into something I’m really not because I found myself telling him lies to get out of things and that isn’t me. It’s not that I’ve never told a lie but I prefer to be honest rather than tell lies then I don’t feel bad about myself.

Anyway Dad had asked me to go home and have Xmas with him and Mum also asked me to go have it with her and Gayle, but this Xmas was the first one we wouldn’t be round the table together as a family in 20 years and I just wasn’t up to it so I decided to spend it by myself. I’d had this long talk before Xmas with Dad about his dressing up and I sort of upset him and didn’t feel like going through it all again with him the way I felt. He trys to tell me that he only dresses up because its just the clothes and nothing more but I told him that I couldn’t believe him because if it was only wearing the clothes what he wanted then why all the rest of the stuff like the make-up and the wig and all the female gestures and spending all that money on trying to look more like a woman. He just won’t admit that there’s more to it than just a dress and I told him if there was then that was ok with me whatever it meant, but he won’t admit it and I know my Dad well enough to know he’s lying to me.

Anyway, I spent Xmas day lunch time sitting on a beach way down the coast in a little fishing town called Lakes Entrance. I’d never been there before and I drove 4 hours down there Xmas morning and walked along the beach for ages, it just went on and on as far as the eye could see. I ate my Xmas dinner (curried egg sandwiches I made and took with me because Xmas day most everything is shut at lunch time) sitting on the beach and watching the waves come in and I just couldn’t get my head around it how it had all come to this. I’ve never cried so hard in all my life and I must have sounded like some old cow calling out but I think it was what I needed to do, but all the thinking I was doing about all the times we sat around the table at Xmas as a family and how happy we were just got to me and what really stabbed me in the heart was when the thought came to me that we’d now become like one of those families that only ever get together at weddings and funerals,

I suppose I was looking for someone to blame and dad is always the easy target to blame his dressing in womens clothes as the reason for all the crap with my family, but before Gran died last year she told me that when something like that happens it’s never just one reason and most times someone is looking for an excuse to do something and her daughter (Mum) was probably using Dad as an excuse to leave and go start a new life for herself,and Gran said that Mum was always a spoilt girl and a bit selfish and I should never put all the blame on Dad because he was probably doing something he couldn’;t help doing but Mum did something which she really didn’t have to, so I don’t know, I just hope I don’t have Mums selfish streak and I hope it didn’t come out in me when I broke with my b/f because I know he really loved me and I miss him so much but then in the frame of mind I’ve been inI have to sort out if I’m feeling the way I am because of being away from my family at this time of year and was using him. It sucks being on your own but then it’s not being selfish to want to be your own person is it? I don’t have any dependants so I can’t see I’m being selfish but then other people see things we don’t, don’t they.

Jenny.

[Terri(SO)]

Jenny,
I'm sorry your Christmas was so rough. It seems this is the time of year, I know of several who have broken up in the last few weeks.

But now is the time to take a good, deep cleansing breath and look to the future. Carrying all that was very difficult and now your load is lightened.

Don't rush into another relationship. Spend some time with yourself to figure out what you want and what you need. It's YOUR time now.

[SilverLady(SO)]

Hi, Jenny -

I've been loosely following your story, but more specifically I have been paying close attention to the situation with your now-former boyfriend.

IMHO, you have made the correct decision to breakup with the b/f - he has many similar characteristics of my now ex-h. I see in the b/f everything that my xh is, and that is called Passive-Aggressive behavior. It took me a long time to see that I was being controlled and dominated, because it was a slow process. Things that were happening were easily excused over the years, but upon looking back at it all - a 17 yr relationship - well, everything was now 'crystal-clear' and I did not like what was happening to me, nor the person I became. I was no longer true to myself, and that's why I was so unhappy and angry at the world in general.

Now, however, I am with my soul mates Virginia and B, the loves of my life, and my life is GREAT!! I am happy on a daily basis, no stress in my life, and I am loved and accepted for who I am, and not being molded into something/someone other than who I *want* to be!!

Take one day at a time, Jenny, and soon enough you'll be at that happy place within yourself. When that time comes - you'll know it! - then you'll be ready for another relationship.

Like Terri(SO) said - - "It's YOUR time now." Truer words have never been spoken!!



- SL

[Jess(SO)]

Jennifer,

So sorry for your pain hun but in the long run I feel you have done the right thing.

Take this time to get to know yourself, enjoy being you, don't worry too much about the other adults in your life they will cope

Take one day at a time, Jenny, and soon enough you'll be at that happy place within yourself. When that time comes - you'll know it! - then you'll be ready for another relationship.

Like Terri(SO) said - - "It's YOUR time now." Truer words have never been spoken!!SL

remember we are here whenever you need a hug or friendly ear

Jess

[DonnaT]

Hi Jennifer,

Sorry you've been through so much painfull stuff recently. I don't recall you mentioning your Gran's death before, sorry to hear it, and my deepest sympathies.

You did the right thing by breaking it off with your BF before Xmas, IMO. A bit scary reading about his reaction.

At least it was only "things" he hit, but such smashing of things has been known to precede hitting someone sometime in the future.

Hopefully the anger he's feeling gets worn out as quickly as his tires sound like they are being worn out.

. . . I know my Dad well enough to know he’s lying to me

I don't know that he's lying to you on purpose. He's probably lying to himself, and may believe what he's saying.

Hugs.

[Absaroka]

Jennifer I am sorry your Christmass was so painful. It sounds like you are doing the right things however.

I think your grandmother was pretty wise when she said that it is important not to let one person be the scapegoat for the whole mess in your family.

Your boyfriends reaction tells me you probably did the best thing. THere is nothing wrong with a guy crying but all the other stuff is a sign of probably far worse to come in the future had you stayed together.

I've had women I loved very deeply break up with me and felt devasted by it. I did want to talk about it and understand what was going on and let them know that I did not feel the same way. I tried very hard to let them know I would respect their decision even though I didn't like it, and with all my might tried to show that they could feel safe talking about this. I guess I did a good job since in two cases we remained friends for a very long time ( I introduced on of them to her future husband), and in the third case she changed her mind and married me.

I did not stomp around their home breaking things, begging and threatening and talking about suicide. I did not go out of my way to harrass and annoy them afterwards. These are all controlling manipulative and abusive things. He needs help and where ever it comes from it will not be from you because that is not what he needs.

If he escalates his behavior to you now, call the police and have his juvenile, disturbed, sorry butt arrested.

Hope things improve.

Absaroka

[KimberlyS]

Jennifer, I am glad to hear from you again but sorry for the situation for your posting. Like others have said, based on the reaction of your BF breaking things and not wanting to leave, I would say you made a good choice.

I watched a similar relationship breakup in my neighborhood. He was very possessive, controlling and vocal. I even went over once and took her out of his vehicle and told him to leave. He skirted his court restraining order for a couple of months always driving by the house, honking his horn and speeding through the alley all times of the day.

We are here if you need some one.

KimberlyS-CD

[Georgia(SO)]

Jennifer,

I too am concerned about your former b/f's reaction. By now, things should have calmed down. If he continues to press you, please consider talking to someone who is familiar with domestic abuse laws in your area.

My first husband was abusive - very often, the abuse is not in the form of hitting you during the relationship and so we don't quite recognize that this danger is there. But when the relationship is ended, the abusive partner looses their cool and things can escalate quite rapidly.

I am not clear as to whether you are an adult or a teenager. If you are still under age, please go to an adult for help - a parent, a school counselor, a clergy person. Tell them what happened so they can help you prepare if this guy comes back around.

If you are an adult, please find a domestic abuse support group. Any clergy person can help you find one locally, and they are quite often listed in the phone book. The police also are generally aware of these types of support groups.

If you do not know any clergy personally, then look in the phone book, find the biggest church or temple or mosque that you can and call them. Larger organizations are generally more in touch with local resources and you don't have to be a member of their congregation to ask for info.

Please do not feel guilty about having hurt his feelings, nor feel that it was your fault that he acted this way. Every person has a right to end a relationship that is not working for them. No one has the right to break your things, to refuse to leave when you ask them too, or to make you feel threatened - either emotionally or physically. Frankly, it made no difference if you broke up with him before Christmas or afterwards - this guy was not going to take it well.

Secondly, I hear something in your final paragraph about your mom being selfish and you worrying that you were being selfish when you broke up with you b/f. I don't know precisely the situation is, but it is not selfish to break off a relationship that is not working. We all try to be as kind as possible in doing so, but it is my opinion that faking love in order to avoid conflict is much, much worse than ending the affair.

Things should look better for you this year... good thoughts coming your way.

-georgia (so)

[JenniferMu.(GG)]

Hi Terri,

I take your advice in not rushing into another relationship, but I just wish I’d never got into this one and I’m having trouble getting out of this one. I’m nearly at my wits end and I’m having a sickie today. I went to the Police yesterday and they said I can take out an intervention order against him and that would tell him not to come within a 100 metres of me, but the lady detective also said that it really doesn’t stop anybody if they really want to get to you and the Police can’t be watching every minute of the day.

When I knocked off from the restaurant last Friday night after midnight he was waiting for me out the back where I park my car and things got pretty ugly, and even though I was terrified inside I remembered what Gran said to me a few times during our heart to heart chats, and she said that sometimes in life we get ourselves into situations with men and there’s not much we can do to stop them taking what they want from us, but we should never let them take our dignity, we can always stop them taking that she used to say so I suppose I got back in his face a bit, and it made things worse when I told him he was acting more like a 6 year old than a 26 year old and I thought then I was really going to cop it so I thought if I am then I’m not going to let him see that I’m terrified of him.

He’d been drinking which was unusual for him, that’s one reason why I was attracted to him in the first place, he didn’t drink much at all. He was very nice at first and was trying to hold me and kiss me but the smell of stale beer just turned my stomach. He stood against the door of my car and wouldn’t let me get in and that’s when the warning flag started to go up. He really at first wanted me to go with him and talk things over and I suppose if I had’ve it might have been better, but I told him I was out on my feet after working all day at the store and then 7 hours through the night in the restaurant and we should do it another time, but as usual he mentally over powered me and that’s when I usually give into his wishes but this time I caught myself in time and told him it was over and it’s no good trying to go back there, but when I say that he goes ballistic, so I don’t know, it’s something I’ve never had to handle before and I’m probably doing a bad job of it. He ended up thumping my car, it aint much I know but it’s all mine and I got riled up at him doing that. He called me dreadful names which most I forget and wouldn’t repeat the others.

He rang me last night and said he was sorry but it was just driving him crazy as he loved him and was going crazy without me. When he cries and gets so sad it makes me want give him another chance because he told me that he’ll change himself and not be so possessive and jealous and stop suffocating me, but I don’t know I’m all up in the air and I’m scared of him now since I’ve seen that side of him, but there’s not much I can do if he does want to hurt me he’s just too big he’s 90kgs and I’m only 60 so I don’t stand a chance and violence makes me sick.

It’s got so I’m jumping at shadows now and have that feeling that someone is behind me or watching me all the time so maybe it’s some sort of punishment for being cruel to him for ruining his Christmas. In his rage Friday night he told me I was a cold hearted bitch and nothing more than a slut for playing with his emotions and I knew it was useless saying anything back I just stared at him so the filth just kept coming from his mouth and I was sort of stunned because I thought I knew him really well, but as Mum said with Dad, you can be with them for a year or a lifetime and never get to know them really. I was lucky I think that in the end my boss came out to see what all the shouting was about and he cooled things down, he has great people skills and also he’s some sort of expert in some Asian unarmed combat thing so I felt a lot safer then. He got me into my car and sent me off and said he’d have a chat with him and make sure he got home alright so I felt lots better after that.
Where it goes from here is anyone’s guess I suppose, anyway what will be will be I suppose there’s not much I can do, I’m just glad I never told him about Dad and Iw as close to a few times when I felt I really needed someone to talk things about with, but at least I wasn’t that silly because he would have thrown that at me and probably told everyone we knew too.

Hi Donna,

I thought I mentioned last year that Gran had died, she battled severe type one diabetes all her life and the last two years she was not really doing well and she never told any of us until right at the end that she’d got cancer of the pancreas and there was nothing anyone could do. I miss her so much and as stupid as it sounds I still talk to her most days and try to draw as much as I can on the mountains of great stuff she told me over the years, especially the last 3, but now I wish I’d taped it all or written it down, she knew most things about most things and had a special way of getting through to you making her point very quietly, she was the sort of person who people sat up and listened to whenever she spoke, not that she said a lot, but what she did say was all good stuff And she was real cool too, she could still do a great jive even at her age. I feel so awful and guilty at times now because on Xmas day when I was sitting on that beach by myself and having my spasm I told Gran that she was cruel to go and leave me and that sort of stuff but how silly was that, yes I know I need to grow up, but sometimes I think she can hear me or maybe I’m grabbing at ghosts and wishing for things which can’t be to fill the spaces in my life.

And to all of you, (Silverlady, Jess , Absoroka, that’s an interesting name, I saw an old movie recently where the town was named Absoroka, Kimberly ) who have taken the time to try and help me you’ll never know how good it feels to know there are people who care a little bit about a nobody, even if you are all the other side of the world it’s wonderful to know.

And Georgia, I turned 20 a few months ago and I’m trying, I really am trying to be grown up with this stuff but I’m not sure I’m doing such a good job of it but I’m learning.
As for you reading in about Mum being selfish, well I guess Mum being an only child she was always spoilt in lotsa ways, well that’s what Gran always said, seeing that Mums Dad got killed in Vietnam when she was just a girl so Gran threw all her love and self into Mum. When Gran died well she died a wealthy woman from al her success in businesses over the years and she left 10% of her assets to Mum and 10% to others and 80% to me and this has got right upMums nose. In one of our ‘discussions’ she said that her being the only child and nearest relative she should get the bulk of her mothers estate, but Gran wrote a letter of instruction that Mum had more than enough to see her through life so she left most of her money and properties to me in a trust which I get 50% when I’m 25 and the other 50% when I’m 30. Gran left a letter with her solicitor for me saying her reason for this was that by the time I’m 25 I should have enough experience and sense to put it all to making a good business for myself, but if I stuffed up then getting the rest 5 years on then I should have learnt from any previous mistakes or stuff ups. I got so sick of Mum going at me I told her she could have it all as far as I was concerned because having my Mum was more important to me than money, but the solicitor said it’s all tied up tight in the trust and nobody can touch it for another 5 years, after that I can do what I like with that first 50%, it’ll be up to me.
Yes, Mum is selfish in a lot of ways but she’smy Mum and I love her to bits and she’s probably right that it’s her right to inherit Grans assets before me. I just pray that that selfish and vain part of her hasn’t rubbed off on me. Gran used to joke that Mum would never be lonely while she had a mirror, but maybe Gran wasn’t joking. Anyway thanks for your advice, you’re very good with the things you say.

Jenny.

[Stormy(SO)]

One of the most difficult things I think we all experience - not just CD's is self-esteem. I've probably got more than I need and any one of you can borrow some any time you need it! First of all - I take offense that you think you are "nobody". Everybody is somebody and you sound like a very sensitive, kind, generous and intelligent person. Second of all, Gran more than likely knew what she was doing leaving her money to you - so relax with yourself and see how it plays out with your Mum. If she truly loves you the money won't matter and perhaps you can do something together not either or. Now on to the ugly boyfriend......you're doing just fine with how you're handling him given your age and vulnerability. Even though we make quake like a pillar of jello there are times we need to appear "tough enough"!!

Here's something I really believe and I mean no offense to any youngsters that might read this.

Bitchology
When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch.

When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch.

When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a bitch.

Being a bitch means I won't comromise what's in my heart. It means I live my life MY way. It means I won't allow anyone to step on me.

When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a bitch.

The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when I act a little selfish.

It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I am.

B = Beautiful
I = Individual
T = That
C = Can
H = Handle anything.

So be a bitch and I mean that in the most kindest way!!

Stormy

[Georgia(SO)]

Hi Jenny,

I think you are behaving quite well. I only asked about your age to know whether you could get help from school counselors and juvenile police or whether adult help would me more appropriate to your legal status.

I would also suggest that you pat yourself on the back for having recognized problems with this guy early. I was 35 before I got out of a violent relationship.

I'm just going to be blunt with you here. Yes, you can take out a restraining order on him. It *doesn't* stop them... and often can make them quite angry and sometimes more violent. In the States, it *does*, however, allow you to call the cops if he is hanging around outside your house or work. I don't know what the rules are where you are. I'm sure the local police can answer that for you. Most importantly, do not go anywhere alone with this guy.

I do know that somewhere near you will be a battered woman's support group. Just because he has never hit *you* does not mean that you are not eligible for their services. He has, at this point, shown sufficient tendencies towards menacing behavior that they will work with you. Again, you should be able to find help through the local clergy or the local police. Possibly in the phone book.

Please let me say this. Men who lose their cool like this always promise they will change. They always seem to make you feel guilty for hurting them. They will say they are sorry they said or did violent things. They probably do intend to change - they probably think they are sorry they said or did these things. However, if he was really sorry about his behavior when you broke up, he would not have escalated the stalking and the threatening moves and cornered you after work. Non-violent people may wish to talk with you after a breakup, and may cry and whine, but they do not threaten you, call you names and bang on your car, or make you afraid of them.

These violent people can be dangerous - not just physically, but emotionally. To have you scared of shadows is emotional damage and no one should be afraid all of the time. I would urge you to find some help in your town. Not on the internet, but in person. Sometimes just listening to the other women will give you good ideas. Sometimes listening to them makes you realize that all women in these situations find themselves quaking and shaking.

My thoughts are with you...

-g(so)

[Absaroka]

Jennifer I am sorry for all your losses and troubles right now.

A restraining order may lay the groundwork for other actions if things escalate with your boyfriend.

Whatever you do, do not get back together with him. The crying and apologies after his abuse are all part of a manipulative game which can be very dangerous for you. They are also a hallmark of an abuser. Abusive people can always be counted on to apologize and be sorry when all else fails to ensnare their victim yet again. But if he was really sorry he would leave you alone. At this point in his life apologies are bulls___ Sorry for the language but this is one of those rare times when no other word will do.

Hang in there.

Absaroka

[DonnaT]

Hi Jennifer,

Please do continue to talk to your Gran. I know she's listening. My Grandma came to visit me once, when my Mom was in the hospital having a heart attack. She told me she'd be alright. Heck, I didn't even know she was in the hospital.

Regarding your inheritance/trust, as you keep saying, your Gran was a very smart lady. So, she knew what she was doing. Trust her.

When the time comes for you to gain access to the trust, you'll be a little older and wiser yourself, so you'll know what to do with it. Heck, your sister may need your help more than your mother by then, so I wouldn't suggest just giving it to your mother as an apparent birthright.


As for your ex-BF. Please do, if you haven't already, file a complaint (your boss is a witness) for an Intervention Order. Or you can ask the police to file one for you.

Not only will it restrict his movements with respect to you, but the Magistrate can direct him to participate in prescribed counselling. It sounds like counselling may be what he needs.

Of course the deputy was correct, it really doesn’t stop anybody if they really want to get to you, unfortunately, but it can make him pause.

I don't know where you now live, but here's some info on Interventions Orders in Victoria here I imagine most other states or territories have similar laws.

He really at first wanted me to go with him and talk things over and I suppose if I had’ve it might have been better

Good to hear your instincts kicked in, because thing might have gotten very bad for you. Besides, why would you need to "go with him" to talk, when you were already talking where you were?

I suggest you never go anywhere together, and try to avoid any type meeting. But if you do need to talk with him, make sure it is in a very public place.

[JenniferMu.(GG)]

Well I guess I’ve stuffed up some, but at the time I thought I was doing the right thing but then I’ve made a lot of wrong decisions in the last couple of years I must admit.

Last Saturday night after I knocked off work about 1am he was waiting out the back at my car.
I hadn’t seen or heard from him for a while and I was beginning to think he’d dropped off me, but anyway when I went to my car he was ok and talking calmly just like he used to be in the beginning. He said that he accepted that he’d stuffed up but he wanted one last time talking to me so he could clear everything off his chest, so I agreed to meet him Sunday afternoon at the beach where I knew there’d be lots and lots of people, and I thought if I do this then he’ll see the light and leave me alone.

Well Sunday afternoon I met up with him and he asked me to sit in his car but I thought it better he sit in mine and everything went ok for a while. He poured his heart out to me and in the end he begged for my forgiveness and to give him one last chance, but I told him that he’d killed the love I had for him and even though I once had so much love to give him I just couldn’t bring myself to trust it again that we get together again, and we have to both move on.

Well that started his mood changing and I could see the dark clouds building in his face so I told him I had things to do and I had to go. It was then that he started giving me a real burst and said that it was time I heard a few home truths about myself. He then grabbed my hair at the back and sort of twisted it around his hand and I couldn’t move my head and he said I was going to sit there and hear him out. A lot of what he said went past me because I was really terrified because he said something to me like, that girls like me played with guys affections and we used our looks to get them, then when we were finished with them we dumped them on the scrap heap and he said something along the lines that how would it be if he smashed my face into the dashboard, you wouldn’t be so good looking then. Well anyway, I was frozen scared and couldn’t say anything and I think he took my silence as agreement or whatever with what he was saying, so he went on and on about what a cold hearted bitch I was and was nothing more than a user and one day I’d get mine big time. He was so wild he just didn’t seem to care about people walking by my car, but then in big cities like Melbourne you could be getting hacked to pieces and people would hurry on by and not involve themselves.

Well anyway, eventually he pushed me away and said something like I wasn’t worth wasting time on and he got out and slammed the door of my poor little Corolla so hard I thought it would be busted. My poor head was thumping, I suppose from having my hair nearly pulled out for so long and my heart in my mouth with being so scared it was only to be expected, but I was so thankful to get out of the situation in one piece.
The funny thing was that after he drove off, a couple of men who had apparently been sitting on a seat nearby came up to my car and asked if I was ok By this time I was starting to get a bit angry, not just with my ex but with myself for being so damn stupid and agreeing to sit and talk with him, I’d told myself over and over that I wouldn’t put myself in that situation again, but I guess I’m just as stupid as he said I am. Anyway, it was on the tip of my tongue to say to these two guys, do you pick up the pieces after the event, but I held my tongue, thanked them for their concern and went home. I suppose they thought better of intervening because he’s a pretty big fit guy and looks mean when he’s angry.

I did ring the woman detective and tell her what had gone on and she said I could lodge a complaint and he would be arrested for assault and possibly false imprisonment, but I thought it over and I think I have some of the blame on me and not all on him, and if he gets a conviction then that’ll effect his job and his future. He’s got a very good job and is working his way up faster than most people would and I’d hate to have it on my conscience that I was the cause of his career hitting the wall. I’ve got the feeling that he’s now got it out of his system and if getting rid of him out of my life means he has a low opinion of me, then so be it, because I know in my own heart that I’m not really a bad person and I am soft hearted, but I guess he fell really hard and broods when he thinks of me being with someone else, because that’s one of the things he kept going on and on about, but believe me, I have no interest or thoughts right now of getting into another relationship, I need time out to get over all this stuff and I’ve got other things to concentrate on.

I spoke with the detective this morning and I told her that I wasn’t going to lodge an official complaint, but I did say to her that if he comes near me again she can apply to the court for me to get an intervention order against him. She said that she’d made an official entry in her work diary of what I’d told her he did to me and it would be a straight forward process getting an order against him

So that’s how things stand at the moment. Thanks for the opportunity to get things off my chest and thanks for all the great advice you all give. I do take it on board even if it may look as though I don’t. I stuffed up this time by giving him my time, but it won’t happen again I assure you. It’s funny that after he left I thought of so many things I should have said to him but my vocal chords were frozen with fear and I hope I’m never in that situation ever again. I don’t know why guys have to be like that. He’s so good looking he can get any girl he wanted, he’s smart, he’s funny and witty and can talk on any subject, but he’s got this dark side to him like a Jeckyl and Hyde sort of thing, but then I suppose we never really know anyone do we, like Mum said, she’d been married to Dad for 23 years and thought she knew every little crinkle and detail about him until we found him wearing her dress, so is it that we take others at face value and come what may or do we always have to be on guard that there’s always going to be something new we didn’t know about, I just don’t know, it was much easier when I was a kid going to school than this.

Sometimes I think I should move back to Sydney on more familiar ground where I grew up, but then I think I’ve got something good going with work here in Melbourne and making new friends and if I go back home with my tail between my legs I’ll just be seen as failed again. I’ve got a good boss in a five star restaurant which is the field I’m interested in as far as career preference goes, and him and his wife are giving me every opportunity to learn the trade and advance and I’d hate to let them down so I’m thinking I’ll stick it out and take my chances that my ex won’t do me any harm and he’s moved on now. I haven’t told my parents any of this stuff with him, they’ve got their own problems so I don’t see the sense of worrying them, I'll be 21 this year so I'm supposed to be grown up and handle my own stuff ups.

Jenny.

[DonnaT]

I'm glad you survived your recent ordeal, Jennifer.

I guess you didn't think to hit the horn in your car? Or if equipped, the alarm?

Might I suggest finding a self defense class. Yeah, he may be big, but there are things a class will help you with. One being to prevent freezing up in situations like that so your mind can work on a way to get you out of the situation.

You might want to get your boss to install a camera out the back so you can see if anyone is lurking near your car, and any other employees car. Heck, anyone could be waiting back there to enter and rob the restaurant just as soon as the back door was opened.

Staying where you are sounds like a good decision. Your ex obviously knows you use to live in Sidney, and if he got it in his head to harm you, he'd simply follow you. At least he's already on the police record in Melborne.

Stay safe, and alert.