Crossdressers-Haven.com

Hi, I'm new. I'm the Husband of Sandi_W (SO).

I am a cross dresser. I have been this way 3/4 of my life (I'm 39) and I've always known.

I will post a little more today with a story about how it all happened & where she & I are now. I have it written in various places (numerous computers) but will combine them in just a little bit to form a more complete picture of it all.

So, here I am. Hi.

Here's the rest of the story as it is right now.

BEGIN:

Hi everyone. I'm Kelly. I'm a crossdresser and I'm here after 5 days of an emotional roller coaster with my wife. She's also here (Sandi_W (SO))

Thanks for the replies to her. They are appreciated.

What I've written here has taken place over the past few days. It's a bit scattered around so I hope nobody gets too confused.

While I haven't come completely to terms with what's happened, I am ok with myself. Being what I am, I don't really remember breaking down and sobbing like some baby because of it. It's who I am. It's 3/4 of my life. It's a release and it works for me as a sexual being.

The possible cause, well It wasn't some hugely horrible thing, but a part of it could have been considered molestation... by my older brother. That's what makes it sad in a way but, it is what it is. Right about the same time, I remember my mother dressing me and my younger brother up as girls. Wigs, hair fixtures, makeup, t-shirts with little belts, pantyhose & her shoes. It wasn't halloween & we didn't think anything of it. (remind me, I gotta go to my parents house & steal that picture)

A couple close years after that, my evolving feelings ended up being coupled to a desire to explore myself (that taboo area) and occasionally wear my moms sexy things to boot. Put those four events together and you end up with the whole person that is me now. Well rounded, manly at times, feminine at times and insanely creative.

I understand the urges, I'm used to them, they're powerful and can really take me over. It's like having another personality inside that just takes control... however I cannot predict their occurances. A question my wife asked me, which in the beginning stages of this crazy time, was "can I NOT do it?" I responded with "yes, I can control them." That's the truth, I can control it but turning it off is impossible however. It's just there and as natural to me.

I'm sure there's some trigger but I've never tried to put my finger on it. I like my mental partner, she's been with me as long as I can remember. Strippin her away from me (my feminine side) would be like taking the camera away from the photographer. It's needed, it's what makes me, me.

My wife says she accepts me. I know it will be a hit or miss thing somedays. I can understand why too. She has her own set of emotional and psychological issues. Seems like it's anger at times,(which I've read of) then insecurities, (which I've read of) then other things. (which I've read of and personally know will happen), then doubt, mistrust, the list goes on. She has her own set of problems and was a victim of much more than I've ever experienced. So, she's not a typical wife. She was abused on many levels. Her trust is gone and was gone well before we met. Now, what I've done has turned into a very personal attack on her.. to her. I'm really trying not to provoke anything that will start the emo-coaster in motion. It seems like she's trying though and I am too.

What I've done was hard to do for me personally, opening myself up like that nearly killed me but something inside said "do it", so I did. Everything one might read is nearly spot-on when it comes to describing what it's like for me. Some right, some not right... but in general it's the usual story.

A part of me wishes she understood that it's nothing to be scared of. I'm not leaving her, I'm not gay and have no intentions of doing anything. I am the same guy she married. It really changes nothing for me other than I hurt her. It really changes things for her... and that's where the problem is. It's my problem too because it's our relationship. I have caught myself nearly trying to just push through all the emotions and get her to just move on with it but it's not that simple for her. I am working to better understand this.

During the "coming out" process, I went a little further. You see, I'm an artist and photographer too. I absolutely love the female form and sexual imagery. I do look at porn but it's not every day, not every week. Sometimes it'll be a few days of it, then off for a month, maybe on the weekend.... I never know. It's about the same frequency that the "Feeling" comes over me actually. It sometimes feels like "that time of the month" in a way. Anway, the letter to her detailed my childhood, moved into my teenage years where I developed further, then moved into now. What I'd done with my dressing was to dress up a bit and photograph myself. There's never a face in the photos, just the lower half because I was trying to create erotic photography. Well, I did accomplish it and it looked great... but when I showed her, it wasn't good. It hurt her and I knew it. But, I'd already let the cat out of the bag so on we went.

I don't get off on my own images. It's impossible. It was an attempt at sexual & sensual artwork. I've got a great behind and with the right photo, the right light, the right computer edit, it can become art. But that's just the artist & photographer in me.

Afterwards, we got into many discussions and they went in all directions. I tried to remain positive and remember that I'm the same guy. The same guy she married. As if to hold myself together.

In short, it's concessions now. I agreed with her that it would be nothing lacy or too girly, yet I could continue to wear (under-dress). Not that I wear stockings & garter belts with any regular frequency anyway... She said that's ok and I agreed to do it. Still, there's a bit of a road ahead here... but hey, that was really great of her to be somewhat okay with it I think. I'm exstatic that I can still wear. (it's just under my clothes)

On the lines of "support," I feel I must mention my feelings here. I do not feel I need alot of help. I feel our relationship needs help and I know it's hurt her. She's hurt because I didn't tell her long ago. She feels betrayed and that I've lied to her. While on some level this is true, anyone with my particular condition (and any writings on the subject) will tell you, I just couldn't. I couldn't. It's too embarassing. It's was too hard to bring it up.

I will try, make concessions and see where it goes. I'm just a guy with a really feminine side. On the street, you'd never guess I had on some simple womens underwear. I think that's part of the fun of it. It's secret down there and it's fun to hide it from the public.

Now it's been 5 days since I told my wife about my past & who I am now. I'm her husband of 10 years and we've known each other for 12.

I will admit that I made the mistake of not telling her in the beginning but what's done is done.

These past few days have really been an emotional trip but here we are at a point where it's feeling like a new beginning. We've had sex 3 times in the past few days too and it was awesome. She still has feelings of inadequecy and whether I still want her but slowly, I think she'll be ok with it. I hope.

Yesterday, we went shopping, just the two of us. No kids, just us. We got stuff for ourselves and she was ok with me getting some girly underwear. Store after store, she looked for stuff for her. It was fun to be included here because I got to say what was cute & what was not. As we passed the lingerie areas, I'd look and she'd be ok with certain things, maybe not with others, but I got something. She didn't take it from me and I respect her for that. I am excited... way excited. We shopped.

We agreed that I won't dress while in the bedroom together as she just can't get past that part. I'm good with it because I want her, not a man. We have our "nasty sex" nights and always have so it's good in that area. We have had a very active & creative sex life and the flame is still burning bright.

I'm sure it's not over and some "shaky" days will be ahead but I think we're on the right track.

A few nights ago, although I didn't want it, and I shook a bit inside when I found out, she's told one of her friends about it. In the comotion, I'd forgotten that I said it's ok to tell anyone she felt like. I know her friend and it's really embarassing to know that someone else knows, this secret I've held for 30 years but I will be ok with it. I am who I am and proud of it. She also told her Daughter last night. Her daughter is 21 years old and is from her prior marriage and lives with us. I didn't want it but in the interst of her being ok and having someone to confide in, I said ok. I teared up a bit in fear but in hindsight, it should be good for all of us. Do you know what her Daughter did? Her daugher just looked at her mother and said "It's just underwear." She further said she could understand the hurt because I'd not told sooner. But overall, didn't see the problem. I guess it has something to do with society & acceptance too.

I have my feminine side, she knows it and it's part of everything I am. I'm not gay and have never had the urge for that... nor do I wish to become a woman. It's just not there.

Thanks for understanding, my wonderful wife. My mind is soaring and I know yours is too. I feel accepted, and my inside partner isn't so scared right now. She's content.

Kelly

Hi, Kelly, and welcome to the forum! That's quite an introduction, and a very interesting read.

We look forward to your participation!

- SL

HI Kelly,

Welcome and thanks for sharing. I guess you realize by now the initial reaction by most SO's is basically the same. There are those that of course throw their hands in the air and go running off into the night screaming - fortunately they are few and far between (I was married to one of those but that is another story). The one's that have the strength of character and love usually ask the same question first. "Are you gay?" If you able to convince them that that is not the case then the trouble can start and it is not so much the crossdressing, but it is that you hide something from them - doesn't seem to matter what, it is just that they were not aware of something going on in the relationship. The strength of the relationship then comes into play and just how open minded the SO is. Some like yours have enough of an inquisitive mind to perhaps try and save the relationship and do so by trying to learn about this, for lack of a better term, this new woman in her life!

I can't say it will be easy from now on, but it can add so much to a relationship and in other cases, it is just tolerated. You trip is just beginning and I hope you two can find common ground in your acceptance of each other.

We are here to help and support both of you and wish for you only the best. Let us know how things are progressing.

Virginia

welcome Kelly, you'll find acceptance here. your introduction is an interesting story and different than mine, but the feelings....those are pretty much identical. again, welcome.

Kelly, welcome to you and again to your wife. I am so glad that the two of you can work together to get through the issues. I am glad that your realize that you will need to do some extra compromising on your part for awhile. You need to work extra hard to gain back the confidence of your wife. It is not fun but it can be done. Go out of your way to do things for her that she likes and things to make her more confident in you. Get out on some dates with her. Hire a sitter if you need to.

And above all keep the communication open and flowing both directions. Kelly you may not have all of the answers for your wife as most of us do not. But actively work for some type of answer for her and yourself. And some of the answers may come over time, so it is ok to say you do not have an answer not. But right it down so you can tell her the answer when you figure it out, even if she is with you.

And finally, if you come to a tough point to get through, do not be afraid to get professional help. A bit of relationship counseling would be good for most marriages.

Good luck and look forward to your both participating in the forum.

kimberlys-cd
joe in a skirt

Hi Kelly
Welcome to the forum from me across the pond . Say Hi again to Sandi for me. This forum and the girls here are just about the best bunch of people you are likely to meet .
Kay

Hi Kelly, to the forum.

It's good to see you both here and working on your relationship. It can take a while, so don't expect miracles. My wife has known for about 33 yrs now, and we are still working on it.

hi Kelly, and welcome. It was quite a introduction, but I am glad you felt comfortable enough to share it with us.

Leeza

Hello Kelly and welcome to the group. I hope that both you and your SO contribute and find answers to your journey.

Hi Kelly and welcome to the forum.

Thank you for such an interesting introduction. Sounds like you have your head screwed on right and know where you're going. The important thing is maintaining your sensitivity and patience with Sandi as she navigates these troubling waters for the forseeable future. Obviously she has to reconcile with what you have "dropped" on her and I'm sure in time, things will become clearer for her and for your relationship. She needs others to talk to, so don't fret too much about her friend and her daughter knowing. Hopefully she'll find more friends here who can offer her advice and support as and when she needs it. There will be difficult days ahead but you said you were insanely creative so you should be able to find ways to help Sandi and you through them.

Best of luck to you both.

Stephanie

Hi Kelly:
Besure to give your wife a good hug tonight and every night and remind her how much you love and appreciate her. You need to continue to do that forever.

Hello Kelly, thanks for a open and frank intro, I hope it works for you both

and a warm welcome to the forum

Hi Kelly,

Welcome to the group. I enjoyed reading your story, I think that you will enjoy the friends that you will meet here.

Fran