Beauty in Montreal

[SharonRose]

CJ,

Thanks for keeping us all up to date. I enjoyed hearing about all of your adventures over the weekend.

Sharon

[Jan W]

Please wish her all the best from me too.

[Loy B(SO)]

Sounds like a great and exciting time CJ-Glad to hear the visit went so well.I bet you are ready for a rest now for yourself.

[Beauty]

Hola

How is everyone? I have to admit...it's sooo weird posting here again. Ok.. it's weird even being here again. Wow.. 10 new private messages. I wonder how old those are, eh?

So I just thought I'd contribute to CJs thread and talk about CJ a little bit. CJ is someone who is just as genuine and beautiful in real life as she is on the forum. My gawd, what a brain this child has! You should have seen all the books. His roommate Marie was like, "This is my section and the rest is all CJs."

I called his place Camelot. It was magic. There was a queen (w/a throne on the balcony), a female Lancelot, and our wizard of sorts CJ (Merlin - Who often is dressed as the female Merlin w/looks to match). There was even a burning bush to illustrate the magic.

Day One - Act One - Bonjour
So, the first day I got there. There was CJ to greet me. It was gray and rainy and I was sooo happy. I've been enough places where the sun shines all the time. I like rain too. Anyway... I was wearing this lime colored blouse (which I left there) a T-top and jeans. I had my shades in my hair. Around every corner I kept wondering, "Is this where I see CJ? Is this where I see her? CJ!?!??" Then finally I came to this loooong corridor. The airport was pretty empty. Good timing luck, thanks to CJ's dare for me to make the reservation.

I walked through the door and there she was. CJ! I knew it was her, but I wasn't sure she knew it was me. I think I just read that she did, but there she was in her flaming red jeans. She was holding a paper sign that said "Searching For Beauty" (Marie hung that up in the hallway of the home.. ::totally honored:: ) Anyway.. they had the area where I walked all cordoned off, so I wanted to hug CJ immediately, but I couldn't because I had to walk around all of these bands.

FYI ladies and I mean the GGs looking for a handsomely pretty male child, CJs a great hugger. (ok now the rest of you ladies too.. back in the story with me please. I got my traditional Canadian kisses on the cheek. I was there.. I was finally there!

We got in the cab and rode to CJ's place and I listened to the French exchange between CJ and the cabbie. Hey ladies.. don't you want a sweetie who speaks French? CJ kept making the cabbie laugh too. Hmmm.. I hope they weren't talking about me. Canada was so beautiful, but I couldn't wait to see CJ's place though. She pointed out this place and that place. My mind was just so free to be there. It was going to be a great time. (I'll skip to the end about that part.. It WAS a GREAT time!!)

I walked in and met the glorious Queen. Marie. She was so awesome. I never expected to gain a new friend when I went there, but Marie and I got to share some pretty intimate moments together about our lives and stuff. It was such an honor to meet her. She was great!

Day One - Act Deux - Deny and Spend
CJ and I talked Marie out of going to school to do something.. I forget what. Instead she went shopping with us. So.. like I didn't have a wallet yet. I had the plastic thingy from my wallet. Some things are just hard to give up and only recently have I started to admit that I'm going to need a purse. I had that with me, but I forgot how important a women's wallet is. Now that I have one I won't be giving that up.

Instead of taking a cab we walked to the mall where we shopped. The wind was having fun blowing our hair around and the rain had stopped and the sun in the sky was just beautiful! Oh.. before we did that.. we kind of split up. Marie went shopping and CJ and I went to this store called Tire something. I had told CJ who my favorite artist was (it's kind of a secret) Well, we get in the store and I'm like, "GET OUT!" he was playing on the radio. CJ and I must have looked pretty odd standing there staring at nothing while I tried to get her to hear the music. She finally did and there was great rejoicing.. but more importantly.. there was SHOPPING!!!! I got a couple of things .. though CJ protested.. so cute when that happens.

Then one of the odd things of the trip happened. DECLINED! Yeah.. here I am.. CJ knows me, but doesn't know me, know me and my credit card gets declined. Nice job Beauty. It was an AMEX.. according to Jerry Seinfeld I'm not supposed to worry! So then we go to the telephone machine and it accepts AMEX and so I call the number and their like, "Everything looks good here.. must have been that store" I was pretty pissed and embarrassed, but ok. CJ astutely noticed that when they swiped it just declined immediately he said he didn't even think it check with anything.

So I was still kind of bummed, but we went to Best Buy and .. yeah.. can you believe it?? Best Buy in Canada, eh! Funny thing was CJ called it the store with the "big yellow tag" Oy.. Hmmm.. I think the ladies like that too CJ. So we go in there and get some fun stuff for CJ. The credit card doesn't read, but she types it in and we're good to go.

Then I decide that I've had enough of that crap, so I go to get money. Card doesn't work in the ATM. I felt like I was trapped in a plastic hating land. I knew I had enough cash to get me through a day, but not 4 days! Well.. as fate would also have it I didn't have my charger for my phone (Skipping ahead.. I did have it.. ended up buying two) So when I got to use the card again. It won't read. Paid in cash. This soooo sucked!!!!

So Marie and CJ went into a shop and told me there was a bank in the mall. So I go there and voila! It works. I get out enough cash to make sure the next couple of days are covered. On the way back to them I stopped and got a wallet. YAY!!! I'm a wallet woman forever!

I also stopped into the GAP. Got this like insane belt!!! It was so hot! Of course when I got home it was kind of too big.. I couldn't figure out why, but I did the next day.. but that's ACT TWO.. be patient would'ya? While I was waiting for CJ and Marie to finish their shopping I realized.. "Holy Shite.. I'm tired" but at least I had cash.. Oh.. and the credit card worked in the GAP.

So.. on the way home from the Mall. (btw Marie was triumphant in her weight loss.. she went down a dress size and was on cloud nine) we stopped and got ourselves some wine for the evening. We decided it was time to feed our hunger. I can't remember the name of it, but the food was good. I was giving CJ a hard time about ordering, but meanwhile it was me who ended up being the person who couldn't figure out what to order. I got to know CJ more. Oh.. our waitress looked like Jenny McCarthy (i think that's how you spell her name?)

CJ is really such a deep thinker. We made fun of people on the forum. Oh.. was I not supposed to say that? I guess I'll leave that up to CJ to clear up. Plus I wanted to make sure you're awake as you read this long ash post.

The walk home was funny. CJ is like, "Lets go this way .. it's shorter"... 10 days later we arrived at home. Ok.. so I felt like it took an extra 10 minutes, but Marie told me there's something called CJ time that I had to learn about.

CJ will have to refresh my memory about if we all took a nap. I can't remember. I think we did though...

Day One - Act Troi - Attack of the dormant mosquito
So the night fell and our bellies were ready for din, din. We ordered Chinese. Candles were lit on the patio table outside and we all said, "Cheers", looked each other in the eyes, and the spirits began their run. We talked about a lot of "stuff" a lot was personal to both CJ, myself, and Marie so unless CJ wants to talk about it I'll fall silent.

Soon the female Lancelot arrived. Her eyes were indeed noble and kind. Just like Marie's eyes you could see they cared for CJ a great deal. I also saw the poor thing was sooo tired. I felt bad for her, but she didn't feel bad for herself so I got rid of that quick. Carole and I had talked on the phone before. I didn't know what to expect, but she's a beautiful woman who's got the world at her feet. Now if she'd just walk. You can tell her I said the walking part CJ!

We talked until waaaay early in the morning. I forget what time it was exactly, but I think it was like 3am or so. It was a great, great, great night of 3 great, great, great nights. Each of them I cherish a great deal. Each of them are filled with memories of my very good friend CJ!

Ok.. well.. I'll continue the rest another time, eh.

I love you all and miss you much. I saw one thread on here about TS gals. I think I'll just bite my lip and leave you to your world though. This place was totally a haven for me and I don't want to mess up this beautiful stew that Sharon's done so well to keep stirred and appetizing to the visitors.

Be back sometime this week I hope for Day Two.. Act One! Camelot continues!!

Gracie

p.s. Hey Sharon!!!

[SilverLady(SO)]

WELCOME BACK, GRACIE!!

I just read your post, and I can't wait for Part 2!! I've missed seeing your Beauty-ful face at the forum, and your wit and intelligence, too!

I'm sorry that I was unable to call CJ and yourself that day - the place my CD and I rented had a private phone service and wouldn't allow the use of calling cards!

Oh, yeah, I've taken over one of your favorite sayings: "I knew that if I waited long enough someone would say it better then me!"

Love and Hugs, Gracie!!

- SL and her SO

PS: Have you kept in touch with Brandi?

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Welcome back Gracie!

Glad you two had such a wonderful time.

[Jeannie]

Hey you two! You better be making fun of me or I'll be pissed. I'm a deep thinker also. The more I think the deeper I get in trouble! Gotta run. they're coming with the strait jacket again! Hugs


Love
Jeannie

PS. I know French too Beauty! All I remember is "Where's the freaking library!"

[Anita]

Nice to see you here again, Beauty. It was fun to read CJ's account of all the goings-on, and it's fun to read yours. I'll look for installment two.

[Merinda]

Hi Gracie ,

welcome back

[CJ]

Hi all,

Well, I was going to take a couple of weeks off from the forum just to get myself back in a "work groove" and to process everything that happened over the last two weeks but Beauty's post (and late-night phone call last night) drew me out of my shell. (Donna was right; I'd need a vacation after my vacation just get myself straightened out again! )

Beauty's stay in our humble abode was a pure pleasure. I'll admit that I was a little nervous. This was, after all, the very first time that I'd be meeting someone "in real life" that I'd previously only known through e-mails, chats, and phone conversations. Marie is a firm believer in the fact that you can only really truly know someone once you've shared some physical space with the person. Of course, I agree. Even in early 2005, when Beauty and I first started stoking the fires of our friendship, there were misunderstandings between the two of us that were largely due, I think, to my own frustrations at the inadequacy of online relationships and friendships. I told Beauty at the time that I felt a bit lost just because I had no access to her body language (those "mute cues" that go to make up such a large percentage of our "communication acts"). Above all, I needed to see her eyes, to be able to look into her eyes.

On the cab ride home from the airport on that first day, I told Beauty that she had beautiful eyes (which she does, folks!). I realized a split-second later that she might have perceived this as a come-on of sorts. It so wasn't, though. It just felt awesome to finally be able to look into the "windows of her soul"--because I very much care about the soul behind them.

I was also a little bit nervous because I knew--from fairly long and intense experience over the phone--that Beauty has an extremely acute and sensitive "bullshit radar" and, in my nervousness and anxiety over her impending visit to Montreal, I started doubting myself. Will she think I'm the same person in real life as I am on the forum or on the phone? Have I ever said or done anything online that's totally at odds with who I really am in real life? And, if so, would she immediately pick up on it? As far as I knew, I'm no different in my life than I am on the forum. But I also know that blindness to our own character flaws is the lot of many of us, myself included. I needn't have worried, though; I'm pretty much myself wherever I go (online or off) and Beauty recognized this (to her great amusement, sometimes ).

What I needed to process is this: Beauty's stay with us made me realize--clearly and without a doubt--the she and I are creatures belonging to two different yet interconnected realms as far as gender goes. Over the course of her stay here, it gradually dawned on me that, yes, there's a possibility that I'm "just" a crossdresser... especially if being a transsexual implies many of the things that Beauty does and is. For me, that is a very bittersweet realization. And a very paradoxical one, too: as I started feeling a bit less close to Beauty because of our inherent differences regarding gender, I also started feeling much closer to her as a person because she was there, in our kitchen, in our living room, in our garden, laughing, pondering, crying, musing, debating, hugging (God, that felt good!). As I said, she became much more "fleshed out" to me (and, hopefully, I became so to her, as well).

One upshot of this was, of course, that Beauty seems to have bonded much more with Marie and Carole (or, as she would put it, with "the Queen and Lancelot") than she did with me. Or so it feels like. But that's far from being a negative thing. On the contrary, it's opened my eyes to the very real probability that Beauty will eventually be totally comfortable in the world of women, as a woman. She will succeed. That Marie and Carole took a shine to her so quickly and unreservedly is a testament to Beauty's graces, charm, poise, and, well, womanliness (sorry, there's no other word to describe it). It was a joy to behold.

It still left me feeling somewhat alone, though. But I fully understand that this kind of "aloneness" (as opposed to loneliness) is nobody else's cross to bear but my own. And I think this is true of everybody. It's a moot point now, I guess, as I've had to deal explicitly with these kinds of feelings lately, since I hooked up with my new belle (yes, CJ is no longer single, folks).

As I said, a lot has happened in the last couple of weeks. I'm still digesting it all. One thing's for sure, though: Beauty, if you ever want to visit again, Camelot will be here, waiting for you with open arms. And, please, feel free to discuss what you want if you wish to do so. I'm easy; I'm open. Oh, another thing, girl; I'll be sending your blouse in the mail on Friday, at the latest, along with a little Montreal souvenir book. Love you.

Love,
CJ

[Lorna]

Welcome back, Gracie!!

Gracie, CJ, it sounds like you both had a wonderful time!!

[Maria]

Welcome back, Gracie!

Thanks for posting your adventure! Looking forward to hearing more from your trip!

CJ, I think it wonderful to have a friend who is full of beauty and grace!

Maria

[Stef]

I am so glad you and CJ had such a great time!!!!!

Hugs,
Stef

[CJ]

Hi all,

Well, I've had time to reflect over everything that happened here in late July and I guess I have a few more things to add.

As many of you know, it's been a bit of a tough year for me, in terms of my trying to figure out where I stand on the gender spectrum. Am I transsexual? Am I a crossdresser? Am I something in between? These questions hounded me over the past ten months or so. I'd gotten input from some, here on the forum, who thought that chances were pretty good that I was just a crossdresser. I'd also had input from others who thought that perhaps I needed to dig a little more, to go down a little deeper into the rabbit hole, in order to realize what my true nature really was.

In the course of one of our "group" conversations around the patio table (a conversation about what else? transgenderism), Beauty was addressing either Carole or Marie. She said, "Do I now think that CJ is a transsexual?" Still talking to one of the girls, Beauty very briefly turned to me and, looking me straight in the eye, said, "No," before turning her attention back to the girls. I felt really odd at that moment--not "unpleasant" odd, just "mixed feelings" odd. Here was my "Big Sister" who, for a few months in late winter and early spring had tried to guide me--sometimes gently, sometimes roughly--into recognizing that I may be a transsexual, telling me something a bit more definite (and in an opposite direction). I say I had mixed feelings when she said "no" because I'd already come to the conclusion that I wasn't a transsexual a few weeks or a couple of months earlier and was super happy that Beauty confirmed what I already believed about myself yet, at the same time, I felt sad that Beauty and I would be losing (or, at the very least, loosing) that possible connection between the two of us. It became even clearer in my mind that I would not be going where she was headed... and vice versa. Certainly not yet, anyway.

Beauty also agreed with Carole and Marie that there are large (and very present) elements of my personality and appearance that are definitely masculine. I can't (and wouldn't wish to) deny that. What I need to do, according to my wise friends (of which circle Beauty is a part) is to find my own beat, and to march to that beat. Hopefully, it will be a beat that includes the possibility of my being able to let the more feminine aspects of my personality thrive. This is something I've been somewhat "forced" to do anyway over the past few years considering what I do for a living. Dealing daily with people's suffering has forced me to deal with my own in a way I never would've expected even six or seven years ago. As I've had to focus on my love and compassion and concern for other human beings, I couldn't help but also focus on my love and compassion and concern for myself. I very much associate that love and compassion and concern with what is most sublimely feminine in me. Hence, as in, say, Virginia's case, "the woman in me" has saved my life. Many times over. All this to say that in the past few years I have, indeed, been trying very hard to welcome the rhythm of the feminine in my own beat... crossdressing optional.

I'm not there yet. Perhaps I never will be. But it's damn fun to be on this road. It makes me feel alive and true, come what may.

Marie,

Thank you.

Carole,

Thank you.

Beauty,

Thank you.

All of you, here on the forum, with whom I've shared a part of my journey of self-discovery,

Thank you. It's an honour and a privilege to be a part of your lives as well.

Now, with someone new in my life, some parts of me are waking up while others want to go to sleep for a bit. I don't know to what extent crossdressing will come into play in my relationship but I do now that, for now, it sleeps (and has been sleepy for quite a while). As usual, I'll be taking things one breath at a time. We'll see where that particular beat leads me. One thing I know for sure: I have no plans to leave the forum. This is home to me. And you are family.

Love,
CJ

[Virginia]

CJ,
Honey, just listen to "the woman in me!" I can assure you she will not let you down.
I love you!
Virginia