Old member - new name
Posted: Tue Nov 22, 2005 9:13 pm
After a bit of thought, I've decided to rechristen myself "Marlena." To make a long story short, "Darla" was name adopted quickly when I wanted to join various online groups and somehow it just doesn't seem like it fits who the more confident (and yes, more sexy) crossdresser I see myself becoming. (My new profile shows the changes.) "Darla" just seemed a little...frumpy(?)...twee(?)...and it was time for a change. "Marlena" might be some big heels to fill, but one could do worse than to model herself after a strong, classy woman -- who also happened to look fantastic in drag.
Now if I could just change my male name, which I'm not fond of. *sigh*
For those who want the long story...
"Darla" actually was a bit a whimsical choice. I wanted to go online and needed a femme name quickly. The first name that came to mind was Daria, the cartoon character, since Our Lady of Teen Misfits resonated with my own high school and later work-related hells. And I too have used droll cynicism as armor to cover up those vulnerable parts of my heart and soul. But I initially misremembered the name as "Darla," and when I remembered a day or two later, I decided to stay with it, since "Daria" seemed to be too direct an allusion.
During the past year I've gone through a tremendous evolution. For many years I dressed at home and while in my mind's eye I looked fabulous, the image in the mirror frankly looked a bit ridiculous. So when the time came when I decided I wanted out of the house, I put a lot of time and practice into looking "realistic." And so I went out into the wide world. And blended in successfully. A bit too successfully.
When I complained to a GG friend, Michele, about getting only an average rating on Hot-or-Not, she pointed out one of the reasons (aside from the vagaries of Hot-or-Not) was that I was presenting myself as an average-looking woman. And Michele was right. Partly I think it was that I lacked the confidence to think that I could be not only passable, but truly pretty (not fantasy pretty). And part of it may have been subconscious fear. As she pointed out, a pretty woman will catch the eye and I needed to decide if I was ready to handle it. For a crossdresser in particular attention is a two-edged sword. Is someone staring because they find me attractive, or because they see a guy in a dress - or both? Thankfully, with the push I've gotten from Michele, I've taken things up a notch.
I know that sounds superficial, but changing the outside can change how you feel on the inside. I once tried to explain the feeling I got from dressing to those episodes of "What Not to Wear" where the fashion victim is someone who's often a bit overwhelmed by life and her frumpy exterior reflects her worn-down feeling inside. But after the makeover, they not only look more stylish, but often feel revitalized and sexy and confident. (They'll actually comment on how they know it's silly that a seemingly superficial thing as a makeover can have such an effect, but it does.) Well the push I got from Michele and others, has really felt like that. I now feel pretty and witty and bright. And so I want a name that reflects that.
A special thanks to all who've helped me on this journey.
BTW, a postscript regarding Hot-or-Not. I put up a new photo (the one on my profile) and it only rated a bit higher than the old photos. But I discovered I don't really care. I feel good about myself and that's what matters.
Now if I could just change my male name, which I'm not fond of. *sigh*
For those who want the long story...
"Darla" actually was a bit a whimsical choice. I wanted to go online and needed a femme name quickly. The first name that came to mind was Daria, the cartoon character, since Our Lady of Teen Misfits resonated with my own high school and later work-related hells. And I too have used droll cynicism as armor to cover up those vulnerable parts of my heart and soul. But I initially misremembered the name as "Darla," and when I remembered a day or two later, I decided to stay with it, since "Daria" seemed to be too direct an allusion.
During the past year I've gone through a tremendous evolution. For many years I dressed at home and while in my mind's eye I looked fabulous, the image in the mirror frankly looked a bit ridiculous. So when the time came when I decided I wanted out of the house, I put a lot of time and practice into looking "realistic." And so I went out into the wide world. And blended in successfully. A bit too successfully.
When I complained to a GG friend, Michele, about getting only an average rating on Hot-or-Not, she pointed out one of the reasons (aside from the vagaries of Hot-or-Not) was that I was presenting myself as an average-looking woman. And Michele was right. Partly I think it was that I lacked the confidence to think that I could be not only passable, but truly pretty (not fantasy pretty). And part of it may have been subconscious fear. As she pointed out, a pretty woman will catch the eye and I needed to decide if I was ready to handle it. For a crossdresser in particular attention is a two-edged sword. Is someone staring because they find me attractive, or because they see a guy in a dress - or both? Thankfully, with the push I've gotten from Michele, I've taken things up a notch.
I know that sounds superficial, but changing the outside can change how you feel on the inside. I once tried to explain the feeling I got from dressing to those episodes of "What Not to Wear" where the fashion victim is someone who's often a bit overwhelmed by life and her frumpy exterior reflects her worn-down feeling inside. But after the makeover, they not only look more stylish, but often feel revitalized and sexy and confident. (They'll actually comment on how they know it's silly that a seemingly superficial thing as a makeover can have such an effect, but it does.) Well the push I got from Michele and others, has really felt like that. I now feel pretty and witty and bright. And so I want a name that reflects that.
A special thanks to all who've helped me on this journey.
BTW, a postscript regarding Hot-or-Not. I put up a new photo (the one on my profile) and it only rated a bit higher than the old photos. But I discovered I don't really care. I feel good about myself and that's what matters.
So congratulations on your new handle, now I will have to spend the rest of the night changing all my electronic equipment to you your new name, speed dial, computer, email, you checks!! 