"You weren't ever supposed to know"

[Michelle Miller]

I know what you're probably thinking..this has nothing to do with Michelle here, this is all about Bruce Wayne, the face she's gotta put up for some people.

To make a long story short, a few years ago, around 1998, I found out about a long kept secret in my family, one that involved me, straight up to the hilt. My mother and father aren't my biological parents. The woman who raised me is my biological mother's sister.

I found out about it, through my wife, who was at the time she found out, my fiance'. We'd went to visit my aunt(my biological mother), and she decided that my wife needed to be in on it, more for her sake really, in that she hoped my wife would finally tell me, and she wouldn't have to tell me herself.

Well, the truth came out to me, through my admirably more loving wife, who basically got used to get this out in the open to me. I confronted my aunt about it, and she finally laid it all out to me. I was reluctant to confront my mother and father about it, as we were separated by about 4-5 hours, and really, that's not the thing you discuss over the phone.

I found out that my biological father had died in a car accident, sometime in 1983, and from what I understand, had never bothered to find out what became of me. So, I decided to look him up, and as it turns out, he's buried in the same cemetery as my maternal grandfather. When we got back home, I paid him a visit, and didn't learn much.

I poked around a bit, with some of my other aunts and uncles, and they confirmed what I'd been dreading, that it was all true. On the way back from a visit to my maternal granmother, I suggested we stop at the cemetery and pay my grandfather a visit. After we were done, I asked my mother to walk with me, and I led her back to my biological father's grave.

I flipped open the picture cover on his marker, and asked my mother "Mom? Who's this?"

I'd been lied to all my life. Right then and there, all I wanted was for my mother, the woman who had raised me for as long as I can remember to say "No one", or "Nobody you need to worry about", or "I love you". I'll never forget the words that came out of her mouth, for as long as I live.

"You weren't ever supposed to know."

I wanted her to assure me that her sister was full of manure, lying out her backside, whatever. I hoped the others were lying to me...no, wait, that's not true, I was hoping, that the one woman that I knew wouldn't lie to me, would tell me that she was, just simply "mom" and that everything would be alright.

Unfortunately, that jazz only happens in fairy tales. I wish I was able to cast this off like I do some of the other things in my life, to chalk it up to the same "If this hadn't happened, I wouldn't have met my wife, etc..." things I do. The fact is, I resent being lied to all those years, but at the same time, I wish I could go back to being ignorant.

I've let this poison me, hurt me...god only knows what else it's done to me, or caused me to do to the ones I love over the years. I'd like to say that I've gotten over it, but the truth is, I wish I could make that day, 10 years ago, just disappear from existence. I just wanted one more lie, and I'd have been happy to put it all out of my head.

[Anita]

I'm sorry you had to suffer through that situation, Michelle. A lie that is known by that many people has to take a heavy toll on them, too, so no one came out of this without injury.

You don't say what kind of relationship you now have with your biological mother--are you able to talk with her? It is hard to hear how she put this burdern on your fiancee, but I don't know her situation, or what kind of pressure she felt she was under. I would hope that you can find some way to process all of this--ten years is a long time.

[Michelle Miller]

I'm sorry you had to suffer through that situation, Michelle. A lie that is known by that many people has to take a heavy toll on them, too, so no one came out of this without injury.

It's odd, I know the why & how, I understand why it was all done, for my benefit, as my biological mother didn't have any business trying to raise a child at her age & overall maturity level. I've also come to terms with the why, mostly through a personal belief of mine that's pretty much held true.

Things happen for a reason. The 'Butterfly Effect', if you will.

I ran into an ex-g/f a while back, out and about with her husband, the guy she left me for, a close friend of mine at the time of her infidelity. They both apologized to me, and I assured them I wasn't holding a grudge after all these years. If things hadn't happened the way they did, I wouldn't have my wonderful wife, chances are, I wouldn't have met her when I did and so on and so forth.

I look at it the same way with my parents.

You don't say what kind of relationship you now have with your biological mother--are you able to talk with her?

Honestly, now, I have two women in my life that I can call 'mom'. Two women that'd do anything they could for me, if I really needed it. The pic of me and mom, in the photo gallery on here is my biological mother. Funny, she knows about 'Michelle', but the adopted one would have kittens if she found out. lol

It is hard to hear how she put this burdern on your fiancee, but I don't know her situation, or what kind of pressure she felt she was under. I would hope that you can find some way to process all of this--ten years is a long time.

I think my biological mother was a lot more selfish about it, in that she wanted it all out in the open, but she wasn't strong enough to tell me herself, and passed it off on my wife, knowing she would spill it.

I've lived like this for ten years, bitter about thinking I was lied to by my 'mother', and that's affected me, and it's turned me into a more bitter person than I really need to be.

I guess, what I'm really trying to do by sharing all of this is to help others to not take a loving parent for granted, regardless of whether or not they gave birth to you. I'm trying, maybe someone else will do better than I have.

[DonnaT]

I can see being upset about being lied to, but being bitter for 10 years seems pointless.

As you know, you can't go back in time and make it all go away, so why live life now bitter about the past, about something you or no one else can change?

Letting it go and healing is long overdue.

You commented that you mother is a "loving parent", that both mom's would do anything for you.

If your upbringing was a good one, or at least, as far as you know, better than it would have been otherwise, seems to me you'd be grateful for what happened. Grateful that your parents took you in and you weren't given up for adoption to complete strangers.

I don't know. Maybe you are grateful about all that. But if you are, and if you all have mutual love for each other, then surely the lie can be forgiven?

[Jeannie]

Hi Michelle
Being lied to is no fun for any of us. I can see how terrible it would make you feel with your particular situation but don't let it make your whole live miserable. I agree with Donna. Life goes on no matter what happens in our lives. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy.
Here are a few quotes about forgiveness from some people you might know or remember:

"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much. "
Oscar Wilde (1854 - 1900)

"It really doesn't matter if the person who hurt you deserves to be forgiven. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. You have things to do and you want to move on. "

"The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget."
Thomas Szasz

"There is no revenge so complete as forgiveness. "
Josh Billings

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. "
Mahatma Gandhi

"Forgiveness does not always lead to a healed relationship. Some people are not capable of love, and it might be wise to let them go along with your anger. Wish them well, and let them go their way. "

"To err is human; to forgive is divine."
Alexander Pope

I know it's not easy sometimes to forgive Michelle. There is one more quote that points that out.

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend. "
William Blake
Big hug Hon.

Love
Jeannie

[Absaroka]

Lies like that can take a lot of getting used to, although you seem to have made some peace with it in that you now feel that you have 2 mothers who would do anything for you if neccesary. Ahve you talked to them about why this all happened?

I agree with the thoughts on the neccesity of forgiveness and will add my own:

Holding on to resentment and anger is like drinking poison and then waiting for the other person to die.

Absaroka

[Michelle Miller]

I can see being upset about being lied to, but being bitter for 10 years seems pointless.

As you know, you can't go back in time and make it all go away, so why live life now bitter about the past, about something you or no one else can change?

Letting it go and healing is long overdue.


You commented that you mother is a "loving parent", that both mom's would do anything for you.

If your upbringing was a good one, or at least, as far as you know, better than it would have been otherwise, seems to me you'd be grateful for what happened. Grateful that your parents took you in and you weren't given up for adoption to complete strangers.

I don't know. Maybe you are grateful about all that. But if you are, and if you all have mutual love for each other, then surely the lie can be forgiven?

Maybe "bitter" was too strong of a word. It did eat at me for the longest time though and I'd like to think that I've become a better, stronger person because of it.. I understand what was done was done with my best interests in mind, and looking back, from a PoV of where my life is now, with my loved ones, I wouldn't want it any other way.

I just meant that all I wanted back then (when I confronted my adopted mother) was to go back to sleep, just one more lie, so to speak.

[Lori A]

My former son-in-law was adopted by a wonderful couple we got to know after the wedding. He lives with the resentment that he never got to know his bio mother, and as near as he can find out she is dead. I tried to tell him that she didn't give him up, she gave him a chance. Some really great and famous people have been the products of adoption, you were lucky enough to be adopted by blood relatives. And though it was supposed to remain a secret, you now know the truth.
I have never been fond of reading. Hated it in school, because I was a slow reader, and enjoyed my acute ADD/ADHD too much. Couldn't sit still that long to get better at it.
But I have as an adult found some writers that I like, and a few years back I picked up one by Beverly Lewis. It was about an Amish girl who never felt like she fit in to that life style for some reason. That book was "The Shunning" the first in a series of three. Turns out she was adopted. Very interesting series, and I'm hooked on her writing. An intra family adoption if you call it that was also in another series, Abram's Daughters if memory serves me correctly. Great reading tearjerkers I promise.
I, like many here (IMOHO) come from broken and dysfunctional family. I have often wished I had had the fortune to have been adopted by some people who would have actually cared. I might have become a better person.
Count your blessings friend

[Virginia]

And yet another girl from Tennessee chimes in from Bristol as well but from the right side of the line! I wonder if there is something in the air or water in Tennessee that brings out dysfunctional families? Anyway, I was raised, well not so much by my grandparents as for whatever reason they could not or would not raise me but at four and a half sent me off to a private military school in == you guessed it Cookeville, Tennessee. Funny thing, I ended up back there and graduated from Tennessee Tech! But prior to that and this is before you were born Michelle, well actually it was before I was born but Bristol use to be quite a railroad town and the "railroad men" need not only a place to stay but well, how shall I say this????? uh! the company of women!? Anyway, rumor has it that my great grandmother ran such a place of endearment in Bristol -- uh, yes, on the Virginia side - and the stories that I have heard

The one very important thing that I got from all this was my name, Virginia Irene. Virginia, being my mother's name (she died three days before my eighth birthday of --- well let's just say she sure like to drink, evidently - a lot!) and Irene was her mother's my grandmother' name.

I said and still say - I visit their resting place in Bristol and let them see their daughter almost yearly and I can sense it believe it or not- I feel that they are proud of their "daughter!"

So keep the faith honey, we have trouble admitting it sometimes but in truth - it is all about us!

Love ya and in Bristol there really is no wrong side of the line and did you know that I practically built Steele Creek Park by myself!? Oh. the stories I could tell about that place!

Virginia

[Leeza]

Shhhhhhhh I hear the Virginia is going to write a book about all those stories, but you didn't hear it from me

[ErinKaas]

I was not raised by my bio parents. I have known my real mother my whole life, but have not seen my real dad since I was like 2 and I don't remember anything.

The thing is, how do you feel about the ones who raised you? If you are close to them and all, well, forgive the lie, cause if they were good and you were friends on some level, then they did thier vey best.

With me, it was a relief when I learned at the age 21 that the guy who raised me was not my biological father. Thank God I don't have his genetics in my blood. When my real mom explained it I was like "ok whatever, that is fine" I didn't care.
With my step mom, I always knew, but I was never close to her anyways.

Anyways the point is, how do you feel about the people that raised you? If you love them and feel they did well, then just accept them as your parents.