I'm trying to understand!

[Helen (SO)]

Hi,

I'm Helen and I thought I’d stop by, introduce myself and say thanks for your help so far.

I've been gradually finding out about my boyfriend's interest in crossdressing for a while but kind of ignored it. My attitude was that it was fine if fantasising about wearing stockings turned him on but it didn’t do anything for me so I’d just not think about it – and try to get him to stop talking about it.

This weekend my boyfriend told me that it was more than a fantasy and put me in a position where I had to begin to deal with it. I think I'm beginning to understand how important crossdressing is to him and that if our relationship is to have any future I need to accept his dressing on a much more extensive scale. It has come as a bit of a shock to me and I'm not certain how I feel about it yet.

Yesterday I was alternating between bursting into floods of tears and then wondering how I could be seriously considering the future of our relationship as a result of something as inconsequential as the kind of clothes he wants to wear!

Last night I asked my boyfriend to dress for me in the hope that actually seeing it would be less traumatic than imagining it – which was what I was doing constantly anyway. I set some rules for the evening because I thought that being in control would make it easier for me. The rules were simple things about what he could wear and how long for. We spent the evening making dinner, watching TV, drinking wine and playing cards, trying to make everything as normal as possible. As I’d hoped, my boyfriend was indeed the same person I know and love.

It wasn’t the easiest evening ever, but it was OK, easier than I’d expected. I felt exhausted by the end of the evening and I needed quite a bit of reassurance and attention afterwards, but my boyfriend is being great. I know he has been through quite a lot to actually tell me in the first place (especially given my initial negativity and attempts to ignore and shut out his hints) and it’s a bit of a rollercoaster for him too because he has to deal with the fear that I won’t be able to cope. I can’t reassure him because I don’t know the answer but I do love him very much and I’m trying.

Things are by no means resolved, we both still have lots of concerns and don’t really know what’s next, but today is better than yesterday.

Helen

PS I initially had no idea what crossdressing was about and thought my boyfriend must be gay or heading for a sex change! He encouraged me to look on the internet (and looked with me at first) and I have to say that it’s amazing how much you can learn in 36 hours! It has helped enormously – thank you!

[Beauty]

Hi Helen,

Welcome to the forum. If you look in the SO Only section you'll find many posts that have a similar theme.

I understand it's not easy accepting this about your boyfriend, but you're very right when you say, "At least he trusted me." It's so hard for us to trust someone enough to open up and share this part of ourselves. For me it was hard to do because a part of me felt like I was doing something wrong, but I wasn't because I was being me.

I think your ideas were marvelous (about getting him to dress). I thought your mental fatigue was also very enlightening.

If there was going to be any unsolicited advice I would give you, it would be to get ready for days when you're like, "This is not a big deal" to "Am I sure that he doesn't want to be a woman?" Eventually it becomes more normalized and you won't care as much. (From what I've read on the forum from other SOs and my own wife)

I think you're great for joining us and I hope other women read your post when they start doing research and get relief and guidance from the way you handled this event. It's was perfect!

Best of luck and again welcome!

Beauty

[Carol Ann]

Hi Helen and a very big to our forum.
Let me tell you about myself and my wonderfull wife, I have CD since I was 12 or 13 living alone with my mother and married this wonderfull person who i didn't have the strenth to tell her about the real me on the inside. Married 40 years and 4 children before I was faced with the alful choise of telling her of my crossdressing.. Not an easy job, at lease your boyfriend was up front about it. See that was my problem not telling her and living this lie in our marriage. She was so hurt that I didn't trust her to tell her, ya I can see her point. So after a few weeks of talking she came to me and said you are still the same man I married no matter what cloths you wear. Now she set down her rules as to what I could do and what I could not do. We are still married going on 42 years and she supports my dressing as long as I stay within her rules. Helen at lease he told you up front so there will be no surprise later, I hope I have help you in a little way and remember he is still a man no matter what clothes he wears. Carol Ann

[Katy-Jane]

Hi Helen and welcome,

thanks for such a wonderful post I have only been a member of this forum myself for about a week, it's a wonderful place, and I hope it helps both you and your boyfriend deal with what is a a fairly tricky subject (to put it mildly!).

I've had to give myself a few minutes to compose my thoughts, before getting it together to write this post. When I read your thoughts, they brought a tear to my eye. I have an SO who I love more profoundly than any words could express. A few months ago I managed somehow to tell her about my dressing, determined that I would rather face the consequences of her knowing, than deceive someone I love so deeply. I had kind of hinted before, but she took no notice. When I told her, she said that everyone was entitled to a little bit of private pleasure, was generally supportive (I broke down a bit as I told her) and we haven't really discussed it since then. She seemed to sort of hope it might go away, but as I and all the girls on this forum know, that's not exactly likely!

I was so touched to read your post, as it kind of gave me a handle on some of the things that perhaps she feels. It made me realise that in a way I'd been so focussed on how hard it was to tell her (and believe me it was hard!), that I hadn't really paid much attention to how hard it must have been to hear. She did say to me that we could go back to the subject and talk more when I was ready, which was incredibly cool of her. We haven't yet, guess I must not be ready, but your post has really helped me look at the situation in a different way. When we talk again, and I really don't know when that might be, I'd like to make a point of asking her how she feels, and giving her some space to talk. I never really managed to do that last time, as I got too upset to complete the conversation properly! Also, I guess I've shyed away from talking about the subject a bit, because of the phrase she used "private pleasure". I'm very grateful we spoke about it, but I'm anxious not to shove it down her throat, so to speak, if she would prefer I keep it private and to myself.

To you and your boyfriend, the very best of luck, and I'm sure the girls here will be a great help to you both. Massive respect to him for the courage to tell you (I know how hard that bit is!) and equally massive respect to you, for the courage to listen (which I can only imagine.

welcome, and thanks,

Katy-Jane

[Mrs. Missy(SO)]

Hi Helen,

I'm so glad you decided to join this group! Maybe we can help you understand and accept. (I do apologize if I get long winded!)

First let me say, that your boyfriend has a lot of character to tell you about this need before you made a final committment with him.

I only learned about crossdressing from my husband about a year ago. I had many of the same feelings and concerns as you. What helped me initially was letting him talk about his feelings regarding wearing feminine undergarments. We had kitchen table discussions nearly every evening, but we would stop for the night when I felt I was getting overwhelmed. During this time, he didn't dress up at all. Also, he did research on the internet, as you did, and found professional and caring websites, such as this one. My husband has a very inquisitive and analytical mind, for both technical subjects and psychological implications. Even with extensive research and self analysis, he couldn't tell me definitively why he liked to do these things although I think he has some pretty good ideas about where it came from. I could see that it was a very overwhelming need for him.

During these discussions, he emphatically reassured me that he was not and never would be gay -- he enjoyed being a heterosexual guy -- but a guy that liked women's clothes. I was sorting out my feelings during these talks, but I knew, without a doubt, that I loved my buddy and that we were in this together.

We started out slowly. First it was heels and hose. We gradually wandered into women's outerwear. Anything that made me uncomfortable was avoided for the time being. I think it also helped that when he started to wear these clothes, it was done in the early morning or at night. I think the softer lights helped to make things not so harsh. I don't like to see him in a wig. He doesn't wear one, but tries to style his hair in a feminine way. I can better accept seeing him this way.

I have comfort in knowing that this is the extent for him. He likes to dress up at home, he doesn't want to go out dressed up, and he doesn't want to change his body in any way.

Let me end it by saying that you need to find out where your boyfriend wants to go with this. Does he want to dress up just in your presence? Does he want to dress up and go out with other guys? Does he eventually want to take hormones and have surgery to become more feminine? These are important questions that will determine how you will accept this.

Let me know if I can answer any specific questions you may have, or you can do a search on my name and see some other posts that I have written.

Good luck


Mrs. Missy(SO)

[Virginia]

Hi Helen,
Guess you are starting to OD on information, albeit excellent. Aren't my sisters wonderful!? First, a lot of us repressed or supressed or rejected the crossdressing until later in life. For your boyfriend to accept this at this point is your relationship gives you options and like chess as long as you got a move you ain't in check. Science proves out the fact that once a crossdresser, always a crossdresser, it never goes away, it it part of our personna. We may ignore it, supress it, repress it all the way to the grave or we may let it manifest itself at sometime during our lives. How it affects those around us well that is your delimna isn't it. I will say this most of us a married, positive contiributors, generally well above average IQ's and just generally nice folk. Most of us whose SO's are aware of our CD'ing life under a variety of "rules" we adhere to as set by our SO's.
If you love this guy and want to accept this "gift" he brings to the relationship thing about it and set whatever restrictions/rules that you can initially live with.
Good luck honey, and please keep us posted.
Virgina

[CJ]

Hi Helen,

First, welcome to the forum! I think you'll find much that may helpful to you, here (as well as to your DH--your "Dear Heart"), both in the way of info and in the way of support.

Like others, I'm thrilled to see that you haven't just automatically closed your heart and mind to your boyfriend's inner life--a life that can be full of turmoil as well as of beauty--despite the eccentric and uncommon nature of his desires.

What I will suggest, though, is this: don't be afraid to make it clear that, from now on, things should proceed according to your own rhythm and ability to "integrate" this new knowledge of who he truly is. Often, when we (CD's) discover the newfound freedom an accepting SO seems to confer upon us, we tend to go slightly overboard (the "Kid in the Candy Store" syndrome). Don't allow yourself to be overwhelmed by this. Pace yourself and insist your boyfriend respect that pace. Above all, inform yourself, talk with him, and seek out the community and support of other SO's.

I wish you well, Helen. There are interesting yet possibly difficult times ahead for you both.

Love,
CJ