Thanks Rikki, As always your insight is great. I would say that not sharing CD'ing with everyone is true we must be selective. However, not particularily wanting to wax philosophical on you, I must say that the "gift" that comes with CDing is probably meant to be shared with everyone that we come into contact with. That of our developing empathy, compassion, and love. I can only speak for myself, but as Deborah "matures," she helps me to be a lot more nurturing and understanding toward my "fellow travellers on this veil of tears."
Love ya, hon,
Deborah
New to all of this
Moderator: DonnaT
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Mandy (SO)
- Miss Crystal Goddess
- Posts: 17
- Joined: Thu May 20, 2004 2:31 am
- Location: Maryland
[quote="Gelinda"]I wish I knew my wife would like you do. But not worth it to find out been married too long to risk it plus I love her too much.
Happy Happy Gelinda[/quote]
Gelinda, far be it from me to tell you what to do. I just want to say, from experience, your wife may be more accepting than you think, but any ability she may have to accept it will be hampered by the fact that you lied about it if she does find out. And if you continue to dress, and it continues to escalate, chances are pretty good she will find out. Even if she never does, you have to live with the fact that you are spending a lifetime lying to your wife about an integral part of yourself.
I was raised very conservatively, and with a huge religious background. I also wasn't very comforatable with sex in general when we got married.
All of these things combined led my husband to believe I could never accept this part of him, but in the end we've found out love can overrule a lot of things. I've been helped a lot by realizing that he tried for a long time to shut off this part of him, but it's not like drugs or something, where you can make a conscience choice to stop. But, one of the major hurdles when I did find out, was dealing with the aspects of his lying. The fact that he felt he couldn't trust me hurt, the fact that he kept such a major part of himself hidden, led me to question our marriage in general, and it wasn't that crossdressing per se was the problem. I felt like, what kind of marriage do we have if I don't even know who my husband really is?? I had to get over all that before I could even begin to accept the actual crossdressing, so if he had been honest with me from the beginning, I could've accepted the crossdressing a lot sooner. We just had a discussion today, where he said, "How could I tell you the truth, when I didn't know it myself" so, the fact that you've started to accept it yourself is part of it. When you can come to terms with that, it will be easier for you to share it with your wife. I hope this comes off as helpful, rather than condesending, as that is really what I am trying for 
Happy Happy Gelinda[/quote]
Gelinda, far be it from me to tell you what to do. I just want to say, from experience, your wife may be more accepting than you think, but any ability she may have to accept it will be hampered by the fact that you lied about it if she does find out. And if you continue to dress, and it continues to escalate, chances are pretty good she will find out. Even if she never does, you have to live with the fact that you are spending a lifetime lying to your wife about an integral part of yourself.
I was raised very conservatively, and with a huge religious background. I also wasn't very comforatable with sex in general when we got married.
All of these things combined led my husband to believe I could never accept this part of him, but in the end we've found out love can overrule a lot of things. I've been helped a lot by realizing that he tried for a long time to shut off this part of him, but it's not like drugs or something, where you can make a conscience choice to stop. But, one of the major hurdles when I did find out, was dealing with the aspects of his lying. The fact that he felt he couldn't trust me hurt, the fact that he kept such a major part of himself hidden, led me to question our marriage in general, and it wasn't that crossdressing per se was the problem. I felt like, what kind of marriage do we have if I don't even know who my husband really is?? I had to get over all that before I could even begin to accept the actual crossdressing, so if he had been honest with me from the beginning, I could've accepted the crossdressing a lot sooner. We just had a discussion today, where he said, "How could I tell you the truth, when I didn't know it myself" so, the fact that you've started to accept it yourself is part of it. When you can come to terms with that, it will be easier for you to share it with your wife. I hope this comes off as helpful, rather than condesending, as that is really what I am trying for -
Mandy (SO)
- Miss Crystal Goddess
- Posts: 17
- Joined: Thu May 20, 2004 2:31 am
- Location: Maryland
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Kersten Lee
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 386
- Joined: Sun Feb 29, 2004 10:05 am
- Location: Central Nebraska
Mandy,
It is great to have you here. You are already contributing from your
experience and beliefs. Your attitude seems very mature. I believe
in what you were saying. Crossdressing can be a very major problem
in a marriage. The only thing I would add is that sometimes deep seated
long held beliefs or prejudice can override maturity in judgements.
If a couple have a deep and spiritual connection between them, both
will work together to have compromising solutions. Problems my wife
and I have had and do have, bares little relationship to cding. In
therapy I have learned how I have had fights and arguements with my
wife all these years that had little relationship to my real problems.
I picked subjects to conceal my real hurts and fears. I have been
learning to share the real thing. In turn my wife is loving me all new
again, learning she can trust me again.
I am feeling the reasons that I needed her so much when we were
first married. She is finding that my expression, by crossdressing, only
lets me feel what I am. Many of these traits are also why she fell for me.
I also must allow her, her feelings too, even when negative.
It has taken us 29 years to get this far, to regain what was back
then. It sounds like you have already discovered these truths.
I look forward to hearing much more from you!
Kersten
It is great to have you here. You are already contributing from your
experience and beliefs. Your attitude seems very mature. I believe
in what you were saying. Crossdressing can be a very major problem
in a marriage. The only thing I would add is that sometimes deep seated
long held beliefs or prejudice can override maturity in judgements.
If a couple have a deep and spiritual connection between them, both
will work together to have compromising solutions. Problems my wife
and I have had and do have, bares little relationship to cding. In
therapy I have learned how I have had fights and arguements with my
wife all these years that had little relationship to my real problems.
I picked subjects to conceal my real hurts and fears. I have been
learning to share the real thing. In turn my wife is loving me all new
again, learning she can trust me again.
I am feeling the reasons that I needed her so much when we were
first married. She is finding that my expression, by crossdressing, only
lets me feel what I am. Many of these traits are also why she fell for me.
I also must allow her, her feelings too, even when negative.
It has taken us 29 years to get this far, to regain what was back
then. It sounds like you have already discovered these truths.
I look forward to hearing much more from you!
Kersten
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Gelinda
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 441
- Joined: Tue May 18, 2004 8:31 pm
Mandy, Thanks a lot for your insite. I was on the edge of a knive as to or not to tell her. I am going to now. But I have one more question before I do, My wife is going the change of life an her emotions and hormores are going crazy as it is, I am wondering if I should wait as to not add another problem on her now or not.
Plus as we live mostly apart due to my work and I only see her once a month for a long weekend, should I tell her or not. O the problems of life>
Help everyone but especially you SO's on this and especially you Mandy as you have a way that I can understand, (most people tell me I am hard headed and hard hearted) Thanks everyone for making this so much easier.
Gee * * Email address not current as of 05-05-2009. Please contact SilverLady(SO) immediately! See http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/v ... php?t=9237 for further information. Thank You!! * *
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Jamie Ann
- Miss Platinum Goddess
- Posts: 334
- Joined: Wed Feb 25, 2004 7:10 pm
- Location: Athens, Georgia
Crossdressing is not like opium addiction. The urge is not so strong that it cannot be restrained, whatever the situation. You and your husband have to agree on some rules. When? Where? With whom? And so forth. These all are matters that can be negotiated.Mandy (SO) wrote:Since he has been fighting it for so long, one of the things we are afraid of is that now that he is going to try not to fight the urges, he will want to dress more and more often. ... Does more crossdressing begat more crossdressing until it is constant crossdressing, or will occasionally still most likely satisfy him?
I cannot speak for all CDs, but for me “the urge” varies. There are times when a project at work may consume most of a person’s time and energy. Likewise, there are other activities that may predominate for periods of time, including family gatherings, travel, and so forth. By the same token, though, there are times when the desire to crossdress may be stronger. Again, this should not be thought of as an addiction that cannot be adapted to the prevailing circumstances. Welcome to the forum, and best wishes!
Take care,
Jamie Ann
Jamie Ann