new member- Lizzy B
Moderator: DonnaT
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Lizzy B
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 27
- Joined: Fri May 07, 2004 9:06 am
Hi Heather...I've spent so much time reading so many posts that my head is spinning, but to answer your question, yes, Ive had other girlfriends and after an initial period of denial, I did tell each about my complete past and my need to dress as a girl/woman and sad to say, none of them seemed to sympathetic. So I didn't tell my last girlfriend for quite some time and kept it secret and hidden from her until I felt I could no longer hold it in, and now that has ended as well. I've been out of work for a month as well, though fortunately I start a new job in early June. I've decided to dress as a girl/woman as much as possible until then so as to get a better idea as to where I'm "going". I mentioned I had gone out the other night with my sister and when I'm dressed, I truly feel like a woman in every way. It may just be better for me to go in that direction rather than pretend I'm something I'm not. The last couple of months with my girlfriend were very stressful for me and frankly, although I'm still searching, I feel more relaxed now than I have in quite some time. Lizzy
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Brianna
- Miss Sapphire Goddess
- Posts: 62
- Joined: Thu May 06, 2004 2:07 pm
- Location: Denver, CO
I'm at a loss for words...
Lizzy B,
Hi! After you posted to the topic "Every crossdresser should have a friend like mine," I took the time to read your posts. I must confess that I am truly at a loss for words, (which is unusual for me.)
It sounds like your life has been full of pain. I can only hope there has been at least an equal amount of happiness sprinkled throughout your life also. Everyone here at this forum has been great to me and I hope you have felt the same way. It is almost like you are receiving a great big interenet hug every time someone posts.
As difficult as this time may be for you, perhaps it is a blessing in disguise. Hopefully you will have some time to focus only on yourself, (both the male and femlae elements of your persona.) Discovering what brings happiness into out lives is difficult but well worth the effort.
You are fortunate to have two sisters who love you for who you are, (male or female,) and support you in whichever role you are in at the time.
In one of your posts you mentioned your approaching 30th birthday. If is has already passed, I wish you a belated Happy Birthday. If it has not, I advise you to look forward to it.
I remember my twenties and they were a challenging time for me also. I was one of those super serious types who had to be Mr Responsible. I felt like I didn't have much fun and I was always waiting until I got married to start having fun. Wrong! When I turned 30 years old, it was as if I began a new life. I decided to stop waiting and hoping and actually start living. I wish the same for you.
I have not had nearly the amount of trials to face in my life as you have had but still it has not been a cakewalk either. I truly believe that each experience, both the good and the bad, work together to shape us into who we are. We can either be crippled by our experiences or enlightened and strengthened by them. I hope you choose the latter because this is your choice to make.
In retrospect, I guess I was not at a loss for words but speaking from the heart requires time, thought, and patience.
I wish you all the best and I am sending good vibes your way.
Brianna
Hi! After you posted to the topic "Every crossdresser should have a friend like mine," I took the time to read your posts. I must confess that I am truly at a loss for words, (which is unusual for me.)
It sounds like your life has been full of pain. I can only hope there has been at least an equal amount of happiness sprinkled throughout your life also. Everyone here at this forum has been great to me and I hope you have felt the same way. It is almost like you are receiving a great big interenet hug every time someone posts.
As difficult as this time may be for you, perhaps it is a blessing in disguise. Hopefully you will have some time to focus only on yourself, (both the male and femlae elements of your persona.) Discovering what brings happiness into out lives is difficult but well worth the effort.
You are fortunate to have two sisters who love you for who you are, (male or female,) and support you in whichever role you are in at the time.
In one of your posts you mentioned your approaching 30th birthday. If is has already passed, I wish you a belated Happy Birthday. If it has not, I advise you to look forward to it.
I remember my twenties and they were a challenging time for me also. I was one of those super serious types who had to be Mr Responsible. I felt like I didn't have much fun and I was always waiting until I got married to start having fun. Wrong! When I turned 30 years old, it was as if I began a new life. I decided to stop waiting and hoping and actually start living. I wish the same for you.
I have not had nearly the amount of trials to face in my life as you have had but still it has not been a cakewalk either. I truly believe that each experience, both the good and the bad, work together to shape us into who we are. We can either be crippled by our experiences or enlightened and strengthened by them. I hope you choose the latter because this is your choice to make.
In retrospect, I guess I was not at a loss for words but speaking from the heart requires time, thought, and patience.
I wish you all the best and I am sending good vibes your way.
Brianna
Still trying to figure out who I am and how I fit in this crazy world...
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Lizzy B
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 27
- Joined: Fri May 07, 2004 9:06 am
Hi Brianna...your wonderful post had me reaching for some tissues as it was heartfelt and so sincere! Well, one of the (dis?)advantages of being out of work for now is that I have spent a lot of time at the computer and have read so much over the past few days, and I was able to see your post fairly soon after you wrote it. It is so nice to meet people like you and all the others here who have had so many kind words and have been able to share their experiences and thoughts and hopes and ideals. I realize this will be a long process, but each day gets a little better for me and the springtime has always represented a time of hope and renewal as well. We've all had our share of disappointments and setbacks and I know my story/situation is no different than anyone else's in the abstract. I've looked back on my past and all that has happened and realize things have occurred for a reason, and although I can't undo the past, I can learn from it and move forward. And that is what I will do, one way or the other. Beginning a new job in a few weeks is a big step, and sorting out what I want to do with my life will be another. I can sit here today and type this and feel free and liberated from the past and wearing my en femme clothing is just part of it for me. Yes, my sisters have been so helpful in many ways (though one lives in another state), and while they suffered as well, there's is a different sort of wound from which to heal. I know I will go to work as a "man" in a few weeks, but I really don't know for how long that will be. I have found over the past few days that as I go en femme, I feel totally like a woman and have never felt more "relief" and satisfaction than ever before. I'm not sure if this is what I want though, and continued therapy may not be the answer either. I have always wanted a loving, secure relationship with a woman, but I don't know if I can do that any longer either. When dressed as a woman and acting as feminine as one, I find myself "looking" at men as though I was really a woman, and that scares me as well. So here I am, in a sort of nether world, but each day is better and I look forward to tomorrow.
Well, thanks so much Brianna and you have a great day girl. Lizzy
Well, thanks so much Brianna and you have a great day girl. Lizzy
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Heather Gail
- Miss Crystal Goddess
- Posts: 22
- Joined: Mon May 03, 2004 9:55 am
Hi Lizzy and Brianna...I've read your wonderful most recent posts and like Brianna, I too am at a loss for words. I sometimes lose sight of the fact that I do have a wonderful wife and great kids, and the "problems" that I have faced are miniscule in comparison yours Lizzy. I can't begin to imagine the pain and sorrow you have endured these years and truly hope you will be able to find the peace of mind and type of life you want to live and will make you the happiest. It is a difficult time for you, but also a time to really look down deep into your soul. My prayers are with you all the time. Love, Heather
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Caroline
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 100
- Joined: Sun May 09, 2004 2:37 pm
- Location: The Garden of England
Hi Lizzy B, and welcome to the club.
Your family background sounds particularly harrowing, and I feel for you.
I don't think CDing is a gift, any more than I think having myopia, or a club-foot is either; it just is.
The human psyche is perhaps unique in the animal kingdom for wanting to know the reasons for things but it's all too easy to develop reasons and give them a reality, even though that's just a convenient fiction to satisfy our need to explain things in the first place.
Perhaps that sounds glib, but if you think about it--and many minds greater than mine have--there is not a single thing in the universe which can be explained without the explanation resting on an ineluctible 'fact', so-called, but where that 'fact' either cannot be explained in itself, or can only be explained by reference to that which it is part of the explanation.
Apart from that nugget of wisdom, I should have learned by my advanced age that I should never try to advise other people what they should do--and also to keep my opinions to myself, but that's another story!
However, you conclude your first post saying, "So now I'm at a crossroads because I do want a relationship, but just don't know how to handle the CD aspect." I've been there , and I suspect many others have too, but I believe you owe it to yourself, and to your prospective girlfriends to be honest and 'upfront' about it. OK, you might be turned-down sometimes--perhaps even a lot--but it's better to be hurt at the beginning rather than start a relationship with important secrets that will only cause a more painful break-up further down the line, once they become known. Say for example, when you're 'caught' some 6 months down the line by your girlfriend; what do you say then to her question, "Why were'nt you honest with me from the beginning?"
I think most women would find the lack of honesty more difficult to accept than the fact that you like to CD. In other words, honesty and trust are a fundamental part of any relationship.
Apart from that, what is really wrong with CDing? It's not something disgusting like bestiality, or deeply damaging like child-molesting, and you really harm no-one by doing it. And if anyone thinks I'm being facetious here, child-molestation was happened in my family, without demur by other adult members, and it sounds like also in Lizzy B's family too.
Another good thing about being 'upfront' is this: if your girlfriend accepts you from the beginning for what you are, then you can have a much more meaningful relationship together--and perhaps more fun too!
Once again, I'm conscious of taking up too much of everone's time, and once again I apologise for it.
Take care Lizzy B, and I hope things work out for you--and for eveyone else too who's not fallen asleep by now!
Caroline.
Your family background sounds particularly harrowing, and I feel for you.
I don't think CDing is a gift, any more than I think having myopia, or a club-foot is either; it just is.
The human psyche is perhaps unique in the animal kingdom for wanting to know the reasons for things but it's all too easy to develop reasons and give them a reality, even though that's just a convenient fiction to satisfy our need to explain things in the first place.
Perhaps that sounds glib, but if you think about it--and many minds greater than mine have--there is not a single thing in the universe which can be explained without the explanation resting on an ineluctible 'fact', so-called, but where that 'fact' either cannot be explained in itself, or can only be explained by reference to that which it is part of the explanation.
Apart from that nugget of wisdom, I should have learned by my advanced age that I should never try to advise other people what they should do--and also to keep my opinions to myself, but that's another story!
However, you conclude your first post saying, "So now I'm at a crossroads because I do want a relationship, but just don't know how to handle the CD aspect." I've been there , and I suspect many others have too, but I believe you owe it to yourself, and to your prospective girlfriends to be honest and 'upfront' about it. OK, you might be turned-down sometimes--perhaps even a lot--but it's better to be hurt at the beginning rather than start a relationship with important secrets that will only cause a more painful break-up further down the line, once they become known. Say for example, when you're 'caught' some 6 months down the line by your girlfriend; what do you say then to her question, "Why were'nt you honest with me from the beginning?"
I think most women would find the lack of honesty more difficult to accept than the fact that you like to CD. In other words, honesty and trust are a fundamental part of any relationship.
Apart from that, what is really wrong with CDing? It's not something disgusting like bestiality, or deeply damaging like child-molesting, and you really harm no-one by doing it. And if anyone thinks I'm being facetious here, child-molestation was happened in my family, without demur by other adult members, and it sounds like also in Lizzy B's family too.
Another good thing about being 'upfront' is this: if your girlfriend accepts you from the beginning for what you are, then you can have a much more meaningful relationship together--and perhaps more fun too!
Once again, I'm conscious of taking up too much of everone's time, and once again I apologise for it.
Take care Lizzy B, and I hope things work out for you--and for eveyone else too who's not fallen asleep by now!
Caroline.
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Kersten Lee
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 386
- Joined: Sun Feb 29, 2004 10:05 am
- Location: Central Nebraska
Lizzy B,
I know the pain you carry as do so many others whom have written
already. I too suffered severe parental abuse as did you and sisters.
I am 51, married 29 years, fairly successful and been in therapy
for 1year 7 months so far. I was so disfunctional in so many areas
of life. Crossdressing was only a small issue. My therapist has supported
me in finding who I am underneath all my pain.
You said, I believe, that therapy may not help. If this isn't more pressure on you, could you share with us a couple reasons you believe your
therapist isn't helping you in ways that you may have wished for?
You need not respond to this, I will care for you the same as all friends
here have cared for me.
Many have told me that all the problems took time to develop and that
I need not try to fix all of them in one day.
I will pray you have some peace in the next days,
Kersten
I know the pain you carry as do so many others whom have written
already. I too suffered severe parental abuse as did you and sisters.
I am 51, married 29 years, fairly successful and been in therapy
for 1year 7 months so far. I was so disfunctional in so many areas
of life. Crossdressing was only a small issue. My therapist has supported
me in finding who I am underneath all my pain.
You said, I believe, that therapy may not help. If this isn't more pressure on you, could you share with us a couple reasons you believe your
therapist isn't helping you in ways that you may have wished for?
You need not respond to this, I will care for you the same as all friends
here have cared for me.
Many have told me that all the problems took time to develop and that
I need not try to fix all of them in one day.
I will pray you have some peace in the next days,
Kersten
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Lizzy B
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 27
- Joined: Fri May 07, 2004 9:06 am
Thank you Caroline and Kersten for the very sincere and thoughtful posts. I've come to this site precisely for caring and wonderful people like you who share a common bond with me. I've "shared" such a small part of my situation with all of you, not knowing how open I should be, but I'm feeling more comfortable each day as I read others' posts and feelings throughout this forum. I've just been so emotional of late, probably enduced to some degree by the double doses of birth control pills I've taken on and off these past few months. I'm sure they have had a strong affect on my emotional state. Other than working out by running and cycling, I've assumed full and complete femme appearance and persona these past couple of weeks and each day I feel more and more secure and comfortable. One of my sisters is a beautician/cosmologist and she's a wizard at hair and makeup, and with my rather slight build (5'7") and thin weight, I've had no trouble passing. The hatred and rage I felt for my father and the "refuge" my sisters sought by dressing me up and treating me as a girl and the subsequent rejection by my mother has left me with a lifelong distrust of men. I've had virtually no male friendship my entire life and have always preferred the company of girls as I've found them more sincere and less threatening. This lasted through puberty, my late teens and into my 20s. The "romantic" relationships I've had with women though have always been "clouded" by my feeling that I'm doing something "wrong" to them when we're intimate, and that, as much as my cross-gender life, has caused these relationships to fail. So I'm at a point where I find it far easier and preferable to live as a girl/woman. I've told this to therapists who have reacted/responded in various ways, never to my satisfaction. One of them requested that I come in to a session in full en femme mode, which I did. Maybe I overdid it with the makeup and dress (I wore a black mini, three inch heels and dark black hose), but I felt as though he was staring at me the whole time. That was the last and only male therapist I saw. All I want is a stable life and loving relationship, but frankly, even if I can pass and live as a woman, I still don't see myself with a man...both my sisters are gay, and with my distrust of men, I'm certain that I would rather be with a woman anyway.
So am I a mess or what?
So am I a mess or what?
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Karen Marie
- Miss Sapphire Goddess
- Posts: 67
- Joined: Thu Apr 29, 2004 4:03 pm
hi lizzy,
hi lizzy,
i can relate to the issue of having male friends.i've never had
male friends or any desire to.i have always felt comfortable and secure
with girls and women.and honestly,i wouldn't change things one bit.
it has really helped me find myself. bunches of hugs,
karen.
i can relate to the issue of having male friends.i've never had
male friends or any desire to.i have always felt comfortable and secure
with girls and women.and honestly,i wouldn't change things one bit.
it has really helped me find myself. bunches of hugs,
karen.
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Heather Gail
- Miss Crystal Goddess
- Posts: 22
- Joined: Mon May 03, 2004 9:55 am
You've really had such a tough time Lizzy...just hope you know what you're doing and aren't acting too rashly...but one thing you wrote did hit home...my wife has always "mentioned" to me that I have so few male friends, and other than a couple of close ones, she's pretty much correct. And I don't think that has anything to do with the dressing...a lot of my male "contemporaries" are into things that don't interest me like drinking beer almost as a sport, engaging in the pursuit of material things just to have them, and otherwise acting like "Peter Pan" (just won't grow up). Sure there are women like that in their own way, but far less than the men I know. Good luck Lizzy and just take care of yourself...hugs, Heather
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Caroline
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 100
- Joined: Sun May 09, 2004 2:37 pm
- Location: The Garden of England
Dear Lizzy B,Lizzy B wrote: All I want is a stable life and loving relationship, but frankly, even if I can pass and live as a woman, I still don't see myself with a man...both my sisters are gay, and with my distrust of men, I'm certain that I would rather be with a woman anyway.
So am I a mess or what?
Giving advice is always fraught with difficulties; so much so, that the best advice I was ever given was to never give it to others. Having said that...
I take it that is a rhetorical question you ended with? So why d'you think you're a mess? Because you have made up your mind you want to be a woman? Or is it because you want to be a lesbian woman? As for your distrust of men, well, I think that's well-founded, irrespective of your personal circumstances.
Of course, according to some therapists, one indication that you are a 'mess' is the fact that you sought therapy in the first place. In my experience, most therapists take up the profession to fulfil some need in themselves, but for some of them, their need is so great that they are unable to respond to others in a profesional and caring fashion. Maybe the ones you met were like that. Or maybe it was just the fact that they responded "never to [your] satisfaction" is the real issue here?
Do you feel able to say how you would have liked them to have responded?
Incidentally, I have no doubt whatsoever that I'm 100% hetero. I say that as someone who has had male friends who were gay, and has even been 'propositioned' more than once by gays--and I was in a completely male persona at the time. Out of consideration for those friends, I didn't dismiss their approaches out-of-hand, but tried to consider them dispassionately. I declined as gracefully as I could, and I'm pleased to say that we still remained friends afterwards. My wife is also convinced that she is 100% hetero. Despite all this, I have a fantasy from time to time that I am her (lipstick) lesbian lover, and she plays along willingly.
The point in saying this, Lizzy, is to let you know that you don't have to really change yourself into a 'real' woman just because you like doing certain things, and that being a fantasy lesbian lover is OK in itself with the right partner. And, back to a hobby-horse of mine, being upfront about your proclivities is the best way to find that special person for you.
I wish you well, my dear--and I've never said that to anyone other than my wife before.
Caroline.
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Kersten Lee
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 386
- Joined: Sun Feb 29, 2004 10:05 am
- Location: Central Nebraska
Hi Elizabeth,
Hope you are still holding things together. What you and Heather
described about relationships with men, has been the same with me.
Because of my fathers treatment of me and my mother I have been
uncomfortable with men to the point of hate and distrust also. I enjoy
womens company so much. I was disfunctional also as you said with girls in High School and later. When we married I couldn't be affectionate with my wife. The second year I dressed up in some of her frilly things to shock
her or so I thought. She was shocked but became to accept that part of me because I was able to share my deeper self with her when dressed.
Through therapy now I know that connecting to my feminine self I could
touch and express the tenderness in me and share with my wife.
Therapist are no better or worse than any of us. There will be good and bad and one may work and connect with one person and not another.
I asked for a woman therapist because I could never bare my soul with a
man. From the bad stories I have heard, I feel like I am one of the luckiest in the world to connect with my therapist. She cares for my
happiness and for me to find who is inside this mess. The dung pile of
my life is getting smaller and smaller thanks to her guidance and support.
Crossdressing is now a good part of me. My life long hurts and problems
have slowly became separated from crossdressing so now it is only a
wonderful expression of who I am.
I feel that you should interview the therapists. You could try to find one
that you are comfortable with. To have someone help in your hurt
and complications it would have to be someone that you feel you can trust.
Some can and have helped themselves. I tried all my life and I couldn't
heal myself. I doubt after being sucidal all these years that, bang, you will
no longer have these feelings or urges in the future. Stastically it probably
won't happen. I don't know. Always remember you are a unique
individual born into this world. You dieing would be a terrible loss to me.
I promise I will cry buckets of tears for you, but I would much more love
continuing sharing with a kindred heart!
Here's a Hug,
Take Care,
Kersten
Hope you are still holding things together. What you and Heather
described about relationships with men, has been the same with me.
Because of my fathers treatment of me and my mother I have been
uncomfortable with men to the point of hate and distrust also. I enjoy
womens company so much. I was disfunctional also as you said with girls in High School and later. When we married I couldn't be affectionate with my wife. The second year I dressed up in some of her frilly things to shock
her or so I thought. She was shocked but became to accept that part of me because I was able to share my deeper self with her when dressed.
Through therapy now I know that connecting to my feminine self I could
touch and express the tenderness in me and share with my wife.
Therapist are no better or worse than any of us. There will be good and bad and one may work and connect with one person and not another.
I asked for a woman therapist because I could never bare my soul with a
man. From the bad stories I have heard, I feel like I am one of the luckiest in the world to connect with my therapist. She cares for my
happiness and for me to find who is inside this mess. The dung pile of
my life is getting smaller and smaller thanks to her guidance and support.
Crossdressing is now a good part of me. My life long hurts and problems
have slowly became separated from crossdressing so now it is only a
wonderful expression of who I am.
I feel that you should interview the therapists. You could try to find one
that you are comfortable with. To have someone help in your hurt
and complications it would have to be someone that you feel you can trust.
Some can and have helped themselves. I tried all my life and I couldn't
heal myself. I doubt after being sucidal all these years that, bang, you will
no longer have these feelings or urges in the future. Stastically it probably
won't happen. I don't know. Always remember you are a unique
individual born into this world. You dieing would be a terrible loss to me.
I promise I will cry buckets of tears for you, but I would much more love
continuing sharing with a kindred heart!
Here's a Hug,
Take Care,
Kersten
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Caroline
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 100
- Joined: Sun May 09, 2004 2:37 pm
- Location: The Garden of England
Dear Lizzy B,
Forgive me, but I don't feel to bright this morning, which is pathetic since I'm on the verge of senile dementia as it is (joke).
I've spent half the night lying awake thinking about you, and the other half wondering why I am so concerned for you.
Some preliminaries, before I go any further:-
1. I'm no smarter than anybody else, and dumber than many.
2. If I had found the answers to my quest, I would never discovered this forum in the first place.
3. Any answers I have discovered in the 55+ years I've thought about my problems, are things that work for me, so they may not work for anyone else--and probably won't .
4. I will never intentionally do or say anything to hurt you, or anyone else for that matter.
5. You'll have to trust me on all this, even though I am a man.
6. So far, none of this is being said as well as I had worked in out during my troubled night's sleep.
When I first sought therapy, my motivation was to find a cure for my CDing and other problems. I was smart enough to know that all these things were related, but not smart enough to know what to do about them.
From the beginning I realised, firstly, that the cause of my CDing was the damage that had been done to me in my childhood, secondly, that it was that damage which led me to get into trouble with the law in my pubertal years, thirdly, that these unhappy circumstances had really f*****d me up, and fourthly, taken together these things had severly proscribed many of the opportunities in life that would otherwise have been available to me.
To say that I was angry and very bitter about all this would be an understatement; at times I felt murderously incandescent with rage!
It was hardly surprising that I'd got into trouble with the authorities at such an early age. It sounds trite, perhaps, but it really had been a cry for help, but one that went continually unnoticed, which only increased my anger and contempt for all those who had power over me.
As the years passed, I came to realise three things that became more important to me. First, I was really damaging myself by the way I felt. Second, my quest for a cure to my problems was based on the naive belief that these could be undone somehow if only I could come to terms with what my parents, and my mother in particular, had done to me. Third, I had to take responsibility for my own salvation.
It was against such a background that I had to conduct the normal aspects of life that face us all. Getting a decent job, somewhere decent to live, trying to make friends, to meet girls and form a lasting relationship...in short, trying to find love and respect for me.
It was only in my late 30s that I realised that I'd never be able to undo what had been done to me, no more than I could undo what I had done to others, and that is the hardest thing of all to realise. Now, going on 60, I have still not fully come to terms with that, and I know that I probably never will.
So, in the final analysis, what I have learned is that one has to accept reponsibility for one's self, to live the best possible life that one can, and show as much compassion to others as one would like to receive from them.
I realise that is hard, particularly when one is sufferring from near-crippling lack of self-esteem. If that is a problem, I can seriously recommend the book "Feeling Good..." by David Burns, which I referred to in another post.
All this preamble brings me back to your concluding sentence, "So am I a mess or what?"
Short answer: Yes. Considered answer: Nothing in your background can stop you living your life as a decent human-being, and there's plenty of people out there who would be only too happy to relate to you and share it with you, in some way or another.
On the subject of therapy, a good therapist knows that it has been concluded satisfactorily when the patient has 'got it'.
What do I mean by that? Well here's an apocryphal story, which is part of the Zen tradition to show aspirants the Way:-
Zen Master, to aspirant who wants to join the monastery, "What do you want from Zen?"
Aspirant, "To cure my troubled mind."
Master, "Show me your troubled mind."
At that point the aspirant 'got it', and had no need to join the monastery.
Well, I've rambled on enough now, but hopefully I've not done more harm that good.
I wish you well, Lizzy, I really do. Please keep speaking to us; I know I'm not the only one who wants to help.
Kind regards,
Caroline.
Forgive me, but I don't feel to bright this morning, which is pathetic since I'm on the verge of senile dementia as it is (joke).
I've spent half the night lying awake thinking about you, and the other half wondering why I am so concerned for you.
Some preliminaries, before I go any further:-
1. I'm no smarter than anybody else, and dumber than many.
2. If I had found the answers to my quest, I would never discovered this forum in the first place.
3. Any answers I have discovered in the 55+ years I've thought about my problems, are things that work for me, so they may not work for anyone else--and probably won't .
4. I will never intentionally do or say anything to hurt you, or anyone else for that matter.
5. You'll have to trust me on all this, even though I am a man.
6. So far, none of this is being said as well as I had worked in out during my troubled night's sleep.
When I first sought therapy, my motivation was to find a cure for my CDing and other problems. I was smart enough to know that all these things were related, but not smart enough to know what to do about them.
From the beginning I realised, firstly, that the cause of my CDing was the damage that had been done to me in my childhood, secondly, that it was that damage which led me to get into trouble with the law in my pubertal years, thirdly, that these unhappy circumstances had really f*****d me up, and fourthly, taken together these things had severly proscribed many of the opportunities in life that would otherwise have been available to me.
To say that I was angry and very bitter about all this would be an understatement; at times I felt murderously incandescent with rage!
It was hardly surprising that I'd got into trouble with the authorities at such an early age. It sounds trite, perhaps, but it really had been a cry for help, but one that went continually unnoticed, which only increased my anger and contempt for all those who had power over me.
As the years passed, I came to realise three things that became more important to me. First, I was really damaging myself by the way I felt. Second, my quest for a cure to my problems was based on the naive belief that these could be undone somehow if only I could come to terms with what my parents, and my mother in particular, had done to me. Third, I had to take responsibility for my own salvation.
It was against such a background that I had to conduct the normal aspects of life that face us all. Getting a decent job, somewhere decent to live, trying to make friends, to meet girls and form a lasting relationship...in short, trying to find love and respect for me.
It was only in my late 30s that I realised that I'd never be able to undo what had been done to me, no more than I could undo what I had done to others, and that is the hardest thing of all to realise. Now, going on 60, I have still not fully come to terms with that, and I know that I probably never will.
So, in the final analysis, what I have learned is that one has to accept reponsibility for one's self, to live the best possible life that one can, and show as much compassion to others as one would like to receive from them.
I realise that is hard, particularly when one is sufferring from near-crippling lack of self-esteem. If that is a problem, I can seriously recommend the book "Feeling Good..." by David Burns, which I referred to in another post.
All this preamble brings me back to your concluding sentence, "So am I a mess or what?"
Short answer: Yes. Considered answer: Nothing in your background can stop you living your life as a decent human-being, and there's plenty of people out there who would be only too happy to relate to you and share it with you, in some way or another.
On the subject of therapy, a good therapist knows that it has been concluded satisfactorily when the patient has 'got it'.
What do I mean by that? Well here's an apocryphal story, which is part of the Zen tradition to show aspirants the Way:-
Zen Master, to aspirant who wants to join the monastery, "What do you want from Zen?"
Aspirant, "To cure my troubled mind."
Master, "Show me your troubled mind."
At that point the aspirant 'got it', and had no need to join the monastery.
Well, I've rambled on enough now, but hopefully I've not done more harm that good.
I wish you well, Lizzy, I really do. Please keep speaking to us; I know I'm not the only one who wants to help.
Kind regards,
Caroline.
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Lizzy B
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 27
- Joined: Fri May 07, 2004 9:06 am
Thank you very much Caroline...I never meant for you to lose any sleep over me! I just don't know what to say. I began to cry when reading your latest post and feel terrible that you've had such a difficult journey all these years. Perhaps I am where you were many years ago...it is so hard to tell as each one of us has a different "story" to tell. While I made it through the teen years and twenties (thus far, but not many months to go!) without having a problem with the law, I have acted out and taken risks that I otherwise would not have taken but for all the "baggage" I've been carrying all these years. It's funny, but while I know that we're all "men" here (except the declared SO's), I really don't consider us to be the type of "man" that I have grown to despise. I know that's contradictory in some sense, but it's the "reality" I've made for myself...I feel that you and all the other men here are totally "with" me and are not a threat to me as were others in my past. I have sought to "hurt" men on several occasions when dressed en femme, and while I realize I shouldn't be doing that, the deep satisfaction and pleasure I derived from it outweighed any feeling of wrongdoing. I had a stretch a couple of years ago where I would dress to the nines and be as passable as possible (alliteration!) just to "pick up" a married man and see what I could get away with with him. I know it was stupid, wrong, and dangerous, but the thrill I derived from it brought me the most incredible satisfaction possible...deep down I knew I could place a "hurt" on a deceiving, cheating man similar to the hurt that was inflicted upon me. But I haven't done that for awhile and don't plan on doing that again...I hope.
My journey will be a long, slow one and I have no idea where it will take me. I write this totally as Lizzy, as feminine and demure as I was made to feel when just a child. It is my essence and my reality, and as you may have seen elsewhere on this board, I recently met a nice young woman who apparently has befriended me and accepts Lizzy as she is...so I take it day by day and know that each day is a step forward...please don't lose any sleep over me. Please...
My journey will be a long, slow one and I have no idea where it will take me. I write this totally as Lizzy, as feminine and demure as I was made to feel when just a child. It is my essence and my reality, and as you may have seen elsewhere on this board, I recently met a nice young woman who apparently has befriended me and accepts Lizzy as she is...so I take it day by day and know that each day is a step forward...please don't lose any sleep over me. Please...
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Julie M.
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 224
- Joined: Thu Apr 08, 2004 3:48 pm
Lizzy,
Many things you have said I have lived. When I was in my mid 20s my mother suggested I go to a counselor she had been seeing. My intent was to get rid of these intense desires I had to dress like and be a woman. I figured if I could do that I'd be perfect. (I laugh at that every time I think about it.) When I walked into his office the first time I figured get this out on the table now and let's start working on fixing the problem. He was a pretty cool guy and just let things flow but steered me towards what was really bothering me at the time. By about the 2nd or 3rd session we were talking about my relationship with my father. Through that I came to realize I was too demanding of myself and expected perfection, just like my father did. I never got rid of my transgender personality but I did learn acceptance of myself.
I have also had a time when I sought out hormones as a way to cope. Trying to find answers and solutions to this ever-nagging desire to be feminine. I came to realize that it solves nothing. Yes, they do make you think and act and eventually look more feminine but unless you are a transsexual, they won't resolve the issues going on in your head. Besides that they can cause serious health problems if you take them without a doctor's supervision. And birth control pills are more than just estrogen, there is progesterone and other chemicals in them and the amount you have to take to have feminizing effects is substantial. That means all the other chemicals in them are going into your system in overdose amounts. Find a doctor who is familiar with this and get some sound advice from him/her.
I wouldn't worry about your present marital status. I didn't get married until I was 30. What I didn't know at the time is I would be living with a woman I loved who really didn't want to acknowledge the existence of Julie. I told her before we were even engaged and she seemed okay with it. But what she heard was I liked to wear slips and silky feeling things. That was okay. She didn't hear I liked to dress up to look as much like a woman as possible. Mostly because I just did a lousy job explaining that. This is the rest of your life. Find a road that leads to happiness. When you are happy everyone around you benefits.
If I could go back in time I think I would have liked to begin HRT at puberty. I find it easier to imagine changing me than changing society's view of the transgendered. Then I could emerge with a female body and dress like I want without repercussions. Living full time as Julie is far more attractive to me than changing back and forth, especially with all the hassles of adding padding, wig, etc in order to achieve a feminine appearance. To be able to just put on the clothes I like without all the added hassle would be heaven to me. Your going full time as Lizzy made me wonder if you and I were of the same mind frame.
You are at a crossroad where you will decide the path you are going to take for the rest of your life. One of those paths leads to true happiness. It takes a very wise or lucky person to pick the right path. But doing some self-analysis and deep reflection will increase your chances of picking the right one. Good luck, Lizzy. I wish you only the best.
Love,
Julie
Many things you have said I have lived. When I was in my mid 20s my mother suggested I go to a counselor she had been seeing. My intent was to get rid of these intense desires I had to dress like and be a woman. I figured if I could do that I'd be perfect. (I laugh at that every time I think about it.) When I walked into his office the first time I figured get this out on the table now and let's start working on fixing the problem. He was a pretty cool guy and just let things flow but steered me towards what was really bothering me at the time. By about the 2nd or 3rd session we were talking about my relationship with my father. Through that I came to realize I was too demanding of myself and expected perfection, just like my father did. I never got rid of my transgender personality but I did learn acceptance of myself.
I have also had a time when I sought out hormones as a way to cope. Trying to find answers and solutions to this ever-nagging desire to be feminine. I came to realize that it solves nothing. Yes, they do make you think and act and eventually look more feminine but unless you are a transsexual, they won't resolve the issues going on in your head. Besides that they can cause serious health problems if you take them without a doctor's supervision. And birth control pills are more than just estrogen, there is progesterone and other chemicals in them and the amount you have to take to have feminizing effects is substantial. That means all the other chemicals in them are going into your system in overdose amounts. Find a doctor who is familiar with this and get some sound advice from him/her.
I wouldn't worry about your present marital status. I didn't get married until I was 30. What I didn't know at the time is I would be living with a woman I loved who really didn't want to acknowledge the existence of Julie. I told her before we were even engaged and she seemed okay with it. But what she heard was I liked to wear slips and silky feeling things. That was okay. She didn't hear I liked to dress up to look as much like a woman as possible. Mostly because I just did a lousy job explaining that. This is the rest of your life. Find a road that leads to happiness. When you are happy everyone around you benefits.
If I could go back in time I think I would have liked to begin HRT at puberty. I find it easier to imagine changing me than changing society's view of the transgendered. Then I could emerge with a female body and dress like I want without repercussions. Living full time as Julie is far more attractive to me than changing back and forth, especially with all the hassles of adding padding, wig, etc in order to achieve a feminine appearance. To be able to just put on the clothes I like without all the added hassle would be heaven to me. Your going full time as Lizzy made me wonder if you and I were of the same mind frame.
You are at a crossroad where you will decide the path you are going to take for the rest of your life. One of those paths leads to true happiness. It takes a very wise or lucky person to pick the right path. But doing some self-analysis and deep reflection will increase your chances of picking the right one. Good luck, Lizzy. I wish you only the best.
Love,
Julie
Last edited by Julie M. on Sun May 16, 2004 11:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Caroline
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 100
- Joined: Sun May 09, 2004 2:37 pm
- Location: The Garden of England
Dear Lizzy B,
I can't believe it, I just had a reply to send you when I pressed the wrong button, or something, and lost the lot! If I remember correctly, it went something like this...
It's not a penance to be kept awake caring about someone one cares about, though many people would consider it misplaced to do so for a stranger, and we are really strangers to each other, in many respects. But to take that view is to miss the whole point of the parable of the good Samaritan.
Extending compassion to a stranger makes us better people in ourselves. That is the whole paradox of altruism; there's no such thing, it's really just base self-help, but the fact that another human-being gets some benefit from it is truly wonderful, don't you think?
If all that sounds like preaching, all I can do is apologise. I do not preach, I do not believe, and I am totally un-religious.
However, if by my words or actions another human-being is made to feel a little better, for however short a period, then my life has been made better too.
One final piece of advice, if I may, Lizzy, though it is relevant to anyone else out there who thinks that it is applicable to themselves: please, please, please, do not indulge in any more self-destructive behaviour, because that is a complete and utter waste of your potential as a human-being.
I'll relinquish the soap-box now.
Kind regards, and take care,
Caroline.
I can't believe it, I just had a reply to send you when I pressed the wrong button, or something, and lost the lot! If I remember correctly, it went something like this...
It's not a penance to be kept awake caring about someone one cares about, though many people would consider it misplaced to do so for a stranger, and we are really strangers to each other, in many respects. But to take that view is to miss the whole point of the parable of the good Samaritan.
Extending compassion to a stranger makes us better people in ourselves. That is the whole paradox of altruism; there's no such thing, it's really just base self-help, but the fact that another human-being gets some benefit from it is truly wonderful, don't you think?
If all that sounds like preaching, all I can do is apologise. I do not preach, I do not believe, and I am totally un-religious.
However, if by my words or actions another human-being is made to feel a little better, for however short a period, then my life has been made better too.
One final piece of advice, if I may, Lizzy, though it is relevant to anyone else out there who thinks that it is applicable to themselves: please, please, please, do not indulge in any more self-destructive behaviour, because that is a complete and utter waste of your potential as a human-being.
I'll relinquish the soap-box now.
Kind regards, and take care,
Caroline.