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THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #2
Moderator: KimberlyS
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SilverLady(SO)
- Retired Site Administrator
- Posts: 5419
- Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2005 1:00 am
- Location: Strange Magic Hill (Virginia)
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April
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 38
- Joined: Fri Aug 12, 2005 3:10 am
- Location: Orange County, California
Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
...The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
...The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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April
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 38
- Joined: Fri Aug 12, 2005 3:10 am
- Location: Orange County, California
The American Medical Association has weighed in on the new health care overhaul & economic stimulus package …
The Allergists voted to scratch it.
Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it.
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!".
Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'.
Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness.
Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow.
Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter.."
Podiatrists thought it was a step forward.
Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anesthesiologists thought it was a lot of gas.
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the a**es in Washington.
The Allergists voted to scratch it.
Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it.
Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!".
Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'.
Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness.
Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow.
Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter.."
Podiatrists thought it was a step forward.
Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anesthesiologists thought it was a lot of gas.
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the a**es in Washington.
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April
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 38
- Joined: Fri Aug 12, 2005 3:10 am
- Location: Orange County, California
Whether you own a dog or not, you must appreciate the efforts of this owner to sell her dog. Read the sales pitch below!!!
Dog For Sale
Free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.
Most of them knew him as 'Holy manure.'
Dog For Sale
Free to good home. Excellent guard dog. Owner cannot afford to feed him anymore, as there are no more drug pushers, thieves, murderers, or molesters left in the neighborhood for him to eat.
Most of them knew him as 'Holy manure.'
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Virginia
- Goddess of the Universe
- Posts: 5543
- Joined: Tue Feb 24, 2004 4:06 pm
- Location: Strange Magic Hill
I think I have seen that dog! 
These guys were in a bar and arguing over who had the meanest dog. One shy, quiet gentleman was not in the conversation but was accosted by several of these guys, "Hey! you got a dog?" "Well yes!" came the quiet reply. " I got $1,000.00 says my dog could destroy your dog!" The quiet guy says, "You're on, see you back here in an hour!"
In comes the loud mouth with a snarling, barking drooling 200 pound mix of who knows what. "Where's your dog?" he demands of the shy guy. "Right here!" comes the reply. The loud mouth, laughing, unchains his dog which disappears around the corner of the bar behind the quiet guy, there is a yelp, a whine, then dead silence. Out from the corner of the bar waddles this squatty looking white dog with a bit of fur from the 200 pound, now deceased mutt hanging from his mouth.
"What the, what the, how the," came the stuttering demand of the loud mouth. "What kind of dog is that?" as he handed over the money.
"Well," came the quiet reply as he counted his winnings, "before I cut off his tail and painted him white, he was an Australian salt water crocodile."
These guys were in a bar and arguing over who had the meanest dog. One shy, quiet gentleman was not in the conversation but was accosted by several of these guys, "Hey! you got a dog?" "Well yes!" came the quiet reply. " I got $1,000.00 says my dog could destroy your dog!" The quiet guy says, "You're on, see you back here in an hour!"
In comes the loud mouth with a snarling, barking drooling 200 pound mix of who knows what. "Where's your dog?" he demands of the shy guy. "Right here!" comes the reply. The loud mouth, laughing, unchains his dog which disappears around the corner of the bar behind the quiet guy, there is a yelp, a whine, then dead silence. Out from the corner of the bar waddles this squatty looking white dog with a bit of fur from the 200 pound, now deceased mutt hanging from his mouth.
"What the, what the, how the," came the stuttering demand of the loud mouth. "What kind of dog is that?" as he handed over the money.
"Well," came the quiet reply as he counted his winnings, "before I cut off his tail and painted him white, he was an Australian salt water crocodile."
First star to the right, then straight on 'till mornin!
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April
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 38
- Joined: Fri Aug 12, 2005 3:10 am
- Location: Orange County, California
VirginiaThe Gay Flight Attendant
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and said....
'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.' On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines when I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch'
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SilverLady(SO)
- Retired Site Administrator
- Posts: 5419
- Joined: Fri Nov 04, 2005 1:00 am
- Location: Strange Magic Hill (Virginia)
I'm enjoying your jokes, April! I usually don't forward these warnings but this sounds legit ....
INTERNET WARNING:
If you get an email titled "Nude photo of Nancy Pelosi," don't open it ....
It contains a nude photo of Nancy Pelosi.
SilverLady(SO)
- Native Motor City and Wolverine gal . . . GO BLUE!!
- Molon Labe - Saepius Exertus, Semper Fidelis - Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum
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Proud Military Family - Navy, Army, Coast Guard, National Guard
- Native Motor City and Wolverine gal . . . GO BLUE!!
- Molon Labe - Saepius Exertus, Semper Fidelis - Si Vis Pacem, Para Bellum
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Proud Military Family - Navy, Army, Coast Guard, National Guard -
April
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 38
- Joined: Fri Aug 12, 2005 3:10 am
- Location: Orange County, California
GOODBYE MOM
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady
following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she
kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and
said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you
look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave
the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of
the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him..
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he
went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said
You'd be paying for her things, too."
Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker.
Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!!
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady
following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she
kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and
said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you
look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out 'Good bye, Mom' as I leave
the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of
the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved and smiled back at him..
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he
went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items."
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said
You'd be paying for her things, too."
Bet you thought this was going to be a tear jerker.
Don't trust Little Old Ladies!!!
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April
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 38
- Joined: Fri Aug 12, 2005 3:10 am
- Location: Orange County, California
Irish Confessional
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap on one wall. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap on one wall. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."
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April
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 38
- Joined: Fri Aug 12, 2005 3:10 am
- Location: Orange County, California
BREAKING NEWS!!
To save the economy in 2010,
The Obama administration will start
Deporting all of the weird old people
In order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.
I started crying - when I thought of you.
RUN, YOU OLD FART, RUN!!!!!
Well....what can I say....someone sent it to me,
And
I'm not going alone!!!!
To save the economy in 2010,
The Obama administration will start
Deporting all of the weird old people
In order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.
I started crying - when I thought of you.
RUN, YOU OLD FART, RUN!!!!!
Well....what can I say....someone sent it to me,
And
I'm not going alone!!!!
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Leeza
- Miss Ruby Goddess
- Posts: 1745
- Joined: Tue Mar 18, 2008 4:46 pm
- Location: McCook, Nebraska
- Contact:
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Carol Elizabeth
- Miss Emerald Goddess
- Posts: 145
- Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2007 7:30 am
- Location: Wisconsin
'Irish Viagra'
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!'
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.
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April
- Miss Silver Goddess
- Posts: 38
- Joined: Fri Aug 12, 2005 3:10 am
- Location: Orange County, California
THE SPOILED UNDER - 40 CROWD!!!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning....Uphill.... barefoot.... BOTH ways.
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get there!
Stamps were 10 cents!
Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our backside! Nowhere was safe!
There were no MP3' s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone.
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.... forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your backside and walk over to the TV to change the channel! NO REMOTES!!!
There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons,
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove! Imagine that!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!
Regards,
The Over 40 Crowd
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning....Uphill.... barefoot.... BOTH ways.
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalogue!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get there!
Stamps were 10 cents!
Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our backside! Nowhere was safe!
There were no MP3' s or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone.
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it! And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.... forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your backside and walk over to the TV to change the channel! NO REMOTES!!!
There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons,
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove! Imagine that!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!
Regards,
The Over 40 Crowd