Hi from an SO from down under.

[SeansRach(SO)]

Hi and thank you for this forum. I have a feeling that this is going to be long.

My name is Rachael and my partner is Sean. These aren't our real names but we feel safer using our pet names. Sean and I have been together just over 18 months now. He has 2 previous marriages and I have 1.

A week ago this would have been a very angry and resentful introduction as I was pretty much full of fear over how his CDing was going to change our lives. This week I have learnt that I can be ok with his other side in our lives as long as we keep talking and compromising and being totally honest.

I have known that he had feminine tendencies since day 1. He openly confessed to only wearing womens jeans and g-string and perfume soon after we met. I felt it was a bit strange but it wasnt really a big deal to me. He was dealing with a lot of long buried pain from being sexually abused by a male cousin as a child at the time we met and this sort of took over our relationship (nightmares therapy) and became the focus for the first 6 months or so. We built up a lot of trust and our love and caring for each other just deepened.

During this time he sometimes liked to wear my short denim shorts and sarongs and I could see him adopt another personality that wasnt unattractive to me but at the same time it was a bit scary having a whole other 'him' in our relationship.

As for my history, my parents were never shy about telling both my sister and I that they wanted sons. My dad was a drunk and my mother was not at all feminine. We grew up in a semi rural setting so wearing dresses and skirts was something that was only done on special occasions. My parents friends all had sons so they were our peers and playmates. I used to envy the boys their penises and by the time I was 10 I had already discovered my fathers porn and was regularly playing sexual games with the boys and our neighbours male sons. I dont remember ever having a Barbie doll but I do remember my first bmx bike for Christmas.

The only girls I ever knew back then were the same as me. There was an older sister of one of the boys and when a young teen we would visit them and I would sit in her room with her watching her play with make up and knowing it was something I should have wanted to do too but it was all totally foreign to me and looked complicated and scary.

Anyway back to the present. After my husband and I divorced I spent a lot of years trying to become more girly and what men wanted...I have a great girls body (I guess I should be grateful for) and it always attracted attention and I tried to learn the makeup thing but I felt I failed at being girl so I just accepted I was a tomboy, which society also seemed to accept.

Sean and I met via an internet dating site and it was literally love at first sight. God we were even dressed in similar outfits that night. With my issues and him dealing with abuse we became each others support and friend very quickly. His crossdressing became less of an issue as the months wore on but sometimes I would question a behavior or clothing choice and it would make him defensive and he would point out that I wasnt exactly typical either. He would buy ladies knee high boots online and bring them home and almost dare me to have an issue with it. Well of course I did, it wasnt 'normal' behavior yet to him it totally was.

Our sex life is definitely not the norm. I had always wished I had a penis. Then a few years ago I discovered they made strap ons. I had a playmate before meeting Sean and he let me use it on him once and I loved it. Sean is bisexual and as we got to know each other it became apparent that we had found someone who could accept and indulge each other. We role reverse often and both love giving the other so much pleasure. We have had a others join us and to us it just means more ways of giving each other pleasure.

Three weeks ago it all finally came to a head. I am on a hormone rollercoaster that made me...well a total bitch..and I had found a sex toy he had bought himself and hidden away. This sex toy was extremely threatening to me. Also the fact that he had kept it secret really hurt. We ended up having a horrible fight that did get physical and said the most hurtful things possible to each other. I threw his crossdressing at him and begged him to just tell me the truth about it. He denied he was again and thankfully left to go visit his sister for the long weekend.

When he came home we were both wary of each other but our deep love for each other was undeniable. We sat down and he apologised for not being honest about his CDing and yes thats what he was. I have known all along and he finally understood that it wasnt that he was that was my problem, it was that he couldnt be honest with me or himself about it. We cried and talked and it feels so good that there are no more secrets between us.

He went shopping and bought himself some lingerie. I was very nervous to see him in it and was overcome by feelings of not being girl enough for him and imaginings of him wanting to become fully a girl. We were both so scared. That night I asked him to put it on. He had bought me a beautiful bra and gstring set too so we turned it into a playing dress up thing. I helped him put his bra on and with his long hair it did look gorgeous. He said I look beautiful in what he bought me and we ended up holding each other in our lingerie and giggling about it all.

The next day we drove in to the city to wander through the malls and we found a sexy as hell little black dress that I just had to buy him. We got home and he couldnt wait to try it on. His feminine side was bursting to come out and he dissapeared into the other room and got dressed.


When he walked out it took my breath away. He looked sooooo good. The motor racing was on tv and while I watched it (he only watches it cause I love it) I encouraged him to go play with our makeup. He was like a kid at Christmas. It was so sweet to see him so excited and happy.

This last week I have had ups and downs with being ok with it. I still need my man but can not deny that he has something totally girl inside him. This isnt a fetish, he has been this way since he was 3 years old and his sister dressed him up in her dolls clothes.

I work in a totally blue collar world, I wear steel cap boots and run the nightshift in a paper recycling mill. He is at the top of his field in the white collar world. Last night he put on his girls clothes and I put on my strap on and work clothes and I made love to my man. I never thought we would ever be so content. I have asked that he saves the makeup for special occasions and am quietly arranging for a stylist to come and give us both lessons. Him coming out has in a way made it easier for me to now want to explore my own feminine side. We are both learning how to be ok with sometimes being a girl.

I have spent the last couple of weeks reading your stories and learning about him and myself and finally had the nerve to register and post this introduction. Neither of us feel like we fit in to the world out there. We have both felt like freaks our whole lives. We don't have a name for his other side. Just as we dont have a name for mine. We are just us. I hope that is ok with you all. Sean knows about this wonderful place and I am not going to push him to join but I hope he does.

Saying all this out loud has lifted an incredible weight. Sorry if I offend anyone with my straight way of speaking but so much thanks for having somewhere like this where I feel we might finally belong.

Best wishes to everyone!

Rach.

[GalicianGirl(SO)]

Hi Rachael,
Welcome to our forum... Glad you decided to join us. I hope your partner decides to join our little group also.

Sharon(SO)

[Caith]

Rachel, yours is an incredible story of ups and downs, twists and turns, but there is one continuous theme throughout: your love for each other. That you both worked towards better communication and understanding proved you both wanted a better and stronger relationship. Sadly a lot of couples never get half that far.

Congratulations on your love and appreciation of each other. Please continue to share with us all here, and encourage Sean to sign up, too.

[Roberta-Llyan]

Know I am one who supports you and happy you were willing to share your Self with us. I imagine the two of you still have a lot of rough roads ahead of you as you both continue to explore the world with each other. So remember your love and let that be your daily guide in all you do with each other.

Hugs

Have a beautiful day.

[SilverLady(SO)]

Hi, Rachel, and a huge welcome to the Forum . . . we're looking forward to your participation!

- SL

[DonnaT]

Hi Rachel, to the forum.

Remember, what ever happens, just keep talking to each other, calmly.

[Lori A]

hello Rach & Sean from The Land Down Under. And thanks for sharing your life experiences with us here on this forum. We look forward to having you participating in our growth and development as you are with Sean as I and I'm sure many others here are looking for GG's to help us do that without any negative judgmentalism

[Kay]

Hi Rachel (and Sean)
Welcome to this wonderful forum from me across the globe . This is such a lovely place. It gets serious sometimes and rightly so but there are also a lot of and plenty of to be had as well. So dive in.

Kay

[TerriLynn]

Hello and welcome to both of ya'll from a Texas girl. I hope you will both enjoy our home here, and please encourage Sean to join too.

Terrilynn

[Frances Jewell]

Hi Rachel
Welcome to our group. We have a very friendly and open group, please don't hesitate to join our discussions and start your own. Its always important to talk and you have been very open about that. Enjoy your visits with us.

Love

Fran

[Lucy Michelle]

Hello Rachel, look forward to your contributions. I hope you enjoy your time here.

[Virginia]

Hi Rachel,

Hope you stay and participate. It ain't easy is it? BUT as has been said, the key, and you two have found it is communication. So keep talking and sharing with each other.

I hope you can find the contentment that Virginia and my SO have found. As my SO is fond of saying - "I have no complaints - I have the best of both worlds!" As do I!

Love,

Virginia

[CJ]

Hi Rachel,

I bid you welcome, from another part of the Commonwealth. I'm glad you decided to join us and to post. As my sisters here have said, it's crucial that you and Sean keep the lines open between yourselves; while honest communication may not fix everything, it often prevents things from deteriorating.

I look forward to hearing more from you. May the time you spend here be fun, informative, and beneficial.

Again, welcome!

Love,
CJ

[Absaroka]

Hi Rachael and Welcome. I hope you will find some of the answers you may be looking for here.

I enjoyed reading your description of you Sean. I had a few comments about it. I will stick to what I know.

I have a woman friend who reminds me a bit of how you describe yourself. Very attractive but not at all girly. She regularly finds her relationships with men coming to grief because she is more "manly" than them. I experience her as a very warm and loving person who I feel very comfortable with and have great admiration for. I guess what I am getting at is that just because you don't fit societies percieved norm for feminimity that does not make you any less of a woman. I put a post here a couple of years ago about my grandmother who spent her life in the north woods here in the states. She was like most other women who lived there-tougher than most men. She had to be. I gather from what you say that where you grew up this was partly true also. Of course this does not address the fact that you often wished you had a penis and wished you were a man. Maybe you too have some transgender stuff going on. Who knows, and it is presumptuous for me to even hazard a guess.

I also grew up with 2 parents who were drunks. It can be a painful and confusing experience. Among other things it gave me a bizarre sense of what normal is. Although I still don't know if there even is such a thing as normal, if there is, it is not what I thought it was. I found that in adult life I had to be willing to reexamine a great many things.

One of the things I had to look at very hard was my thoughts about anger and violence. Because to be blunt, in my family, violence and anger worked. They were good ways to get what you wanted and to protect yourself. So I had to learn other ways to do this. In particular I had to learn that when I am feeling threatened that I need to not immediately move in all out fight or flight mode. I also needed to learn how to know when to trust someone.

It sounds to me like both you and Sean are somewhat out of the mainstream in terms of what we at least think society tells us we ought to be. There is no value judgement attached to this, it is neither good nor bad. It seems to be partly due to the hand nature has dealt you and nature is morally neutral. It just is. However the way we conduct ourselves is not morally neutral. I have found that when I treat others with love and respect I am able to believe that I have acted in a moral way. It sounds like this is what you and Sean are also doing with each other and hopefully in your dealings with the rest of the world.

It also sounds like you and Sean have the potential to be God's gift to each other. Of course you have not mentioned any religious beliefs and I do not mean to offend you with that. It is just my way of thinking about the people who are important to me. It sounds like you are both making real efforts to do things which are difficult for you in order to express the love that you have for each other, and I hope you will not allow yourself to become discouraged in this. For both of you, the person you are is not a reflection of something lacking in the other person. That is something it seems wives of crossdressers often feel-how do I compete with another woman when he IS the other woman.

Anyway I hope you will continue to participate here and I am hoping to hear more from you.

Absaroka

[KimberlyS]

Welcome Rachael and to your Sean. Glad you could join us. You have a great story and it is so great to see the results of good communication. I look forward to hearing more from you both.

kimberlys-cd
joe in a skirt