THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #2

[Dalindra]

A man goes to his doctor and says "Doc you have to help me! I fart all the time. They are silent and don't smell but it is so embarassing"

The doctor gives him a perscription and tells him to come back in a week.

A week goes by and the man is back "Doc I don't know what you gave me but I am still farting as much but now they smell horrible!"

The doctor says " Now that we have cleared up your sinuses lets work on your hearing"

[Dalindra]

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care

[Dalindra]

I very rich man finds out he has 3 months to live so he calls in his 3 closest advisors a doctor, a clergyman and a lawer.

He says to them " they say you cannot take it with you but I want to try"
He hands all 3 a package with $100,000 each. and tells them I want you to throw this into my grave when it is time.

After the funeral the 3 are in the car heading back. The clergyman says I muxt confess I have $25,000 of that to the childrens hospital for the needy"

The doctor says " I must confess I gave $50,000 to a man who needed an operation he could not afford"

Thw lawer said " I am ashamed of both of you! I threw in a check for the full amount!"

[SilverLady(SO)]

Pope Benedict XVI and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

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So the Pope slapped her.

[DonnaT]

A fellow walks into a pet store and asks to buy a canary. The proprietor replies, "I'm fresh out, but I DO have a parakeet." The customer insists on a canary, until the shop owner informs him that a parakeet can be made to sound like a canary if one files the beak just so. "But be careful not to file too much off, or the parakeet will drown when he goes to take a drink of water." The potential customer decides that this is complete bullshit, but thanks the shop owner politely and leaves, sans parakeet.

He goes into another pet shop and asks for a canary -- no luck. "But", says the shop owner, "I do have a parakeet, and if you file the beak just so, it can be made to sound just like a canary." He goes on to explain that filing off too much beak will jeopardize the bird's life, due to the potential for drowning when he takes a drink. The fellow finally decides that there is some merit to these claims and buys the parakeet. "Besides", he thinks to himself, "parakeets are much cheaper."

His next stop is a hardware store, where he wanders into the file section, holding his recently purchased bird. The owner wanders by and asks of he needs some help. The new bird owner sheepishly explains how he intends to make his parakeet sing like a canary.

The hardware store owner knowingly picks up a file and hands it to him. "Here, a Nichols #2 bastard file. But be careful not to file too much off, or the poor beastie might drown." The bird and file owner thanks the hardware store owner and leaves for home.

A few weeks later, the bird owner wanders into the hardware store. The owner, recognizing him, asks how he made out with the parakeet. The fellow looks down and sadly reports "Bird's dead".

The hardware store owner shares his sorrow and asks "Filed off too much beak?"

To which the former bird owner replies "Nah, he was dead when I took him out of the vice."

[Tracy W]

A zero was walking through the desert and came across a eight.

The eight said, "Hi."

The zero said, "How can you wear a belt in this heat?!?"

[Sally]

Patient says to psychiatrist, “ I have this uncontrollable urge to cover myself in gold paint.

Psychiatrist replies,” Hmmmmmm, it’s a classic case of a gilt complex.”

…………………………….

What do you name a camel with no humps?

Humphrey.

[Carol Elizabeth]

2009 U.S. Economy

The economy is so bad that CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Jewish women are marrying for love.

Even people who had nothing to do with the Obama administration aren't paying their taxes

If the bank returns your check marked “Insufficient Funds”, you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

Obama met with small businesses to discuss the Stimulus Package: GE, Pfizer, and Citigroup.

McDonalds is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truck of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

The most highly paid job now is jury duty.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

People in Africa are donating money to Americans.

Mothers in Ethiopia are telling their kids, “Finish your plate, do you know how many kids are starving in the US ?”

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

The Bernard Madoff scandal made $50 billion disappear - nothing compared to Congress who made $750 billion disappear!

[Carol Elizabeth]

Deodorant

I got this new deodorant today. The instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.




I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells awesome!!!!

[April]

Miss Beatrice,

The church organist was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'

Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

[Virginia]

Not only is that one properly placed it also goes right into my Top 10!
Thanks,

Virginia

[April]

The Three Nuns

Three nuns were attending a Cub’s baseball game.

Three men were sitting directly behind.

Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they'd get annoyed enough to move to another area.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, "I think I’m going to move to Utah. There are only 100 nuns living there."

Then the second guy spoke up and said, "I want to go to Montana. There are only 50 nuns living there.”

The third guy said, "I want to go to Idaho. There are only 25 nuns living there."

One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said,

"Why don't you go to hell. There aren't any nuns there!"

[April]

Well, a Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.'

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry; no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get exercise but not to much so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins. When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. When she went out west, she was told watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just......

Are you ready for this?

OK! Here it is!
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A COMMONTATER

[Sally]

Husband and wife were in bed but having difficulty getting to sleep because of their neighbour’s barking dog.

A lengthy time went past and the wife couldn’t stand the barking any longer, so she barked at her hubby,” What does that idiot next door think of with us having to put up with his dog continuously barking all night every night, it’s about time you were a man and went and did something about it.”

So hubby crawls out of bed, gets dressed and disappears downstairs and then outside.

Some time later he comes back gets back into bed, whereupon his wife remarks venomously,” Well, I can still hear the dog barking, you did nothing about it.”

Hubby remarks with a cunning grin,” I taught him a lesson, I jumped the fence, brought the dog into our yard and tied him up, now we’ll see how he likes a barking dog next door to him.”

[Carolynn]

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...

'Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.'