Hi :) Hoping to learn more about my SO's crossdressing

Merryn (SO) · Post by **Merryn (SO)** » Fri May 07, 2010 3:42 am

Hi all

I am in my 20s and have recently learned that my long term partner is engaging in male-female crossdressing.

I have had very mixed feelings about his CDing but I am feeling really alone because I have nobody I can talk to about it (I owe it to him not to "out" him to any of our friends - most of whom are mutual). He is being really defensive and gets angry at me when I try to ask him questions, suggest he dress with me (so I can help him with makeup etc) or seek reassurance.

My initial reaction was one of fear because we live in a repressive society and I initially believed that CDing was synonymous with homosexuality and that I was losing the man I love (I have since done some reading which has dispelled this myth).

I am hoping to find some friendship and advice here whilst I learn more about this part of who my partner is.

Hope you are all well
*hugs*

Susan · Post by **Susan** » Fri May 07, 2010 4:56 am

Hi Merryn

Welcome to the forum, I am sure you have come the the right place here. As a long time crossdresser who I am (I think) a fairly typical example. I can assure you that many of the myths you may have heard are simply not true.

I have been married to my wife for 24 years and we have a grown up son and daughter. I told my then girlfriend about Susan before we got married. Yes she had lots of questions, the first of which always seems to be "Are you gay?" I can assure you that I and 90+% of us are not gay. I have never cheated on my wife and I do go out into the world dressed with so far no problems what so ever.

I don't have an agenda or master plan as to where I want to go with this. I am there now as I have always been. Susan is a part of the greater me and she has helped me a lot in becoming a more caring, loving husband and father than I think I would without her. I view this as a gift not a problem.

There is much more I could tell you but come to the chat room sometime and speak to my sisters and I there. Don't be shy, we are there to help everyone.

Best wishes

Post by **DonnaT** » Fri May 07, 2010 7:30 am

Hi Merryn,

to the forum.

SilverLady(SO) · Post by **SilverLady(SO)** » Fri May 07, 2010 11:47 pm

Hi, Merryn, and welcome to the Forum!

- SL

Davita · Post by **Davita** » Sat May 08, 2010 7:38 am

Hi Merryn, I suspect you will not be alone anymore; welcome to the Forum.

I have some additional reading material is you wish; some additional support.

Look towards the bottom of my web page, http://davita-farley.webs.com/reference/refs2.html. My web site has an e-mail link to me if you want some of the "other side's" perspective. You can ask me anything. In addition, you know of the chat and the rest of the forums here.

It's going to be okay.

Rony · Post by **Rony** » Sat May 08, 2010 7:59 am

Merryn
First welcome to the group.
You might want to try the link below.
This is the sight I will offer my SO should I ever get the nerve to tell my secret, or as will ultimately happen she will discover my secret.
I don't know the HTML code to make it an active link so you will have to copy and paste.

http://dixie-darling.angelfire.com/index.html

Thanks for trying to understand.
Rony

Carol Ann · Post by **Carol Ann** » Sat May 08, 2010 8:31 am

Hugs Merryn and welcome,

From your post I would take it you are a GG as your name doesn't say so.
There is a section for GG only where you can talk to other women about things they have been through with their husbands dressing and how they handled or cope with it.

You will find this a very friendly place and great people here to talk to.

Kyra · Post by **Kyra** » Sat May 08, 2010 10:43 am

Hi Merryn,
Welcome!
You'll find many friendly people here who are upfront about their relationships and feelings. (myself included) There's also a "Search" function on this forum that you can use to find information on any number of topics.

I hope we can help you understand crossdressing a little better.

Hugs,
Kyra

Leeza · Post by **Leeza** » Mon May 10, 2010 12:33 pm

Hi, Merryn, and welcome.

You have found a place where we are a family and as such try to help our members and the community at large.

As you are probably finding out there is a lot of information in the posts and if you come into the chat room you will find that there is not much we won't talk about especialy if it will help one of our members.

IMHO it sounds as though your partner has not accepted the CDing part of himself. Until I accepted myself I very much tried to hide it. It was only after accepting myself that I have been able to feel that it is a gift instead of a curse.

In looking back over my life, I am now glad I am a CD. It has helped me deal with a lot of the problems of raising kids. (I am not refering to the dressing part here as much as the mental part.) After I came out to my daughters, they realized that they had been able to talk to Dad about anything and he was understanding and they attributied that to the fact that I am a CD even though they weren't aware of it at the time. They and their friends felt ok about discussing things with me that they couldn't discuss with their Moms or other Dads.

I want to thank you for being one who is willing to accept and help.

Leeza

Merryn (SO) · Post by **Merryn (SO)** » Tue May 11, 2010 12:26 am

Hi Girls..

Thank you all for your kind words and useful information. I look forward to discussing many things with you and gettting to know you all a bit better.

Best wishes
Merryn

Jean · Post by **Jean** » Tue May 11, 2010 12:26 pm

Since your partner is still defensive about your mentioning his crossdressing, it might be a good idea to wait until you have reason to believe that he is IN THE MOOD to crossdress, before mentioning the subject to him. Once he's in the mood (turned on by the idea of dressing up) he may be much more receptive and willing to talk to you about it.

When we're in denial, we tend to want to believe (even to ourselves) that we have gotten over it, and don't really want to dress anymore. Then, when the mood hits us, we're much more receptive to talking about it, and in fact, it is then that we most urgently need acceptence.

Jean

Kimberly Kael · Post by **Kimberly Kael** » Tue May 11, 2010 1:03 pm

Welcome, Merryn! You've found a wonderful place to get some additional insight and support and I hope you feel comfortable asking all the questions that occur to you. There will doubtless be different answers from people with different backgrounds, but getting to know some of the variability is just as important as finding out about the general truisms. So make yourself at home and we'll look forward to getting to know you.

Crossing gender boundaries is such a well-established taboo that your partner is doubtless struggling with embarrassment and shame issues. There's not necessarily going to be a right time to bring up the subject with him because he's processing a lot right now. Everyone is different, but if I were him I'd find the most comfort in you not making a big deal of it, in realizing that he's not alone - that there are tons of other people out there who understand something of what he's feeling, and in recognizing that he's still completely in control of his own destiny. Enjoying dressing up doesn't necessarily mean anything except that he enjoys dressing up.

I dabbled in cross-dressing through my 20s, and only started to learn what it meant to me in my mid to late 30s. By the time I was 40 it was clear I wanted to live as a woman full-time, but that's my story and it isn't the path many follow. Incidentally, my wife and I are still happily married and we're just figuring out what it's like to be perceived by the rest of the world as a lesbian couple. Life can certainly take you strange places.

Lacy Mitchell · Post by **Lacy Mitchell** » Wed May 12, 2010 6:16 pm

hey merryn he might be alot like me its hard to answer questions when you are not sure of the answer to start with. my wife wanted to know why i wanted clothes and make up but would never let her see any thing on me and i thought why cant i stop this and be normal.but iam normal just different and coming to terms with myself lacy

Laura Bird · Post by **Laura Bird** » Thu May 20, 2010 3:48 pm

Hi Merryn,

This place is a pretty good one for insight and information. I'm not all that active on here but everyone has been very warm and welcoming. My wife is a member here (though I don't think she's posted yet.)

From his perspective, it sometimes can be difficult to answer the questions. I know sometimes it is for me. My wife has asked me a LOT of questions over the last 2 years or so that she has known - and at times it was difficult to answer. He may still be coming to grips with it himself. I know for me, it's just something I've always done in secret for almost as long as I can remember. Since it was just me, and it was secret, I never really had to answer questions about it - I just did it because it felt good. *shrug*

Realize that if he's most likely kept this a secret his whole life - just doing it in front of someone will feel awkward, even if you are his wife/fiancee/girlfriend or whatever. I've been dressing in front of my wife for a couple years now (off/on... my urge to do it comes and goes with the seasons usually) and only recently did it NOT feel strange. It took me a LONG time to feel comfortable with it. So give him time to come into it. I think the trick might be to know when to push. For me, I wanted her involved, I wanted her to help, but same thing - she'd offer, and I'd decline. I was afraid I think of the awkwardness that I was convinced would follow. Really only after my wife kinda pushed me a little did I come around - and she was good about pushing, then backing off, and letting me come around to the same decision later.

I think something that helped break the ice for my wife and I: shopping. She hit up the local goodwill one day when I was at work and bought a TON of clothes (and she found some really really great, current, stylish stuff... I will never doubt goodwill again!) I came home, she had a "surprise" for me. Ultimately, the urge and desire to try on some of the things she had purchased for me outweighed the fear of the awkwardness... and off I went.

Since, she's helped me with makeup, a wig, a bunch of outfits - we've bonded over it, and honestly I still can't believe how (IMO) beautiful I feel I look when she's done with me.

Just give it time. My wife and I have a great relationship and it still took years to get to this point. Be patient, don't rush it. YOU need to be sure you're comfortable with it too - it will be pretty devastating to him if you push and push to get involved, and then when he finally lets you in, you have a bad reaction to it. Been there, done that.

Good luck!

Zeta · Post by **Zeta** » Sun May 23, 2010 7:57 am

Hi Merryn

I'm 74 years old, married to a wonderful woman for 47 years, and enjoy crossdressing to some extent. The only thing that bothered me a little was that your husband got 'angry' when you tried to ask him questions. I do hope he gets over this quickly. Accommodation needs patience and understanding, not anger.

My wife and I have a wonderful relationship. She sews and has made me feminine tap-pants and nighties and gives me her bras that have stretched too big for her.

With age she is becoming a little touchy with others, and rather than chance her becoming impatient with me I've stopped wearing skirts and nighties and bras (for the most part) and mostly just underdress (partly in male lingerie by Crossdress.com) and wear women's low-rise jeans, side-zipper slacks and shorts.

Living my feminine side is a pleasant and comforting aspect of my life. I'm really enjoying it in my retirement years.

Zeta