Operation 'Self-Cleansing 05'
Posted: Tue May 24, 2005 1:05 am
I turned 33 last week. 
I had a long conversation with my mother a couple of days ago & then another long chat with my father tonight.
Despite the fact that my father stated that he did not want to "intrude" in my life by any means, he did express that he & my mother were worried about me.
The thing is I have a long history of telling my parents to F off whenever they have tried to tell me certain things, even though it was for my own good. And it wasn't ina "parent to child" sort of way. But moreso in a "concerned person" sort of way. I used to become over defensive, ripping into them, telling them to leave the the F alone, to just let me live my life. Well, I now know that I have been going about certain things all wrong. Many of you here have noticed that as well too when you have tried to give me good advice but I refused to listen...
I have always prided myself on having a “rebellious” attitude, thinking that I needed nobody, but in the meantime I was lading myself down a bad path. (Not thru any fault of my own, but yes I was misguided; hey we’re all human & get misguided every so often) I was mistaking genuine help for self-righteous attitudes. And I was wrong. And if I have ever ripped into any of you here for being Miss Defensive then I apologize.
I don't know what has taken place in my brain this year, but all I can say is that I feel like for the first time in years there is actual hope for me & my future!! All is NOT lost for me!! I have a future!! I will NOT be in the hole for the rest of my life.
- First & foremost, I HAVE to quit smoking if I want to LIVE long enough. My dad (a retired psychiatrist) has agreed to give me a prescription for the nicotine gum. I plan to quit smoking by any means necessary.
- Second, my plan is to take things in baby steps in terms of my life. In other words, taking the NYC Police Exam is Step One. Going to the Academy will be step 2. Finishing & getting hired will be step 3.
Baby steps... baby steps... One step at a time. No more pressure to be "great" as everyone has always expected... thank goodness!!
I had a long conversation with my mother a couple of days ago & then another long chat with my father tonight.
Despite the fact that my father stated that he did not want to "intrude" in my life by any means, he did express that he & my mother were worried about me.
The thing is I have a long history of telling my parents to F off whenever they have tried to tell me certain things, even though it was for my own good. And it wasn't ina "parent to child" sort of way. But moreso in a "concerned person" sort of way. I used to become over defensive, ripping into them, telling them to leave the the F alone, to just let me live my life. Well, I now know that I have been going about certain things all wrong. Many of you here have noticed that as well too when you have tried to give me good advice but I refused to listen...
I have always prided myself on having a “rebellious” attitude, thinking that I needed nobody, but in the meantime I was lading myself down a bad path. (Not thru any fault of my own, but yes I was misguided; hey we’re all human & get misguided every so often) I was mistaking genuine help for self-righteous attitudes. And I was wrong. And if I have ever ripped into any of you here for being Miss Defensive then I apologize.
I don't know what has taken place in my brain this year, but all I can say is that I feel like for the first time in years there is actual hope for me & my future!! All is NOT lost for me!! I have a future!! I will NOT be in the hole for the rest of my life.
- First & foremost, I HAVE to quit smoking if I want to LIVE long enough. My dad (a retired psychiatrist) has agreed to give me a prescription for the nicotine gum. I plan to quit smoking by any means necessary.
- Second, my plan is to take things in baby steps in terms of my life. In other words, taking the NYC Police Exam is Step One. Going to the Academy will be step 2. Finishing & getting hired will be step 3.
Baby steps... baby steps... One step at a time. No more pressure to be "great" as everyone has always expected... thank goodness!!
*Lorna* 
