Hello, Dixie.
First of all, a great big WELCOME.
I suspect from the information that you have given is that your husband has been given an inch, and is now taking a mile.
To an extent, agree with CharLee. Where I disagree is that you should be brutally frank. Firm, honest and open, but not brutal. You must make your feelings clear to him. He NEEDS to know that he seems to be becoming a bit obsessive, and that frankly, this is putting a strain on your relationship.
You are clearly confused and under pressure, and you need some breathing space
Most of all you need to clarify your thoughts and long term needs before you make a decision you might later regret, and for this reason, I am going to suggest that you would benefit greatly from a course of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It is a form of therapy that addresses problems in a direct and targeted way and is brief compared with most other therapies.
CBT is based on the fact that what we think in any given situation generates beliefs about, and reactions to that situation, and also cause the behavior and feelings which flow from those beliefs and reactions.
These ‘automatic thoughts’ are so fast that generally, we are unaware that we have even had them. We call them ANTS (automatic negative thoughts) for short.
If the pattern of thinking we use, or our beliefs about our situation are even slightly distorted, the resulting emotions and actions that flow from them can be extremely negative and unhelpful. The object of CBT is to identify these ‘automatic thoughts’ then to re-adjust our thoughts and beliefs so that they are entirely realistic and correspond to the realities of our lives, and that therefore, the resulting emotions, feelings and actions we have will be more useful and helpful.
Cognitive therapists do not usually interpret or seek for unconscious motivations but bring cognitions and beliefs into the current focus of attention and through guided discovery encourage clients to gently re-evaluate their thinking.
Therapy is not seen as something “done to” the client. CBT is not about trying to prove a client wrong and the therapist right, or getting into unhelpful debates. Through collaboration, questioning and re-evaluating their views, clients come to see for themselves that there are alternatives and that they can change.
Clients try things out in between therapy sessions, putting what has been learned into practice, learning how therapy translates into real life improvement.
Please visit this website for much more detailed information on CBT:
http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthin ... s/cbt.aspx" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
I am not suggesting this because there is anything 'wrong' with you, but because it is a good way to ensure that you are thinking clearly and that any decisions you make about your future are reasoned ones.
Secondly, please make sure you keep communications very open and honest. When you do talk to him about your feelings, make sure that you are simply representing to him how his behavior affects you. Avoid blame. Use "I" statements - like "I feel more and more under-mined by the way our marriage is going" rather than "You" statements like "You are too wrapped up in your cross-dressing fantasies to take any notice of me"
You should try to be gentle, but firm. Tell him exactly what your needs and wants are, and ask him how you might both be able to incorporate those into your relationship. I also thin k that some couple counseling would help you both.
Finally, Dixie, don't give up. It may be that you cannot ultimately resolve this ( and I hope so much that you can), but it has got to be worth taking a stand, surely.
Hugs,
Amanda
to the forum, it's nice to meet you 
. 