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While I was driving down I-44 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a Motorcycle cop on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait. Growing up we had always referred to the usually macho upholders of the law that ride the little scooters "Captain America".

The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk, asked: 'Runway too short?'

To which I replied, 'I'm late for work..'

To which he asked, 'What do you do?'

'I'm a rectum stretcher,' I responded.

The cop was surprised and confused.

'A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' I said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until the rectum relaxes more and I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet.'

Then the redfaced cop asked questioningly and cautiously, 'And just what do you do with a six-foot a**hole?'

To which I politely replied, 'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

Speeding ticket: $205.00
Court costs: $100
Look on Captain America's face: Priceless.

I've only stunned a police officer once in my life.

"Do you know how fast you were going?"

"Uhh...no? See, the speedometer only goes to 85, sir."

But, sir, this truck won't go that fast.

Leeza

I found out to Not call them Barney Fife .

Oh! and when he asks "what's the hurry?" you don't say, "Your wife just called and I was just following her orders to come over - quick!"

One other response I heard was if your in town, before he/she walks up to your car, look around for a store, bank, local address then call 911 and report a fight or a fire or a robbery at that location.

Just keep ther shiny side up ladies!

Virginia