THE OFFICIAL: Bad Jokes Thread #2

[Carolynn]

I now have a true understanding of how much gas really costs.

I needed $5 worth of gas, so I went to the 7-11 to get some. I told the clerk, he took the money, farted loudly, rang up the sale, and handed me the receipt. WOW. Gas is expensive.

[DonnaT]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax.. OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine."

[Roberta-Llyan]

This is TOO FUNNY, Donna, for the "bad joke" thread.

[DonnaT]

Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.

Charlie said that he did not take any of the offering.

The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offering. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.

The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?" This time, Charlie replied, "I can't hear you."

The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, "I can't hear you."

Finally, the priest yelled, "CHARLIE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?" Again, the reply was, "I can't hear you."

The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, "Trade places with me and you can ask me a question."

So, they traded places and Charlie asked, "Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?"

To which the priest replied, "By golly, you can't hear in here!"

[Roberta-Llyan]

You are batting 100% for FUNNY Donna.

I laughed so hard I am now crying tears in my eyes. THANKS FOR the jokes.

[Roberta-Llyan]

The Saga of Elly Sue

Elly Sue fell in love,
And she planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy ‘bout it
And she told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, “Elly, hon,
Ya’ll have to find another...
I’d just as soon ya maw don’t know,
But Joe is yo’ half-brother.”

So Elly said so long to Joe
And went to marry Will.
But, when she told her pappy this,
He said “That’s trouble still!”

“You cain’t marry Will, young gal,
And please don’t tell yo’ mother,
Cause Will and Joe and Bubba too,
They all is yo’ half-brother!”

But she went to Maw, who smiled and said,
“Hon, you do what makes you happy.
You kin marry Will or marry Joe,
Cause you ain’t no kin to Pappy!”

[Carolynn]

A man walks into a
psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.

The psychiatrist says,
'Well...I can clearly see your nuts.'

[Connie]

[Caith]

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and they both stared up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was coming on and a news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?'
Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'
The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.'
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge
did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob,
saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'
Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM
news so I knew he would jump.'
The blond replied, 'I saw it too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'
(Bob took the money.)

[Lydia]

This one is bad mainly because itis old. But there it goes:

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.


By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like

a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Carolynn]

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping thru the forest road when she sees the big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.

"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf!"

The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again.? And this time he is crouched behind a bush.

"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf!"

Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About 1/4 mile down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.

"My what big teeth you have, Mr. Wolf!"

With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off,?I'm trying to poop!"

[Lydia]

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for 'Bear Removers.'

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

'What are you going to do,' the homeowner asks?

'I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.'

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

'What's the shotgun for?' asks the homeowner.

'If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.'

******************
Lydia

[DonnaT]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was an airline security agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog.' 'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the agent said, 'Watch this.' He told Sniffer to 'search.'

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm. The agent said, 'Good boy,' and he turned to the man and said, 'that woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'

'Say, that's pretty neat,' replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The agent said, 'That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police.'

'I like it!' said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to 'search' again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to crap all over the place.

The first man was really appalled by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent 'What's going on? '

The agent nervously replied, 'He just found a bomb'.

[Carolynn]

We might have had this one before.......


AN ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION...........

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you

may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'


'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'



'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

[DonnaT]

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most
perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the
second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her
mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband
had just been in a terrible accident and was critical in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her
best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops
before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a
cup of coffee and a beautiful cream slice complementary from the last
shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the
hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and
finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself!
While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your
husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well
you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last
shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round
the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...




















The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. What did you buy?'