A long hello (sorry)

[JillJill (SO)]

SO here. Years ago, I discovered a shoebox of panties in my husband's closet. Didn't think much of it. Figured he had a harmless panty fetish. No big deal. Fast forward to Feb 2005, I discovered his long term affair with a co-worker. July 2010, I discovered that my husband is not only a full-blown cd'er (lingerie, heels, wigs, makeup), but that he views (...) nightly after the kids and I go to bed.

<snip>

Unbeknownst to me, he has had a secret fantasy life parallel to his real life for our entire marriage which originated during puberty. His secrets exposed, he admits that he was never able to bridge the gap between the fantasy in his head and our real sex life. Needless to say, we didn't have much of a sex life which I foolishly attributed to his work stress, thought he had a low sex drive, etc. I thought we had a good marriage despite his disinterest in sex with me. Foolish, I know. We are now on the brink of divorce. His long term affair, which I discovered back in 05, caused unbelievable pain to me. I tried so hard to reconcile our marriage, but he was not interested. He swept everything under the rug, including my confusion, pain, insecurity, etc, but was happy to stay in the marriage (we have 3 kids, nice house, etc.) He passively blames me for his affair because I "do not wear dresses" or exude a confident sexy attitude to his liking...the way his affair partner did. We actually recently tried to repair our marriage. But, he quickly abandoned his attempts because I was unable to incorporate his cd'ing into our sexual relationship. So he is not interested in an intimate relationship with me. It seems he cannot enjoy sex unless it has one of his fantasy elements included: dom/sub, denial, cd'ing. So, cd'ing is only a part of my husband's varried sexual interests. But, all of it excludes me, his wife. It seems his primary relationship is with himself...and his world of fantasy...and self-indulgence. A world I do not fit into for a couple of reasons: 1. I am real, thus cannot compete with fantasy, thus he is dissatisfied. 2. I find his sexual interests a turn off and some quite disturbing. Although, I have never been critical or judgemental. However, due to some of the characteristics of his long-standing hidden sexual fantasy life, I worry that this is all harmful to him in the ways he protects and preserves the fantasy life over his real life...wife and kids. 'It' has been a factor negatively effecting and undermining our entire marriage. And, it seems we are on the brink of divorce. Not sure what I am hoping for in posting all this. I am just so distressed by everything...his neglecting me for so many years, secrets our entire marriage, his affair hurt me in the worst way possible and he did nothing in the aftermath to help me or the marriage heal. And, recently learning the depth and breadth of his secret fantasy life and feminine personna. Typing this...it seems glaring that I should just move forward with divorce. But, I do love and care about him.



- - Post edited by SL.

[DonnaT]

Hi Jill, to the forum.

You say you love and care about him, but what about yourself!?

If it were me in your shoes, divorce would have been signed and sealed by now. You tried, he didn't. You got to be happy too.

[Carly]

Jill,
I agree with Donna. There has to be mutual respect. He does not seem to have any concerns for your situation.

[JillJill (SO)]

Is my husband's 'sexuality' typical of cross dressers? I am trying to understand this lifestyle. Do all or most cd's have fantasy lives which they maintain hidden and parallel to their 'real' life where, in their 'real' life, they present themselves as a man to all who know them? In my husband's case, it seems to me that his cd'ing and his affair and his progressive emersion in extreme porn are all part of a continuum which began in adolescence...where he used porn/masturbation/fantasy as an escape from an emotionally painful childhood and damaged self-esteem.
From your experience and knowledge, is this typical of cd's?

BTW, I had planned to divorce my husband during that 2nd year after discovering his affair since he had no real interest in ME or fixing our marriage, BUT, as I was researching how to tell my 3 kids about the impending divorce, I kept reading that, if mom/dad get along well, that it's in the best interest of the kids to remain together. Well, of course, I wanted to do what was in their best interest. So, I stayed. My husband and I transitioned into a partnership in co-parenting our kids. I boxed up my feelings for him to get myself out of a chonically rejected, painful place AND I emotionally detached...let him go and the marriage go. We were cruising along quite well with good dynamics between us and our children for about 2.5 yrs until I discovered his cd'ing and porn interests. The ensuing deeply emotional conversations opened those boxes and my feelings poured out. I realized that I do still love him. We tried to reconcile the marriage, but we are at an impasse: me wanting a heterosexual, 'traditional' relationship, and him wanting our relationship to essentially be his fantasies turned reality, which, we learned, does not work. Part of me welcomes divorce as I see my future being free of all this stuff. But, it's still so hard cause I do love him and am saddened over my children having their lives dismantled.

Thanks for reading my long posts!
-Jill

[Anita]

Hi JillJill--
Welcome to the forum. I'd like to reply at more length to what you've said here, but this is a greeting for now.

[Andrea Elise]

Jill,

Welcome!

In my case, and I suspect in many other cases, what you describe is not how it works.

I have a healthy relationship with my wife. My CD aspect meshes with the rest of my normal activities and does not include fetish activity.

I have never been interested in porn. For me, sex is not a spectator sport.

My female expression does not take the place of my wife.

I can only speak for myself.

Andrea

[JillJill (SO)]

Anita, I look forward to your comments and insight.

Andrea, thank you for sharing your personal experience. And, honestly, I don't think my husband's cd'ing would be the huge obstacle it is if it resembled your degree of emersion in it. His fantasy world is deep and dark. Of course, to him, it is sexually stimulating and satisfying. And, while he visits it for only about 30 mins - 1 hr during the night, it is something he seems a prisoner to. He cannot stop...despite my fears that one of my kids could walk in on him, thus likely resulting in their relationship with him forever changed...and not likely for the better...not to mention other possible ill effects to them.

<snip>

Recently, he had a sudden change of heart toward me (when I was about to file for divorce) where he expressed an interest in reconciling our marriage. He began saying and doing all the 'right' things which he should have done some 5.5 yrs ago after I discovered his affair with a co-worker. I fell for it and hope returned that maybe we could somehow salvage our marriage. Well, it didn't take long for me to realize that he had a hidden agenda: Get the wife to incorporate cd'ing into our marriage (sex) relationsihp = his ticket to doing it in our home and avoiding divorce and all the consequences there. I felt used. And, during sex, I felt peripheral...like he was having the sex with himself/for himself...and that I was just participating in a supporting role in helping him play out one of his fantasy scenarios. In the end, it just felt all wrong. Then, once he realized his agenda wasn't going to pan out, he distanced himself from me and abruptly stopped all the gestures of interest and care. He stopped 'working' on our marriage and retreated fully back into cd'ing sessions in our basement and internet porn. BTW, he could not have sex without being cd'd to some degree. Is this true of most/all cd's?

It is so refreshing to read how you love your wife. I am so happy for you both.


- - Post edited by SL.

[Susan]

Hi Jill

To keep this short I will say No - I am not like your husband. Susan is a separate side of me and she has not had any sexual dealings with anyone. I cannot identify with your husband.

[Andrea Elise]

I agree totally with Susan.

Does anyone have an idea of which part of the forum this thread can be taken to?

Also, Jill, to me, it would seem your husband is in need of therapy. I doubt, from what you describe, it would be possible.

Even more helpful would be for you both to get counsel. This has colored everything in your relationship.

I certainly am only expert in destroying relationships. However I am determined the one I have now will be the last and the one that will last.

My wife is more important to me than than all else.

For one to change, one has to want to change. If that is not the case, change will never come.

You are in my heart and my prayers!

Andrea

[DonnaT]

PLEASE NOTE:
If you want to comment further on Jill's post, please take it to http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... p?p=139500

OTHERWISE

Post your hello's here, please.

[SilverLady(SO)]

Hi, JillJill, and welcome to the Forum.

Your posts have been edited to remove certain portions that, although part of your situation, are just inappropriate for our forum. One must remember that search bots from big-name search engines visit our forum on a daily basis, and we do not need certain words associated with us, which might also bring unsavory characters here as visitors.

Donna, thank you for the link to the other topic.

- SL

[CJ]

Hi Jill, and welcome to the forum.

That's a tough situation you're in; I'll be replying elsewhere.

CJ

[Paula G]

I hope we can help

[Leeza]

Hi, Jil, and welcome to our family on the internet.

Leeza