my wife has threaten me with leaving if she ever finds out that I crossdress. I explained to her that is just the way I am and that nothing is going to change that. I lied when I told her that I had stoped crossdressing a long time ago and that make me even not like myself.
am I to have a life of self denial. I do love my wife but sooner or later I'm afraid I going to loose her.
Can any of you give me some advice? I will greatly apreciated
Help! where do I go from here?
Moderator: DonnaT
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Carmen Roma
- Miss Crystal Goddess
- Posts: 16
- Joined: Thu Dec 10, 2009 9:33 am
- Location: Northen, California
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SilverLady(SO)
- Retired Site Administrator
- Posts: 5419
- Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2005 1:00 am
- Location: Strange Magic Hill (Virginia)
Hi, Carmen, and welcome to the Forum!
IMHO, the best thing to do is to come clean with the wife . . . tell her about it before she finds out - and find out she will, it's just a matter of time. Telling her before she discovers that you lied to her, however, will give you an advantage in that you won't be 'caught' in a lie.
You also don't want to be giving into, or issuing, any ultimatums. Remember that marriage is a partnership and requires compromise, both are a 2-way street and there must be give equal and take from both parties in order for the relationship to succeed.
Any more than that, I'll let the other members here give you advice.
Wish you the best of luck!
- SL
IMHO, the best thing to do is to come clean with the wife . . . tell her about it before she finds out - and find out she will, it's just a matter of time. Telling her before she discovers that you lied to her, however, will give you an advantage in that you won't be 'caught' in a lie.You also don't want to be giving into, or issuing, any ultimatums. Remember that marriage is a partnership and requires compromise, both are a 2-way street and there must be give equal and take from both parties in order for the relationship to succeed.
Any more than that, I'll let the other members here give you advice.
Wish you the best of luck!
- SL
SilverLady(SO)
- Native Motor City and Wolverine gal . . . GO BLUE!!
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Proud Military Family - Navy, Army, Coast Guard, National Guard
- Native Motor City and Wolverine gal . . . GO BLUE!!
- Molon Labe - Saepius Exertus, Semper Fidelis - Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum
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Proud Military Family - Navy, Army, Coast Guard, National Guard -
Virginia
- Goddess of the Universe
- Posts: 5543
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 4:06 pm
- Location: Strange Magic Hill
Welcome Carmen,
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, if you have not figured it out already. This "gift" as I am fond of calling it, never goes away. It is part of you. However, you do have the option of suppressing it, repressing it, ignoring it and if you are strong enough, never dressing again and taking it to the grave with you. What that does will make you a very "unhappy camper!" You will lead a miserable life, never achieving happiness in a very integral part of YOU!
Depending on what path you choose, there is what I call "Virginia's Challenge." Carmen gets dressed then stands in front of a full length mirror and looks at the woman looking back at her! Not at what she is wearing or how pretty a woman she may be, but look into her eyes - into her soul! Then you have to ask yourself two questions. 1. What is Carmen worth to you? 2. What are you willing to do for her?
Not everyone should or can do this as if it is taken with total commitment and sincerity, well, it can be life changing.
From reading your post, one can only assume that your wife is totally adverse to Carmen in any situation, is that the situation? If on the other hand she is open-minded to at least discuss it, she is more than welcome to join this forum and she can speak privately with other GG's in the GG's only section. If, as I previously "assumed" she is totally unwilling to even discuss it, we are a support group and we will be here for you as you continue your "Magical Mystery Tour!"
Please stay in contact with us.
Virginia
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, if you have not figured it out already. This "gift" as I am fond of calling it, never goes away. It is part of you. However, you do have the option of suppressing it, repressing it, ignoring it and if you are strong enough, never dressing again and taking it to the grave with you. What that does will make you a very "unhappy camper!" You will lead a miserable life, never achieving happiness in a very integral part of YOU!
Depending on what path you choose, there is what I call "Virginia's Challenge." Carmen gets dressed then stands in front of a full length mirror and looks at the woman looking back at her! Not at what she is wearing or how pretty a woman she may be, but look into her eyes - into her soul! Then you have to ask yourself two questions. 1. What is Carmen worth to you? 2. What are you willing to do for her?
Not everyone should or can do this as if it is taken with total commitment and sincerity, well, it can be life changing.
From reading your post, one can only assume that your wife is totally adverse to Carmen in any situation, is that the situation? If on the other hand she is open-minded to at least discuss it, she is more than welcome to join this forum and she can speak privately with other GG's in the GG's only section. If, as I previously "assumed" she is totally unwilling to even discuss it, we are a support group and we will be here for you as you continue your "Magical Mystery Tour!"
Please stay in contact with us.
Virginia
First star to the right, then straight on 'till mornin!
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DonnaT
- Miss Great Goddess
- Posts: 8222
- Joined: Fri Sep 17, 2004 11:04 am
- Location: No. Virginia
Been there Carmen.
You can try and stop, but at some point the urge may be too strong to resist. Then you'll need to hide doing it.
Works for a while, until caught that is.
Then you have the discussion again, provided she didn't leave.
Repeat the cycle. This can be done for years.
And if there are no other issues eroding at the marriage, she may see that the dressing isn't so bad, as long as she doesn't have to see it.
YMMV (your mileage may vary)
At one point I decided if my wife brought up divorce again, then I would agree. This happened on our 30th anniversary. We are still together.
Again, YMMV.
In my wife's eyes, I am nearly a model husband except for being trans.
She now knows that if she needs to leave to be happy, then I won't stop her.
OR, you can avoid the years of hiding and fighting and tell her now that this is a part of who you are. It's not a choice. Just like being right (or left) handed was never a choice, but instead, a genetic characteristic.
Explain to her that years ago, left handed people were forced to use their right hand. This caused a number of problems, like depression, stress, stuttering, alcohol abuse, and so on.
Trying to force someone to stop CDing can have similar effects.
Therefore, for your general well being, y'all need to come up with a compromise where you can dress when you need to.
She'll either compromise, or leave.
Good luck.
You can try and stop, but at some point the urge may be too strong to resist. Then you'll need to hide doing it.
Works for a while, until caught that is.
Then you have the discussion again, provided she didn't leave.
Repeat the cycle. This can be done for years.
And if there are no other issues eroding at the marriage, she may see that the dressing isn't so bad, as long as she doesn't have to see it.
YMMV (your mileage may vary)
At one point I decided if my wife brought up divorce again, then I would agree. This happened on our 30th anniversary. We are still together.
Again, YMMV.
In my wife's eyes, I am nearly a model husband except for being trans.
She now knows that if she needs to leave to be happy, then I won't stop her.
OR, you can avoid the years of hiding and fighting and tell her now that this is a part of who you are. It's not a choice. Just like being right (or left) handed was never a choice, but instead, a genetic characteristic.
Explain to her that years ago, left handed people were forced to use their right hand. This caused a number of problems, like depression, stress, stuttering, alcohol abuse, and so on.
Trying to force someone to stop CDing can have similar effects.
Therefore, for your general well being, y'all need to come up with a compromise where you can dress when you need to.
She'll either compromise, or leave.
Good luck.
DonnaT
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Pat
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 217
- Joined: Thu Dec 07, 2006 9:31 pm
- Location: Melbourne Australia
- Contact:
Carmen,
There are a lot of us that have been down that path. My Ex and I went to see some medico and one of his questions to me was that did I want to live as a woman, my answer being yes, was the finish of our marriage, from that night we were in separate rooms and the rest is history.
The positive thing is that I now dress fully time fem, mainly using unisex clothing, jeans, tops etc. wearing my earrings when ever I wish to and do not have put up with all stress of one very sour & bitter female.
There are a lot of us that have been down that path. My Ex and I went to see some medico and one of his questions to me was that did I want to live as a woman, my answer being yes, was the finish of our marriage, from that night we were in separate rooms and the rest is history.
The positive thing is that I now dress fully time fem, mainly using unisex clothing, jeans, tops etc. wearing my earrings when ever I wish to and do not have put up with all stress of one very sour & bitter female.
Keeping them cupped comfortably.
-Pat
-Pat
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Carly
- Miss Golden Goddess
- Posts: 528
- Joined: Tue Dec 01, 2009 9:47 pm
- Location: Midwest
Carmen,
My wife feels exactly the same as yours. After 30+ years A I now have concluded she will never change her views. As long as she believes I do not have a desire to CD everything is fine. I think I let her find clues over the years to bring up the discussion again. I cannot speak for your wife but you may have to make the same choice I had to make. That is no talk or signs of CDing or a divorce. Only you can say what option to choose. As one who has been there, I would not repeat the mistake I made of getting caught over and over again. Do whatever it takes to stay away from that path.
My wife feels exactly the same as yours. After 30+ years A I now have concluded she will never change her views. As long as she believes I do not have a desire to CD everything is fine. I think I let her find clues over the years to bring up the discussion again. I cannot speak for your wife but you may have to make the same choice I had to make. That is no talk or signs of CDing or a divorce. Only you can say what option to choose. As one who has been there, I would not repeat the mistake I made of getting caught over and over again. Do whatever it takes to stay away from that path.
Carly
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Leeza
- Miss Ruby Goddess
- Posts: 1745
- Joined: Tue Mar 18, 2008 4:46 pm
- Location: McCook, Nebraska
- Contact:
Hi, Carmen, and welcome.
I can't think of much to add to the above posts. My first wife left particialy because of my CDing, or so she said. There were a lot more serious problems that she wasn't willing to deal with.
At the time I thought the whole world had come to an end, but later realized that she had done me a favor. Although my second wife isn't supportive she is aware and doesn't make a big issue of it as long as I am not real open about it in front of her.
I could probably push the line further but it isn't worth it. I do cd at home but keep it covered so it is not obivious. When I do get out and away from home I do my thing. It is my way of dealing with the situation.
Right now I think I need to get away.
Leeza
I can't think of much to add to the above posts. My first wife left particialy because of my CDing, or so she said. There were a lot more serious problems that she wasn't willing to deal with.
At the time I thought the whole world had come to an end, but later realized that she had done me a favor. Although my second wife isn't supportive she is aware and doesn't make a big issue of it as long as I am not real open about it in front of her.
I could probably push the line further but it isn't worth it. I do cd at home but keep it covered so it is not obivious. When I do get out and away from home I do my thing. It is my way of dealing with the situation.
Right now I think I need to get away.
Leeza
Leeza
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Carmen Roma
- Miss Crystal Goddess
- Posts: 16
- Joined: Thu Dec 10, 2009 9:33 am
- Location: Northen, California
Thank you all for taking the time to answer back. yes it has been very frustraring for me over the years and I will listen to your advice she needs to know that I can't change that part of me. I do consider myself a good caring husband, and she has to weight on that before she makes any harsh decisions. Besides I am a very discrete person by nature and I enjoy my crossdressing along.
Thank you and if anything of significance happens I will keep you posted.
Carmen
Thank you and if anything of significance happens I will keep you posted.
Carmen