sometimes I re-look at it all

Tea Cake · Post by **Tea Cake** » Sat Mar 27, 2004 1:00 pm

At some point,anytime some big change happens that seems negative I always end up re-looking at my liking to dress-up...funny because the actual feelings I have when I'm all geared up are very confident and positive...its later during other aspects of my life that I question it sometimes. Just ended a nice long attempt at being with a really special gal...friends still but part of me has trouble letting go...we divided up our clothes and make-up together and it was light-hearted and fun...she even gave me her black-bra that I know she liked. Very cool and supportive. Trouble is later in the month when I'm thinking about her,and I start to think she would have liked me better if I didn't dress up at all...which is kind of unfounded, but anyway I start to try and rationalize it all away and think " time for making a family and kids and gotta grow up and...well you get the idea"..thing is its been with me since I was so young and I LOVE clothes...so I guess when I'm at my best I know that confidence is attractive...and your better off being yourself. I guess I'm lonesome though and wonder if I'll ever meet another gal that is open to such a core part of me. So here's hoping anyone that can relate to this ends up being empowered by all the cool sensations and the creativity that comes with having STYLE! Because there's other aspects to all of this that make life seem a little harder.

Beauty · Post by **Beauty** » Sun Mar 28, 2004 9:41 am

Hi Tea-C,

We've most likely all been where you are now. I moved your post to an area where SO's can post too. I think they may be able to bring you some much needed comfort about finding someone special who appreciates you for you.

You're a fun loving person who has a very special and FUN job that keeps you outdoors and with great animals.

I think most women would fawn over you. It's just hard to find love.

I agree with you, I don't think the relationship ended only because of the CD'ing. I can tell you not to ponder on that from here until eternity but you can get someone's mind away from a past relationship, they have to do it themselves (and you will). Until then we'll be here for you!

Beauty

LeftyRainbow(SO) · Post by **LeftyRainbow(SO)** » Thu Apr 08, 2004 1:09 pm

Hi Tea-Cake,

My partner's dressing was actually one of the things that I liked most initially.
It spices things up..lol!
It's very easy to beat ourselves over the head with "what if's?" and "was it this thing or that thing that was the final straw?" but in the end ,it's best to be ourselves.

She's out there somewhere and I hope you two cross paths soon!

Wishing you happiness

Lefty

Anita · Post by **Anita** » Sat Apr 17, 2004 9:11 pm

Hi Tea cake--
There are a lot of supportive SOs, both on here and out in the world, and I'm not sure what percentage of them went in knowing about it beforehand. Lots of them have been asked to adapt to it after committing, and that's tough. But on the other hand, it's easy to tell yourself that you'll never find anyone unless you get them committed to you (in some way), and THEN tell them.

I've not had to deal with this, just as I haven't had to be a parent. My hope is that I'd take the high road, and tell each prospective partner after about two or three dates. But that's the idealist in me.

It's just that this is such a big deal in a relationship. It's right up there with religious beliefs or race/ethnic differences. Unlike those, it's not apparent, so it puts a big burden on the CD. But I don't think there's any SO out there that wants to go much beyond that second or third date without being given the information.

I can see someone saying that the partner doesn't know you well enough at that point, and it would be easy for them to just break it off. That may be true. But any more time than that, and they're going to resent you for holding out on an important issue. I know that's how I'd feel if I were in their place. Maybe stretching it, five dates.

So I hope you can hold out for the idealistic vision, TC, but I'm not the one who's out there searching. It just seems to me that we've been given the very hard task of needing to be accepted for our whole self,and nothing less is going to work for us.
A

Kersten Lee · Post by **Kersten Lee** » Tue Apr 20, 2004 9:17 pm

Tea Cake,

I know your feelings even though I have been married 29 years.
I am sorry I don't have any great solutions, But all the other girls
are doing great. I feel your hurt and I hope my questions below
don't detract from you. I hope they may only expand on your
original question. Is the path we're on, going to lead to good or bad,
or maybe the answers we find will be as individual as we.

Auntie Kasey,

You have described my mixed feelings as of late. I thought I was
on the road to integrating my separate personalities. Reading your ideas,
I realize I need to backup and take another look at where I went wrong.
I'm happy when dressed and about or getting my toes polished.
I have always known these things that let me be happy have little in
relationship to what a genetic girl has to do to survive in this world.
I am only talking about me, and not generalizing.

I think now that letting my good feminine traits, caring, kindness, and
understanding seep into my male professional life, has not served me well
as the male hunter, gatherer, protector and provider. Maybe I will be
driving my wife and therapist mad before I come through as more
happily integrated and peaceful within myself.

It makes me wonder, do any SOs as genetic woman ever feel that
the wonderful traits they posess, (that defines them as female), hurt them
in the work place? Do any feel that they must submit to male standards to
be successful?

Was my goal of being fully integrated the wrong solution? Would it be
better trying to maintain two personalities?

Kersten

Lorna · Post by **Lorna** » Tue Apr 20, 2004 9:52 pm

Hi Tea cake,

I know exactly what you're talking about. I've been there on many occasions. I have had a lot of relationships end without a clear reason as to why. She claimed that I was insensitive, but I sometimes wonder if CDing played any part at all... I have since learned that it's best not to ponder such things. I am still a firm believer that someone should love you and all your ups & downs, 100%, no strings attached.

It can be very difficult to be single at times. But I am confident that with your positive, outgoing personality and your enjoyment of being who you are, you will have no problem meeting an open minded lady who will love you for all of you!

Hang in there hon, for she's out there...

*hugs*

~ Lorna

Loretta Ann · Post by **Loretta Ann** » Wed Apr 21, 2004 12:52 am

Hi Tea Cake.

I read your post earlier, and could not find the words to respond. Then I checked my email and found the following, which I thinks makes a good attempt to say what was on my heart.

"Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect, it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections".

Kay(SO) · Post by **Kay(SO)** » Wed Apr 21, 2004 9:11 am

To confirm what Anita wrote as it applies to me, I am grateful every day that my husband told me before we ever got seriously involved. It gave me the chance to make an informed decision about whether or not I wanted to be involved at all. It also told me how much he trusted me that he shared this part of himself, knowing that I could tell him to bug off. For many of us SO's the CDing is a smaller deal to accept than the deceit or feeling betrayed years later. The other thing I wanted to mention is that it changed my perception of my husband in a positive way. A mentally and emotionally healthy person feels free enough to be themselves not matter what. I was impressed with the fact that he told me because it was important to him to be accepted for who he is rather than trying to pretend to be someone he's not.

Kay(SO)