Crossdressers-Haven.com

Hi,

My anti-depressants that I had taken for three years were taken off the market, with out warning to me. I have been on a roller-coaster again the last two months trying two different other drugs. Both had negative effects on me. One of them was terrible and I had to stop taking them the third day on them. The next drug the doctor wanted me to stay on for a month. When I went back, he then said that he did not know that much about these drugs and asked if I would see a psychiatrist who can prescribe drugs. I went and she gave me pills and said she believed I would feel better by morning. I did.

I am much better or so it seems. Still am doing so much better than for awhile. I can be negative so easily that I doubt doing better since last Wednesday, when I got the new drugs, is a placebo effect. I think it is real? Could her confidence affect my behavior and belief in myself? Feeling hope and a little confidence has come slowly with the therapy and the old drug. Still the new drug seems so much better than the old. Tonight it makes me wax poetic. Is it possible that all this is a joke and we all are a complex equation of energy, matter, and a dash of chemistry?

Worked 11 hours in the heat and humidity today, went and bought more on sale, trees and shrubs. I trimmed up the dozen trees and now am here typing when I have to be at work again tomorrow at 6:00 a.m. I am near bankruptcy because of my wife's hidden spending on credit cards to support overhead on her business. Still I have 20 trees in the garage along with 12 perennials, 7 shrubs, 17 hostas, a couple flats of annuals and 6 lilies. (The result of several shoping trips). One lily is blooming in the house now. How can a price be put on a flower? The same as gazing at the moon this week, it gives me great satisfaction only to exist.

They were bought with money I should not have spent and don't know how I will get mine all planted before they die. At ten tonight as Home Depot was closing, I offered to water their trees. I did not want the rest to die before the weekend so the trees would have a chance of someone buying them. An employee told me no, that a night shift would water them. We need trees to make oxygen and eat the carbon dioxide. My wife told me earlier that they were dry this morning, so I was insistent. He again assured me that they would be watered. He was kind, but I could see that he saw me as a weirdo. Anyway we loaded and left. I still wondered if he was truthful or only handled me deftly. decimation of the rain forests could be the straw that breaks the camel's back and yet who are we to say that these countries should not clear forests for what ever progress? Will progress kill human kind?

I also bought a new 1997 Buick this week because I was tired of not having air conditioning the last two and a half years in the old car. Believe me it was a deal. I have looked at a thousand cars the last six months, trying to find that mint car at a garage sale price. Worried about oil and our survival and yet I love the Buick as it is the nicest ride I have owned and I have had two new cars over the years. I did not buy a Honda Civic or scooter. That statement was in no way a slam at Honda, it was directed at me.

The questions don't have answers, (I don't think) and I don't truly expect any, so don't worry! I am fine and truly hope that all my friends here are peachy too!!

Love,
Kersten

Hi Kersten,

I'm glad you are alive and kicking.

It's good to see you posting too. I'm sure they'll water the trees and even if the guy did think of you as weird I don't. I think you just wanted to make sure someone did. It was actually a smart thing to do. They had a better chance of being watered by you saying something than if you'd just walked away.

Dark clouds don't last forever, but they can last a long time. It seems that a dark cloud has decided to move slowly over you, but it will end I promise. It just may not be tomorrow or next week, or next month, but it will end sweetie.

Please use us as a support system. Please tell us what's going on so we can give you positive reinforcement and show you how much we love you. We're always going to be here for you, as you've been here for so many others.

Take care of yourself. I'm glad the new medication is working better than the previous meds.

Beauty

Hi Kersten, seems you've got a million things going through your mind at once. Are you able to sleep?

The new pills sound like they are working too good, but it may be that your body just needs to adjust to them. However, I suggest you print off what you wrote above and let your therapist read it.

Be careful in this heat, too. You don't want to over do things. You need to take time and relax also. Let your body rest even if you don't think it's necessary.

And don't worry about those trees, they don't require watering everyday. I am a woodworker and I can tell you, too much water results in too fast a growth, which in turn results in a weaker tree trunk. The slower a tree grows the stronger the grain will be. OK?

Take care now. And keep talking to us.

Hi Kersten,
I think that plants such as trees can actually sense when someone cares about them. I too hope that the new pills help to stabalize your moods. We are here for you and look forward to hearing from you more often,
Love,
Virgina

Thanks so much all! I am stabilized a bit today and not quite so hyper.

Hugs,
Kersten

Kersten Lee wrote:Hi,

Is it possible that all this is a joke and we all are a complex equation of energy, matter, and a dash of chemistry?

Hi Kersten--
I don't know about it being a joke, but I do feel like the above complex equation. When it comes to depression, it seems to me--in my case--that if I let my energy level go below a certain point, then negative thoughts have no opposition. They run loose all over my mind. So the trick is not to stop the negative thoughts; they are always around, like a surrounding sea we swim in. If I keep my energy high enough, then I have a boat that sails on through.

Good for you, finding another medicine that will work. That's very hard, having a successful drug discontinued like that.

Hi Anita and everyone who venture to read my long letters.

About the energy level and reserves, I am like you. I do much better when not burning the candle at both ends.

I am the oldest and I have only began to communicate with my two younger brothers since last September. I thought I was so hurt by my family that at 21 I stopped going to visit my parents. I felt better not thinking about my hurt and loss. In turn I avoided contact with my brothers and one younger sister. Most memories were bad anyway

In September '04 I first started communicating with Dan my next youngest. Then the brother 20 years younger than me and then tried with my sister, but she has only sent a card. It is not because she cannot afford a phone call or operate e-mail. Dan is a millionaire and sis is a Phd professor at a major college.

Anyway with no contact for 28 years we are like twins that were separated. We are too much alike for my comfort. Books, movies, dysfunctions, likes and dislikes. Here is an e-mail that Dan wrote in response to the same letter that I entered here above above.
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I am very happy to hear you are doing better. I apologize for not responding to your last emails sooner. It is nearly 11 pm on Friday and I just got in from the office. Been into the office early and haven't gotten home until late all week. Gotta go back in tomorrow early.

I have bought trees on sale when they were dying in the nursery and I didn't have time to dig holes for them at home. Sheryl would get upset with me when it took me months to get caught up, and I would buy more, before the first ones were planted. I estimate that I have planted over a 100 azalea bushes, 100 lilies, 60 rose bushes, 17 cherry trees, 18 crepe myrtle trees, 15 assorted pine trees, 9 Japanese maple trees, 20 irises, 20 camellias, 20 butterfly bushes, 50 winter hardy lantana, 20 cannas, 9 elephant ears, 18 hollies, 20 forsythia, 2 hydrangeas, 4 maiden grass, 2 pygmy pampas grass, 5 zebra grass, 5 plumbago, and a few odds and ends. It took me 7 years to dig all those holes. (Have you ever seen the movie "Holes"? Very very good movie.) So anyway, when I ran out of places to plant things I wasn't ready to retire the shovel, so we dug a fish pond. Does this indicate anything about the depths of my obsessive compulsive disorder??

I have been thinking about buying a new (used or preowned) car. My current car is over 10 years old and has 169,000 miles on it. I have bot my last two cars 5 years old with 50,000 miles and drove them about 100,000 miles each, in about six years each, and traded when they were 10 years old. Have you got any pictures of your new (preowned) Buick? I am thinking about splurging this fall. I am looking for a reasonably priced used/preowned M3. I have wanted another sports car since I traded in the 1985 Starion back in 1993. The Starion was the only new car I have ever owned.

The picture you sent of the water after the rain storm brought back memories.

take care,
love
dan

Hi Kersten,

It's so great to have you back. We have all missed you so much!! And don't ever forget to take care of number one - you.

Kersten,
I hope you will be able to open more lines of communication with your family. You know our matra here, "small steps." So you start with one brother then gradually bring the rest together. Do your other siblings communicate with each other, or do you know? I think you are doing
great and hope you will continue to share with us.
Love,
Virginia

Virginia,

Thanks for asking. You got me to think. My sister did send a Christmas card and wrote in it. I gave her my e-mail in a letter, but she never e-mailed. Both brothers said that she does not e-mail but would talk on the phone. I like the e-mail better. Because of all the bad things that happened in our home so many years ago, I was afraid to just call. Also I do not like the phone so much. You got me thinking that I should take the initiative and call.

I have been doing unbelievably good on my new drugs. I have been so fortunate these past couple years. I know friends that I did not know were friends. I was lucky to get a good therapist and now a good woman psychiatrist. I told her a little of my family history and my crossdressing. I wore sandals with polished toes and nail flower art. She told me that she was impressed that I was comfortable with my nature and my openess with her. She reiterated to me what My therapist believes. That is that the majority of crossdressers just are and that it cannot be cured and that we just are. Acceptance for most, is the beginning of the healing within us.

Again, Thanks Everyone!
Kersten