An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never previously having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an obese, elderly lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, stopped for a while, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father said quietly to his son... "Quickly now my son, go get your mother."
THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #2
Moderator: KimberlyS
-
Sally
- We Will Never Forget You - Rest in Peace
- Posts: 630
- Joined: Thu Feb 26, 2004 1:33 am
- Location: N.S.W. Australia
the official..bad jokes thread # 2
Watch nature, because it’s our greatest teacher, it moves and flows and moves on again. We can never be free until we disengage, so allow life to flow as you find it. The way it is, is the way it is.
-
April
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 38
- Joined: Fri Aug 12, 2005 3:10 am
- Location: Orange County, California
The Ugly Frog
An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.
He whispered, I'm so lonely, too. Buy me and take me home. You won't ever be sorry.
The old lady figured what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her. As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her kiss me and you won't be sorry!
The old lady figured, what the heck, and kissed the frog.
Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince.
The prince then returned the old lady's kiss.
Suddenly the old lady felt herself transforming from his kiss. Now can you guess what the old lady turned into?
Come on guess!
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
She turned into the first Holiday Inn she could find!
She's old....... not dead!!!
An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.
He whispered, I'm so lonely, too. Buy me and take me home. You won't ever be sorry.
The old lady figured what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her. As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her kiss me and you won't be sorry!
The old lady figured, what the heck, and kissed the frog.
Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince.
The prince then returned the old lady's kiss.
Suddenly the old lady felt herself transforming from his kiss. Now can you guess what the old lady turned into?
Come on guess!
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
She turned into the first Holiday Inn she could find!
She's old....... not dead!!!
-
Lydia
- We Will Never Forget You - Rest in Peace
- Posts: 859
- Joined: Sat Aug 28, 2004 11:43 am
- Location: Sarasota, Florida
This may be old, but....
A lady (single and past her prime) was visited by her fairy godmother who said she would grant one wish.
The lady thought a nanosecond, looked at her pet cat, and asked it to be transformed into a handsome young man.
"Abrakadabra" - it was done.
The new young man looked up at the lady and said:
"Aren't you sorry you took me to the vet last week?"
----
Hugs,
Lydia
A lady (single and past her prime) was visited by her fairy godmother who said she would grant one wish.
The lady thought a nanosecond, looked at her pet cat, and asked it to be transformed into a handsome young man.
"Abrakadabra" - it was done.
The new young man looked up at the lady and said:
"Aren't you sorry you took me to the vet last week?"
----
Hugs,
Lydia
"There comes a time ... when you must grasp the bull by the tail and face the situation."
-
Carol Elizabeth
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 145
- Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2007 7:30 am
- Location: Wisconsin
inner peace
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace. A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished, and…. before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bog of chips, and the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclits.
Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pis
csafd
So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished, and…. before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of vocka, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bog of chips, and the res of the Chesescke an a box a choclits.
Yu haf no idr who fkin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to dem yu fee AR in ned ov inr pis
csafd
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
-
April
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 38
- Joined: Fri Aug 12, 2005 3:10 am
- Location: Orange County, California
You Were By My Side!
This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me through all the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear", she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me through all the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear", she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."
-
April
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 38
- Joined: Fri Aug 12, 2005 3:10 am
- Location: Orange County, California
Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look that old?"
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haird boy with the same name in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply-lined face was far too old to have been my classmate.
After my examination, I asked if he had attended Morgan Park High School .
"Why, yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
"1975. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!"
He looked at me closely. Then that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled,
fat-assed, grey-haired, decrepit SOB asked,
"What did you teach?"
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haird boy with the same name in my high school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply-lined face was far too old to have been my classmate.
After my examination, I asked if he had attended Morgan Park High School .
"Why, yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
"1975. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!"
He looked at me closely. Then that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled,
fat-assed, grey-haired, decrepit SOB asked,
"What did you teach?"
-
Sally
- We Will Never Forget You - Rest in Peace
- Posts: 630
- Joined: Thu Feb 26, 2004 1:33 am
- Location: N.S.W. Australia
the official bad jokes thread # 2
A long haired unruly looking young man walked into the local Dole office to pick up his social security cheque.
He marched straight up to the counter and said,
'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing the dole. I'm really rather desperate to have a job.'
The girl behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent, Sir.'
'We have just received a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around
in his 2009 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to
escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say, but you'll also have as part of your job assignment, to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.
A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc.
located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year. '
The young guy, wide-eyed, said, ' You're bulls....in' me! '
The Dole office worker replied, ' Yeah, well . . You started it first.'
He marched straight up to the counter and said,
'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing the dole. I'm really rather desperate to have a job.'
The girl behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent, Sir.'
'We have just received a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around
in his 2009 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to
escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say, but you'll also have as part of your job assignment, to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.
A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc.
located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year. '
The young guy, wide-eyed, said, ' You're bulls....in' me! '
The Dole office worker replied, ' Yeah, well . . You started it first.'
Watch nature, because it’s our greatest teacher, it moves and flows and moves on again. We can never be free until we disengage, so allow life to flow as you find it. The way it is, is the way it is.
-
Carol Elizabeth
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 145
- Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2007 7:30 am
- Location: Wisconsin
GHOST SEX
GHOST SEX
A professor at the University of Alabama was giving a lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Bubba replied, " manure, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
A professor at the University of Alabama was giving a lecture on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise their hands.
That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?'
About 15 students raise their hand.
Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?'
Three students raise their hands.
That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further....Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?'
Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses, and says 'Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience.'
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, 'So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?'
Bubba replied, " manure, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
-
Virginia
- Goddess of the Universe
- Posts: 5543
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 4:06 pm
- Location: Strange Magic Hill
I must repeat:
The three biggest lies in Montana:
1. "this belt buckle? - yep! won it in a rodeo!
2. "my pick-up? yep! it's paid for!"
3. "honest officer, I was just helpin the sheep across the fence!"
or whatever state fits your fancy!
Virginia
The three biggest lies in Montana:
1. "this belt buckle? - yep! won it in a rodeo!
2. "my pick-up? yep! it's paid for!"
3. "honest officer, I was just helpin the sheep across the fence!"
or whatever state fits your fancy!
Virginia
First star to the right, then straight on 'till mornin!
-
April
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 38
- Joined: Fri Aug 12, 2005 3:10 am
- Location: Orange County, California
DUCKS IN HEAVEN!!!
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is VERY VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks.
One day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on: very tall, long eyelashes, muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says,
'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says,
'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.'
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says,
'We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!'
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says,
'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is VERY VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks.
One day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on: very tall, long eyelashes, muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says,
'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?'
The guy says,
'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.'
-
April
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 38
- Joined: Fri Aug 12, 2005 3:10 am
- Location: Orange County, California
The Power of Alcohol
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With the entire bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes. By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,
(Wait for it.)
*
*
*
(It's coming.)
*
*
*
(Ya ready)
*
*
*
(Don't hate me!)
*
*
*
(Yer gonna hate me!)
*
*
*
"He should've quit while he was a head!"
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With the entire bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooosh! Plop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink!" The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild. The father crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes. By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.
The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,
(Wait for it.)
*
*
*
(It's coming.)
*
*
*
(Ya ready)
*
*
*
(Don't hate me!)
*
*
*
(Yer gonna hate me!)
*
*
*
"He should've quit while he was a head!"
-
April
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 38
- Joined: Fri Aug 12, 2005 3:10 am
- Location: Orange County, California
THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER...
Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer. She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident 12 years later. Judy again, remarried, and this time, she & John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs, Ethel....."
Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband, Ted, died of cancer. She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident 12 years later. Judy again, remarried, and this time, she & John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.
He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said,
"Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret:
"Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"
Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs, Ethel....."
-
Carol Elizabeth
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 145
- Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2007 7:30 am
- Location: Wisconsin
The Company Christmas Party
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2008
Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small
band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will
be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that
time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts
easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
_____
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2008
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're
calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other
employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating
Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols
will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
_____
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2008
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA
Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since
the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives
believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Company Memo
_____
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2008
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until
the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in
little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from
the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no
cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in
the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the
food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste
a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the
restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts.. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
Company Memo
_____
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All bubbles Employees
DATE: October 5, 2008
RE: The F**king Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at
the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the
table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and
you'll get your f**king salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you
know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've
heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f**king wierdos can kiss my backside. I hope you all have a
rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The Bitch from Hell!!!
Company Memo
_____
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2008
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and
I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give
everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 1, 2008
Gala Christmas Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on
December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small
band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will
be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that
time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts
easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
_____
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 2, 2008
RE: Gala Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We
recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with
Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on, we're
calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other
employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating
Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols
will be sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty
Company Memo
_____
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: October 3, 2008
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to
accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA
Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since
the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives
believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Company Memo
_____
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: October 4, 2008
RE: Generic Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a
luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees'
beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until
the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in
little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from
the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with
Gay men, each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no
cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in
the restrooms. Sorry.
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the
food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste
a bite first.
There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the
restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts.. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
Company Memo
_____
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All bubbles Employees
DATE: October 5, 2008
RE: The F**king Holiday Party
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at
the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the
table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and
you'll get your f**king salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you
know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've
heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
The rest of you f**king wierdos can kiss my backside. I hope you all have a
rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The Bitch from Hell!!!
Company Memo
_____
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: October 6, 2008
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and
I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give
everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Joan
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
-
Lydia
- We Will Never Forget You - Rest in Peace
- Posts: 859
- Joined: Sat Aug 28, 2004 11:43 am
- Location: Sarasota, Florida
The Cardiologist's Funeral
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart
forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When a ll eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral......... I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted.
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart
covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.
The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart
forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When a ll eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral......... I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted.
"There comes a time ... when you must grasp the bull by the tail and face the situation."