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A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their
parent to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
*
*The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their
stories.
*
*Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying
hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the
front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the
eggs got broken.
*
*'What's the moral of that story?' asked the teacher.
*
*'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'
*
*'Very good,' said the teacher.
*
*Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers
too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen
eggs, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral
to this story is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'
*
*'That was a fine story Sarah.'
*
*Michael, do you have a story to share?'
*
*'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon
was a flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
*
*She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle
of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.
*
*She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then
she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.
*
*She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of
bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade
broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.'
*
*'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher, 'what kind of moral did
your daddy tell you from that horrible story?'
*
*'Stay away from Aunty Sharon when she's been drinking.'

The IRS decides to audit Ralph , and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Ralph. 'How about a demonstration?'
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Ralph says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I
can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph 's attorney as a witness.
He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Ralph asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph 's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.

Cut 'em and deal!!!!

Virginia