I often wonder if ANYBODY ever knows how I feel. :(

[Lorna]

I basically try to maintain a somewhat upbeat attitude mainly for the purpose of whenever comedy shows come around - yet ironically right after a show I tend to get somewhat depressed.

I guess it's all of the recent altercations I still have to deal with in NY in the year 2004 (if NY is so open-minded, why is it that I keep running into all the jerks?) I posted about last Friday's bar incident in a CD newsgroup to which I belong - and was blasted by half the members and was told that I "contradicted myself".

I have also been getting blasted to no end in various other forums (such as job-posting sites that have message forums) Folks constantly rip into me telling me that I'm unemployed simply because I'm "lazy" and I should "stop mooching off of Uncle Sam" and get a job. Like the economy is so wonderful that I can just walk into any place of business and snag a job at the drop of a hat. In fact, looking for a job has become a full-time job in itself.

As if THAT isn’t enough I got a call from my father this afternoon and caught the same manure all over again. I don’t know how much more of this I have to take. This whole situation is a very SERIOUS problem.

I am still looking for work every day, and have still not received so much as a phone call, never mind an interview. I have also networked my friends to death with little results. So I guess all I can do is wait and hope.

But every time I am greeted with smug input of any kind, I want nothing more than to punch that person right in the face. It is LITERALLY tearing up my insides NOT to act on those feelings.

And I tire of returning every time feeling frustrated. With no job lead. Disappointed AGAIN. Frustrated. Heartbroken. Enraged.

I've now started submitting applications in various party-goods stores & costume shops (I know they'll be busy for the pre-Halloween season & looking for at least temporary help)

This is the very last place on the web and on this planet where I can truly express my feelings without being so viciously attacked.

[Jadeanne]

Lorna,

Keep on trying, something will turn up. From my view it looks like you are really trying.

After I graduated from college, I lived with my parents and it was 7 months until I found any kind of job. I was a night watchman for a year while I looked, took civil service exams, etc. and finally got what I was after.

One of these days, that light at the end of the tunnel will NOT be the headlight of an oncoming train!

Jadeanne

[Loretta Ann]

Lorna,

Everyone needs a safe place, there is often so little others can do for hurting people. I am pleased to be apart of a place that can provide that for you.

I see it as a shelter from the storm.

When the time is right you will find something.

[Lorna]

I'm trying so hard, I really am.

It's just getting tougher and tougher every day.

[Loretta Ann]

Lorna wrote:I'm trying so hard, I really am.

I believe you hon.

[Merinda]

I remember the bad ol' days after leaving school , 13 months unemployed and being refered to as a Dole bludger ( social security bum ) .
I wrote many letters and went for many interviews but to no avail.

I was classified as a dole bludger because nobody would give me a start and that was somehow all my fault !

I can well relate to your frustration Lorna

[Marda]

Hi Lorna,
~
If I could meet you in person at this very moment, I'd *love* to turn a firehose on you just to watch your mascara run and your clothes stick to you Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha

Moi? According to the employment market, I'm "OverQualified" ... I won't consider getting into comparing sobstory details with you except over a gallon or two of beer ...

Except for our skin colour, and probably our age, (plus I don't "pass") we're pretty much in the same boat ... the main difference is that I may be one or two steps ahead of you in dealing with the *RAGE* of it all ...

Lately, I've been challenging people on the "OverQualification" baloney, and you know what ? *There Is NOT an intelligent answer to be heard from Anyone* !!!

The best conclusion I've reached so far with assistance of a respected confidant and advisor is that employers look at my resume and *Freak* because I'm offering to do a simple dayjob for an hourly wage when they figure ...
A) I apparently have enough real world experience and education to be their boss, and ...
B) with that exp/edu package, I'm obviously (to them and their fears) being untruthful with them about why I want the job and
if they hire me they're going to discover ...
1) I'm actually a spy from headquarters or ...
2) I'm gunning for their job and would probably be able to take it from them in broad daylight ...
~
How is a Tgirl supposed to say "I'm *Not* who you think you see, and it's *Not* what you think or fear" ... "I'm a CD, and I just want to do my job, and get a paycheck, so I can buy some nice clothes and feel good about myself in private" ... ???
~
Of course I have other ideas about the state of the world and the zombies on the streets therein ... but those are other stories for dealing with over many more gallons of beer ...
~
Put your feet up Lorna !!! Smoke a cigar !!!
~

/Marda

[Jassmine(SO)]

Hey Lorna

I can so relate to what you are going through Job hunting is the pits I used to move around the country quite a bit and until I took a job cleaning the offices at my ex husband's company, I had to start from scratch everytime we moved

Hang in there, sweetie Things will get better soon

*Hugs & Love*

[Lorna]

Thanks everybody.

As it stands right now I have a million questions that I need to ask myself. One thing is for certain I CANNOT continue on this path.

Based on all the hardships this year has brought me, I am spiritually DYING a slow death and I have to stop that from happening.

As for the standup gigs I am going to have to stop indefinitely until I can alleviate some of this PAIN in my life right now. The standup did generate a small income, but day to day setbacks are only having a negative effect on my performance. How can a person be funny when they're constantly crying inside?

[Eloise Goth]

I know it wont pay any bills, Lorna...but WE LOVE YOU!!

[Marda]

Artists, true artists, people who deal from the heart instinctively, inevitibly seem to feel the pain of everything this journey presents, before any pleasure comes to the party ...

So we're forth and back between threads sharing pain and learning experiences ...

Then you mention doing "standup" and immediately I recall one of my main inspirations ...

Jaco Pastorius died in Belleview (sp?) Hosp after getting his head kicked in by the bouncer of an afterhours club in NYC who didn't recognize him ... Jaco (possibly androgynous?), showed up, "off his medication", looking rough as he tended to, wanting to play ...
and now we have to live with his recordings and his legacy ... and part of his legacy was a life with mental illness ...
I guess that was his Yin to the Yan of being the World's Greatest Ever Electric Bass Player ...
I guess the headlines never said "Once In Time World Renowned Musician murdered in NYC for having feelings, talent, and for daring to be an unappreciated and misunderstood artist" ...

some of you may recall my original sig line ...
"Women & Rhythm Section First" Jaco Pastorius

/Marda

[Mellissa]

Dear Lorna<

Life can be very hard on people and then you seem all alone
Everybody seems against you and nothing you do works out the way you want it
At that moment you could realy use a friend and just blow of some steam
Well i consider you a friend even do we never met i think you got a great personality
So just poor it out and scream if ya want we all will be here for you
And will listen to you

I've been unemployed to years back and i know its hard on ya couse you feel a bit useless
Like you dont have any use in sociaty but thats not true we all have our place
And just hang in there and i know you'll pull trought and find a job
And dont let other people put you down couse i just know youre not lazy

I realy hope you find a job soon in that great city of yours
Till then hang in there BIIIG HUG from a friend to another friend


Mellissa

[Kathy]

Hi Lorna,

I've been quiet for a while but I can certainly sympathize with you. In about six weeks it will be exactly three years since I was laid off. I won't begin to estimate the number of resumes I've sent and job applications filled out without hearing anything back.

Believe me, I understand Marda's feelings about being "over qualified".

But, two weeks ago my former manager (who was laid off just a month after me and is also still looking) called me and told me of someone who was looking for part time contract help with his database system. I called the guy, met him at his office and today I finished my first billable project for him. And I have another project on the burner.

Granted it isn't much but, maybe I can get a referral or at least a reference for more part time work. If I can't find a job working for someone else then I'll just go to work for myself.

My point is that, while it took a long time for it to happen, a connection came through for me. And now I have an opportunity.

Your connection is out there too. And it may come from an unexpected direction as mine did.

[Marda]

Way to go Kathy
~
...a State, which dwarfs its men, in order that they may be more
docile instruments in its hands even for beneficial purposes,
will find that with small men no great thing can really be
accomplished...
- John Stuart Mill (1806-1873), On Liberty and Utilitarianism

/Marda

[Lorna]

Thank you girls so much... I love you all...

I actually have good news to share!! *GASP* Me?? GOOD News???

Yes, it's true...
http://crossdressers-haven.com/forums/v ... php?t=2689