For the Pet Lovers

[Kandis]

The Diary of a Dog



8:00am Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30am A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40am A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00pm Lunch! My favorite thing!

1:00pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00pm Milk bones! My favorite thing!

7:00pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00pm Wow! Watched TV with my family! My favorite thing!

11:00pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!



The Diary of a Cat



It is day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt mewith bizarre dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while theother

inmates and myself are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I neverthelessmust eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keepsme going is my dream of escape.. In an attempt to disgust them, I vomit on thefloor.



Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body attheir feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, sinceit clearly

demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely madecondescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Theaudacity! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I wasplaced in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I couldhear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due tothe power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how touse it to my advantage.



Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate oneof my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must

try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.



I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies andsnitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released --andseems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded!



The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicatingwith the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. Thecaptors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he issafe....... for now.