To Lorna

[Kathy]

Lorna, I have read your poem, The Death of Trust. While it is well written and speaks volumes of your present emotional state, I cannot accept its message and will not allow its darkness to dim my vision.

I, too, have plenty of excuses to be down on the world. I had a $60,000/year job and suddenly found myself with nothing. I, too, have mailed countless resumes and filled out job applications. I, too, have been told, “we’ll let you know” only to hear silence.

In 2001, my mother had two heart attacks, two blood clots that lodged in her left leg, an antibiotic resistant bacterial infection in her left hip. She was sitting alone in her hospital room watching TV when the World Trade Center was hit on September 11th.

In early October of 2001, my father, suffering from emphysema and the stress of my mother’s ordeal, had a bit too much to drink and fell, hitting his head hard on the floor causing us to have to rush him to the emergency room. After that he became so weak that he was bedridden and nearly died.

On November 13, 2001, I was notified that I no longer had a job. It was that day, when I informed my parents, that my mother had the second of her two heart attacks.

So, I started my job search, which, to this day has not born fruit. If not for the situation here with my parents, I would have been living in the street getting food out of dumpsters.

I had and still have every right to lash out at the world. I’ve had my share of moments where I would just sit and cry.

But, in my 51 years of life, I have learned that negativity only breeds negativity. Dark thoughts only return dark results.

My mother has always been one who saw the glass half empty. At the slightest hint of a problem she would jump to the conclusion that the world was coming to a catastrophic end. If I had entered her hospital room with a dark scowl on my face and an angry attitude, it would only have reinforced her own dark view of the world. It surely would not have helped her chances of recovery.

I chose instead to reach deep inside and find that inner strength that we all possess. To touch that light that shines within. I entered my mother’s room each day with a smile and a cheerful greeting not matter how down I may have been feeling inside. And, when I saw how that brightened her it couldn’t help but lift my own darkness.

I can’t speak to your situation, as I really don’t know you. But I have read your posts here and I get the image of a strong individual with a generally positive attitude. At least, up to the last day or so. Yes, you are going through a very difficult time. It has been said that these are the times that test men’s souls. Our souls are being tested now.

I will light a candle for you from the light within me and will hold my thoughts of you in that light. I will think of you as happy and prosperous and hope that you can find the strength within you to overcome the darkness you are now feeling.

[Lorna]

I only express what I feel deep down inside to be true whether that's the case or not, Kathy. Maybe things are not as bad as I expressed in that poem, but a poem is not about stating fact. It's about expressing one's FEELINGS, whether the circumstances are true or not. In my world, it's been acid rain every day since late 2001.

From where I currently am and from what I've seen happening around me for the past several months, NOBODY in my face-to-face life can be trusted, especially corporations. They're ALL out to lie, steal, or cheat and without batting an eye would step on you, kick you in the teeth & throw you into the snake pit for a nickel.

True or untrue, that's what I feel right now. And it's better that I vent my anger at the world by typing words onto a keyboard than picking up a handgun. And I am just SICK and TIRED of all the abuse, sick and tired of all the lies. I cannot take it anymore. And I WILL NOT take it anymore.

Oh, but don't worry. I'm not posting anymore until I get out of this funk because apparently I'm now upsetting people.